Millionaire Matchmaker: They May Be Green, But They’re Still Lonely

Another week, another set of bozos. Welcome back to Millionaire Matchmaker, my ‘gasmic friends. This week, we meet a narcissistic gay entrepreneur who thinks he’s the organic bee’s knees, and we watch a ball-busting millionairess…bust some balls. I’m pretty sure these two won’t be counted in Patti’s “very high success rate”. Either way, it was slightly entertaining, so follow me!Another week, another wedding planning consultation. Patti and Lump head off to some restaurant in Malibu to see if it’s an appropriate venue.

Since it’s not the glittery ballroom of the cheesiest cruise ship alive, it’s not suitable. Nope, this classy dark wood and white interior is just too small for the gigantic love-fest Patti wants. She wants the revelers to party til 2AM without a sense of space or time. There will be dancing. The Macarena is mentioned (so help us). Back to the drawing board, Lump! Maybe the Mission on Skid Row can host it–their dining hall seemed to be big enough!

At the office, Patti’s rockin’ an awful lace turtleneck with a blazer. It’s a terrible look for her. Not only is it ugly on its own terms, but it does absolutely nothing to flatter her. She looks like she’s gained 20 lbs and time warped from 1992. No good, Patti. Anyway, she’s complaining about how many weirdos have come to her lately. Like, the normal-to-weird ratio is now 1:10. She’d prefer to take on fewer clients and have them ALL be normal. Yes, but that’s what you do when the camera’s not on, sweetie. As long as Bravo’s in the house, yo, you’re going to work with the wackadoodles. Thanks!

Chelsea tells us first about Nicole, a South-African born woman who’s also lived in London. Now she’s in LA, as an eco-friendly event planner. Patti’s already defensive about her, expecting her to be a pain in the ass because she’s British and because she’s an event planner. (And she’s not off-base!) Destin then fills us in on Douglas, his gay millionaire du jour. He outright describes Doug as pretentious and superficial, but also eco-friendly.

Doug’s DVD plays first, and we hear his nasal whine as he talks about how awesome he is. Patti’s first dig is at his shirt, which is unbuttoned pretty much down to his navel. She calls him Deuce Bigalow, Gay Gigilo. Hee.

Back to Doug, who’s detailing for us what he’s looking for. It’s all superficial stuff. Hot, works out, hot, in good shape, and hot. The gang devolves into a mish-mash of them all saying, “hot! hot…hot! hot!” over and over. So, you think Doug’s looking for inner beauty?

Next up is Nicole’s DVD. She’s pretty! I kinda have a girl-crush on her, but more in the “I want to look like her” way than anything else. Anyway, she talks about her upbringing, then how she normally tests men on first dates, throwing them into strange situations and seeing how they man up. She’s probably a pain in the ass, but I’m guessing that’ll make the reward that much sweeter when she finally finds what she’s looking for.

Anyway, Patti recognizes herself in Nicole and knows it’ll take a lot to tame her masculine energy. (Here we go again…women with penises.) I laugh when Nicole describes her perfect guy, with this detail: “…green or blue eyes, though I will take brown.” HA! Nicole ends her video by pointing aggressively at the camera, dictating that Patti shall find her a man with a soul. Meanwhile, Patti’s frumpily pissed off because she knows Nicole needs more than soul–she needs a HOTTIE with soul.

Patti and Destin head off to some warehouse to meet with Doug, who’s in the middle of a photo shoot for his eco-friendly clothing line. (Hang on, is it Earth Week? NBC doesn’t have the little all-green peacock in the corner right now, does it?) He looks ridiculous. He obviously spends his time at the gym working his sex muscles and little else, and he’s got a butterface. Well, that would imply that his body is amazing, and it’s not. Really, I just hate the smug gay guys who are actually ugly, and I hate when they wear v-neck t-shirts. There. I said it. (Yes, I also hate smug heteros who are also ugly. But we’re talking about Doug right now, so back off!)

And to any of you Tim and Eric fans out there, doesn’t Doug kinda sound like Eric? Like when he’s dressed up as Carol, trying to woo Mr. Henderson? It’s that lackluster monotone or something. http://video.adultswim.com/tim-and-eric-awesome-show-great-job/hey-piggy-piggy.html

So, Mr. Donehoo, tell us more about yourself as you play tennis and take out your recycling. Oh, you drive a hybrid Ford Escape? That’s a pretty dorky car. You’re worth more than $2M and that’s what you drive? You run a sweatshop clothing line in a haphazard warehouse? You look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo?

