Millionaire Matchmaker: “Lions and Bears and Twinks, Oh My!”

Boy oh boy, how can we ever recover from the mess that Shauna hath brought upon us last week? It’s like no one will ever find love again! What is a millionaire to do?! Oh, stop, they just need to call Patti Stanger and, BAM, success. Right? Right. Bring it on, Millionaire Matchmaker.As is the formula for every episode this season, we open with two minutes of Patti’s wedding planning. This week, she enlists Destin and Chelsea to help her audition wedding planners. It’s really no different from any dating cattle call we’ve seen. She mocks what they’re wearing, and sends some on their way with a sneer and a shitty tone. (That, honestly, is the only thing I do NOT like about Patti. I am a fan, except when she’s unnecessarily rude to some of her prospects.)

The one woman who makes it to the next round with Patti has done several celebrity weddings before, including some featured in In Style. She’s wearing a thin white shirt that’s a little too long for her torso and is revealing unflattering lumps around her waistband of her black jeans. I can’t look away, and since I’m transfixed, YOU are now transfixed. Anyway, Patti likes her–she’s in. Credits.

Patti strolls into the office in a glittery sequinned black jacket. She takes the joke right outta my mouth by announcing that she feels like Liberace right now. (Actually, it’s a little too tame for Liberace. That fucker was over the TOP.) Who are her millionaires this week? Chop chop!

Destin’s guy this week is Rupert Wainwright. Patti can’t quite get his name right. “Rubert?….Rubert?” RU-PERT, you asshole. As in, Rupert Grint from Harry Potter. Rupert Murdoch, some rich guy. Rupert Sheldrake, author of A New Science of Life: The Hypothesis of Formative Causation. I mean, c’mon, Patti! Anyway, this Rupert is the one who’s made some movies a long time ago. Stigmata? Was that with Patricia Arquette before she got lumpy and moved to TV? He also made The Fog, which is a remake of a hilariously bad horror movie from 1980. (Incidentally, the 1980 version DVD actually has a blooper reel on it, which seems unheard of for an old stupid horror movie, and it is HYSTERICAL. I highly recommend this blooper reel. And I am an aficionado of blooper reels.) Oh, and he directed MC Hammer’s music videos!! What a strange resume this man has.

Chelsea’s guy is next. His name is Smike. Smike. I didn’t type it wrong, and interestingly enough, Patti didn’t repeat it a zillion times in confusion like she did with poor Rubert. SMIKE. (ugh, is that a contrived name or did his parents hate him that much? I’ll go with the former. Therefore, the mockery? IT IS ON.) Smike is gay, 41 years old, in shape, world traveler, makes money in real estate.

Time for the video meets. Smatt is up first. He explains how he’s “on sabbatical” from real estate (though probably rakes it in hand over fist without even trying), because he wants to travel the world. He just got back from Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and Croatia. Patti’s concerned that Smason’s never going to put down roots, that he’s always running away and won’t be able to form a relationship, even if she finds someone for him. Smed’s concern is that he meets a lot of hotties with no brains, and a lot of ugly brainiacs, but he wants to meet someone who’s both smart AND hot who loves to travel. Patti refers to this perfect specimen as “El Chupacabra”. HA!

Rubert’s next. He’s 47 and typically British, with a doughy face and sandy locks. Dressed in yellow in his video, he reminds Rachel (Destin’s wife and head of recruitment) of Colonel Mustard.

He tells us how he spent many years directing videos for the hardest core rappers: NWA and Too Short, for example. (And as example of how white I am, and how I listened to grunge in the 90s, not hard core West Coast rap, I really had to Google the shit out of “Too Short”, eventually going to Amazon and letting it help me figure out who would buy an NWA and another album by…Too Short. Oh dear, that was difficult to do. I kept thinking it was “2Sure”.) Chelsea loves Too Short, and Destin says, “West SIIIIIDE!”. Chelsea primly corrects him: “No, that’s East Side.” I love it!

Oh, so Rubert is still talking. He claims to get along better with 23-year-olds than 38-year-olds, and states that “age is a relative issue.” Destin and Patti talk about how Rubert’s best bet is going to be with an Eastern European woman with an edge, more of an East Coast kind of girl. Rubert keeps talking, telling us that he wants Patti to find him someone attractive and intelligent who isn’t crazy. Oh, that’s easy. Will she like YOU is the bigger question, methinks.

