Millionaire Matchmaker: Girls who love girls who love girls who love farmer boys and the 4-H!

Hello, friends! How’s your love life going? Are you rich and confused about what set of private parts you’d like to play with? Were you raised in the middle of nowhere and thus harbor a “strange is bad!” mentality? No? Well, then you’re better off than our two friendly millionaires this week. Patti’s gonna hook ‘em up, though, don’t worry. They’ll have their turn. Let’s go!In our usual show opening segment, Patti’s discussing her wedding plans with Lump and some poor Asian lady who looks thrilled to be involved. Oh, she’s a florist. What follows is that tinkly little elephant music they play when someone’s being a dummy. In this case, it’s Patti, making the world’s worst wedding choices. She wants flowers AND candles AND mints AND kissing fish in the centerpieces AND cotton candy pink AND…slow down, Patti. Lump interviews to let us know she’s used to dealing with large personalities with crappy choices. Like the fish–who wants dead fish floating around inside a centerpiece vase?

Patti arrives at the office to learn about her two challenges this week. First up is Chelsea, who tells us more about Tricia, a millionairess whose husband cheated on her. We get our first “bi-curious” mention here…and don’t worry, you’ll hear it again. And again. And again. Anyway, Chelsea surmises that Tricia is done with men for now and wants to see what a woman can offer her in love. Patti’s wise to question if Tricia really is ready for love with the a woman or if she’s just trying it out because she’s been hurt.

Chelsea thinks Patti can help Tricia, especially with getting her a little more grounded in her search for her next partner. Patti jokes about Chelsea putting her boobs away before she’ll put anyone’s feet on the ground. And my, that rack is visible today. Are those new?

Time to meet Tricia Cruz’s video. She’s a middle-aged Latino woman who claims to be 38. I don’t believe that for a second–she’s easily in her 40s. Right?

Tricia tells us more about what she’s looking for. When it comes to the ladies, she either wants a totally butch lesbian or someone totally lipsticky. My take on it is that she wants a butch so that she’d get a guy with a vag who’d be more sensitive to her in her post-apocalyptic misery, or a lipstick because she wants to have an encounter that matches up to some porny ideal in her head. Either way, I’m not getting a healthy sexuality vibe about this at all. Patti’s also skeptical, stating that bisexuality isn’t something you just decide to do one day, and worrying that Tricia’s going to have an even harder time than usual deciding what she wants. But, it’s Patti’s job to help Tricia explore love and figure out what she wants. Tricia concludes by telling us she just wants to find love, whatever form, shape, or size it comes in. And I’m having cranky thoughts about Tricia being open-minded about gender, but probably little else (i.e., fatties need not apply), as well as wondering why Patti’s so lax with Tricia and not some of her other clients.

Next up is Destin’s client, Trevor. Trevor’s from a small town, has dated everyone he can without dating actual family members, and is a young Christian. Destin also reveals that Trevor has…DUNH DUNH DUNNNNNNH…never talked to a black woman before. The Bravo musical score leads us to believe that this is a GIGANTIC PROBLEM, but really, I can understand it. Small town, young kid…eh, he’ll get there eventually. I’ve never talked to an Australian woman before, is that so scandalous? Destin won’t show Patti the video on Trevor, which makes her very nervous. The only reason to hide the DVD is if someone’s really awful. Patti’s worried that Trevor will be too closed-minded to work with and warns that if Trevor isn’t a decent guy with a good heart, she won’t work with him.

