Millionaire Matchmaker: A Breath of Fresh Air and a Two-Timing Scumbag

Well, hello! How’ve you been? Did you abruptly stop eating red meat and move far, far away from that toxic oil refinery that loomed over your backyard? Did you run out and buy a hybrid? Did you find love? Don’t worry, none of those chumps did either. That’s why this show exists!

This week, we meet a sweet guy who seems to be open to love finding him, and who doesn’t seem to be pimping his business too hard. Refreshing, isn’t it? That’s Ayinde. Then there’s Will. Will is a super-rich douche with nice cars and bad manners. Can’t wait to tell you what that jackhole did. Meet my Millionaires!First up, wedding planning segment! Now it’s cake tasting time. You know this is Patti’s favorite without her telling you (but she tells you anyway). Lump looks really nice in a red dress. Patti’s excited about the red velvet cake, but then asks if it can be pink. Well, then it’s not red velvet cake, honey. The tinkly dumb-elephant music plays. The cake lady makes an “eek” face, then agrees to make “pink velvet”. Poor cake lady.

Back at the office, Patti’s on her glass-topped perch and asks for the who’s who this week. Chelsea starts off with Ayinde. He’s a tall, bald black guy who formerly played beach volleyball and who now runs an internet radio station. (It’s still in beta testing, so you haven’t heard of it yet.) He speaks slowly and calmly, with a great smile. At first, I think his smile is a bit much, but in this world of frowns, it’s really sweet to see that smile. (I’m a frowner, I’ll admit it!) He seems terribly genuine, and he even admits his fear of commitment. He’s looking for Patti to help him open up and find love. And ya know what? I really believe it.

Then…Will. Destin starts off by telling Patti how good looking this guy is, how he’s about to inherit $40 million, and so on. Patti’s cool with it so far. Then Destin explains that Will is incredibly selfish, self-centered, and crappy. Within ten seconds of the start of his DVD, I can hear how lazy his diction is. I mean, diction’s not something I go around noticing, so if it’s that bad that I noticed it, then it’s bad. He talks too fast, and all his words slur together. It’s lazy. Anyway, he’s 27 and does investment banking and stuff with restaurants. That stuff + family money = big money = big douchebaggery.

I barf into my napkin a bit when he explains that he gets a lot of pussy because of the glitz and glamour he perpetuates as a restaurateur. And that because he owns these places, “panties drop.” Seriously, there are humans out there that talk like that. His next reveal is that he’s a cheater. Despite having been in a 6-yr relationship with a woman, he couldn’t always say no to the offers. Well, when panties drop, you gotta pick ‘em up, am I right?

Will thinks he wants Patti to find him someone who’s going to love him despite the money, be there for him like his ex was, be the girl he WON’T cheat on. Thing is, he can only do that for himself. Patti’s got nothing to do with it. Unless she brings in her crack team of therapists and psychics and whatnot. For what it’s worth, I don’t think Will is here to troll for fresh pussy, since he can get it so readily on his own. And since he doesn’t tell us much about his actual business, I don’t think he’s here to advertise himself. So why is he here?? Patti only agrees to work with him, with many reservations, because he reached out to her. Some part of him must want to change, so she’ll give it a crack.

(Here’s where I get cranky with Bravo. I had the recap done a while ago, but I was waiting for the full episode to get posted on Bravo.com so I could grab my funny pics. Still hasn’t posted, so we’re going minimal with the screencaps tonight. Sorry.)

Patti meets Ayinde for lunch. He arrives wearing a sport coat with only the top button fastened, which I think is a no-no. (I’m not a dude, but isn’t it, from top to bottom, “sometimes-always-never”? So he has the “sometimes” buttoned and the “always” unbuttoned.) He’s also got a black t-shirt under his dress shirt, which throws me off and gets me thinking about race and business dress for men. Do men wear the white t-shirt under a dress shirt to blend in their skin tone and hide hair? Or just catch sweat? Or all of the above? And then, presumably, would a black man wear a black shirt because he’s blending his own skin under the main shirt? And also absorbing sweat? Hmm.

Anyway, Ayinde’s a sweetheart. Great smile, warm guy. His extended introduction includes a little of him playing beach volleyball, and I appreciate the time they took to film these shots. (1-800-PANDA4U, Ayinde!) A brief Google session reveals nothing unseemly about the guy at all, which makes me smile. He’s just a decent guy, looking for love!

He’s come to Patti because he works a lot, and he’s working with male tech people. He’s not interested in dating techy guys! He IS interested in women of any race/color–he cites United Colors of Benetton. Age isn’t important. Intellect is–he wants an East-coast kind of girl. And religion-wise, he’s looking for someone spiritual who’s open to things and not filled with dogma.

