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Were you dating someone for the past month or two, content with how it was going, even if it wasn’t that exciting and you knew he wasn’t the love of a lifetime, but at least it filled a teensy little empty place in your life, for now anyway, but now it’s all over? Just me? Oh. Well, maybe we all need to meet some single millionaires anyway. Follow me!I regret to inform you that we’re Lump-less this evening. That’s right, our favorite lumpy bridal coordinator has the week off. In her place, we get to meet Sin Halo, the demon spawn of Destin and Rachel. Actually, this kid is pretty effing cute. Too bad his name will bring him great pain and weirdness in his life. And too bad, too, that they keep slicking his hair into an Eddie Munster widow’s peak. Just let the kid be a googly, drooling baby, please!
Anyway, the happy family does a photo shoot for some magazine, posing with their Gothic pram and leopard-print couch. Ick, being goth these days is pretty awful. I miss my old goth days, when you just needed a black shirt and a pair of Docs. So easy. And so less pretentious. And I never had to mug angrily for the camera, like Destin is. Finally, Destin cracks me up when he talks about how they are ‘high-end matchmakers’, so people really give a shit what they’re doing. Eh, not so much.
So, plop your old ass down on that glass tabletop and listen for a spell. This week’s millionaires are both movie producers. And they’re both gross. First is Justin, whom Chelsea explains as a 40-something guy from a wealthy Canadian family who lives the life of a spoiled teenager. A Peter Pan, if you will. (I will.) (Wait, I won’t.) (Wait, will I?) Patti turns to Destin to learn about the other one, asking if he’s got something “better than this shit.” Ha!
Destin’s got Kevin Strom, who’s got the fittingest last name ever. One of the first words used to describe him is “chauvinist.” Cool. We get right to his video, which contains a several-minutes long string of offensive statements. Plus, the guy’s face is weird–it doesn’t move. He just has this creepy plastic smile pasted on as he talks about wanting teeny, subservient women with “tight butts on them.” He talks about how he’s cheated on women before, how he can’t help cheating, and how he keeps a spreadsheet on the women he dates so he doesn’t have to remember details about them. The team is horrified.
Note that I just saw an episode or two from Season 1, and Chelsea looks so much better with long, dark hair! Oh wow, she’s like a different person. Patti’s definitely lost some weight and her side-swept bangs are really, REALLY helping her out. Destin, amazingly, looks the same. (Well, that is, from Season 2. Season 1, there was still that other female VP who couldn’t broker a match to save her life.)
Also note that I made a reference to Kevin’s last name being really apt. I just Googled it to make sure the slang I was using was common enough to be understood, and it’s not. What is a strom? In South Philly parlance, it’s a tool, asshole, douchebag, etc. A strom. “Yo, look at that strom, gellin’ up his hair with cheesesteak grease.”
Destin wants Patti to work with Strom so they can break him down and somehow extract that 1% of good human being that might be in there. Patti tells us that she wants to work with Strom on behalf of her sisters, for those of us who deal with this asshole in our dating lives. Strom says he’s looking forward to Patti finding him a match, since he’s so picky. Well, I don’t think this is going to be about finding a match for him–it’s going to be about teaching him how to appreciate women without objectifying or abusing them.
And then we have Justin. He looks like that mulleted Jewish comedian who ended up on 7th Heaven. Richard something? (Googled the HELL out of this. It’s Richard Lewis.) Well, maybe that guy’s younger brother? He also has a teensy bit of Bethenny from RHONY vibe goin’. I don’t quite understand his accent, either. It’s another asshole with lazy diction. He talks too fast, his words run together, and the Canadian accent is OUT OF CONTROL. (He actually gets subtitled later, even though he’s speaking English.) He creeps me out with his incessant smile. He fancies himself to be a big partier. His favorite type of woman is a tall, busty model type.