Patti, Destin, and Doug (I keep typo-ing “dough”, which makes me giggle) sit down to talk about what Doug’s looking for. First they give him shit for the BeeGee’s man-cleavage in his DVD. Doug agrees, “less is more.” Then, like a dog with a bone, they give Dough shit for being so superficial. He just smirks and brushes them off–he wants someone hot, dammit, and he wants him NOW. And no, he’s not a narcissist….”not completely”.

Because Doug is so shallow, Patti thinks that having a mixer for this guy is all wrong. He’d just shark his way through the crowd, waste a chance with a hottie, and be back where he started. No, Patti’s going to hand-pick a few guys for Doug and will host a sit-down dinner party so they can all get to know each other a little more discretely (in a small-pieces/granular sense, not in a privacy sense). Makes sense to me. If Doug can see that there may be a bigger, better deal on the horizon, he’d never give some other great guys in front of him a chance. Limit his choices.

Patti heads off to meet with Chelsea at Nicole’s office. As she hunches over her steering wheel like an old lady, I notice a parking ticket under her windshield wiper. HA! I read US Weekly enough to know that LA is pretty bad with the meter maids, isn’t it?

Nicole takes this chance to introduce herself as we watch shots of her hard at work, planning eco-friendly events. She really loves to wear sleeveless v-necks, doesn’t she? And what’s with the fanny pack thingamabob around her waist? It’s like a backwards backpack. Is she diabetic or is that a colostomy bag? Or is she so confident that she can get away with wearing a fucked up bag that most people would get mocked for wearing?

Oh, another hybrid car–this time, a Prius. Hey, someone had to be driving one! I’d have assumed it would have been the gay guy. But that’s just me. Nicole thinks it’s vulgar to talk money, so she won’t tell us what she’s worth, but “it’s enough to be in this club.” Oh, shut up. They’re just making conversation. Who cares if you’re worth $1M or $100M. Anyway, she’s doing well with the rest of her life, but her personal life needs a little CPR.

Nicole also knows she’s a bit of a bitch with a whip, a tough audience for interested men. She’s intimidating. Patti brings this up first, too. Here we go again with the “masculine energy”–the woman with a penis. Nicole laughs but seems to agree, too. Nicole’s also getting a three-date dinner party instead of a mixer. To signal to Nicole that she’s going overboard with her weiner, Patti’s going to scratch her nose exaggeratedly. We’ll see later how THAT goes.

Oh god, oh god, oh god. Patti’s detailing the rules of the Millionaire’s Club again, reminding this cultured Brit not to put penises in any of her holes. Like, seriously, points at her crotch, her mouth, and then…hey, why not…her ass. Nicole says, “ew!” each time, louder and louder. Yeah, ew.

Then Nicole shares her idea for her date with her chosen man…a toxic tour of LA. A what?! Oh, you know, dummy. A toxic tour–a tour of places in LA with shitty eco-whatever. Oil refineries and stuff. Is this Omar, the junk-hauler, in drag? WTH? Patti says, adamantly, “No.” Nicole stresses that she knows what she’s doing, that she’s successful….and is interrupted by Chelsea and Patti who say, “but not in love!!!” Then Patti takes it too far by showing off her stupid gigantic heart ring. Now it’s personal, and now Patti loses. Nicole’s eyes shrink and she says, “how long did it take you to get there?” Same thing Firecrotch Bitch said! Hahaha

I love Nicole’s hair. I wish mine would do layered little flips like that. So sexy. Mine’s poker straight, but only because I flat-iron all the frizz out of it. Wah.

Patti finally agrees to the toxic tour idea, but ONLY if Nicole lets the man plan the dinner part of the evening. Deal! Well, that was easy.

Casting time! And it’s fun this week, kids! See, we get to play “who’s gay?” the whole time! Rachel, mistress of recruitment, isn’t telling anyone who they’re getting as they walk in the room, so Chelsea, Destin, and Patti keep trying to guess. That might be a little insulting to gay and hetero alike, but thaaaaaat’s our Patti!

