Millionaire Matchmaker–A Gummi Bear Disaster

I thought the other night was bad. I was reeling from watching LOST, and then I headed over to happy millionaire dating land, where all should be mentally well and socially skilled, right? To my horror, I was instead subjected to the blech that is Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis. You thought that I was joking in my pre-cap when I said I was shrieking in horror, didn’t you? Well, next time you should believe me. Believe every word. I was shouting, “NO!!!!” and covering my mouth. Cringing in horror. Hiding under a blanket. *shudder*

So, tonight, knowing what I was in for as I settled in for my big recap, I thought I was cool, I was suave, I could HANDLE this. I was wrong. See, I first Googled Gummi Bear to learn about him–his natural habitat, his foraging skills, his opposable thumbs. The first link I clicked on was some gay Daddy bear site. Did I not learn anything about bears last week? Oh, boy, I’m an idiot.

And welcome to Millionaire Matchmaker!We open this week in a surprising location–the radio station where Patti hosts a weekly XM talk radio show. Having seen how well she handled random, quick questions during the Andy Cohen aftershow last week, I wasn’t surprised that she sounded good on the radio. Say what you want about her shady “99% success rate” crap on the TV intro, but I really do believe she’s got some good relationship advice and has an eye for chemistry. I’d listen to her show if I had XM. She’s like the Anti-Dr. Laura.

Anyway, what’s funny about this segment is that she’s got Gretchen and Slade from Real Housewives of OC on as guests. Those two are giggling together like elementary school kids doing a project about insects or something–heads together, talking nonsense, but laughing their asses off.

Some poor soul calls in to ask Patti for help because her fiance is pissed that she doesn’t initiate sex more often. Patti tells her to–wait for it! this is groundbreaking advice!–initiate sex more often. Oh, and give blowjobs. MAN, I need to get myself a talk show. I can totally handle this.

The next day, at the office, Patti trudges in, complaining about having a cold. Chelsea asks her to stay away, but Patti’s like, “Fuck that” and plops her germy heiny on the glass tabletop. She asks what’s in store for them this week, and Destin announces that it’s the week of “Prince Valiant and…the Douchebag.” The douchebag is very eccentric, incredibly wealthy, and is, of course, Jason Davis. Patti, in her DayQuil haze, echoes, “Gummi Bear” in slack-jawed wonderment. Chelsea asks who Gummi Bear is. Destin figures Chelsea never reads the “gossip ‘zines” (mispronouncing “zines”, I must add). (And who reads “gossip ‘zines”? I read gossip BLOGS. It’s 2010, Destin. I haven’t seen a ‘zine since 1995. And I am COOL.)

Patti explains who Jason Davis is in terms that Chelsea can understand. He’s the son of a super-rich oil family, he’s always wasted or in rehab (or both), and he’s known for being the fat brother of Brandon Davis. As many of us know, Brandon Davis = Greasy Bear (and he IS greasy); Jason Davis = Gummi Bear. (Though, the way Patti explains it is much better. “The tabloids saw him as fat, and he was. So they named him that.” I love how awkwardly and ineptly that’s phrased.) As Patti says, “To describe him as eccentric would be an understatement.”

Patti’s not excited about matching up a millionaire who’s totally fucked up on drugs. Destin claims that Jason has totally cleaned up his act. I don’t know when this was filmed, but there’ve been pretty recent reports about Gummi being in rehab, so I really doubt this is true. As we’ll later see, his behavior doesn’t support this hypothesis either.

It’s video time! Jason’s wearing a shiny gold track suit and awful sunglasses that do nothing to squelch the tubby Elvis vibe he’s got goin’ on. His hair’s a long mess, he hasn’t shaved in days, and you can tell that the dude stinks. I can smell him from here. He starts off in his kooky, drug-addled, possibly-gay millionaire’s voice about how he’s a hopeless romantic, that he’s looking for love, etc. Meanwhile, his head is bobbing and weaving more than I do in kickboxing class. He’s so totally high right now.

He keeps describing what he’s looking for, which is basically a hot blonde with big tits. (I think that the tranny from last week could totally accommodate, ya know?) Curler-bang Rachel makes a gagging motion at his descriptions.