Patti heads off to meet Smilliam at a restaurant for their one-on-one matchmaker chat. Before we go there, though, we have to watch more video intro about Smaig. More about real estate, yadda yadda. He’s currently renting out all of his properties and considers home-base to be a small condo, since he’s traveling so much. Now we get to see his hot bod as he jogs through the Hollywood hills. It IS a nice body, I will quickly admit!

Sitting down with some drinks, Patti’s first question is about all the travel. Smott admits that he’s in LA for a month, then off to another locale for a month. “What are you running to….what are you running FROM?” Patti asks. She suggests he takes more time at home, to develop a relationship with someone, THEN travel. Nope, Smendan says, he’s traveling. Also, he wants someone smart and spiritual with the body of Mario Lopez. Patti’s wheels are turning. She’s going to first set Smennis up with an astrologer for a reading, and then she’s going to cherry-pick five guys for him to choose from–no mixer.

By the way, I entered Bravo’s contest this week, to be chosen to fly to LA and meet with Patti for a dating consultation. Fingers crossed for me! (I need help!)

Now Patti’s heading off to meet Rubert. (And yes, she still pronounces it that way. HA!) She rattles off that he must be smart, because he grew up in Oxford. Um, no. It means he grew up there, not that he attended that school. That’s like saying that someone who lives in Cambridge, MA must be smart because they grew up near Harvard. Enh eh. She also talks about how Rubert’s going to want a “Menza model”. I think she means MENSA. Just say it how it’s spelled, Patti. Anyway, Patti’s pretty sure that Rubert won’t find the hot braniac he wants in this town.

Honestly, in the previews for this season and for this particular episode, this guy looked ugly and angry and old. I was dreading having to be a part of his love life for even an hour. However, he cleaned up pretty well for the actual episode and is kiiiiinda cute. Maybe. Still a pompous blowhard, but not hideous. More video intro to him, talking on the phone about getting “Vin” involved in a project, telling the Bravo camera crew how to set up their camera shots, etc.

He makes a joke about how his perfect woman would be 29 3/4 years old forever. Har har. He is totally that guy who makes a slightly humorous comment but yuks it up like it’s the funniest thing anyone’s said all year. He laughs alone. But looks you in the eye until you laugh with him. I’m uncomfortable with that.

Patti asks Rubert, “Why love now?” She’s a little on the defensive offense with him, supposing that as a hot Hollywood director, he’s not having any trouble meeting women and that he’s a know-it-all. Then she goes for the jugular, asking how old Rubert’s last girlfriend was. He rubs his mouth nervously before answering that she was 24. “Almost 25,” he says. Eyeroll. He says his celebrity crush is Grace Kelly, so Patti’s going to be looking out for tall, thin blondes.

Finally, he admits that he’s a control freak. Here we go with the joke that’s not funny, with the “dare you to laugh” stare: “I don’t mind giving up control, as long as I know I had it to begin with. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…..ha ha!”

Smeter is meeting with Patti’s astrologer. Patti believes that when you really know your chart and understand the Universe’s energy, you’ll be a lot more successful in choosing the right mate. What follows is all sorts of moons and astrological symbols and things rising and whatever. The astrologer hits on the fact that Smosh loves travel and loves foreign men. Apparently, that’s what he was destined to do! Anyway, Patti starts talking over the astrologer (who’s a Doctor, did you know? A ThD!), and it’s kinda weird. We get it, Patti, you like astrology too and know something about it. Now shut up and let Smank have his reading in peace!

(Yes, I just went down my friends list on Facebook and added “sm” to the guys’ names. Fun, huh?)

Patti heads out to a gay bar to recruit not only for Smistopher, but also for the “gay division” of Millionaire’s Club. It’s new, it needs a herd of gays to make it work! Patti admits that she doesn’t know much about the gay world, so this should be fun. A few guys get interviewed, and once they realize that all they have to do is mention their astrological sign, they’ll get picked, they’re ALL about being Virgo or Libra. Next up is Topher, who’s a “bear”.

Chelsea asks, “What’s a bear?” This poor guy explains that bears are usually hairy…and Patti says, “And also plumpty-dumpty chunky monkey?” Topher’s like, “Uh, yeah.”

Then he explains about cubs and some other term I don’t catch. (“Honors” “Onyx”? Whatever they are, they’re skinny hairy guys.) (I just watched it a tenth time: OTTERS.) Patti points to some guy with crazy hair standing nearby (in earshot!) and asks “What’s he?” Topher tells us he’s a twink. Cut to Patti’s confessional: “Lions and bears and twinks, oh my!” Stupid.