It’s time for Strom’s extended intro. Basically, he’s a rich tool with a loft overlooking LA and tons of ladies at his disposal. He blames women for his cheating–”a man is only as faithful as his options” or some shit. And he believes that women should be cooking for him while he’s watching football. This line is delivered as we watch him do wimpy pull-ups. But anyway, hey, he’s ready for a family. Patti, order me up a subservient slut, please. It’d be perfect if her name were Madonna Fleiss, thanks!
Ooh, Patti asks him about the spreadsheet! He complains, “how am I supposed to remember everything?” Patti’s answer is perfect. It’s delivered with no malice (though I’m sure she feels it): If you need to use a spreadsheet to help you remember something about a girl, then that girl should fall off your list. Bingo.
Finally, she asks her (probably) patented, “Why love now?” He seems sincere about his wish to get started down the “family” road. Patti warns him that she only takes on serious clients, and he’s going to have to WORK to show her that he’s ready for what she can deliver, that he’s NOT a total strom. He promises to try. Patti knows he’s lying, but she’ll go along with it. Sigh. We know what usually happens here.
Just when we thought this was done and an agreement was made, Patti checks to make sure she knows what he’s looking for. She starts throwing out sarcastic ‘ideals’ that Strom is looking for: a girl who won’t interrupt the big game; will entertain him; will serve him; will excite him; will lick his penis. Strom keeps shouting “Yes!” after each sarcastic declaration. What a strom. Anyway, Patti thinks the guy has no game, so she’s got a twist for his set-up. She hastens out the door to get crackin’ on this perfect slut Strom wants.
Now Patti’s meeting with Justin Peter Pan. In his extended intro, we learn that he’s from Toronto, that his money ($9 to 12 million) comes from family real estate, that he does movie production bullshit, and that he has nice taste in cars (BMW 6-series). What’s not working for him is that jerk smile. Also that in a lot of ways, he reminds me of that guy in Florida who dresses up as Peter Pan (and Little Lord Fauntleroy or whatever, too.)
Patti asks him, “What am I doing here?” He, too, wants a family. But he can’t let go of the fact that he’s like a kid inside. A kid I want to smack. Patti asks if he has delayed adolescence. He just laughs and brags about how he hasn’t changed in 20 years, and doesn’t want to. He refuses to grow up, basically. Well, I can see the panties dropping already.
Time to recruit some poor, poor women for these two chump nuggets. Patti’s looking for “Menza models,” as she says it. It’s an “S”, Patti. Use it.
First up is a very pretty woman named Livia, who gets outed for lying about her age. She’s a budding movie producer, so she’s totally in.
Next is a weird woman with an Avatar nose. She looks like her name should be Heidi, but it’s not. They mock her hair, which she says is a rockabilly ‘do. For them, it’s a don’t. They ask her to leave. She snort-laughs weirdly.
Then there’s a cross-eyed chick with a face like a cheap Halloween mask. She keeps tossing her hair and pursing her lips. Patti calls her out for it, asking if she has a tic or something. It’s really uncomfortable to watch. (But, to be fair, the girl DOES have a hair-tossing/mouth-pursing tic!) She also sasses Patti a little bit, which you know Patti hates.
Patti calls Rachel in for a spanking. She’s not bringing in the hotties this week. I’ve heard that they cast for this show on Craig’s List, so it’s no surprise. Patti calls the women “piglets”. That’s way harsh, Ty. Chelsea even slams Rachel a little bit. Ouch! Rachel promises there’s a better batch to come.
Next is the bucktoothed Megan Fox wish-she-looked-alike, Jamie. She’s a makeup artist. If that’s true, why is there a visible line down her cheek, as though her mouth and cheek are a part of a ventriloquist’s dummy instead of a human face? Anyway, she’s cute, but she looks like a Hooter’s waitress. But she’s teeny, so she’s in. Strom will love her.
Finally, we have Fran Drescher’s niece, Jennifer. She’s adorable, but she’s only 21. These chumps are 40-something. Anyway, because she’s pretty poised for 21, and she’s cute, and she says “sure” when Chelsea asks for free jewelry (Jennifer’s a jewelry designer), she’s in. I think they intend to match her with Peter Pan.
