Millionaire Matchmaker: Jack Sprat and his Wife

Hola, ‘Gasmii! How was your week? Did you enjoy the big basketball heartbreakers? Watch Desmond connect past, present, and future? Take on a second job? Run your first half-marathon? Count three out of four for me, friends, which means I’m ready to relax and talk about some funky millionaires. This week, we have a chunky southern lawyer and an impossibly young, geeky tech whiz. One of them may have actually made a real connection, though I’m sure it doesn’t last. Want to know more? Follow me!So, I’m starting to really miss Lump in my life. This is the second week without her. Instead, we get Patti’s manager, Jeff. He’s a little lumpy, so I guess he’ll have to do. Anyway, Patti has a manager because she is soooooo busy. Not only does she have an incredibly high success rate for matchmaking (*coughbullshit*), she’s also got the book, the radio show, speaking engagements, and so on.

Apparently, now she’s wanted as a spokesperson for male enhancement products. Say what? Pecker pills? I guess it was only a matter of time. She’s intrigued, maybe flattered. She’s interested in the opportunity, but only if the product is herbal. Ha! Jeff isn’t sure it’s right for her image. I guess we’ll see Patti’s Pecker Pills on the market any day now. (Brace your spam filter!)

Time to meet those millionaires! Patti looks really nice today in a black empire-waist tunic and soft hair. Finally, we put away the purple velour blazers and lace turtlenecks that weren’t doing her any favors.

Anyway, Destin introduces us to Hillel, which sets the group off in a tizzy of trying to pronounce his name correctly. “It sounds like ‘hello’!” Chelsea chirps. In his DVD, we learn that Hillel is an asset protection attorney in Boca Raton, FL. He pronounces Florida funny–”FLOW-da.” It’s all southern granpa style! He also owns a muffin company. Patti comments that he LOOKS like a muffin. And he kinda does. Hillel’s a bigger dude, but he’s cute–he just needs to scrap the WHAM! beard. He says he’s single because he’s too nice. That is, he buys all kinds of stuff for his girlfriends, and they end up taking advantage of him. He wants to find a real connection with someone who’ll love him for more than his lavish gifts. Oh, and he wants a skinny little thing. Cuz they always go for Chunk, don’t they? Right.

And who does Chelsea have for us? She has Dylan, a 24-yr.-old awkward nerdy guy who started his own internet company while in college (using his winnings from playing online poker, because he’s that much of a nerd). The staff keeps commenting on how young he looks, talking him down from 24 to 12 to 10 to…toddler? Just kidding. But yeah, the kid is young. Why is he looking for Patti’s help, anyway? She usually works with people trying to make a lasting connection. This kid just needs to get laid! Oh well, another one of Patti’s “projects”, I guess. She calls him a robot (I didn’t think he was THAT stiff) and wants to loosen him up. If you’ve seen the previews, you know what THAT means.

Patti meets with Hillel first, having been limo-ed to his private jet in the valley. (She sneers about having to go to the valley, but relents because he’s from Florida. Apparently she’s from FL and her mom lives there, too.) Hillel looks pretty douchey at first, making Patti (and her leopard-print coat!) wait as his plane pulls in.

He’s got the suit, the blue dress shirt with the white collar, and the red power tie. His extended intro shows the big house, the fancy cars, the huge expensive watch collection, the bragging about wanting for nothing and living each day to the richest (in every sense).

But once they get to talking in the limo, Hillel wins Patti (and me) over with his genuine good nature. Sure, he’s a rich sonofabitch, but he wants a woman with substance; he wants a family. Patti knows what he’s looking for, and she ribs him a little about “not being 100% in shape”, while patting his generous belly. Poor Hillel. But he takes it in stride, with a sheepish smile. Aww.

Next, we meet Dylan via his extended intro. He really is (to me, to Patti) a little kid playing grown up. We watch him brush his teeth. Did we ever watch a millionaire brush his teeth before? Is this somehow their way of delegitimizing him because he’s so young? Are they going to cut to a scene of him in footy-pajamas with a bowl of Froot Loops caked on his widdle baby face? No?

