Welcome back, my ever-lovin’ Gasmii fans! Did you miss me? Did you miss Patti? I guess Lindsay Vonn and Apollo Oh-No! trumped millionaires making fools of themselves last week, but I sure relished the night off to sit around in my snowflake jammies, guzzling back a little too much chocolate wine. What, you hadn’t heard? It looks like YooHoo and reportedly contains red wine, but it really just tastes like watered-down Bailey’s. Perfect, though, as a pre-bedtime knockout. Much like this show.
Anyway, we’re back with a new jam this week, only it’s a remix. Remember Jimmy D? That Chi-town douchebag with the big mole under his eye and the penchant for talking in the third person? It’s too perfect, but it really is just like Jimmy on Seinfeld. “Jimmy D. is lookin’ for a classy lady, a girl who can keep up with Jimmy.” Ugh. Well, he’s back. Our new contestant to the Thunderdome this week is Mateo, a former Microsoft exec with a beary belly and a boner for Christians. Let’s go!We open with the wedding planning, as always. Lump is back, and her outfit is much better than last time. (Though some of her candid interview shots reveal that awful thin white shirt she wore last time around. “Lump was limp and lonely and needed a shove/Lump slipped on a kiss and tumbled into love!”) I enjoy being overly observant about the conversation between Lump and Patti. Lump asks what Patti likes, and she says, “I like it funkified.” Lump, to show how well she’s listening, parrots back, “So you like it a little funky? Okay!”
“You fuck up my wedding, and I will CUT you.”
They discuss how Patti’s not really religious but her fiance is, so they’ll need to be mindful of keeping things kosher for the menu planning. Lump uses more active listening skills when she summarizes what she’s hearing from Patti about the wedding stylings. It’s classic Psych 101. Finally, Patti’s had enough and dismisses her with, “okay, what I think would be great is if you leave and start working on this, thanks!” (Well, not quite, but not far off!)
By the way, and this is totally random, but I think the next time some guy gets a look at my bozangas, I’m going to scream, “MEET MY MILLIONAIRES!” Just for fun. It’s in my blood.
At the office, Patti wants to know who’s up this week. Chelsea goes first, telling us that, yes, Jimmy D is back. This sets the office into an uproar of ridiculous Jimmy D impressions. “Yo” is used a lot, though I don’t think he actually says “yo” very much at all. Patti reminds us how Jimmy D was a party boy, a big drinker, who was pretty much a headcase. You can tell she’s not excited to have to work with him again. But Chelsea goes to bat for good ol’ Jimmy, reminding us that he’s a year older, that he lives in Vegas now, and telling us that his energy is a little calmer, seeing as he had his skull smashed in since we last saw him. That chilled him out a bit.
Jimmy D comes in to meet with Patti, complete with a full Grizz and Dot Com entourage. (Except I want to hug Grizz and Dot Com, but I don’t want to hug these two gents. They look scary and like they might punch me. Even though I’m a girl.) (Maybe I’d hug one if he smiled a little. I like hugs.)
And it’s time for the video introduction to Jimmy D, who is listed as a Real Estate Mogul, but tells us he owns a group that does bars and restaurants and shit. First thing I notice is that he had the mole removed from below his eye, much like Enrique Iglesias did a few years ago. It’s a big improvement. I’m trying to decide if I think Jimmy Dean Sausage is cute. I think that if he got a personality transplant and toned down the machismo a bit, I’d be totally diggin’ it. As it is, he’s too big of a tool still, though he has definitely calmed down.
The video reminds us of Jimmy D’s last go-round with Patti, where he insulted his date by calling her insane. (And he was wrong–she wasn’t insane, she was just REALLY stupid.) He boasted that he’s the kind of guy who calls it like he sees it, is very honest, etc. Patti said, “See, the thing is, women want a gentleman, not a trash-talking asshole.” AMEN. Be honest with me, but use a little tact, guy. Anyway, Sandra Dee thinks he was misunderstood the last time and tells us that he’ll be more direct this time. Um, I don’t think it was a lack of direction that sunk your battleship last time, but okay!