Clay prances in the room–yes, he’s quite gay. Some fugly cro-magnon man also cretins in, but we never really talk to him to learn (or care) about his orientation. And then there’s some tall guy with bad hair–obviously straight. (No gay man would have that hair.) Clay is fun–he’s woodsy and outdoorsy, and yet his mom was involved with pageants, so he’s all about baton twirling. He seems fun! Oh, but Patti insults him when she tells him that the millionaire she’s trying to match him with only wants hotties/perfect 10s….but because she likes Clay and wants to teach the millionaire a lesson, she’ll keep him in the rotation. Ouch! Also, enough with teaching people lessons, Patti! They’re coming to you because they’re incapable of learning them! That’s why they’re single!

Charles, he of the bad hair, is tall and calm. I like that. His hair is bad, though. Like, product applied badly? Bad cut? Not sure. He may also be cross-eyed, but I don’t care. Tall and calm, tall and calm. He’s a pharmacist in a hospital, helping patients on the floor and all that stuff. Hey, Charles, my number is 1-800-PANDA4U.

Oh, my bad, Cro-Magnon speaks…he makes a joke about Nicole being British, which is awesome “because he speaks the language.” It’s bad enough, but Patti makes it worse by simpering sarcastically like a valley girl about how funny he is. Shut up!

Now Patti’s insulted one guy’s boots (they are kinda hideous) and another guy’s entire outfit. To be fair, he’s wearing some brilliant yellow doodad around his neck. He calls it his “whimsy”. I call it “his dumb.”

And then there’s Timmy. Again with the jerks from Seducing Cindy. This guy irritated the crap out of me on that show, every second of the time he was on the air. He was listed on that show as a longshoreman or something, which fits. He looks like he really enjoys breaking bottles in people’s faces on a regular basis. He also looks like he’s taken a few to the face a few times. So ugly. And even uglier here than he was on the other show. Ick! Suffice it to say, he is not chosen.

Next batch of dudes. We meet Alan, whom Patti accuses as having “Bozo hair”. It IS a little strange, all fluffy on his head, like cotton candy or something. He says, mock defensively, “it’s Twilight hair!” Alan purses his lips funny, too, and … wait a sec. Patti asks to see his teeth. He smiles, showing just the top. “No, the bottom ones.” Oh, there’s either a HUGE gap or there’s a tooth missing. She asks if he’ll get it fixed, and he shakes his head defiantly. “It gives me character.” Patti brings him into the fold for Doug, again to teach him a lesson and maybe help him learn to stop being so superficial. Good luck with that.

Then there’s Stuart, a stereotypical Brit with veneered chompers and a salt-and-pepper beard. Patti asks if he does yoga, and he jokes that he would if he could bend. Har har. His time with the crew ends when he does his Tom Cruise impression, which basically consists of him laughing with crazy eyes. And ya know what? It’s actually a good impression! The crew laughs! I laugh! Go, Stuart! Nicole’s never gonna pick ya!

Next batch! Bruce is a red-faced semi-ginger with a soul-patch, which sounds like an awful description, except that he seems pretty cool and, thus, is really cute! He owns an eco-friendly company, too, and loves “international” women. Perfect! He also corrects Patti when she says “echo-friendly” instead of “eco-friendly”. EEEEEEK-oh, not echo. And, wait, I just Googled him and he’s actually hot. Hotter than he appears on TV. Bruce, call me. Even though you attended “Prosper University”. (Ugh.)

David’s back! Remember the cute ethnic-in-some-way guy that they tried to hook Smike up with? No? Well, it’s him. He seems really sweet. I want to be his friend!

Patti, Destin, and Chelsea use a corkboard to pin up photos of their millionaires next to their potential matches. Destin cracks me up as he keeps stabbing the men through the center of their foreheads with the pushpins. Chelsea even says something. I don’t think it’s passive-aggressive–I think it’s just a lazy man’s way of doing things, but it makes me laugh. Stab!

Oh, so they choose Alan (Twilight Hair), David (Not Smike’s), and Clay (Not a Perfect 10) for Dough. Nicole will meet Bruce (Eco-Ginger), Charles (Tall and Calm (call me!)), and…Mark, from Shauna’s episode! Yep, they brought him back, thinking he’d be a good match for Nicole. Older, calm, attractive…seemed like a good idea at the time.

