Millionaire Matchmaker: The LIVE Reunion. It’s dreadful.

Hi friends and fellow TV watchers! Did you tune in this past week two weeks ago to see Patti Stanger perch not upon a glass tabletop but upon a pleather chair? Or maybe you tuned in to see Andy Cohen grin with happiness, confusion, or any other emotion that’s possible while asking simpering questions or straining to hear the worst telecommunications quality ever recorded for television in 2010? Or, more than likely, you saw that the next hour would be a basic rehash of the “best” and “worst” moments of Season 3 of Millionaire Matchmaker and you decided to watch LOST, like I did. (After panicking when the DVR says, “I’m going to stop recording LOST now, because Millionaire Matchmaker is on! Is that okay? Smell ya later!”)

Nothing terribly new happened, so there’s not much to necessarily recap. I’ll do my best for ya! I know this is BREAKING NEWS. (Which is why I took a whole week to chill out before writing it!) I’ll just say that, for me, the best part of the whole show was that we got to see the “You’re an ugly, fire-crotch BITCH” clip played over and over. I love Chelsea’s face in that scene.

Also note that there’s absolutely nothing to WATCH during this show. It’s Andy’s dumbass grin and Patti’s grimace. So, I took a little liberties with them, to make this a LOT more exciting. You’llllll seeeeeee.

We get to see Patti’s rigor mortis smile over and over tonight. It’s pretty clear she’s had Botox on her upper face. And the nude lipstick really highlights how her lips flatten out into squares when she smiles. Other than that, she looks lovely in a simple black dress with a costume jewelry bib necklace.

Supposedly, if you’re watching this live, you can contact Bravo a zillion ways: emailing, posting on Facebook, tweeting on Twitter, texting to Bravo, calling Andy Cohen’s personal cell phone number, slipping a note under the studio door, or asking an old Native American in a full headdress to send off a smoke signal. Phew. I’m glad I have such ready access to Bravo whenever I need it. Anyway, Patti’s here to answer your dating questions. Oh good, I have a ton for her.

First question out of Andy’s hand (the cards, not his dick) is supposedly from the zillions of questions they’ve already received before the show aired: “What is the best place to meet men?” Patti says that it’s anywhere, just not yoga classes, spiritual classes (?), or spas. Patti only elaborates on the yoga classes, at Andy’s prodding, explaining that it’s largely a female thing and most men in yoga classes are teaching it and/or sleeping with everyone in class. (Um, not in any of MY yoga class experiences.) And Andy chimes in with, “Or they’re gay!” Or they’re gay, Andy, that’s right. Oh, here’s where Patti uses her own terminology to talk about bi guys: “cuspers”. I guess cuz they’re on the cusp? That’s dumb. I never thought of a cusp as being something flip-floppy–it’s more “you are ABOUT to be” something. In one direction.

The second most popular question is: “When is Patti getting married?” She is mock-defensive, saying she’s not READY to get married, to give her and Andy some time, that they’re house hunting, etc. Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure this filmed in early 2009, and now it’s almost mid-2010. So, seriously, when ARE you getting married? Actually, I really don’t care.

Next question: “Which millionaire did Patti hate the most?” I LOL when Patti answers because she STILL gets his name wrong. Who is it? Rupert! (She still says, “Rubert.” HAHAHAH.) She thought he was too difficult to work with, even moreso than Shauna. Mostly because she expected Shauna to be a pain in the ass.

I gag a little at Andy’s intro to the first montage, which is a collection of Patti’s freak-outs. Andy sounds like such a ninny when he says, in his best semi-retard voice, “I call them Patti Melts!”. It’s like he just pooped in the potty and had to come show you. “I made a poop in the potty! I call them Patti Melts!” Anyway, we get to see all the tirades, including–YAY!–fire crotch bitch!! We also get my second-favorite rant, when Patti gets tongue tied and threatens that Shauna will “stay dry for THE lifetime.” The lifetime!

A viewer wrote in to ask Patti about that Mark guy, the one Shauna ran (literally) screaming from, the same one who told Nicole she chose the “safe bet” when she didn’t choose him. The viewer wanted to know if Patti owed Shauna a bit of an apology for trying to set her up with him. Patti defended him, surprisingly, by saying he was jealous of the other guy AND that he’d had a little too much to drink but that he was a good guy. Um, sorry, the footage from Seducing Cindy negates that. I call “tool”. (Speaking of Seducing Cindy, I saw one of the guys from that show on an episode of Flip That House or whatever it’s called on TLC. He’s the intern for the house flippers or something. Chris Mendoza or something? I was cleaning my apartment with the TV on in the background when I heard his strange speech pattern and said, “I know that guy!” Sure enough! )

We also got to hear a little bit more about that Will guy, the one who brought his assistant on the private jet to Vegas with him and his date. Patti tells us that this girl was actually Will’s girlfriend, that she thought they were filming something about business stuff, not about dating. When both girls realized what was going on, they were pissed. Anyway, then Patti and Andy talk about Will being a charmer and something about Will giving a girl an orgasm and some orgasm logic that I can’t follow. I’ve got enough dating experience to know there IS no such thing as orgasm logic, so who knows what they’re trying to get at.