Patti’s first order of business is to ask about Grizz and Dot Com: “Who are these lovely gentlemen?” They don’t even smile. (That’s it, no hugs!!) Jimmy Dee explains that since he was nearly killed in a fight, he travels with protection. He offers to show us a photo of where his eyelid was torn off, but we all puke and say “nothx.” Some may have felt Patti was racist in the way she referred to the bodyguards’ race in an interview. I wasn’t offended, but I did think it was overly elaborate of her to call them ‘African American’. Just say, “two big black guys” and be done with it. I mean, just say it if you’re going to say it.
Anyway, good news is that Jimmy D doesn’t refer to himself in the third person anymore, and he’s not even really a drinker anymore either. Those two things alone really prop up his cred as a dateable human. Patti’s not convinced that he’s not still a bimbo seeker, though. I guess we’ll have to see! She asks him what she can do this time that she didn’t do last time. Jimmy D wants a woman with more going on inside, someone who’s more complete. Patti’s a little aggressive in asking Jimmy D if he thinks that HE is complete. Way to put your client on the defensive! Jimmy takes it in stride, and also mostly agrees not to pork on the first date.
Oh! The weiner talk! The weiner move! The hands in a prayer position, moving up and down like a drawbridge when one’s wang is activated in the selection of a mating partner! We see this a lot this week. Yay!
The drawbridge pecker! AKA, “The Geisha”
Next up is Mateo, a 43-yr-old chubster who used to work with Bill Gates, went to Harvard, blah blah blah. He proceeds to rattle off a HUGE laundry list of what he’s looking for in a woman–the first order of business being that she should be a good, Christian woman.
“A cross upon her bedroom wall/from grace she will fall. An image burning in her mind/and between her thighs…ohhh!” (Thank you, Peter Steele.)
He also would like his lady to be gorgeous, petite, and positive. Remember that, because that’s JUST what he picks when his drawbridge goes up!
BTW, I love Patti’s reference to Weird Science when talking about Mateo and his wish list. What a great movie. “It’s a really long story Chet. Gary and I were messing around with the computer Friday night. We decided to make a woman and we did and she went crazy and she messed up the whole house.”
It’s Mateo’s video introduction! He’s sitting on a plain old beach chair in front of a beachfront house, talking away on his stupid Bluetooth and wiggling his fingers over his laptop in a way that suggests typing but is ridiculously NOT typing. I should know–I’m a quick typist who keeps it REAL. Anyway, he and his Fred Flintstone feet are talking about hedge funds and investments. So boring.
He mentions Harvard again, he mentions Bill Gates again. He drives his Beemer up to the valet, he tells us about his horse-racing “passion”. We see him play tennis. Mateo is a burly sort, a shorter, rounder gent. I bet he has sex in a perfunctory way. I just don’t get a hot, dirty, nasty vibe from him at all. And only because his body type reminds me of a former lover of mine who was hung like a thumb, I’m going to project that thought onto Mateo and assume he’s also hung like a salt shaker. Sorry, Mateo.
All this could be yours, ladies.
As he waddles through the sand, Mateo shares more godly words about the godly creature he seeks, this Christian woman. (I just accidentally typed “Christmas woman”. HA!) He wants a godly family, to be raised with spiritual values. Seriously, this guy can’t shut up about the Christian woman (“For her lust, she’ll burn in hell, her soul done medium well/all through mass manual stimulation–salvation”). He doesn’t want a divorced woman, which I would think narrows his field a bit at age 43. I guess divorce isn’t godly enough.
Now, over some water, Patti and Mateo meet to discuss their business partnership. Mateo helps Patti to her chair, and I think she sounds a little snide to him when she thanks him for his manners. “Aren’t YOU polite.” Snap! When she asks Mateo what he’s looking for, he opens up a leather-bound journal with two pages of notes, detailing his perfect automobile. I mean, date. Also, his pen is tiny. (I KNEW IT!)