So, onto the dinner party mixer. Nicole and Doug get to meet, and then Patti and crew dispense advice. Nicole is advised to “always be indebted to the man, because that makes the flagpole raise.” More boner talk! This time, the hand-motion is from the elbow, so you know she means it. Nicole agrees, she needs a manly man with a big boner. Doug is watching with a sidelong “haaated it!” face.

Then the men come in for the dinner date! Patti makes an ass of herself by chanting, “who’s gay–who’s straight!”. Mark, who’s somehow looking way older and creepier, lisps some old-man phrase in wonderment about the gay/straight conundrum. Seriously, something may be wrong with his teeth. He keeps sucking at them, like an old man would. I think he knows something’s wrong with them, too. No wonder Shauna ran. (Still hate her for it.)

Patti brings Mark over to Nicole first, where he stands a little too close and looks down his wrinkly brow at her. Then he makes awkward guesses about where she’s from, and you can tell that this kind of flirtation just isn’t making her gushy downstairs. Later, she asks Charles about his travels, and he admits that he hasn’t left the country yet. She smiles at this, at least, but again, no gushies in the lady area.

Doug is nasally lecturing his adoring fan base about the environment, blathering on and on. David jokingly asks, “What do you do when you’re not saving the world?” Doug takes this as a serious question. Clay is already totally tuned out. Alan seems to be a good sport. In fact, I think they all hate Doug but are playing along. Doug, of course, thinks they all want him, badly.

Now we come to the scene we kept seeing in the promos, where Nicole rakes Tall and Calm Charles over the coals for his profession. He’s a clinical pharmacist. He is a doctor, but he’s not a physician, he says. Nicole asks, “So you dish out drugs?” I think the answer is yes? He gives medication to patients in the hospital, right? So, why does HE keep saying, “No” with a defensive smirk? Nicole keeps pressing, and he keeps saying no. I really don’t get it. Is she trying to imply that he’s just a drugstore doofus, or that he’s a drug-pusher, or what? And why is he so against saying he has something to do with giving out medicine? Can someone explain?

(I just Googled it, and Wikipedia says that clinical pharmacists are the ones who provide recommendations and expertise about medicinal therapy. So, like, when I had my shoulder reconstructed and they had to manage the ongoing pain, it was a clinical pharmacist in the hospital, not my surgeon, who decided that I should go off the injection pain meds and move onto Demerol. I think I get it now.)

Whatever it is that he does, I wish he knew how to explain it more succinctly to Nicole, so we’d all be spared this misery of their conversation. It’s really awful. And seriously, what person doesn’t know how to summarize their profession for outsiders in a quick-and-dirty two-minute soliloquy? I mean, I have a boring and somewhat hard to understand job myself, but I know how to explain it well enough to some jackass at a party.

And Mark is watching all of this with his loose dentures. Ick.

Patti swipes her nose like a maniac and pulls Nicole outside to chat. “You look like a bitch.” HA! Chelsea chirps to the guys at the table, “So what do you think of Nicole??!” They all laugh.

Now Destin’s keeping conversation moving at the gay guys’ table. Alan Twilight Hair asks Dough about his worst habit and his best feature. Doug lacks any self-awareness other than what his reflection is in the mirror, so he has no answer for Alan. David asks about past relationships and what may have been missing. Again, no answer from Doug. David feels like Doug’s got a barrier up, but really, I think he’s just a vapid piece of shit.

Destin pulls Doug aside for some coaching. Rachel asks the guys what they think so far, and they all purse their lips because they have nothing good to say. David, bless his sweet soul, offers that he feels like Doug may have a wall up. Nah, he doesn’t, but you’re sweet to try.

Doug, on the other hand, doesn’t feel like Destin’s evaluation of the energy at the table is at all accurate. Destin feels like everything’s way low, that the whole thing is flopping, that Doug needs to perk things up. Doug counters by saying that Destin can’t see the energy because he’s straight. If he were gay, he’d be able to see how bonery these guys are for Doug. “Trust me, they’re all into me. You’re bored because you’re straight. I’m not bored.” Hey Doug? **I** am bored. And I don’t need to be gay to see that you’re too stupid to realize you’re a dumb fugly mess.