So, what’s Patti’s great idea to get these “modelizers” to see past a woman’s beauty (read: boobs) and into the depths of her very being? To put them all in matching clothes, of course. No cocktail attire. No, these girls are all wearing purple tank tops and jeans, with their hair back in ponytails, makeup off. I like this idea, but I hope it doesn’t backfire. Like, the cute smart chick who looks miles better with makeup is going to get lost behind the girl who looks amazing even with a turd smeared on her face.
Before the mixer, Chelsea introduces Peter Pan and Strom to each other. They come to a gentleman’s agreement about who’s picking whom. Strom gets the shorties, while Peter Pan picks off the Amazons. The men enter the room to see the sea of conformity. Peter Pan’s disappointed because “instead of being models, they were real.” Um, yeah, that’s what being an adult is. Being real.
I’m trying to decide what Strom’s deal is. He keeps saying these asinine things, and yet, I feel like they’re a cover for something. He’s a smart guy, and because he’s smart and loaded, he gets away with A LOT. However, I think of a lot of his bullshit is meant to disarm people before they can zing him. “ooh, pretty lady who could make fun of my frozen smile. quick, make a joke about her fetching me my slippers and a cocktail!” Pretty lady then thinks he’s a jerk and moves on, and Strom is safe. OR, pretty lady is a dumb shit with a horny panty area and sleeps with the bozo despite himself. Either way, he somehow wins. And yet, still a loser.
Anyhoo. Strom immediately hits on Jamie, the Not Megan Fox bunnyface. She admits to not doing a lot of dating recently, focusing on her career. Strom ain’t a bad conversationalist one-on-one, asking followup questions about that career. Later, though, when he’s got a harem around him, he’s back to being a strom. That really tall woman (not his type!) brags about being a personal trainer, and lets him know that she can tell he works out. He, of course, loves the attention, but I think he’s mostly joking when he says, “Go on, tell me more about me.” Well, dummy keeps throwing compliments at him as though he legitimately asked her to keep talking about him! Embarrassing!
Then we head over to Peter Pan, who’s holding court with a gaggle of ladies. He emphasizes how important “having fun” is to him. Ugh, who doesn’t like to have fun, you asshole? Anyway, some dumbass blonde tells Peter Pan that she likes pranks, and he’s excited. They both hop up and down, and I sneer at the teacher’s pet. Another woman dares to interrupt his monologue about “having fun,” and he holds a finger up in her direction. “Hold on, I’m not done.” Hold on, I’m not done??! What is this shit? I hate him so much.
Luckily, Patti swoops in to ask him to stop being a prick. He mocks her–”so I should wah wah wah, ask them how they are and whatever”, is a good summary of how he feels about the whole thing.
This is when Strom decides to show off to his harem, calling to Patti for some shots of tequila. Patti’s like, “hello no.” He keeps egging her on, talking down to her, practically snapping his fingers to get her to bring them shots. Asshole. He also asks the harem if any of them can cook.
Peter Pan is drawn to this blonde numbnuts named Katie–the teacher’s pet. She keeps bouncing up and down as they talk. Patti calls her Tinkerbell. Fitting. Later, Peter Pan’s talking to Jennifer, the saucy 21-yr-old. They seem to click well enough.
So, who’d the guys pick for their mini dates? Strom picked Jamie (Not Megan Fox) and Jennifer (Saucy 21). Peter Pan picked Katie (Tinkerbell) and he also picked Jennifer (Saucy 21). All of a sudden, there’s a whole new set of rules in the Millionaire’s Club. It’s like reading the back of a box of Yahtzee or something. If they do their minidates and both decide they want to date Jennifer, then Jennifer gets to choose who she goes out with. Jennifer also has the right to decline to date either guy!
Jennifer has a successful enough mini-date with Strom. He, of course, flatters himself while talking to her. Peter Pan meets with Katie, the bouncy teacher’s pet Tinkerbell chick. And they somehow have nothing to talk about. Awwwwkward!