Next is the uncomfortable segment where Patti asks the guy if he has sex on the first date. WHY would you ask this guy that, Patti, why? I’m guessing she knows it’s a button to push, and she’s a pusher. He grins uncomfortably and doesn’t answer. She keeps pushing the “sex on the third date?” line of questioning, until Mateo submits that he’ll have no problem keeping the monogamy rule in check. Later, he tells us that she was asking inappropriate questions. Patti? Nah. Then Patti reminds him that some Christians “don’t mate until they’re married.” What are they, baboons in captivity? Who fucking “MATES”? Oy vey.
Oh! Drawbridge penis is back! Mateo is a little stunned when it arrives. Anyway, Patti’s trying to tell him that he’ll need to try to NOT pick with his penis, because he can probably pull hotties all day long because he’s loaded. (Hardly!) She’ll try to find for him women who can see past his money (yeah right) to be attracted to who he is inside. And I suspect she’s really on a mission to prove that you can’t just date who makes your schlong hard, who is probably someone who’s after your money.
Now Patti has Jimmy meeting with some decrepit old lady, a doctor of some sort, to try to break him of his habit of dating like a dog. I’m not entirely clear what the purpose of this segment is, honestly. Basically, Jimmy D argues that he’s a man, an animal with animalistic needs. Dr. Old Lady says, sure, but women need civilized gentlemen. And while Jimmy may be hardwired, as an animal, to “get in, get some, and get out,” she says, “…you don’t marry that.”
You’d enjoy talking about genitalia and one night stands with this woman, wouldn’t you?
Now Dr. Old Lady explains to us in a separate interview that Jimmy D is acting like a fox in a chicken coop, and he’s gorged himself on chicken, and now he doesn’t want chicken. Again, I’m not totally clear what she’s saying–Jimmy D has had so much sex that now he doesn’t want to have it? Because THAT seems to be the most direct analogy. But no, I THINK she’s trying to say that he eats one particular chicken and then doesn’t want to eat that chicken again. Well, sure, because you already ate it and it’s physically impossible to eat something twice. Unless you barf it up and re-eat it. Am I taking this too literally? I am? Okay, I’ll try one more time. I THINK that Dr. Old Lady is trying to say that Jimmy D has access to sex all the time, which makes him completely disinterested in getting to know the women beyond the hoo-hoos betwixt their thighs. I believe this is called “getting the milk for free.” (Well, okay, that’s more about sex before marriage and moving in together.) Man, I need to walk away from the clichÃ©s tonight.
“Jimmy D is in the mood for salmon tonight. Does this mean I’m gay?”
Oh, and you’d all think I was a shitty recapper if I didn’t specifically mention how Dr. Old Lady tells Jimmy D, “I don’t care what you do, I don’t care if you have orgasms. I don’t want you to put your penis in her mouth, her anus, or her vagina.” Later on, Jimmy D stands outside, flummoxed by grammaw’s direct bedroom talk. “I know my grandma didn’t tell me not to put my penis in the three holes, I know that.” The three holes! HA!
In short, we spend all this time with this lady to learn that men like sex and want to have it, but that doing so too soon ruins the possibility for relationships. Thanks, every dating advice article I’ve ever read! I think Patti just wanted to air out Dr. Grammaw for shits and giggles. “I know she’ll talk about anuses! Let’s get her on the show!” Seriously, though, they just want Jimmy D to try to keep it in his pants. That’s all. He promises to TRY.
It’s time to recruit sweet girls with substance for Jimmy D and petite, gorgeous, never-married Christian women for Mateo. GOOD LUCK!
First up is Amber, a redhead who’s built like a brick shithouse, in a tight red dress. She’s supposedly 5’6″ but to me, she looks huge. She’s a very muscle-bound professional dancer and looks a little like Popeye in Olive Oyl’s clothes. Patti asks if she’d date a Christian man, and she’s like, “yeah!” (Remember that.)
I think it’s that she lacks hips but has huge shoulders.
Then Patti interviews a woman who’s part Spanish, german, irish, and black, which prompts Patti to comment on how fun Thanksgiving must be. Um, aren’t a lot of us mutts? I’m four different nationalities, too, but no one’s worried about MY Thanksgiving. (None of you care!)
