Mini-Cap: Fashion Star

Recaps

By BedBug | Wednesday, March 14, 2012 | 2:00 pm | 7 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Fashion Star, Recaps

Hi, ‘Gasmi!! Bedbug here, checking in with the briefest, daintiest of recaps that will just graze the surface of the debut episode of the overproduced and overly dramatic craptacular known as Fashion Star. This minicap is wafer-thin, but I hope it whets your appetite for the extravaganza  of bullshit, histrionics, drama, condescending criticism, defensiveness and fugly clothes that Fash Star promises to be.

I’m gonna say it right up front: this show has a lot of potential for hilarity. For one thing, one of the Mentors is Jessica Simpson, the intellectual who spent a lot of time pondering whether Chicken of the Sea is marine poultry or terrestrial fish. It also features Nicole Richie, John Varvatos, a trio of buyers from Saks, Macy’s and H and M — who can decide, if the spirit moves them, to purchase the clothing then and there– and over-rated model and gasbag Elle MacPherson as Host.

The show starts with a tribute to her underwear line, believe it or not, and it features big, shiny motorcycles, clouds of smoke, glittery crap flying through the air and masked models prancing around in their panties.  It’s a bad sign when the models are so reluctant to be identified with your crappy product that they hide their identities, but EM is unfazed and goes on to say, essentially, that she’s reached the pinnacle of human achievement with her multimillion-dollar underwear empire. As for the 14 trembling designers backstage,  the whole meaning of their lives is based on whether or not they can duplicate her feat.  I mean, forget the accomplishments of science, art and medicine, forget the difficulty of sequencing the human genome, forget the miracle of childbirth and the satisfaction of parenting. Elle MacPherson has designed thongs that cuddle up against premium poontang and bras that cradle some expensive silicon funbags, so all you Nobel and Pulitzer prize winners can just suck it.

It gets even more absurd from there, as we are exposed to  Oscar, a capering, trilling, be-hatted dwarf who manhandles his dog into flamenco dancing on countertops to the tune of “La Cucaracha,” as well as Orly Shani, a bartender and pauper who designs clothes for  broke-asses — I like this girl, and I’m also her target market — a real dick and ex-model called Nicholas who pisses off the female judges (and buyers), and a studious-looking, embittered, grind named Nikki Poulos who makes comfortable, colorful clothes that she calls Rehab Wear. Or was that Resort Wear? Personally, I thought the diaphanous white gown she made was perfect for trailing down the hallways of New Horizons at 2 in the ayem to bug the night nurse for more meds. But that’s just me. Sorry, I’m a fashion idiot — as well as a fashion victim — who probably has no business covering a fashion show. But in an effort to learn, I’ve googled terms like “horehound” and “chiffon” — that has to count for something!
So join me for a more detailed recap later!

About

Bedbug has squandered two decades of her life as a keyboard player in various bands, playing piano and keyboards in dives up and down the East Coast from Canada to Florida.  Her years as a musician have left her with substandard hearing in one ear, an upside-down sleep schedule, and a belief in caffeine, cigarettes and Cheetos as food groups. Reading great fiction, writing not-so-great fiction, and snickering at reality TV with her dog and ferret help her cope with the fact that she lives in New Jersey.

Until she hits big on the penny slots--then she's outa there!

7 Comments

  1. 1
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted March 14, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Well I’m in. This show sounds like one of those 70′s didaster movies starring Charleton Heston as the handsome intrepid… no, it sounds like a bunch of fools who will do anything for exposure and money.

    You recap, I’ll read.

  2. 2
    tvfan
    Posted March 14, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    test

  3. 3
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted March 14, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    What the hell was this mess, anyway? All those explosives and laser beams and dancing bimbos for a bunch of boring-ass clothes and hack designers? I saw pics of the versions for actual sale and they don’t look much like the originals. I thought Saks was on the verge of going belly up. Many of the stores in So Cal were shuttered years ago.

    They were pretty much flashed before our eyes, but none of the contestants are very likable so far. As for Little Oscar, take some Five G’s from Mama Latrice! (Drag Race viewers will know what I mean.) I know you’ve been through a lot, but those tears are gonna get as stale as your designs if you don’t get the boot soon.

  4. 4
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted March 14, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    OMG, this was such a shitshow. I really wanted to like it, based on the ads and everything, but it sucked so bad. The only interesting part was that misogynistic Australian guy, but there were too many designers with not enough focus, too many aspects to the show that don’t seem to fit well in the format, and I really didn’t understand what criteria the buyers were using to judge this stuff.

  5. 5
    BedBug
    Posted March 14, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    LOL to Charleton Heston disaster flick….and I was sorry to see Dick-holas sent packing so soon, ‘coz at least he didn’t bore me senseless. Oscar is gonna wear real thin…
    All of you make excellent points. We’ll tackle this mess together!!
    BedBug

  6. 6
    Sarahthered
    Posted March 15, 2012 at 5:20 am

    Oh my god… I’m a fan of Project Runway (this All-Stars season has been testing my patience, but I still watch), and I was hoping this might be a fun show. Lifetime didn’t create a good fashion based challenge show w/24 Hour Catwalk (at least I didn’t like it- the way the people changed every episode meant I didn’t feel invested in any one contestant; you’d meet them for an hour then never again). But, HOLY SHIT. I couldn’t watch this mess for more than 15 minutes. It was so painful- it looked like they were told, “Hey, The Voice is on hiatus, want to use the set?”), and they tried to give the 3 model runway presentation the same energy as a rock concert. I’ve been to plenty of fashion shows, and they are generally quiet (except for ear-splitting music) and applause held to the end). The clothing showed was 3 versions of one thing. People were gasping as the zipper skirts came out? REALLY? They reminded me of something you’d see on an infomercial, like “Cami Secret!). Saks is actually doing very well, but it’s got to be despite this show, not in any way connected with it!
    Having 6 judges was another fail- the black hole that is Nicole Richie, the guy in the middle (He is a legitimate designer, but can’t remember his name), and the pregnant for the last 3 years Jessica Simpson, owner of a “fashion empire”. OK, anyone who’s dealt with so-called celebrity “designed” collections knows that the name on the label is almost NEVER involved with anything beyond collecting a paycheck. They license their names to a manufacturer, who designs and produces the collections, the label namesake gets a royalty fee, the manufacturer make $$$ on production & sales, and everyone is happy. Same deal with Elle Macpherson, but I’ll get her credit- she’s an incredibly smart business woman, and is involved more closely than most licensing “stars” (the company I work for met w/her to discuss some ventures, so I heard some feedback about what she’s like). H/e, their commentary didn’t mean anything- the buyers were the real judges. I don’t believe for 2 seconds they’d look at any of the things shown unless they had a contract w/the shows.
    I just. Can’t. watch. No. No, no, no. The best description I read of this show was “a bizarre hybrid of Project Runway, The Voice, and The Price is Right”. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
    Another great quote from some place I can’t remember- “You can’t compare this show to a train wreck, because people actually want to watch a train wreck”.

  7. 7
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted March 15, 2012 at 5:45 am

    It is always a pleasure to have an insider give a show a reality check. Thank you, StR.

    I won’t watch the program, but I appreciate BedBug’s sacrifice to recap it so we can have fun with reading and commenting. So I’ll stay until it is cancelled and BB agrees to entertain us (sounds like the show won’t).

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