Patti heads off to meet Trevor, expressing again her concern about not getting along with “Midwest idiots”. Nice. They meet at a sushi place, where it’s revealed that Trevor has never had sushi before. Aww, he’s a good sport. He tries a piece and says he likes it! See, not so closed-minded, Patti! Anyway, he’s adorable. Just a hint of a southern/mid-west accent, a serious mug, and a slender little build. He explains his wealth, which is a combination of real estate investment and farming. Yep, he’s a farmer. He tells us he’s worth just a little more than one million, which isn’t actually a lot when considered in perspective with our other millionaires. But, in Indiana, this must be a shit-ton. He’s got an 11,000 square foot house with a gigantic game room/theater area. Jeez. He blathers a bit about his family and Christian values, how they’re important to him, etc. To be expected. My only real complaint about the kid is that his pants are all wrong. He’s wearing them low on his hips like an emo kid or gangsta, but they’re not low-rise pants and they’re kinda skinny, so his crotch is hanging a little low. It just irks me.

Back at the sushi place, Patti explains to Trevor how to use his chopsticks. He tells her that his favorite restaurant is Pizza Hut. Oh boy, this is worse than we thought. Then Patti asks about his previous relationships (just one, for about a year) and who his celebrity crush is. It is…oh God…Carrie Prejean, that doofus pageant chick who spoke out against gay marriage. Deeeeeeep sigh. More Q&A about how white-bread Trevor is, and finally Patti cuts the kid some slack. He’s just a product of his environment–he’s not a bad guy. But he’ll be wanting a religious pageant girl, ASAP, please! Patti will accomodate that the best she can, but she warns him that she’ll try to shake things up a little bit. Maybe add a little dark meat into his white bread sammich!

Trevor’s not from LA, so Patti asks if he’ll need help planning the date. He does need help! Patti suggests that he take his date to the 1-800-Flowers flower farm. Aww, product placement, I didn’t miss you at all!

Tricia is next on Patti’s itinerary today. As we meet her, we see footage of her playing with some turntables and generally looking stupid (if you ask me). I just don’t think a sunny afternoon is the right time to spin vinyl, even if you’re just doing it for a dumb reality show.

Tricia explains her own net worth, which is somewhere around two million. She has some real estate holdings, and she does this stupid DJing. Also, she and her husband started a very successful sneaker boutique and made some cash. Then he cheated on her (she caught him in the act), and they split. She’s pretty upfront about how the money from the divorce settlement factors in, which I find refreshing. Don’t hide it, just be real! As much as I question her bi-curiosity and think she looks dumb spinning records, she seems pretty cool.

Tricia also explains to us her interest in women. Apparently, she gets hit on a lot by women and that has sparked in her a “hmm, why not?” attitude. She hopes Patti can help her find “my Prince Charming…or my Princess Charming.” Gag. She tells Patti (and, later, some of her dates) about how she’s always been interested in women but never had the opportunity. (When pressed by the lesbians later, she explains that “lack of opportunity” meant “being married and not wanting to cheat”.) She’s hoping Patti can help her figure out what she really wants.

I want to punch Patti for a second here. She asks for more details about Tricia catching her husband cheating. Like, it wasn’t enough for Tricia to explain that she arrived at the office and heard weird noises, and… “oh! excuse me!” No, Patti asked for details about them being naked, about them being on the desk, etc. She asks with a smile, too, like this is juicy gossip for her amusement. Tricia’s about to cry, though, and finally Patti snaps out of her gossip-junkie reverie to ask if Tricia’s okay. She’s clearly not, and some mention is made about everything being really fresh. Okay, HOW fresh? A 10-yr marriage and a recent heartbreak doesn’t equal success in a potential new relationship. Patti’s going to send Tricia to a therapist friend of hers to get clearance for Tricia to try to date women. (And I hope the therapist is also on warning to see if Tricia’s ready to date, PERIOD.)

And we’ll meet that therapist right now! Dr. Nicki is wearing a necktie and listening sternly to Tricia’s tales of being cheated on. Tricia is wearing thigh-high boots and a fur vest. Honestly, I almost bought boots very similar to those, but in black, but I had two problems with them. First, they made my legs hot. Like, I would be a sweaty mess whenever I wore them. Second, WHEN would I wear them? To the office? On a date? Out to pick up tricks? I decided my hundred dollar bills, y’all, could be spent more wisely. Back to Tricia and Dr. Nicky, they talk about trust and relationships and authenticity and father-figures and being genuine and other touchy-feelies. In the end, Tricia is given clearance to pick up some poon.