Then we meet Angel, a whore of tragic proportions. Every slutty nuance is in full effect, from the deep tan, the white-blonde hair, the HUGE blue eyeshadow, the overly whitened teeth, to the tight/short black dress, and the hooker heels. Patti can only stare. And ask if Angel’s ever done porn. “No! God no, I turned down Playboy.” Really? Why??! It’s classy! People read the articles! It’s not like it’s Hustler or something. Patti asks if she’s a hooker. Angel’s reaction is a little strange. If someone asked ME if I was a hooker, I’d laugh genuinely and gasp in horror. “Seriously?!” But no, Angel averts her eyes and gives a half-hearted “hell no.” Hmm.
Yes, I am a hooker.
Now, here’s where things get annoying. Patti starts yammering about how she’s throwing Angel in there for Jimmy D “as a test.” She wants to see if he’s learned anything or if he’ll still go for the blonde bimbos with no substance. The thing is, she already KNOWS that he’s going to go for the blonde bimbos with no substance. What is she actually trying to prove? Jimmy D isn’t going to learn any kind of lesson from this, and he’s going to fail, and…well, I guess that’s a way to A) keep me and my snowflake jammies entertained and B) garner repeat business. Still, I’m getting irritated with it–she’s been doing this a lot this season. If Angel’s not a good match, DO YOUR JOB and keep her away from the mixer!
More of the usual footage of Patti being rude and poor girls with bad fashion sense standing awkwardly for judgment. Patti breaks the rules this time and heads out to the holding pen to see if there are some better matches out there. Yep, there’s a shitload of blondes. They’ll be fine. (One of ‘em is a weird little gymnast-looking chick with doll hair who works at Disney. She looks like a total FREAK in the sack!)
I bet SHE’d give Jimmy the three holes.
Time for the mixer already! (I guess Mateo didn’t need any life coaching or anything?) Jimmy D and his entourage meet up with Mateo backstage. Jimmy D thinks Mateo looks like Costanza. Aww, he kinda does. I think Mateo is a little cuter, though. (He does have a great smile.) When Patti and her crew arrive, they coo over Mateo in his black shirt and jeans. I believe Patti calls out his crotch as “junk in the…” (she doesn’t finish the sentence) and Chelsea clucks over how slimming black is on him. Poor guy.
The mixer isn’t terribly exciting. Jimmy D’s talking to the blondes, and Mateo’s talking to just about anyone. One particular woman with old jugs keeps standing to Mateo’s side, whispering in his ear. Patti doesn’t recognize her and draws her aside to figure out who she is. Andrea came with a friend, but -uh oh! – she’s Jewish. Well, that’s a drawbridge downer if I ever heard one.
“From one old Jew to another, your breasts have a weird space between them that really ages you. So does your harsh lipstick.”
Oh, and some girl Whitney from last season, who got the one-on-one date with another millionaire, is back. Turns out she and Jimmy already know each other from the Vegas social circles, which pleases Patti. She thinks Whitney is classy and has the substance that Jimmy D needs. You can tell what agenda she’s pushing, can’t ya?
Anyway, Old Jug Andrea keeps luring in Mateo, though he’s now trying to gage his interest in the athletic dancer Popeye chick, Amber. When he learns that she’s a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, his wiener expands in a big way. The drawbridge is goin’ up! Yep, she’s in!
“Let’s get outta here and talk about the Bible!”
So, who will our boys choose for the two mini-dates? Big surprises here: Jimmy D picks two blondes with big cans, and Mateo chooses the Jewish woman and the Cowboys cheerleader. Patti is disappointed that Jimmy D didn’t even try to break his mold.
And she’s very concerned for Mateo about the religion thing. I mean, that really was his ONE dealbreaker. She even pulls him aside to gently warn him about it. I have to give her credit for not totally busting his balls about it–she’s sensitive to the fact that his balls are all kinds of gooey about Andrea. I’m betting that Mateo thinks that Andrea’s probably culturally Jewish but not really “practicing” and therefore, it wouldn’t really be a huge issue. And Mateo is visibly agitated at the idea of NOT getting to spend more time getting to know Andrea, to learn this for himself, so Patti relents. But as she says, “The penis is doing the picking here, and lemme tell ya, he is NOT going to be happy later.”