Meanwhile, he’s picking at scabs and hugging himself and staring off camera while he rambles. Destin comments that his hands are dirty, and Patti says, “He needs fucking help.” HA! Gummi’s next move is to say that he’s absolutely unwilling to submit himself to a makeover for his matches. “You either like me or you don’t,” he threatens as he shakes his cane at the camera. (The cane? Google revealed that he recently had a nasty staph infection in his foot, so that’s where the cane comes in. Um, ew.)

Well, before you barf, let’s move on to the other guy this week. David, a dreamy, 51-year-old rich guy who splits his time between Miami and LA. He made his money in finance and is worth somewhere around the $3M mark. He’s been married before. This time, he wants someone bubbly, he wants butterflies about her, and he wants someone who wants kids. That last part really is a dealbreaker for him. Patti is all wistful about this guy, dreaming Andy away for a moment so she can do David in her head. But the spell is quickly broken, as Patti tells us that no one’s perfect. There’s gotta be something pretty major wrong with David for him to be coming to her.

As if we didn’t just talk all about David, it’s time for his official introduction, complete with shots of him driving down an LA highway and him jogging along the beach. I think he might have the same car Shauna had–is it a Bravo prop? Whatever it is, the car made Shauna look like she was 4 feet tall and it makes David look like he’s 10 feet tall. He tells us how he went to school in San Diego, tried to make the Olympic team for some track stuff but didn’t make it, etc. He’s got a full head of salt-and-pepper hair and a lean but beefy chest. I’d like to sprinkle a little chest hair on it to “man” him up a bit, but he’ll do. Oh, he’ll do.

As he chats with Patti over iced teas at some restaurant along the marina, I desperately want to fix the collar of his shirt. It’s hiding under the lapel of his jacket. How does he not realize it? Well, the jacket’s too big for him, so maybe that’s why he can’t feel it. (I’m trying to give David the same scrutiny I give Gummi, because truthfully, I SHOULD be more interested in looking at the hottie. But hey, the hottie’s boring and Gummi’s a trainwreck. I can’t help it.)

Patti asks David what his big flaw is, and he shares that he’s no good with the approach. Are you kidding me? Patti doesn’t believe it either, but it seems to be true. Patti gives the scenario about approaching a hot woman on the treadmill at the gym, and he answers that he’d never approach here. Here, I agree with him. When I’m zoning out on the ‘mill, the LAST thing I want is someone talking to me, even if it’s the hottest guy on earth. But, the point obviously is that he’s too….shy?…to approach women. I don’t think it’s shyness, though, but we’ll figure it out together later.

Patti thinks David suffers from the burden of having been hot his whole life, so he never had to try. Thus, he has crappy social skills. Patti will solve this by bringing in a life coach for David, to help him learn how to hunt and fish. As I’m watching, I am getting a little creeped out by how David is staring at Patti, unblinking. He’s all hunched over, leaning in towards her–for all I know, he’s massaging his weiner as she talks. Observing more body language, I notice that Patti’s sitting way back in her chair. I think she’s a little creeped out too. Turns out hotties can be creepy! Who knew?!

Now we head off to Gummi’s place. I totally LOL when he starts off with his official video introduction in the whiniest crazy voice EVER. He’s wielding his stuffed bears at the camera as he speaks, telling us how his grandfather owned 20th Century Fox, the Beverly Hills Hotel, etc. As he’s speaking, random snapshots of Jason and his grandfather appear on the screen. Good lord, that was a fat child. It’s unfortunate. Jason met all kinds of celebrities at a very young age and assumed everyone was as rich as his family was. Oh, there’s a snapshot of Gummi chompin’ down on Paris Hilton’s boob. Classy.

It’s a shame, because I think that in an alternate universe, in one where the plane never crashes and Jacob never dies, Jason could actually be attractive. He’s tall, he’s dark, and he’s rich. If he really kept up on body maintenance, he could be hot. Speak in a normal voice, be charming, be smooth? Man, he’d be set. It’s a shame he’s such a fucking mess.

He’s looking for a woman who doesn’t give a shit about what people think of her, just like he doesn’t care. He’s also shopping for a bright green blazer with his vagomach hanging out. (He’s definitely lost some weight, but he’s still a bigger guy and that fat apron’s all hangin’ out like no one’s business. He needs some Man-Spanx!)