They again talk about his commitmentphobia, in the most open and genuine way. Patti’s big on people’s energy, and I think she can sense that Ayinde is filled with goodness. Anyway, she wants to send him to Dr. Nicki (remember, she with the necktie), who will hopefully work through some of Ayinde’s blockage. Hey, maybe he’ll poop better too!

Then Patti heads out to Will’s house. Her defenses are way up with him–she’s full of sneers and back-handed insults. Will, to his credit, takes it in stride. He admits he’s a dog, he smiles at her barbs, and they keep moving. In his expanded intro, we see him in a little Matchbox car, tooling intensely around LA. He keeps talking about ‘glitz and glamour’. Shut up.

Patti and WIll sit on the couch for the meeting. Very sincerely, she says, “I can’t cure you of cheating.” His face drops and he quickly agrees. She gives us all a ray of sunshine when she talks about how she “can’t stop the penis from doing other picking.” Will looks a lot older than 27. Is he that overworked, or is the glitz and glamour getting to him? Check out the bags under those eyes. Anyway, he defends his cheating by explaining how the intimacy will sometimes die in a relationship. Patti immediately turns it back on him–WHY did it die? Because he had a roving eye? He again blames his lifestyle. He can’t help it that he’s hot and rich and makes panties drop!

Will admits that he wants someone with a brain. He actually says, “I am willing to sacrifice a ’10′ bimbo for an ’8′ or ’9′ with a brain.” I can’t tell you how much I hate it when people rank others on a 1-10 scale.

Oh, goody, it’s time for casting! The waiting room is full of internationally gorgeous women. Patti’s looking for a smart wild-card for Will, and a sweet but exciting girl for Ayinde. Let’s see how she does.

First up is Aleesha, a tall black woman with an incredibly large mole on her cheek. I’m having a fruit fly problem right now, and they tend to collect on my TV. This time, I’m wondering if a dung beetle wandered into the apartment while I wasn’t looking. Wow. I mean, I’ll get used to it, but it’s very Fred Savage in Austin Powers. Maybe she ate a brownie before she walked into the room?

Then we meet Carol, who is unemployed and talks about skydiving. Then Thao, who’s a makeup artist with no ambition to do anything else. Then Heaven, a bleached-blonde who admits that her parents really named her that, and no, they weren’t hippies and she’s not a stripper. They’re all a “no”.

Joslyn heads in. She’s tall and sweet and pretty, and she hails from Lucky, Louisiana. She’s adorable. I’ve also caught wind of the fact that she was on ANTM, which I don’t watch. Anyone got the goods on her from that show? Anyway, Patti likes her. She’s pretty, she’s sweet, and she’s ambitious. Ayinde’s gonna eat her up!

We also meet Roni, who’s a business woman and a fashion designer. She seems pretty great too! Hey, all these girls for Ayinde, what about Will? Patti keeps searching.

Crystal heads in for her interview. At first, I think she’s awful and they’re going to mock the shit out her. But when she tells them more about her exotic dancing business and her ambitions to open a Subway franchise, Patti and team are interested. She might be the hot wildcard that Will needs. (I don’t think she’s even an ’8′, so she won’t register on his radar, but they have to start somewhere.) (I laugh when Patti wants to high-five the girl. First she says, “High-top” instead of “high-five”. Then she says, “I’m kidding–I’m not kidding.” Ha–she’s all flustered!)

Oh golly, we meet a weirdo next. Michelle is a 4’11″ legal secretary. She’s got enormous boobs (for such a little thing) and braces. It’s such a weird look, and then she’s got this weird, gasping laugh. They ask whether the boobs or the braces came first. The braces came first! She also admits to wanting even larger boobs, and hey, she’s 25 and has a kid! I’m pretty sure they reject her.

At the casting for…the guy two or three weeks ago (who was it again? Mateo, maybe?), we very briefly talked to an Asian woman in the lobby who works for a mechanic, knows how to change oil, etc. She didn’t get picked for the mixer then, I don’t think, but she’s getting picked now. After they insult her boobalicious shirt choice, that is. Patti’s quote makes me laugh out loud, as you can hear her brain churning while the mouth keeps flapping: “I like cocktail attire, but not when the bimbos… are bringing the tatas to the table….and it’s too much…with the nipples.”

Finally, we meet Nequisha, a very bubbly, smart young woman who works in travel/event planning for an aerospace company. She’s really cute, too. And she’s looking for love! They select her for Will, since she’s got her own thang going and is smart/cute/won’t dig for gold.

Ayinde heads out to meet with Dr. Nicki. They sit on the floor together for their heart-to-heart. Ayinde explains that his relationships never seem to last longer than 1.5 years. Dr. Nicki, in a “holy shit” moment, asks, “What happened in YOUR life at 1.5 years old?” Turns out, Ayinde’s parents split when he was that age. That’s CRAZY. Ayinde is a little spooked about it, too. Anyway, they keep talking, and Ayinde reveals that the reason he never formed a relationship with his father was because he was MURDERED when Ayinde was seven. Oh golly, that poor sweet man. And now he’s the same age that his dad was when he passed away. So sad.