We heard that Patti had to be physically separated from the fire-crotch bitch, which is mildly interesting. Then someone writes in to ask why Patti’s so crude and yet complains about other people’s manners. Patti basically says she does it so you watch. Would YOU watch the show if she were sweet all the time? Actually? I would. I’d rather see her be calm and rational in making a match between normal people than the freakshow this series has turned into. There. I said it.

We talk to Zagros on Skype for a bit. No big update here, except that he and Susan are still seeing each other. He gushes about her, which is sweet. Is it legit? I don’t know, and I don’t really care.

We come back from commercial to a set of clips detailing how rude Patti can be when she’s recruiting. Yeah, sometimes it’s funny, like when she calls that guy out for having Bozo hair (“It’s Twilight hair!”) or asks the girl if the braces came before the boobs. Sometimes it’s mean, and they do include the clips of Destin summarizing Patti’s verbal diarrhea.

Another viewer writes in to ask if Patti will ever hook up a millionaire who likes plus-sized women. Patti’s all over it, asking Bravo to allow her to do a “chubby chaser episode”. Ick. Don’t call it that. She ends with saying, “We can eat together.” Stop.

Theeeeeennnnn we get some question about Patti shoving her engagement ring down everyone’s throat. Patti blames the media for breaking the story and harping on it, and I shake my head. Honestly, I didn’t think she was shoving anything down our throats AND I doubt the media was swarming over it anyway. Whatever, Patti!

Someone writes in to ask Patti to be honest about assessing herself, if she were to be subjected to a recruitment session. Patti admits that she could lose a lot more weight. Andy takes this as his opportunity to ask her about her face–meaning, what procedures has she done. She admits to laser resurfacing and Botox, though she says the Botox was to treat migraines. RIGHT.

Here’s the part I take personal issue with: Andy asks Patti to expand upon her thoughts about redheads. Patti insists that men don’t like redheads! She thinks that only one type of guy likes redheads, and that’s usually Irish/English men who grew up around redheads. And that it’s genetic, your interest in redheads. Um, what? I have red hair. I’ve been complimented on it a lot. I’ve dated a lot of different men. And I don’t think I’ve ever dated a guy who grew up in Ireland or England. I think Patti’s full of shit. FULL of it. I really wonder where she’s gotten this stupid notion.

Patti redeems herself totally in my eyes as she answers the next question. Someone asked Patti about matchmaking for more average-looking people, since not everyone’s a gorgeous thing. Patti immediately answers, “There’s no such thing as average. Everybody has an asset on their body, and your inner beauty that comes out, and when you combine the two? Wow.” Hey, that’s a really great thing to say! So, accentuate the positive, peeps!

Next up is the penis-talk montage. There’s the drawbridge penis, the geisha penis, the pecker references. It’s all there. Eh. I’m burned out on cock talk for now. And, frankly? I’m burned out on this reunion. Does anyone really care? No? Can I make up stories? I might!

We talk to Jimmy D, who had his huge bodyguard in the background for a bit (until he was noticed, and then he slinks away, as quickly as a 300-lb guy can slink!). The conversation isn’t interesting. Neither is this recap. Sorry. Anyway, he still seems to be very calm and much more normal than he was his first time through this circus. He’s seeing someone. Good for him. Oh, and Patti’s okay with people dating strippers. But not hookers.

Sigh. This sucks.

Andy Cohen breaks out the finger quoties to introduce the next montage, which is all of the douchebaggiest moments of the season. The spinner quote comes up quickly, Rubert asking his date about her favorite strip club, Peter Pan bringing two girls on his date, etc. Patti calls them all douches and Andy C. acts like this is a big deal. It’s not. Let’s move on!

Oh, hi, Hobbit! It’s Picket Fences Hobbit, Justin. He’s a tool, not a douche, and he’s on Skype. They talk to him. He whines and chirps like a little girl, and he and Patti trade barbs about hobbits and trolls. Hobbit defends his penis size, by the way. Yeah, the lady doth protest too much. Andy is cheerfully aghast at this argument, but Hobbit soothes him by saying this is how Jews talk to each other. Call me WASPy, but isn’t Andy COHEN maybe Jewish?

Oh, I must’ve missed this segment the first time around. Someone writes in to ask about her boyfriend wearing a lot of Ed Hardy. Patti calls it a dealbreaker, then backtracks to say she LIKES Ed Hardy but not too much of it all at once. And that leads into her telling us how she made over HER Andy when they first met, taking $5,000 to revamp his wardrobe. And his family still thanks her. I’m so sure.