Back to the hetero table, Bruce is telling Nicole about his love of backpacking in old growth forests in the Pacific Northwest. Mark interrupts, “Nicole, sweetie…”. Nicole turns with a lioness head swivel and says, “yes, what can I do for you?” Ouch. Mark then asks, “so, you want to have a kid and everything?” Seriously, that’s a direct quote, minus the stuttering. Nicole repeats the crappy phrasing back to him, then answers that she would like a child, yes. Then Mark asks if she’s a little wild. What the fuck kind of question is that? How on earth would any normal, classy, intelligent woman answer that? Say yes, and you’re automatically a slut. Say no, and you’re automatically a prude. Fuck you, Mark.

At Doug’s table, Doug is boring his candidates with a story about his last relationship, about how he was boring and didn’t do anything. Like, did nothing. Nothing. David and Alan are like, “how can that be?” Then Doug elaborates, sharing that his ex didn’t want to help him with his business, wouldn’t support him by….working like a dog for him at home, moving things around, etc. Ah… Clay gets it right when he suggests that Doug is looking for an assistant, not a boyfriend. I like Clay, and I hope he hightails it outta there as soon as dessert is finished.

Bruce wins Nicole over when he talks about his bamboo clothing line, how he’s got a white robe with her name all over it, and so on. He scores double points when he tells her his passion is living his life to the fullest. She clinks glasses with him over that, and we know now that Bruce is the winner tonight. Charles wasn’t cool enough with her crappy interrogation, and Mark is just a chump.

So, who’d the millionaires pick? David for Doug, and Bruce for Nicole. No huge drama here.

Oh, but wait. When Patti brings the candidates back to the room for the announcement of the winners of the master date, Mark mutters, “Safe bet.” Huh? Patti asks if he’s jealous that he didn’t get chosen, and he just keeps repeating that it’s a safe bet. I don’t even understand what he means. Having chemistry with someone is a safe bet? Not choosing the dildo who converses like a macaroon is a safe bet? Mark, go fly a kite.

And he does! He walks out! In his exit interview, he says that Bruce is a safe bet because he’s not “aggressive” like Mark is. Oh, and Mark pronounces “etc” as “ECK-settera”. That explains why he called it Spago’s, with the ” ‘s”. He probably barely graduated high school. At least his “dramatic” exit wasn’t anything like it was on Seducing Cindy. That asshole really shit the bed when he left.

I hate him.

In the “We’re back! No, we’re not!”, Patti’s doing a photo shoot for the “No H8″ campaign, which is against Proposition 8 in California. It’s just some dumb photo shoot of her with duct tape over her mouth and “NO H8″ painted on her cheek. Thanks.

Date time! David arrives for his date with Doug. And they’re going on a hot air balloon! Ooh! Patti approves! Too bad David doesn’t–he is really, really, really afraid of heights. Boo. (And again, I recommend renting “Enduring Love”. Crazy hot air balloon movie!) Doug’s looking forward to David “coming out of his shell”. Um, I think he’s reading this all wrong, but that’s a narcissist for ya!

When David tells Doug he’s afraid of heights, there’s a pregnant pause. Dough offers no consolation. When David struggles to climb into the basket, Dough offers no assistance. Dough is a twat.

They take off, and at first, they have trouble talking because every time one of them opens his mouth, the big balloon torch fires up. Eventually, things settle down and David actually gets comfortable. I don’t sense any chemistry from them, but at least David won’t puke from fear anymore. That’s good.

Bruce arrives to meet Nicole for their toxic tour. Will someone please explain to me how two jerks who own eco-friendly businesses decided it was a good idea to rent a shuttle bus for two people on a toxic tour? Couldn’t they find a Prius limo or something?

Anyway, their tour guide, Jesus, takes them to some neighborhood that sits in the shadows of an oil refinery. It smells like sulfur, and it doesn’t look pretty. But, that’s about it. Doesn’t seem THAT toxic. I mean, if it were, wouldn’t Erin Brockovitch be running past the camera, hooting and hollering about water samples?

Back to David and Doug, who just landed and are heading for dinner. Doug tells us that he’s sure there’s a spark on both ends, probably more on David’s end than his, but he’s interested in learning more. Meanwhile, I’d love to know where this guy got his confidence. I’m sure I’d be luckier in love if I just assumed everyone was into me. I mean, that kind of confidence can be very persuasive to some people!