Instead, they cut to scenes of the Full House house, people driving on that crooked street in San Fran, some ships. Okay, so he’s in northern California, living the silicone (chip) dream. He’s also fond of wearing button-down shirts with contrasting seams that throw me off. (White shirt with black button placket. Black shirt with white button placket. Weird.)

Dylan’s very earnest, and honestly, he’s cute. But he’s so young! Other than promoting his biz, which I will NOT do here, I don’t think he’s really here for the right reasons. But hey, it’s entertaining. Again, if you’ve seen the previews, you know that Patti subjects him to a little nerd torture.

Patti and Dylan meet at one of Patti’s favorite restaurants. She gives him quite the stare when she walks in and takes off her coat, marveling at how young he is. Dylan tells us in a separate interview that he’s a little scared of Patti and her demanding personality. He’s pretty much prepared to “yes ma’am” her a little bit. Meanwhile, Patti’s telling us in her separate interview that Dylan’s the biggest nerd she’s ever met. I think that’s a bit hyperbolic, considering he’s not really that bad–and he’s cute! So, sure, play it up Patti, but no one’s going along with you.

Patti’s still convinced that Dylan is robotic, which I don’t really see. But that conviction tells her that Dylan needs dance lessons, to loosen up. He balks at first–wouldn’t you? Finally, he relents because he’s “terrified of breaking your rules”. HA! Oh, and I must’ve blocked this out the first time I watched, but Patti’s still pimping her floral arrangements. So, Dylan will be sportin’ one of those for his date. Whatever.

We get right to Dylan’s dance lesson–a lesson for which he wore his best moose pajama pants. Ah, I made the pajama joke without even thinking of this scene! Man, he IS a little kid.

Anyway, the dance lesson is exactly what you’d expect: a tattooed hip-hop dancer trying to get this nerdboy to relax and move like a sexy man. They achieve limited success. (And tattooed dance instructor chick’s absent eyebrows are achieving little success on her face.) Patti calls him Revenge of the Nerds, then learns that he’s getting a boner on his instructor when they’re grinding. (I’m so glad I’m not a dude.) Oh, and we learn that Patti used to do all kinds of dance when she was younger, which is kinda cool!

Casting time! They’re looking for sweet, down-to-earth brunettes for Hillel and smart, cool chicks for Dylan. Basically, the same girls would suit either gent, so this shouldn’t be too hard. Who’d we catch in our net this week?

First is Crystal, a server at a restaurant Patti loves, who’s also getting a degree in marketing, but also wants to get a real estate license AND become a wedding planner. Holy shit, girl, calm down! She’s in, except Patti really hates her “tiger tail” hair, which is where the underside is really dark and the upper half is totally blonde. She tells Crystal to dye it dark for the mixer, but Crystal’s like, “I just got this done today!” Patti, thank God, realizes the expense that would be wasted in asking someone to re-color their hair just for a date and lets it go. Crystal’s in.

Next up is a personal trainer who promises to make Hillel sweat (if he picks her!), and Shawn, a tall blonde who was born in France. They think she’ll be perfect for Hillel, too, even though she’s blonde. She’s well-traveled and will be nonchalant about him lavishing world travel upon her.

Then we meet Arielle, a brunette with piercing blue eyes. The gang shouts, “Christina Ricci!” at her when she walks in, and I just don’t see it. After they tell her to burn her dress (why? It’s not ugly!), they bring her in–for EITHER of the dudes. They intend her for Hillel, but they can’t see why she wouldn’t also be a good fit for Dylan.

Then we meet Camilla, a beat-up looking blonde. Patti and Chelsea can’t figure out why she looks so different from her head-shot. This is what you saw in the previews, where they ask, “Can we get this girl, please?,” shaking the headshot in her face.

Camilla walks out, thanking them in her British accent. She won’t allow someone to speak to her this way. Patti smirks, “The Brits can’t take me, man. I’m too honest for them.” Destin defends the ladies, saying it was a legitimate question. Well, they’re all right. It was rude; it was a legitimate question.