Time for these one-on-one dates. Mateo ‘went rogue’ in choosing Andrea, who’s old, tall, curvy, and Jewish. She rasps at him about how she definitely wants kids, how her faith is important to her–oh yes, it really is. Mateo’s God-chubby is making an appearance. By now, both of them know that they are of different faiths, but they talk around the subject, I guess because they hopehopehope it’s not really true. “Do you believe in God?” “I do.” “Okay then!” Seriously, though, it looks like each one is daring the other to spill the beans, and neither one does.
“So, you believe in things?” “I do.” “Great, let’s talk about how we’ll raise our children.” “Please, it’s too soon. Can we do that on the first date instead?”
Jimmy D meets his first bimbo, Jacquelyn. She’s overly bubbly and huggy and says she missed Jimmy D in that short time between the mixer and this here date. Right away, she admits to never having been to the Midwest, and that she doesn’t really like to travel. Jimmy D says he loves to travel, can’t stay in one place. So, now Jacquelyn LOVES travel! Jimmy calls her on it–”you just said you don’t like to travel.” “I didn’t say I don’t LIKE it, I just haven’t had the means.” Jimmy ain’t buyin’ it–he knows she’s being too agreeable just to get with him, and he doesn’t like it.
Does she look familiar to anyone else?
Next up, Mateo and Amber, the Cowboys cheerleader, have their mini-date. Mateo, propped up on the couch in his overstuffed jeans with the overly contrasting seams, asks immediately (or so it seems) about her faith. Amber totally biffs it by giving it the ol’ college answer, the shit that goes on in your head but you don’t say out loud unless you know you’re in like-minded company. That is, she says something about not knowing if there’s a God, and thinking the Bible is a bunch of made up stories meant to scare people. “To control the masses,” she says. (Which is one of the Marxist quotes I always remember–”the opiate of the masses.”) Mateo stares in polite horror, telling us that he believes in Jesus Christ as our savior and while Amber claims to be spiritual, she’s not Christian, so NO THANK YOU.
Now it’s Angel’s turn with Jimmy D. She’s pretty boozy at this point and is all curled up on herself with her glass of wine. She toned down the eye makeup, per Patti’s instructions, but she’s still pretty slutty. She asks Jimmy about sports, which he likes (duh!), and says something about being a Cubs fan. Jimmy’s like, “Why??” Angel says something about her dad being a Cubs fan. Yeah right. Anyway, Jimmy falls for it. Before long, Patti comes to take Angel away, but not before Angel can cling to Jimmy a bit to tell him that he’s “so cute.”
“…And I am so drunk.”
Well, we all know who picks whom. Jimmy D picks his bimbo bait trap, Angel. Mateo, with much deliberation (maybe only for Patti’s benefit), chooses Andrea. He says he’d like to at least take her on a date and figure the rest out as it comes. He thinks she’s special. I think her man-trap voice is pretty special.
It’s time for greasy, tatted Jon Hamm to come do his strip tease! Thank goodness this part of the show is relegated to the “We’re back–no, we’re not!” segment of the week. Basically, Patti goes overboard for Chelsea’s birthday girls’ luncheon, having this grimy dingbat come wiggle his dingy in Chelsea’s face for a spell. It’s kinda gross. Especially because they’re in a pretty nice-looking restaurant at LUNCH. Also, the dude has a tramp stamp. Men aren’t supposed to get those, are they? Ugh. No wonder he’s working the brunch hour.
What is with men shaving all their body hair off? I know, I know, that’s what strippers do, but I need a real man with real hair!!
AND cutesy little buttcheek tats? Who IS this guy??
Jimmy summons Angel to Vegas for their date, and she’s super excited. The Palms’ limo is a putrid lime green. When she arrives at the Palms, it’s pretty clear that she’s drunk, high, or both. She’s also wearing a really ugly pair of boots.
Ugly, ugly boots.