Next up is Jamie with Strom. I totally laugh out loud (and am still laughing as I type this) when they exchange ages (her 26 to his 41). She is quiet for a moment and then says, “Well, that’s not TOO old.” Strom almost looked nervous for a second! HA! She seems totally out of tune with Strom on the mini-date, looking off into the distance with totally closed body language. When he says he wants to go to Moscow, she drones, “Awesome” as disinterestedly as possible. I laugh again!
Jennifer and Peter Pan seem to have a nice mini-date, talking about hair. She tries to touch his and he won’t let her. Until they’re boning, he intimates to us. Cool.
Well, both of them picked Jennifer. Time to get out the Yahtzee box again. The guys try to slime their way out of the rules by changing their minds to choose Jamie and Katie, but it doesn’t work that way.
In the end, Jennifer waffles but chooses Peter Pan. That means Jamie has to suffer the public indignity of agreeing to be Strom’s second choice. She agrees to it, figuring that guys can be weird on first dates and he might be better when they get together again later. Hey, that’s fair.
I should mention that Peter Pan was really problematic during this whole process. He wanted to toss Jennifer out as soon as she hesitated in her choice between him and Strom. He told Patti he wanted to date BOTH girls. Then, after the decisions were announced, Patti catches him in the corner talking to Tinkerbell! What in sam hell is going on? She pulls them apart and scolds them both.
Patti needs to “fix” Strom before his big date. She’s sending him off to Dr. Pat Allen, our beloved ol’ Three Holes Granny. Three Holes Granny pronounces “chauvinist” as though it’s spelled “shaw-vinist.” It’s weird. Not wrong, I guess, but weird. Three Holes Granny wants to help Strom become a better person, a guy who’s out to connect with a woman instead of just putting his dingy inside her.
I love Three Holes Granny. She tells Strom that girlfriends are for fun and sex, which Strom likes to hear. But she continues that possible fiancees are women that you want to sleep with, but you don’t. This is where that finger-biting clip comes in. It’s not as juicy as you were probably expecting.
But then it gets juicier–don’t worry! Strom’s concerned about checking the merchandise before you buy it. Three Holes Granny is all, “hey, you don’t have to fuck!” A date can give you a handjob, or you can go down on her, Strom! Strom’s all about it until Three Holes Granny says, “I call men God who give women oral sex.” Strom says, “Whoa” and I LOL at his face. His reactions are priceless. She ends by suggesting a sauna, concluding that women are for virtue, not vaginas. Strom keeps me giggling by saying, straight-faced, “I think that women can be for virtue AND vaginas.”
Strom and Three Holes Granny have a breakthrough moment when she levels with him: “Face it, you beg for sex even YOU know you shouldn’t get.” He nods thoughtfully. There’s a quiet moment, and he says, “Can I agree with you here?” Basically, he sees her point. He’s not going to want to marry a girl who gave it up too soon, but he’s always going to want to TRY to get it too soon. They talk some more about this, then hug it out, bitch. It’s kinda sweet.
So, what were their dates? Well, I’ll spare you the back and forth that Bravo does, which gives me whiplash. Let’s start with Peter Pan. He invites Jennifer to a “gifting suite” for some crappy event, where she tries on hoochie cocktail dresses and gaudy jewelry for his benefit. They both seem to be having fun. She tells him “You bedazzle me,” which is sweet.
But Peter Pan has a surprise for ol’ Jenny. What is it? Well, the better question is WHO is it. It’s Katie! The Tinkerbell teacher’s pet from the mixer! He Facebooked her and invited her along on the date. All of a sudden, Jennifer is PISSED. And who can blame her? Dumb Katie is oblivious or blinded by the rhinestones, because she’s all smiles. Peter Pan has a malicious grin, like he knows he ate the canary AND the shit.