Someone called in from the bottom of a well on a shitty cell phone to ask about sexting. When is it okay? It’s always okay. Oh, wait, no it’s not. Patti says you can’t sext until you’re monogamous, or else the dude’s going to treat you as a one night stand.

Then there are a bunch of questions that Patti gives vague answers to, and I can’t bother to write any of it out. Seriously, you’re still reading? I’m still writing? Ugh.

Oh, here is a nugget that I liked: when you’re meeting someone for the first time, don’t meet for coffee. As Patti says, “Coffee is cheap.” She also says, “Drinks are an audition, lunch is an interview, and dinner is romance.” See, I normally do drinks, MAYBE dinner. I always feel bad if I do dinner with someone and don’t really want to see him again. Then I offer to pay, he demurs my offer, and then I feel beholden and shitty. But, oh well, I get over it quickly. Drinks are easiest as a way to meet someone and see what they’re like in person. Dinner is a really good date after that, to get a sense of romance. I agree!

By the way, in all this talk of online dating, Patti mentioned having her OWN dating site. I’m a sucker for new online dating sites (don’t ask), so I checked this one out. It was pretty much “same shit, different day.” For this site, I was asked to answer a bunch of questions about what I was like as a child. The result told me in bullshit pop psychology terms that, as an adult, I’m a party animal. Thing is? I’m NOT a party animal. I mean, at a party, I have a good time. But I’m actually an introverted nerd who enjoys working out and watching TV. Not a party animal. Anyway, THEN I started getting emails from men in the UK. Then I emailed the overseer and asked them to have a bomb squad detonate my profile. No thanks, I say. P.S. Andy Cohen keeps pimping Patti’s dating book. I’ll go check it out this weekend for free at my local library Barnes and Noble.

Next montage is all the crappy crap that happened on all those dates. Gummi Bear farting, Shauna running away, Will bringing his girlfriend, Peter Pan bringing two women, Rubert asking Olya to serve the homeless in a ball gown, etc. When it ends, Andy asks Patti if she’s ever surprised that people allow themselves to appear that way on camera. AMEN. Patti nods and is like, “Seriously, these people show their hand like that on TV, and then who’s gonna date ‘em?” A-fucking-men.

Then we talk to Ayinde on Skype. He’s as adorable as ever. It’s too bad they used the caveman Skype phone again, because we can’t hear shit. It’s okay, they talk over him anyway. Andy makes fun of Patti for mispronouncing Ayinde’s name (I think she was saying “Ayende”), and we otherwise talk about how he lives in LA but wants an East Coast girl. Grrreat set-up to him being on the next season, which is going to be in New York. Excellent.

Next question is about timing of engagements and all that nonsense, and again, Patti has good advice. If you’re not on the same page, you HAVE to move on. One wants to get married, the other one is dragging his/her heels? Move on. Let each other go so you can find someone who DOES want to marry you. Good advice. Hard for most people to implement, but ultimately good advice.

God, I can’t take much more of this. Thankfully, there are only 12 minutes left, and half of those will be commercials. Sigh. Sorry, guys. Unless something AMAZING happens, we’re wrapping this up. I’m counting down the minutes.

Eleven minutes left….nah, dumb question. And another one. This one’s about cheating. Don’t date people who’ve admitted to cheating in their past. Cool. Ten minutes left…a question about who has it harder, gay men, straight men, or straight women. Apparently the answer is straight women. AH, now I know. Still at eleven minutes….oh, Patti called it “lowdown”, not “down low”. Love when she shows her age.

Commercials!

Six minutes to go! A montage of why Patti’s a good matchmaker. Some lube for next season, I suppose.

Four minutes to go! Andy asks Patti how many weddings she’s…engineered. She says that she was advised by a rabbi to never count her weddings, because that’s when she’ll lose her gift. So she answers more vaguely, saying however many it is, she’s been invited to all of them. And she’s even gone to them, when they’re more local and fit her schedule. That’s nice. Time check!

Three minutes! Timing for “I love you”. Hasn’t said it after 6 months of dating? That’s a problem.

Three minutes! Don’t propose to your boyfriend!

Three minutes! No such thing as a soul mate!

Three minutes! Andy Cohen would let Patti fix him up!

Two minutes! Meet rich men at steakhouses! The Palm! Andy and Patti both love the Palm! And Patti asks for a “high top” for that. (She means a high-five. God bless her.)

Two minutes! Casting is open for the NYC season. (I checked it out, and it’s only casting for millionaires. Hey, if anyone’s reading this and is rich and single and tall, why don’t you check out your local sexy panda for a little lovin’ before you submit to Patti’s insults? Just sayin’…)

ONE MINUTE! Watch Season 4, buy Patti’s book, and watch other Bravo shows.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.