First up for travel-weary Angel is a game of poker with two highly ranked professional players. This is a really dumb set-up. Basically, she’s a drunk hooker who’s going to play with Jimmy D’s money ($50,000, each!), using his advice, to “beat” these two pros. It doesn’t seem like it’s much fun for anyone involved, and it’s not like she’s actually learning. I mean, if I were there, I’d probably be wearing my best reading glasses and taking notes in my Trapper Keeper with my multiple pens and highlighters (and white-out in case I make a mistake!), so maybe this makes for better television. Still, I hate this whole premise.
Anyway, Angel is definitely impaired and isn’t really getting it. She’s just giggling and throwing chips around and giving away Jimmy D’s hand. The pros look like they’re thinking they’re not getting paid enough for this shit. One of them at least looks amused, while the other one just keeps giving her this “what the hell are you DOING?” look.
“What am I doing? I’m being cute! Right? Right??? Are you saying I’m NOT hot enough to get away with acting like this?”
So this ends with drunk Angel winning the $100,000 pot. I sincerely hope those two pros they were playing with weren’t using their real money, because I’m sure they’d be pissed to lose it to this ho. Angel wants to make sure we know she’s both drunk AND vapid, so she tells us how hard it was for her to understand how much money she won because it’s just chips. She keeps doing this growling voice, too, and I just hate her guts.
“I hate her guts, too.”
We head over to California, where Mateo’s waiting at the race track for Andrea to arrive. He has a single rose for his Jewish lass, and when she emerges from her limo, she’s dyed her hair a deep brown and actually looks very nice. Mateo loves the look (she calls it “spicy”) and Old Jugs tells us that she’s impressed with the fact that Mateo sent the limo. I’m sure Bravo sent it, but whatever! You be impressed!
Andrea’s never been horse racing before, so Mateo helps her pick out a few horses. One horse’s name is “Red Hot”, and the bet-taker is all “hey, look at whatcha got!” to Mateo. Then someone comments, “Now we got action!” Andrea Old Jugs is like, “We’ll see about that!” She seems to be interested in having a nice date, but I don’t get the feeling she’s interested in MATEO. In fact, when their horse wins, they have a blast cheering it on, but the kiss they share afterwards totally lacks spark. I know first dates well, but even if you’re nervous and still figuring things out, the chemistry makes itself known–if it’s there. I don’t see it here.
“Yay, we have chemistry with these betting tickets and glasses of champagne, but not with each other!”
Back at the Palms, Jimmy D is waiting at the restaurant for Angel to show up. After their poker game, they’d gone to get changed for dinner. But Angel is now totally AWOL. I find it hard to believe that Jimmy D would wait an hour for someone to show up, but that’s what we see…timestamp 7:15….7:45….8:15. He keeps calling and getting voicemail. He finally heads up to her room. She answers the door with messy hair and a sheepish expression. She won’t let him in and barely opens the door enough to talk. Something’s fishy!
She eventually emerges, and I’m wondering what she’s hiding. My first thought is that someone else is in the room with her. Another dude? Or maybe she just has piles of drugs and tons of booze lying around. Either way, she’s totally shady. She tells Jimmy D that she expected dinner to be much later, so she came upstairs and ordered a steak, but then she threw it up, and her phone is dead, and the charger doesn’t work, and she hasn’t been drinking at all, and no, she isn’t choking back vomit as she speaks right now, and she didn’t know to call down to the front desk because she didn’t realize he was famous at that casino/hotel. Jimmy D’s frustration mounts. He ends this by telling her that he’d planned a nice date for them, and since she is unable to participate the way she should, he’ll take someone else on the date. Goodbye, you whore!
Oh, wait, the best part is that she asked about the money she won playing poker!!! You know, the $50K that JIMMY D paid for her to play, and the $100K pot that she “won”?! Jimmy D holds back an incredulous laugh as he asks, “Do you feel like you are entitled to that money?” She says yes!!! He walks away.
Back to Mateo and Old Jugs, having a post-race dinner. Mateo is a sweetie, telling Andrea that she impressed him from the start, that he thought she was special and that he liked her energy. She smiles and says, “thanks.” No return of the compliment, and no tender musings of her own. Like I said, she wants to have a nice date with a rich man, and she wants to be on TV. The man himself is unimportant to her.