The threesome heads out to dinner next, but Jennifer can barely stand it. She’s seething into her wine glass on one side of that Joker, while Tinkerbell is giggling on the other side. Tinkerbell admits that she knew Jennifer would be on the date. Ugh, this set-up is so stupid. It’s totally scripted and it makes everyone look incredibly stupid. Especially Peter Pan. Does he think people are going to take him seriously now that they’ve seen him jerk it up on TV?
By the way, Tinkerbell sickens me. She and Strom should hook it up. She’s so easily impressed with crappy jewelry and a little attention–and I’m sure she’d love to wear a Donna Reed apron to serve Strom his hot wings during the big game. What a jerk she is. Way to ruin it for the rest of us, KATIE. She thinks this is romantic, and she thinks she’s being treated well. She also disputes the fact that the afterdinner mints aren’t “candy”, they’re Lifesavers. Sharp as a tack, that one. I love that Jennifer is heckling their date. Finally, I want to punch Peter Pan in his loincloth area. He’s upset that Jennifer isn’t more gracious….about him inviting another woman on their date. This is amazing.
Strom meets his date at the St. Regis. He’s in a suit, and she’s in jeans and a Justin Bobby hat. Hmm. Well, they’re headed off to the spa. That seems like an appropriate first date, right? Yeah. Strom took Three Holes Granny literally when she said “saunas”. He took it as “spas” and arranged for Not Megan Fox to have a red wine spa bath with him. Hey, no thanks! They have no banter as they sit in each other’s dead skin cells and fart bubbles. Strom’s trying not to be a chauvininst pig, and Not Megan Fox is trying not to be creeped out by how the spa date is “too much”. She thinks their date would have been better if he’d focused more on doing something fun together instead of trying so hard to be romantic. Meanwhile, he’s just holding back from asking for an HJ, but she doesn’t know that.
Later, they head up to some suite, where a dining table is set up RIGHTNEXTTO the bed, which has rose petals spread out in the shape of a heart. Stupid. They eat fois gras and they both hate it. Hey, they actually seem to be connecting a little here. They have fun mocking innards together. At the end of the date, Strom tells Not Megan that he enjoyed her company. She says, “Me too! At first I thought you were a total dick!” HA!!!!!!! Strom blinks, but he’s visibly relieved when she says he turned out to be a gentleman. He asks her to stay the night. There’s an awkward moment of silence, then Not Megan says she’s not a whore, she’s classy, and no thanks. Hey, that’s the right answer! Congratulations! I think Strom is happy, too. Sure, he’d love an HJ or some of the three holes, but he’s trying this new Three Holes Granny approach. And I dare say he likes it!
Wrap-ups with Patti: They call Not Megan first, who reports that she had a fine time, but he DID ask her to spend the night in the room with the dinner table abutting the bed. Patti’s livid. I have to defend Strom here, though. Sure, having dinner in a hotel room next to a bed isn’t the best decision, and it does make a girl uncomfortable. And he DID ask her to spend the night, but she didn’t do it, and he walked her politely to the door. So chill out, Patti! In the end, Strom agrees that he’s liking this new thing he’s trying, where women aren’t just sex objects. And hey, that’s progress. Be happy, Patti.
Patti talks to Jennifer next, who requested an in-person meeting to go over what happened. Patti’s HORRIFIED at what Peter Pan did. He joins the meeting, all jerk smiles. As she lights into him for all of his poor choices, he starts to talk over her, “stop…stop…stop.” Oh, what an ass. And that Joker shit-eating grin! Well, it doesn’t take much–he’s booted out of the club. YAY! GoodBYE, ye giant douchenozzle!
The captions tell us that Peter Pan and Tinkerbell are still seeing each other. Good–they deserve each other. Not Megan Fox and Strom are still dating, too, but apparently Strom’s not seeing her as a woman he can commit to. Or something. Whatever, this is all fiction anyway.
Next week! Some nerdy guy gets dance lessons, and some fat schlub makes the sex with the master date. Come back! Read more of my stuff!