Next round of guys includes a very effeminite looking kid that probably isn’t right for anyone in Patti’s club, but Patti’s taken a liking to him anyway.

She totally ignores this weird looking guy named Mauricio, who she keeps calling Maurice. She pretty much dismisses him without talking to him because of his leggings and boots and shorts…with a dress shirt and vest and tie. And strange hair. He challenges her to get to know ONE thing about him. And she tells us, “Of course, there has to be one bitch.” He’s a cocky one, this Maurice, but Patti’s still not interested. He snaps at her for cutting him off while he’s talking, and she’s had it. She gets up in his face to tell him that no gay guy who pays her $50K to meet a suitable mate would be attracted to Mauricio, that “the penis would not even get up off the couch.” He is a straight-up mess and might be on meth or something to boot. Weird guy. I’m sure he’s on here for publicity for the “talent agency” he’s trying to start, not to meet a millionaire lover.

Next up are the over-the-top trannies. Patti loves it, wants to learn more. Of course they (“Detox” and some other tranny) immediately call out Patti for being a tranny. Excellent. Then they accuse Destin of having a boner over them. He is immediately uncomfortable (wouldn’t you be?), and Detox offers to do a “chubby check”. Oh no. They end up literally chasing Destin away.

Now it’s time to find a woman for Rubert. “Ruby,” as Patti calls him. RU-PERT. The team pores through headshots, looking for 30-something Eastern Europeans. Because he’s “so picky and so British,” she has to pick carefully. So picky and so British!

Time for the mixer, of sorts. It’s not really a mixer though, just a gathering with Patti’s hand-picked choices for both Ruby and Smussel, where they’ll meet each option one-by-one. Patti warns Rubert not to ask any girls their age and to not talk too much, not control things too much. Smack gets no such advice–he’s pretty easy to please, I think.

Ruby meets first with Olya, a beautiful blonde Ukranian. Right away, he brags about shit I can’t bother to rewind to tell you about. Something about the British pentathlon team. Smenry meets his first match, Chad, who is Patti’s first choice. They hit it off right away, and I’m already excited for them. More dates with more blonde women and gay men, nothing terribly interesting that you didn’t already see on the previews. (Such as Smohn asking to see some guy’s chest and panty area.)

Notable is just how much of a blowhard Ruby is. Christ. That guy needs to shut up. And smart women see right through it. THAT is why he’s successful with younger women–they’re not worldly enough to see through his bullshit and think he’s charming. Yuck.

And who’d our guys pick? No surprise, Smuce picked Chad, who is adorable and seems really warm and lovely. I like Chad. Does he have a hetero twin brother who lives near me? No? Dang. Rubert takes FOR-EVER to choose his lady, to the point where Patti AND Destin are shouting at him, “Who do you want to go out with??!” Finally, he settles on Olya.

Funny, Patti announces to the crowd at the mixer who each man chose. Rupert FINALLY corrects her on her pronunciation of his name. YAY! (Later, she’s back to calling him Rubert. I love it.)

Smaul and Chad meet for their big date. First, they go hiking along the bluffs by some spa resort. They seem to be very in sync with each other, which is especially evident in how they talk about their environmentalism and spirituality. It’s not as hokey as I’m making it sound. I can’t tell, though, if Chad is genuine or just wants to hook himself a hot millionaire. His answers are a little too perfect. For now, because I believe in love, I’ll think it’s the former. They settle in for some wine, grapes, and cheese down on a private beach. Cheers! Oh wait, you have to look each other in the eyes when you clink glasses, or else it’s bad luck. In the gay world, it’s “seven years of bad sex.” I think they’re confusing that with breaking a mirror, but hey, whatever works for good sex, right? Those wacky gays….

Rubert’s heading off to pick up Olya for their date. She looks gorgeous in a classic black sheath dress, and he’s rollin’ up in a big ol’ limo with some big-ass red roses. As he pulls up and sees her waiting, he says, “oh she looks fabulous. Good girl, good girl.” Ew. The first part of their date involves working the dinner shift at the Los Angeles Mission, a homeless shelter on Skid Row in LA. (Yes, there’s actually a place called Skid Row. We ARE the youth gone wild.)