Time for the casting/date recruitment. Basically, we’re looking for Christian pageant girls for Trevor, and everything but the kitchen sink for Tricia. She’ll get to choose from butch and lipstick lesbians as well as a handful of dudes. Should be fun. Before we get started, though, Chelsea asks Patti if she’s been with a woman. She says she has, once, but it didn’t do anything for her because she likes, and she really does spell it, C-O-C-K. It’s good to know your strengths!

First up is the pageant girls for Trevor. Good, we’ll get the boring ones out of the way first. We meet a few Kellys (you think I’m joking, and meanwhile, i’m wondering if I should write “Kellies”?). One is a former Miss Arkansas who’s put on a few pounds. Patti, in her Whippet-thin body (yeah right) exclaims that she’s a “no.” Then we meet Maile (pronounced “Miley”), a gorgeous darker-skinned woman who is religious and has done pageants. She’s really, really pretty and so nice. Patti loves her–she’s in.

Then Patti interviews a few guys for Tricia. One’s a DJ, too, which isn’t really all that exciting, and another one is a dancer. Patti somehow thinks he’s gorgeous, even though he seems a little effeminate and also lacks any kind of discernable muscle tone. Seriously, I could do a better Chippendales strip-and-flex than that! Patti can barely contain herself when she sees that he’s totally hairless. Ick.

And then there’s Katie from Real World/Road Rules. Just kidding! Katie has a good joke about being a “Chapstick lesbian”, as she’s a healthy blend of both butch and lipstick. Patti asks her to vamp up the lipstick this time, “more Dita Von Teese and less Kat Von D.”

More elephant music as we meet Amy, the woman who will conquer both Trevor AND Tricia. When asked if she’s straight, she informs the room that she’s “pan.” Peter? Midsummernight’s Dream? Oh, like “pandemic”–spanning all. So, her love and cooter and pretentious labeling spans all, I see. She’s beautiful, but she just seems snooty and yet stupid at the same time. Like she picked up some thrift store copy of a Gender Issues and Sexuality 101 textbook and didn’t quite know what to do with it. Sure wish the bitch would smile.

Next up is Tyler, a woman who confuses my gender-gauge for a moment. I really thought she was a guy at first–a guy with really, really pretty eyes. Okay, Tyler’s hot. Totally butch, and pretty hot. Tyler is a weird one, though. I’m reading a lot of confidence off of her one moment and total shyness the next moment. She is confused at first about Patti’s questioning of her having a guy’s name (I think Tyler, the name, is a little ambiguous, but I also can’t think of any women I know named Tyler), and then faux-sheepishly nods when asked about flipping a straight woman before. (Meaning, she’s turned a straight woman gay, at least for the night.) Tyler also looks like a dainty version of Taylor Lautner. Don’tcha think?

Then we meet Baje (pronounced “beige”), a tranny-looking black woman who has a hard time answering if she’s bi or straight. I think they aren’t sure who she’s there to date, so they keep asking her. Eventually, they decide that Baje will meet with Tricia. And I find Baje boring, so moving on!

Then we meet Heidi, a tall blonde wearing a cowboy hat and cut-off shorts with heels. She went to a Christian college, but it sounds like it wasn’t by choice. She admits that it kept her out of trouble. Patti asks if she’s “a purity girl” and Heidi just laughs. That’s a no!

We end the segment with Patti’s catchphrase of the week, about the upcoming mixer: “It’s gonna be one hell of a hootenanny!”