Mateo, the one-trick pony, asks Andrea some more about her faith. Instead of them both being coy about it, like they were on the mini-date at the mixer, Andrea goes for the jugular. She tells him that both sides of her family are Jewish, that she feels very strongly about it, and that she would never convert. I can’t help but wonder if she subconsciously dyed her hair dark to play up the Jewish factor, knowing she’d be making it an issue tonight. Wouldn’t that be neat?
Mateo is silent for a moment, and you can just about hear both his boner and his heart deflate. He perhaps hopefully asks how she’d want to raise their kids (hi, first date conversation! This ain’t it!), and she vehemently asserts that since she is Jewish, they’d be raised Jewish. She’s pretty aggressive about it, actually. And guys, you know this was lurking under the surface the whole time. Old Jugs just wanted to get on the boob tube and get a free meal out of it. Poor Mateo. I can see how he hoped that maybe they’d be able to work out an arrangement or something, but nah.
“Okay, we still have a few more uncomfortably personal topics to discuss on this first date, Mateo. Did you vote for McCain, and how much money is in your bank account? Did I mention my ex was hung like a horse, and I’m on psychotropic medications?”
We head back to the Palms. The next part seems awfully contrived, but hey, this is TV. Jimmy D calls Patti to update her on crazy hooker Angel. Patti’s all “nyah nyah” about being right about Jimmy D picking the wrong girl. When Jimmy D mentions how he has Whitney’s number already, Patti gives him permission to call her.
Whitney arrives for a late dinner (I’m a fuddy-duddy, and a 10PM dinner would make me cranky!), saying she’d ordinarily not enjoy being sloppy seconds and that she’s heard of Jimmy D’s reputation around town. Both of these statements seem to me like they should include a qualifier at the end, like, “…but he seems like a nice guy.” But that qualifier never comes. She just says, with a sigh, “We’ll see what happens.”
What happens is a pretty boring date, where they talk about how Jimmy is a womanizer and how Whitney is a classy lady, and how they never bothered to hook it up before. I doubt they’re going to hook it up now–I sense no chemistry here. I suspect only reason Jimmy is at all interested is because he thinks he can find Whitney’s wild side, thus changing her from the classy lady he’s intrigued by into the boozy whores he usually dates. Jimmy hasn’t changed a bit.
Body language! Survey says: Jimmy D is too comfortable here, or isn’t interested, as he leans back sloppily in his chair. We COULD decide that Whitney is interested, except that she’s probably sitting so carefully because her dress wouldn’t allow her to sit otherwise. They’re not mirroring each other. FAIL.
Time to follow-up on these dates. Patti calls Andrea, who sounds pretty bitchy when she complains that Mateo doesn’t share her belief system. Hi, you knew this from the beginning, why are being a pain in the ass about it now? Mateo is much more gracious about it, appreciating Andrea’s strength in her belief system, but knowing his beliefs are just as strong. Old Jugs sucks for manipulating this poor guy’s heart. I hope he finds someone–he seems like a nice guy.
Next, Patti tries to call Angel. Angel doesn’t answer, which prompts Patti to joke, “She’s probably too drunk to answer the phone.” HA!!! What a waste of space that girl is. Patti calls Whitney next, who says that Jimmy might be cool. The team encourages Whitney to really give Jimmy a chance and she lukewarmly agrees. Finally, Jimmy D comes in to meet with Patti. She beams when Jimmy speaks of his personal growth through this round of dating, in recognizing that Angel sucks but that he also made a bad decision. Again, the team props up Whitney, and everyone hugs it out.
As we head out, the captions tell us that Mateo and Old Jugs are still friends, but they don’t talk about religion. Shrug. Then we learn that Jimmy D and Whitney are “taking it slow”. Which means nothing’s going on there either. Overall, this was an uninspiring episode and I’m glad to put it to rest.
So, what’s going to quicken our blood next week? A bisexual recruit! Apparently, we have a twinky hetero guy and a lesbian millionairess to match up, and they both fall for the same woman at the mixer. Oh, and maybe the twinky hetero guy doesn’t like black women? That’s what the promo wants us to believe! See you next week!