Bruce was in charge of planning dinner, and he now takes charge. They’re heading to a restaurant called Fuego. Seems like a nice place for a sunset dinner. They start off talking about music, and Nicole pretentiously pronounces things in an overly snooty way, which is too much considering she’s already talking about classical music. Ugh, would you please just like some Fall Out Boy, or is it too much to ask you to be a little modern? When she pronounces “baroque” in a way that sounds like “Barack”, Bruce has a little giggle fest. Nicole just makes crazy judgment eyes at him. Poor Bruce.

Well, he wants to save this date, so he orders some tequila shots. Yummy! They intertwine arms to take the shots, and Nicole is being a little fussy about it. But hey, it did loosen her up a bit. They otherwise seem to be doin’ okay. They make little jokes with each other and seem to be into each other. I’m feelin’ it, even if she’s pretty frigid. Also, Bruce, call me. 1-800-PANDA4U.

And then…oh, then Bruce leans in, in a big way!, for the kiss. And Nicole totally pulls away and makes an “ick!” face. Oh no!!! Burned! Bruce lets his offer hang for a moment, but she’s really not going to kiss him. He dejectedly leans back into his chair. Ouch, ouch, ouch. She doesn’t even offer an apology, saying she doesn’t kiss on the first date or anything like that. Nope, that killed it. She says she wasn’t ready for it.

Back to David and Doughy, who are just sitting down to dinner. David’s interested in the steak, but Doug is immediately disdainful. “Red meat?” Apparently, red meat is terrible for the environment, isn’t sustainable, etc. Doug said it was “a little disturbing” that David would order red meat in front of him. You asshole. David concedes defeat and lets Doug dictate what he should order. I really wish he would have defied that jerk and ordered the steak anyway, but he’s too sweet, so he ordered the chicken that Doug recommended. Ugh.

You’d think Doug would let it drop, but no. RedMeatGate continues after ordering their entrees. Doug insults David by saying everyone knows red meat is bad for the environment. David’s like, “I’m sorry, it’s not that I’m not eco-friendly, I just didn’t know!” Then David offers some anecdotes about his culture (he’s from Guam), and how much food plays into the culture. It’s all about family and friends and serving huge meals. And Doug says, “…and getting fat?” Ew. What a dick. If I were David, I would have walked out. Then ordered a slab of raw red meat to be delivered to the table in my absence.

David sticks it out, though. He even resorts to interviewing Doug about Doug, since he knows he ain’t getting anywhere with normal adult back-and-forth conversation. Doug talks about how awesome he is, how awesome his company is, and more about how awesome he is. David calls it “The Doug Show”. I hate this show.

David asks Doug to grade their date, on a scale of 1 to 10. Doug says, sneeringly, “Um, I guess I’d give it more than a five.” Classy. Doug, meanwhile, interviews to tell us he’s sure David’s into him and that he’d like to do another date. Hahahaha, you poor delusional prick!

Okay, time to wrap this up. Post-date follow-ups! Patti calls David, and David tells Patti all the crap we just watched. Patti is totally annoyed. And she has a great point–if Doug’s criticizing your food choice on the first date, what else will he pick apart further down the road?

Doug comes in to meet with Patti, and they immediately jump into the red meat debate. Doug somehow refers to cows as “red animals” and confirms for me that he’s a functional idiot. Patti, again, sums it up well by saying that Doug is eco-friendly because it’s fashionable and makes him money, but he doesn’t actually know much about it.

(P.S. Without Googling it, I can tell you it has to do with the way the cattle are raised for slaughter and the grains they’re fed, etc. Grass-fed cattle is actually not terrible for the environment, and I’m sure the restaurant they were at had organic/grass-fed steak, so he can just STFU right now. And I don’t consider myself an eco-expert, DOUG.)

Patti calls Bruce, who talks about the toxic tour, then about how the date was going well until his kiss was snubbed. But he’d like to see her again! Well, that’s nice! Nicole comes in to talk about things, and Patti lights into her about the botched kiss. “He earned that kiss!” Yes he did, with that stupid toxic tour. And (for the third time tonight), Patti’s right. The chemistry is so important, and the kiss is a BIG determinant of that chemistry, so she should have gotten it out of the way when it was offered.

Caption follow-up? It’s a no-go for Dough and David. And while Nicole and Bruce had another date, it didn’t end up going anywhere.

Next week, some douchy guy gets accused of playing Patti, and she also accuses him of having a small weiner AND being an “a-hole”. And there’s a helicopter. See you next week!