I respect Dr. Nicki. She listens without simpering over the guy. I think that would have closed him off. Instead, she acknowledges that there are several stories in Ayinde’s life, which come up as potholes and abysses. He needs to work on those, to realize that not every relationship will be like his parents’, that everything doesn’t automatically go to shit at a year and a half. He nods thoughtfully. She wants him to push through that wall, though he admits he doesn’t know what’s on the other side. Well, he’ll just have to take that risk. I really think this is a good session. Ayinde is smiling away his tears.

Time for the mixer! Ayinde and Patti meet briefly downstairs, where she deftly navigates asking him about his session with Dr. Nicki without invading his privacy. Ayinde is excited to meet the women, but they have to wait for Will. Apparently, he’s an hour late for the mixer and everyone’s pissed.

When he finally arrives, Destin’s waiting at the curb for him to bitch him out. Then Patti tears him a new one when he arrives. She forces him to apologize to Ayinde, who is terribly embarrassed about the whole thing. Will’s rude, he’s late, he doesn’t respect anyone, let’s move on.

Let’s meet the women! Ayinde immediately makes connections with the women, talking earnestly and in a friendly way about all kinds of light-hearted, neutral topics. He’s at ease and he’s sweet. Will, however, holds court over a harem, throwing his lazy diction at them as he spouts off about his multiple businesses and whatever. He’s definitely got himself an entourage. Patti cuts this off pretty quickly–you’re not here to bore them or feed them your resume, you’re here to connect.

He separates Rose from the pack and interviews her. And it’s exactly how it sounds–he’s not warm, he’s not smiling, and he’s jabbing these girls with questions. “Tell me more about you” is not a question. It’s a demand, and it’s lazy.

So who’d our millionaires pick? Ayinde chose Aleesha, the journalist with the dung beetle on her face, and Joslyn, then ANTM cutie. Will agrees that Joslyn is cute, and I’m scared that he’s going to try to steal her from Ayinde. But no, he chooses Rose and Nequisha. I approve!

And now for the mini-dates, so the guys can settle in on who they’d like to take on their masturbate. I mean, master date. It’s Ayinde and Joslyn first. They talk about family and smile at each other. Adorable. Then we cut to Will, who’s grilling Rose about why she’s single. He keeps trying to dig at the details of her last relationship, which–duh!–makes her uncomfortable. Patti and crew are observing from an upper deck, apparently out of earshot. Patti keeps making a whimpering “WTF” noise about Will. Destin is staring in horror.

Patti’s also wearing a weird dress from the Michael Jackson glittery epaulet collection.

Now Aleesha and Ayinde talk about religion on their mini-date. Aleesha gives a very pageant-y answer about her faith, and it’s clearly not quite the answer Ayinde’s looking for. (There’s a little dogma barkin’ out there.) And then we head back to Will, who’s put on his Human Resources hat in order to get to know Nequisha better. He actually asks her where she sees herself five years from now! OMG! Then he asks if she’s a jealous person–she says she’s not. (Remember that.) He asks, in an HR way, where her self-confidence comes from. There is, like, zero connection going on here.

Patti descends to admonish Will for his approach. He says, “I’m doing a job interview for my love!” That’s when Patti does the quote from the previews, about how no one wants to ride his ride and how his “thing” surely ain’t that big. Blech.

Will chose Nequisha for his master date. He makes it sound like a job duty, not a date. Like, “I will take her on this date you are making me do,” not “I’m really interested in getting to know her better and showing her a good time.” And Ayinde chose Josyln for their date. I can’t wait!

In the “We’re back! No, we’re not!” segment this week, Patti arranges for a large sheet cake and candles to arrive at the mixer, as it’s Ayinde’s birthday. He jokes with the women about wishing he’d said he was ridiculously old so they could all fawn over him with compliments about how good he looks for his age. Aww.

So, how were the dates? Well, Ayinde took Joslyn on a fantastic helicopter tour of LA! They held hands and gasped with joy together. It was magical to watch. I know I sound like I’m somehow a paid endorsement for Ayinde and his date, but it was seriously refreshing to watch a couple have fun on a date and actually have a little chemistry. They hooted and hollered as the helicopter dipped between office buildings, and they took a photo of the Hollywood sign with Ayinde’s phone. So cute! They even look a little like each other, but not in a family way, but in a “we belong together” way.