His video segment ends with him asking Patti to bring the women to him, and he’ll “let the bears decide, raaaaaaaaaawrrrrrr!”. (Ahem, those are the stuff bears he’s shaking around at us right now.)

So, the son of a super-wealthy family lives in a totally tricked out bachelor pad, right? Wrong. THIS son of a super-wealthy family lives in Blanche Deveraux’s condo in the Golden Girls Towers. Seriously, my own grandmother had better taste. It’s teeny and it’s decorated all wrong for this guy. I’m sure it’s just an apartment that a great aunt died in or something. Which is sad. Also sad is the fact that he just got evicted from said apartment for not paying his $3600/month rent. ($3600 a month?! Seriously, LA? Do you have a foreign exchange rate or something, cuz that don’t make no sense.)

Time to talk turkey. “Why love now?” And “Are you serious?” Yes, he’s serious, and he wants love now because he doesn’t want to be really old by the time he has a child. He wants kids? Really? He’s very concerned about the women only wanting him for his money (well, what else is there to want?). Patti assures him that she recruits women who have jobs and can take care of themselves, to reduce that element of gold-digging.

Next question: Have you ever hurt someone you were with? And was today your second day learning how to shave? (He’s got some serious patchy spots under his jaw where he totally forgot to shave.)

No, he’s never hurt someone, but he’s been hurt. A girl he cared about cheated on him a few times, and it broke his heart. And then in a weird accent, he says that he doesn’t want to talk about it. Patti’s very sympathetic and handling herself pretty well in this den of ill mental health. She thinks his disgusting appearance is a defense mechanism against getting hurt. After she leaves, he comments that he’d kinda like to sleep with her. Just perfect.

By the way, was anyone else surprised to learn that Jason is ONLY 25 years old? I remember reading about him on TMZ.com all the time back in the day, and I guess I imagined he must’ve been older than he is. I can’t imagine being subjected to all that scrutiny when I was a screwed-up 20-something. Poor guy.

Recruitment time! They’re looking for bimbo blondes for Jason and fit, kid-oriented older women for David. So how’d Rachel do? Well, the first round of women for David are great, except no one wants kids. Patti’s frustrated–for once, she has a guy who wants women in their 40s, but none of them is a match for her millionaire! Patti calls Rachel in for a li’l ass-reaming, but Rachel fights back. The next batch DOES want kids, so back off!

And, success, they get a tall blonde named Jessica who wants kids and is willing to date a bicoastal 50-yr-old. Done. Some young’ins come in, and Patti selects one of ‘em for Gummi. I laugh when she does, because this girls got some gums. Wordplay!

Here’s where I pout, as Patti attacks the redhead. Rayne is a tall redhead (but not me, I swear!) who does consulting work for environmental shit. Sounds cool. Patti doesn’t like what she’s wearing now but thinks she’ll purty up enough to be an 8 or 9. Patti explains that she’s selecting Rayne for a 50-yr-old, and Rayne’s not interested. Patti’s like, “Well, he’s hot and he makes you look like a toad.” I laugh. Rayne insists that he’s too old, which pushes Patti’s buttons. “THAT is why you’re single, Redhead, and you’ll be single in this town forever if you don’t make a move like that.” Rayne is wide-eyed but doesn’t talk back (yet). As this batch leaves, Patti bitches that every redhead in her club is a pain in the ass.

Destin and Jason head to the spa at the Four Seasons to get Jason a little cleaned up for his mixer. As the two guys get started on their first treatment, Jason brings up a good point. If you’re looking for someone to love you for who you are, why change? Destin has an equally good answer. But first, I need to point out that the camera focuses closely on one of Jason’s hands during this conversation, which is/was the source of one of my hollering fits last night. The nails are too long and they are DIRTY. Filthy. Retch! Anyway, Destin tells Jason to stop focusing on being changed and focus on putting the best foot forward. It’s not about changing; it’s about not being revolting.

Next up is a spray tan! Destin and his askew mohawk get Jason into his panties for a little tanning. It’s really a shame that someone with all that money can’t do a little plastic surgery to fix the extra skin. As he spreads everything out for the spray tan, we get to see all the folds and stretch marks and weird hairy patches. Poor guy. I retch a little more, but I focus on his crotch to see if it tents. Can’t help it. (It doesn’t.) (Anyone know what gets barf out of wool carpeting?)