Some more brunettes enter the Thunderdome. Remember Farah, from the first episode? She met with Omar, the trash-hauler who chose her for his mini-date but ended up taking another chick to haul junk? She’s back and cute as ever. She reminds me of Elizabeth Shue–anyone else? The gang thinks either millionaire would do well to choose her.

(Ugh, I’m sorry guys, this is a really boring episode. I keep trying to liven it up with some jokes, but then I feel like I’m trying too hard, which I hate. Ugh!!!)

Anyway, it’s mixer-time. Patti introduces Jack Sprat and his wife to the girls, who seem to plaster on smiles once the millionaires make their entrance. Anyway, it’s the usual mixer stuff. Both guys seem to be doing okay with the mingling. Both guys enjoy Farrah, and Hillel seems to like Shawn, the French blonde.

Patti, in her matchmaking wisdom, threw Hillel a test. You know this bitch likes her tests! She brought in Michelle, some bottle blonde with a bad nosejob and weird makeup. She’s the usual party-girl type that Hillel dates while in Boca, but who isn’t good wife material. She and Hillel seem to hit it off, and Patti smirks from the corner knowingly. Michelle really likes the fact that she’s blonde and babe-ish. Evidence? She works at Hooters and she is trying to become a Playmate. (She thinks it’d be an honor.) Ick.

Patti drags Arielle over to meet Hillel, since she thought they’d really be a match. Well, they’re not. They talk about their shared alma mater (Syracuse) for about 20 seconds, and then Hillel heads right back to Farah. Patti sees this and drags Arielle away to meet Dylan. Dylan had been having a pretty boring conversation about skiing with Tiger Tail Crystal, but lights up when Arielle comes up.

Time to select the mini-dates. Dylan chooses Farah and Arielle. Hillel also likes Farah, and he’ll also talk more with French Shawn. BUT, he also wants to talk more with Michelle, the Hooters girl. Patti tells Hillel to go to each of his choices to see if she’d relocate to Boca for him. Farah and Shawn don’t hesitate; Michelle does. Bingo! Michelle is out of the running!

The minidates are boring, so I’ll spare you. The four twosomes make conversation and smile. That’s about it! In the end, Hillel chooses Farah and Dylan chooses Arielle.

In the “We’re back! No, we’re not!” segment, Patti’s giving a dating advice clinic to the girls at the mixer. I wish we knew if this was pre-mixer or post-mixer. I’m going to guess it’s post-mixer, as Patti’s parting gift. Anyway, she tells the girls that, to be successful in dating, you should be happy within. Okay, next? You should make yourself look pretty. Ah, that’s news to me! Maybe that’s why I’m not so successful. I’m happy within, but I’m ugly (with)out. Anyway, that’s about it. We learned a lot, right?

So, onto the dates. I really feel like they were mostly boring and repetitive, so I’ll spare you a whole lot of drudgery of detail.

Dylan took his date to some café/restaurant that’s probably really famous with LA folks but means absolutely nothing to me. I think it’s closed to the public while they have their date. He brings her the 1-800-Flowers bouquet, ugh. Dylan is dressed to impress in…a pair of jeans. At least Arielle looks nice in her black dress. Dylan tells us that he woke up with a pimple today, so he’s not feeling very chic.

Their date kicks off with a rousing discussion of each other’s resume and transcripts. I mean, seriously, I guess that’s what early 20s kids talk about when pretending to be on adult dates, but it feels very forced. Talk turns to sports, where Dylan reveals that he was a wiffleball champion or some shit. Okay, maybe he’s more a nerd than I thought.

If you were holding out hope that Dylan was a Brawny man in slender disguise, if you still question his dorkiness, then this will kill it all for you. Arielle mentions her singing and songwriting (which I cringe at, can’t help it), and Dylan replies by telling her he loves playing Band Hero and would love for her to audition to be his band’s singer. I mean, sure, it’s a joke, but it’s a nerdy joke. I love nerds, but this isn’t working for me. (I think I like the more burly nerds.)