And we head off to the mixer! Patti meets with Trevor first, mostly to warn him that this isn’t your traditional mixer, with two straight guys vying for the same women. No, he’ll be mixing with a bi-curious millionairesss, which means there will be lesbians underfoot. At first, I think Patti’s warning him because she knows it’ll really stretch him out of his comfort zone, but then I realize, no, it’s a practical matter. I’m sure Trevor won’t be making a beeline for Tyler, but he still might get tripped up by talking to a lipstick lesbian. Poor kid. Later, Patti tells the group at the mixer that he’s “smart as a whiz”. Aww. She mixed up “smart as a whip” and “he’s a whiz”. Cute, Patti. You stink with words.

Random observations of the mixer: Katie from Real World/Road Rules tells Trevor that she’s as gay as the day is long, but she thinks he’s adorable. Tricia meets the other DJ guy and eh, no chemistry. He seems boring! Tricia talks with a group about numerology, and some guy shouts out “nine”. Tricia clutches at her heart as though that’s meaningful, but then stops to look skyward for the answer. (The answer is “five.”) Tyler, though, is watching all of this with a smirk. She’s comin’ in for the kill! And here it comes–she and Tricia have the same birthday! Tricia talks to Baje and Baje keeps leaning in really awkwardly in order to hear.

I feel a little like Tyler today–my lip somehow split this weekend, right down the center of the lower lip. I keep sucking it into my mouth to keep it moist and to play with the gash a little (that’s what she said), and I feel like Tyler, who keeps sucking her lip/lip piercing in to suck on it. Honestly, Tyler is pretty attractive, but I hate that lip ring. Gross.

Trevor, so far, has enjoyed talking to Amy, the pan moron from the recruitment. She annoys me because she never smiles. She must know she’s pretty enough to not have to. Bitch. Later, Heidi sneaks up in a tight red dress to inform Trevor that she’d been in 4-H. And….Houston, we have a boner.

When it comes time to choose for the mini dates, I have to laugh. Tricia rejects Amy Pan because she’s “too young”. Trevor would love to honestly say, “Well, she likes to have sex with everyone, and not in a godly way”, so he just says, “She’s gorgeous, but…no.” Who does he pick? Maile (yay!) and Heidi. Who does Tricia pick? Baje and Tyler.

Baje is brought to meet Tricia, and all she does is giggle. Ugh, that giggle. I hate it, especially because Baje strikes me as being a little masculine (despite a really bangin’ body), so the giggle seems inauthentic. They talk about LA and about dogs (which Tricia has; which Baje fears). When Tricia meets with Tyler, though, the sparks are definitely more present. They talk about tattoos and what they like to do for fun. (Tyler’s answer: “I’m a big dinner person.” What the fuck is a “dinner person”?) They, too, talk about dogs, though this time, Tricia’s date passes the test!

Trevor meets with Heidi first, who is rockin’ some atrocious posture. Trevor starts his job interview with Heidi, asking her about her job ambitions and her religious values and the 4-H. He doesn’t appear to smile a whole lot. And I laugh when Heidi talks about “doing” steers, lambs, and chickens. Next, Trevor meets with Maile, who keeps doing a booger check on her nose but is otherwise sweet. But they don’t seem to have a whole lot to say to each other. Lots of smiles, not a lot of words.

As usual, there’s no shock in who gets picked for the big dates. Tricia picks her butchy Tyler for their date. Trevor waffles for a bit, and though he says he’s more attracted to Maile, he chooses Heidi for the big date instead. I think it was just too hard for him to digest going out with a black woman, gorgeous and nice as she was. Oh well!

In the “we’re back! no, we’re not!” segment this week, we get to watch Baje fake-cry over not getting picked. It’s really a waste of time, because it’s all manufactured drama. Baje and that “Loves it!” girl with the Minnie Mouse voice from the doll-handed Justin episode should crash another mixer another time to get some more TV time.