Oh, next is the shriekiest of segments, when Jason gets a pedicure. Again, so glad I live alone so I could shout to my heart’s content. After I was done shouting, I huddled under my blankie and rocked until it was okay again. Seriously, dude has some disgusting nails. Long, scraggly, yellowed. Even the Lamisil fucker wouldn’t be interested. And some poor Asian lady’s gotta trim that? Poor, poor woman. She also has to dig out all the dirt from under his nails with an orange stick.

Destin’s getting through to Jason a little, though. All this male bonding is working. Jason’s worried about finding love and then having it “turn”. Sad face. He’d rather not love at all than love and get hurt. Destin says, “Well, you could walk out of the hotel today and get hit by a car and die. Does that mean you’re never going to walk out of the hotel?” Ah. Good point. I’ll remember that the next time I’m afraid. Seriously.

Just before the mixer starts, David’s meeting with Matt, the life coach. Hopefully, they can get an idea of where David’s failing with his approach and get him on the right path in time to meet the love of his life. David admits anxiety about rejection (don’t we all?), and when pressed, can’t say he’s ever actually BEEN rejected. But he’s still nervous about intruding on someone’s space. Chelsea and Matt convince David that the worst that can happen when he approaches someone is that they’re either married or not interested. So what? Move on.

Matt and Chelsea bring in two girls from the mixer for David to practice on. He makes his approach and it’s fine, but he quickly bombs when he talks endlessly about himself. I know it’s a nervous thing, because I do it too. But it’s clearly not working in terms of getting this guy laid. The girls look bored; Matt and Chelsea give each other knowing looks. It doesn’t take long for Matt to interrupt and call David out for his failures. Basically, stop saying boring shit about you and start asking questions about the girls! The girls chime in with advice, too. “Act interested, even if you’re not! We can’t tell!” HA! I’d also like the life coach to tell David to stop stooping like a vulture.

It’s almost time to mix. Patti’s concerned that she couldn’t find enough women for David, so she brings in a millionairess client of hers, Leslie. She really thinks David and Leslie will hit it off. You know that means she’ll be pushing Leslie on David, so watch out! Meanwhile, David and Jason meet “backstage” and Jason offers a totally girly half-handed shake to David. I should have known. Oh, and David’s shirt collar is again trapped under his jacket. Dude, don’t they make things that keep your collar from sagging? USE THEM.

Patti introduces the millionaires to the herd of girls stomping around Les Deux. (Hi Ashton and that tool from Big Brother!) She launches into a baby voice when talking about Jason, as though he’s precious. I think she’s doing this to protect him and also to pimp him. Like, it’ll make the girls feel like he MUST be adorable, since she’s using the baby voice. But it also protects his ego, so he thinks everyone thinks he’s adorable. Meanwhile, he’s sagging on his cane and looking sick/junked out.

Ready, set, FLIRT! David vultures his way over to a group of girls and kicks it off. He seems to be doing fine, except for picking at the mouse carcass on the floor. No, really, he acknowledges that he feels awkward with everyone staring at him, but he’s doing fine. It’s like me–I know I’m shy on the inside, but I’m a great actress. You’d never know that I feel sick inside when I’m talking to someone new. Anyway, back to Vulture. He’s talking about his first marriage, which happened in Vegas. Leslie, the millionairesss, asks some questions, which Patti interprets from afar as being smoking hot chemistry. Eh.

Meanwhile, Gummi is telling a gaggle of girls about making out with Tori Spelling on a beach. Some unfortunate-faced girl is VERY impressed and says, “Wow.” If I were in that group, I’d say, “Ew, why??!” He rambles about having his butler bring down an easel so he could paint Tori on the beach. The gummy blonde that Patti liked for Gummi asks him about art. It doesn’t seem to be a connection at all, but Patti latches onto that one too.

Later, another group of girls sits with Gummi. One girl tells an awful joke about having a mouse tattoo but being unable to find it on her body because her pussy ate it. Ew. That’s not even cute. The two other girls sitting with her are like, “Ew!” too. Jason’s mildly amused. Amused enough to choose her as one of his mini-dates for the event. He also chooses Gummy Stephanie, the one Patti liked for him. David chooses a 25-year-old, Claudia, and the 40-something millionairesss Leslie as his mini-dates.