Rupert’s handing out plates of food and Olya’s on water-glass duty. She’s a good sport about it, and it ain’t hauling trash, but this is still a weird date choice. Olya tells us she feels bad for being all dressed up and glamorous while refilling water glasses for homeless people. Later, he jokes with her that as a good Russian girl, he expected her to be working harder. Oh, THAT is the quote from the previews, taken waaaaay out of context. Here, I thought he was pissy because she, as a person, was disappointing him. Nope, he was just making a bad joke. Also, wouldn’t someone from the Ukraine get pissy about someone constantly calling them Russian?

Back to the spa, where Chad and Smian are settling in for a soak. Ah, the ocean is so great. Yes, isn’t it? You have a nice body. So do you. Can I touch you on the shoulder? Yes, you can. Let’s talk about how well this is going. Great! Want to get a couples massage? I do! Let’s go. Do you get massages often? I do. They feel great. They do. Can you hear the ocean? Yes, I can, it’s loud. This is amazing. It is.

More beachfront dining for Smathan and Chad. Smalex is feeling good in his heart, head, “and other places” about Chad. Oh wait, this isn’t dinner, just champagne and some touchy-feely. Then–a kiss! Hooray! Looks like it was a pretty good one. (I think that’s the creepiest sentence I’ve typed today.)

Ruby and Olya head off to dinner, having completed their shift at the Mission. Ruby takes her to a quasi-upscale-ish Mexican place and asks what she does. She’s a “Pilates Plus” instructor, which goes beyond rehabilitation and works a body until muscle failure. Ruby pops a boner about this, because it sounds “so fucking Russian”. She’s not amused. He asks what opera she likes, and bless her soul, she DOES have a favorite! Most girls I know wouldn’t have an answer to that question. (Mine would be “Phantom of the Opera.”) (Oh, that’s a Broadway musical, not an opera? Shit.)

I am appalled when Ruby “directs” Olya in how to put a piece of her chocolate cake into her mouth. “On three, raise the fork to your mouth, not too quickly. Ready? One, two, three…” She is giving him a “Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis?” face. Olya’s not feelin’ it with this asshole. Meanwhile, he keeps chattering away. He very obviously thinks this is going really well, that she’s into him. All the women watching can tell that she really, really isn’t into him. Poor guy, can’t read body language to save his life. Yet he directs shit in Hollywood. Oh, right, MC Hammer. Well, guess what, dude? Olya says, “You can’t touch this.” (Oh wow, I AM LAME.)

Post-date follow-ups! Patti calls Chad, who reports to have had a wonderful time. He and Smadam are doing dinner again next week. Smaaron comes in to meet with Patti in person, and he also reports to have had an excellent day with Chad. However, Smerry is heading off to Australia soon, which does not please Patti. She advises him to stay home a while after this trip, and maybe bring along his partner (Chad?) for the next trip. But Smyan DOES need to put down some roots for a relationship to work. Smanthony is also advised to keep a connection with Chad even while he’s away–guys especially (more than women) lose that connection if they are apart too long.

Next, Patti calls Olya. Olya relays the Mission part of the date, then admits that Ruby likes to talk and isn’t so great with the listening. Patti’s pissed, because that was the one piece of advice she really hammered into Rubert, to let Olya shine during the date, let her talk. And he didn’t.

So, hey, it’s fun when Rubert shows up to meet with Patti for the post-mortem on the date. She cuts into him right away, and he’s confused. He sincerely thinks the date went well and Patti’s got it all wrong! “Completely and utterly wrong.” It was NOT rude to take a limo to the mission, to take a DATE to the mission (a first date, at least), and Patti’s got it all wrong with how much he talked! Well, of course he’s right and Patti’s wrong. She dismisses him and he abruptly leaves the table. Bye, Rubert!

Captions! Won’t you please tell us how things went after the show! Smoseph kept in touch with Chad while on his walkabout in Australia, and they’re still seeing each other. Hooray! (Except I checked Smarl’s Facebook page just now, and it says he’s single, looking for a relationship. Chad may still be a FB friend, but I don’t think they’re together.) Olya gave Ruby another chance on Date 2, but is now no longer returning his calls. Booyah.

Next week, we meet a horrendously eccentric millionaire with a teeny package and a monkey. Somehow, I get the impression that we’ve met him before, but I must’ve blocked it out. (Season 1, maybe?) Patti insults a harsh-looking woman during an open call, and also refers to some other woman as an “ugly fire-crotch bitch” (with Chelsea standing by, laughing). Should be interesting! Come back!