Then they headed off to a Moroccan restaurant for dinner. I love that they’re actually EATING, too. These dates seem to pick at their food all the time. Eat something! They talk about Ayinde’s past relationships, and Joslyn reveals that her last relationship was six years long. Ayinde tells us that if he’d heard that a year ago, he’d have broken free and run the hell outta there. But now he loves it–he wants some of that!

And then the belly dancer arrives! This isn’t my favorite part of the Moroccan dinner experience, I must admit. I just feel…put on the spot, like I have to watch. And then God forbid they try to get me to dance. No thanks! But not true for Joslyn, she’s all over it! And Ayinde loves her spunk. It’s lovely.

Will tells Nequisha to pack an overnight bag, as his plan is to whisk her to Vegas for the WORST best of his glitz and glamour. Nequisha’s up for it, packing a garment bag for the trip. Will rolls up in a Rolls Royce Phantom. Hey, that’s nice, but if you want a girl to love you for more than your money, stop flaunting the money! Anyway, he also thinks he’s impressing her with his private jet, but man, is that thing tiny. They’re stuffed in there like sardines. It doesn’t seem fun at all.

And what makes it worse? Will brought along his “assistant”. His young, nubile, hot Asian woman named Ariel. Ariel’s perfectly friendly, as Will explains that Ariel is just as important to him as his Blackberry. Nequisha’s face says it all, though–she’s not happy. I mean, assistant or not, don’t bring Ariel in the private jet with you, dude. Bad move. Conversation pretty much dies because of the third wheel.

Next up is some steak dinner at a noisy casino restaurant. (I guess that’s all there really is in Vegas? I don’t know, I haven’t been there yet.) (Oh wait, it’s Planet Hollywood. Cuz nothing says romance OR even glitz and glamour like Planet Hollywood. Ugh.) Will and his lazy diction aren’t doing any better with the conversation here, even though they’re alone now. In fact, they eat steak and comment to each other about it, and that’s it. Oh, except for the part where Will tells her that there were hotter women at the mixer, but he liked her for her personality, too. OUCH. Nequisha nods with gritted teeth and a fixed stare. Then she asks about Will’s assistant, following up with some jealous-type sounding questions. Hey, I can’t blame her. When a jackass is parading his booty call around me when he’s trying to date me, I become the jealous type, too! They end with a toast. Will says, “To not settling down, right?” And Nequisha counters, “…to not settling.” Damn.

Oh, then Ariel arrives! Then Nequisha gets preeeeeeeetty frosty and Will somehow changes demeanor. It’s becoming clear to Nequisha that Ariel’s not just an assistant. There’s something else going on here. It’s creepy. Things go totally silent, other than Ariel alerting them to the fact that their private lounge area at Prive is ready for them.

The three of them head off to Prive, and all kinds of jokers are visiting the table. Will comments that his lifestyle is too wild for Nequisha. No, it’s not too wild, you asshole, it’s too RUDE. Nequisha has a tight smile plastered on her face, suffering through it all, until she catches him totally checking out Ariel’s rack. Aaaaand, Nequisha’s outta there. Good for her!

So, time to wrap this up. How’d it all go? Ayinde meets with Patti first, and he’s gushing. A second date with Josyln is definitely in the works–he wants to take her to play beach volleyball. Patti loves it and urges him to set up that date ASAP!

Patti calls Nequisha. Nequisha spills the beans about Will and Ariel. Now, I’m not sure, but did Nequisha see stuff that we didn’t? Or is she basing all this speculation on what she observed on the date? I mean, I know she definitely saw more than we did, but I wasn’t totally clear that Will and Ariel ARE sleeping together. I’m sure he’d LIKE to. So, when Patti calls Will in for a beat-down, I cringe a little because I’m not exactly sure how much Will deserves this. I mean, he was a douchebag asshole with some of the worst dating manners I’ve ever seen, but was he actually bringing a conquest on his date? Why would he do that? Anyway, Patti kicks him out of the club. I’m pretty sure that’s for the best.

So, Captions, won’t you tell us the last chapter to this story? Well, Ayinde and Joslyn are officially dating!!! I Googled their names together and found no trash, so I hope that means good things for them. (If not, Ayinde, 1-800-PANDA4U!) And no surprise that Will and Nequisha didn’t go out again. A-doy.

Next week….ugh, next week. Some doofus with dumb hair and Chicklet teeth apparently tries to have sex with his date ON the first date. As we know, that’s a no-no in Patti’s club. The other guy is some kind of spazzy Italian sort, and his date accuses him of being rude. Oh, and the old lady who talks uber-candidly about sex? She’s back! Can’t wait! Come back next week, please please please!

Postscript: I just read Ayinde’s blog on Bravo’s site, where he admits that he is no longer seeing Joslyn. He’s a total gentleman about it, as in, we don’t know why it didn’t work. I feel sad. (But call me! I mean it! I’m tall and reasonably attractive and intelligent!)