Pussy-Joke girl gets her time with Jason first. As she brings Pussy-Joke in, Patti says to Jason, “Boobalicious for you!” Ha! (Patti hates that this girl’s rack was WAY hanging out.) Anyway, their mini-date is awful. Absolutely no chemistry at all, nothing to talk about, though the poor girl tries. There’s just no conversing with someone who’s high! He openly yawns in her face when she tells him she’s from Buffalo, NY.

David meets with Claudia, the young girl, first. They talk about sports and San Diego. It looks like he’s her dad, trying to find out if her last semester at school went well so he knows if it’s worth spending the money again for this semester. I’m not getting a sexy vibe off of them, but who knows. I’m even more confused when she says she doesn’t go out much (HUH?) and he says, “I would like sports, but I just don’t.” (HUH??)

Jason meets with Gummy Stephanie next. Their rapport is better–I think she’s less full of herself than Pussy-Joke was. She tells Jason that she likes shopping, traveling, and gambling. Gummi picks up on the gambling part and decides that she’s the one. He thinks she’s cutesy-wootsy. (His words.)

David meets with the old lady next. Oh, I’m kidding. She’s ten times more gorgeous than I am, and I’m a bit younger. Anyway, she is a competent motorcycle mechanic because her son races bikes, and David likes that. She can fix his Harley! Leslie flirts by asking if he’s got a helmet for a passenger. He totally misses it and says, “Sure, I have several.” She tries again: “I’m a good passenger.” Oh! He gets it.

When David chooses Claudia over Leslie as his big date, Patti reels back in shock. “Shocker! He picks the 25-year-old with the big knockers.” (Side note: I always forget how much I love the word “knockers”. I’m LOLing right now.) She feels she needs to intervene and steer him towards someone more appropriate for him. Well, it works–he chooses Leslie.

In the quick “We’re back, no we’re not!” segment of the week, we get to see Rayne again! Remember that pain-in-the-ass redhead? (No, no, it’s not me!) She attended the mixer after all, but Patti didn’t see her until it was all over. What happens next is the classic territorial Patti confrontation that ends up with the contender questioning Patti’s love life. Rayne asks “are you married?”; Patti throws her gigantic stupid heart ring in her face and says, “I’m ENGAAAAAAGED.” No matter, Rayne’s next move is to ask, “How long did THAT take ya?” Oh boy. Ooooh, here it comes, “I don’t need this, you are an ugly, fire-crotch bitch, take her outta here.” HA!!!

David is up first with his date. He picks up Leslie on his Harley. They look pretty good together on it, though she’s already bugging me with her flirtation. Like, she maybe likes him a little too much already. Is a little too eager. David’s rolling with it, though. He’s not as socially inept as he claims. And he looks way better on a bike than Jake the Bachelor does. Oh, that sweet, sweet dork, Jake.

They head out to Neptune’s Net, which is, if I’m not mistaken, Justin Bobby’s favorite place to take the ladies he’s fucking. (Am I right?) They split a chicken fingers platter and talk about how short life is, they need to take advantage of the time they have left, etc. What is this, Cocoon?? Is Don Ameche going to ride up and wink knowingly at them? Anyway, David’s diggin’ Leslie.

Gummi heads off in his limo to pick up Gummy Stephanie. What is with this show and making the girls stand on the street corner to get picked up? I think it’s weird! It takes him a while to get his stumbly ass out of the car to greet Stephanie, and she keeps backing up as he approaches. He’s not looking good–Destin should have arranged another spa session immediately before this date.

Meanwhile, Gummi asks her if she has a penis. (She doesn’t. He wants to check. Lovely.) He asks her about getting married, and she keeps giggling and deflecting. He interviews that he wants to throw everything weird he’s got at the girl, and if she’s comfortable with it, then HE is comfortable with it, and that’s all you want in a relationship is to be comfortable. He says this all with a user’s twitch and a whine. Hott stuff.

Back to David and Leslie. He asks about her son, thinking she just has the one. Oh no, she’s actually got three kids. The oldest is 23 years old. David visibly recoils and says, “Wow.” He immediately asks next if she wants to have more kids. She coyly says she does, but I gotta think a 40-something year old woman who’s made her millions and raised her kids probably does NOT want to deal with diapers and potty training all over again with some 50-something dad guy. And it’d probably be harder for her to get her figure back after that this time, too. David eases up a little, but I can tell he’s checked out.