In a completely uncontrived, spontaneous moment, Arielle offers to audition for Dylan now, singing at the piano downstairs with the songbook she just happened to have with her on the date. This part of the date makes my skin crawl. I’m not sure what it is, but I HAAAAAATE earnest singing. Hate it with a passion. I feel embarrassed for Arielle as she hoots out her stupid songs. I hate this.

Then Dylan has some jerkoff in a hat come out to play piano for their date. I shrug. If a guy did that for me on a date, I’d laugh in his face. Then Dylan starts doing his stupid dance moves for Arielle. Oh, and then they do the Lawnmower. What a geek. Arielle’s friendly about all of this, but I don’t see her panties getting wet. I mean, they don’t show her panties at all, but I can’t IMAGINE they’re getting wet. Sheesh, the hole I put myself in. Wait!

Anyway, the dancing is dumb. Then the pianist offers to “help him out” by slowing it down a little. They do an awkward slow-dance, very 8th grade dance style. Dylan, following Patti’s advice, goes in for a kiss. It’s a quick peck and has the heat of an iceberg. I shuddered with embarrassment for them. And that’s apparently the end of the evening for them. Sigh of relief!

Hillel had Farah meet him at his private jet. Instead of bringing flowers, he pimped his other business by bringing her a dozen muffins. And they’re off to San Francisco! On the way, Farah seems to try every single muffin in the package, with big cock-gobbling bites. You know Hillel’s sproingin’ one over her. (And HIS private jet is waaaay nicer than stupid jerkoff Will Ratner’s.) Hillel pours them champagne and warns her that her glass will never be empty.

When they arrive in San Francisco, we see another shot of the Full House house. Farah’s already suitably impressed, and they’re just getting started. They head into town, having a pretty connected conversation to get to know each other. Like, I think they might actually like each other!

Hillel and Farah head off to a six-course dinner. The champagne is flowing, and Hillel offers to have the chef make whatever she wants, even if it’s not on the menu. Okay, that’s a bit much, but I love how that speaks of his generous nature. They keep drinking, and the chemistry really seems genuine, though it’s hard to say when so much alcohol is involved. (I’m sure, though, that alcohol has helped launch many a tentative relationship where one party was like, “hmm, not sure of the attraction, but hey, this tequila is great, and hey, you’re actually kinda cute and whoa, what an awesome kisser, too. I’m SOLD.”) Oh, and Farah really does get pretty drunk.

The evening ends with a rooftop view of the San Francisco skyline and a drunken but romantic peck. On one hand, I wish they’d unleashed the chemistry a little bit. On the other hand, I’m glad they can’t blame that sloppy kiss on all the booze. They oughtta remember the first big smooch, if they get to have one. Hillel, the gentleman, announces that the plane is waiting for them. He’s takin’ the drunk girl home, not sleeping with her, as the previews had suggested. Phew.

Post-date follow-ups with Patti to start…now! Patti calls Arielle, who says she had a good time, despite the “endearing” dance display Dylan performed. She’d go out with him again. Dylan also reports to have had a good time. We’ll see what the end captions have to say about that!

Then Patti calls Farah, who confesses to breaking the “two-drink” rule. Patti’s understanding, though, knowing that Farah’s not a tawdry drunk, just a nice girl who got duped into drinking by a generous date. Hillel arrives with a box of muffins for Patti. As she chews, he reports his side of the date, adding that they went out again last night and had lunch again today. Wow, three dates already!

Captions? Tell us how it REALLY is: Well, Farah and Hillel might actually be doing this! Captions tell us he’s flying her out to Boca soon. And our dear nerd Dylan? Well, Arielle visited him in Palo Alto, but it doesn’t sound like anything really happened.

Next week is the season finale! Holy shit! This time, Destin brings back Zagros or whatever his name is. The Turkish guy who boned on the first date? That guy. And some other commitmentphobic guy who calls someone a “spinner,” and, yes, I’ll be Googling that now. (Just did. Um, ew.) Hey! Come back for the finale! I might make better jokes that time!

P.S. I Facebooked Hillel, and he’s “in a relationship with Ashley Martini”, some brunette who’s clearly not Farah. Interesting. He also looks a little hot in his Facebook photo.