Trevor takes Patti’s advice and sets up a date at the 1-800-Flowers flower farm. Heidi arrives in a tight cocktail dress and cowboy boots. What a strange girl. They have the run of the place, where they waltz around cutting off flowers and shoving them in a basket. It’s fun for me to watch only because the body language is so telling. They aren’t walking together, they aren’t looking at each other, they’re just wandering around making small talk and cutting flowers. They ARE in sync, though, about how to chop the flowers–Heidi, without breaking stride or her story she’s telling, touches a flower and Trevor follows behind with the clippers to cut it for her. It’s a good system. Later, they eat lunch at a table set up in the middle of the flower field. That’s rather sweet. It all ends with Trevor offering to fly Heidi out to Indiana to visit him. Aww. Fake romance.

Now we head to some roller skating rink that Tricia rented out for her date with Tyler. Tyler arrives in black jeans and a black sleeveless t-shirt, looking every inch the Taylor Lautner body double (sans muscles) she aspires to be. Also, the crotch on HER pants is too low. What is it with these people and their crotches??! Anyway, she and Tricia skate around a little. Tyler seems bored or annoyed, though she likes that they’re doing an active date, and Tricia seems nervous. I have a niggling feeling that Tricia chose this date because it’s not a setting where one can really get a good sense of up-close chemistry. Ya know? Even mini golf is more telling when it comes to sexual chemistry. And…Tricia tells us, at this point, that she’s not feeling the chemistry. Big surprise!

While Tyler is getting changed for dinner, Tricia calls Patti in a panic about the missing chemistry. She seems like she wants to cry, and I totally feel for her. They still have to get through dinner and it’s just not the exciting love-fest it was supposed to be! So frustrating, and sad. Patti encourages Tricia to stay open, stay authentic and see what happens. Tyler arrives in her country-club/emo best–a white buttondown, brown pants, and skinny black tie. She seems sheepish and Tricia overly loudly welcomes her to the dinner table she’s set up in the center of the rink. Maybe the problem here is that Tricia wants Tyler to be the aggressor, and Tyler’s not doing it….but Tyler was invited on the date by the millionaire and is being “taken care of” tonight. These details really throw off the usual dating dynamics. I’m confused too!

Anyway, Tricia is thoughtful and had food brought in from Malo, the restaurant “Big Dinner Person” Tyler cited as her favorite. Tricia starts asking Tyler about her experiences as a young lesbian, and I immediately recognize my own “how to salvage a bad date” tactics. In this case, it’s Interview Your Date in a Friendly Way about Intimate Topics, So It’s Clear You Don’t Want to Learn About Those Intimate Topics in a Romantic Context, Say, Post-Coitus. I think Tyler recognizes it too, so now the date is firmly in “just friends” territory. What a shame–they had such a spark at first! I think Tricia got scared.

Post-date followup reveals that Trevor and Heidi totally hit it off. Trevor kisses Patti’s ass a little bit when he thanks her for taking the time to understand his needs and viewpoints more than others out in LA have done. Hugs! And goodbye!

Tricia comes in to tell Patti about her date with Tyler. Tyler already told Patti how she felt more like she was a buddy hanging out with Tricia. And Tricia reveals to Patti that she now knows that she likes and prefers men. The interest in women is more a fantasy than anything, but she’s always going to go for the wang. She realized this as she interviewed Tyler about her own homosexuality. Tyler’s always known she likes women, and now Tricia realizes that SHE has always known she likes men. So, there, experiment over. You know, I commend her for being open to making the switch and going through with the commitment to try, but I also think maybe it’s a little insulting to the gay community to think that being gay or bi could be chosen so capriciously? What do you think?

Next week, we have another gay millionaire, only this one seems like a real pill. Like, uber-judgmental when he has no room to be. Oh yay. Then there’s a snootsy maybe-British millionairess who cuts down some men at the mixer about their professions. And, oh!, Marc, the one who got ditched by Shauna a few weeks ago? He’s back, but this time, he’s the ill-tempered oaf he proved himself to be on the first episode of Seducing Cindy. (Thanks to whomever tipped me off to that show–I record it every week and I LOVE it. Seriously. It’s a sad love, but it’s love!) Come back next week! Please!