Gummi and Gummy arrive at Gummi’s place for their date. Ew, he’s taking her THERE on their first date? Nevermind that when they get out of the limo, she reaches for his arm just as he’s digging around in his drawers to pick a wedgie. At least he got her some nice roses. They head up to the rooftop terrace (phew, no Golden Girls apartment for her), where a violinist and a monkey await. Yes, a violinist. She’s playing the violin. Got a problem with that?? Oh, wait, you were all shocked about the MONKEY. Peter Gabriel was, too. (Yes, I ate some candy before writing the latter part of the recap. Can you tell by my nonsensical wordplay? I can!)

Stephanie moans as she strokes Jason’s monkey. Jason interviews to tell us that monkeys are smarter than people, and this monkey’s going to be able to tell a good girl from a bad girl. Oh jeez. The monkey’s also picking nits out of Gummi’s hair (and wiping its greasy fingers on a couple of McDonald’s napkins that are sitting nearby).

David and Leslie are walking on the beach, and to hear Leslie say it, they’re having some special moments. They talk about the fact that she’s also got millions, which is a relief to both of them. The setting sun isn’t doing this poor woman any favors. All of a sudden, she looks ten years older. That’s fine, except it takes a bit of the child-bearing shine away from her. As she talks about how she made her money (wise real estate investments), David seems less and less interested. He ends their beach time with a lame hug. If his pecker had picked her, they’d be totally smooching in the sand right now.

Back to The Gums. Stephanie is obviously drunk by now, and Jason is drunk AND high. He asks if she’d like some more salad. She says, “Yes please.” And he tells her to go get it. She says “no!” He says she’s the woman, it’s her job to serve. Oh boy. She tells us that he’s jabbing her, but she’s jabbing right back. Good for her, but really, I think she needs to just leave. But I understand the concept of staying on a bad date with a lunatic just to gather a funny story for your friends for later.

Oh, but if she’d left, she wouldn’t have gotten the pleasure of having Gummi FART on her as he asks about her parents’ divorce! Oh my GOD. Please tell me this asshole isn’t getting laid. Anyway, they talk about farting like it’s something new, and Gummi even commands her to fart. I love a good fart, but this is gross. After THAT, they huddle up under some blankets as Stephanie tells us about their “connection.” I think your farts are connected in the sofa cushion, and that’s about that.

Then….they kiss!! She fucking approaches HIM!! That is gross gross GROSS!!!!!! My nose couldn’t wrinkle up into eyebrows any harder, and my dinner is churning. Don’t kiss that Gummi Bear!!!

Post-date follow-ups. Patti calls David, who is concerned about Leslie’s “situation”. Meaning, she has three adult children. She reminds David that Leslie’s willing to have more kids, and hey, his sperm might not be perfect either. “Have you checked it lately?” From what I understand, men check their goo pretty regularly, am I right? Oh, medically? Maybe not. Anyway, Patti gets off the phone pretty quickly and then calls him a dick. Okay, except he’s not a dick. He just wants a young(er) babymaker.

Gummi comes in to follow up with Patti. He says, “hey, we had a great time, and oh yeah, she says she has a boyfriend.” Patti calls Stephanie up right away to check if this is true. Has her on speakerphone and everything, with Jason sitting right there.

Patti shushes him like he’s 8 years old, which actually seems about right. Anyway, the girl says she’s on and off again with this other guy, which is okay in Patti’s eyes. Patti hands the phone to Jason, who pretty much just hangs up on Stephanie. Bye!

Patti’s sad that she couldn’t get Gummi Bear love this time around, and she’s going to find some other matches for him. I don’t really understand why this is her project right now, since he’s a drugged out mess who clearly needs psychiatric help on top of everything. But hey, she wants publicity and this is a way to get it.

So that’s that for this week. Are you going to go take a shower now? Cuz I kinda need to.

Next week, that ridiculous Jimmy D from last season comes back for another round. Remember him, the Italian with the big mole who referred to himself in the third person like a Seinfeld character? Him. Then some guy who looks like a white trash Jon Hamm does a strip-tease, I think on Chelsea’s lap. Then Patti has a fat, bald guy client who claims to be very conservative, which prompts Patti to ask if he has sex on the first date. Well. This should be fun. See you next week!