Hello, Gasmii!! Did everyone have a good long weekend? I did, especially when I thought I was on a mini-hiatus from this show! Bad news: they only postponed the show for one day, assuming their core audience was still roasting weenies over the campfire on Sunday night and would be sooooooooo bummed if they could not watch this stellar programming live. Good news: it’s the season finale, so it will probably suck less be better than all previous episodes!!!! Or not … It’s been a pleasure sharing these tawdry half-hours with you … now on to our final mini-cap.
Wouldn’t we rather be watching The View right now?
At Boom Kack Studio, K-cup walks in to Diddy Bitch’s office to tell DB that the piece they’re currently working on for The Trevor Project is dear to her heart, as her cousin committed suicide a year ago. I’m not going to make fun of The Trevor Project, as the organization’s mission is to end suicide among LGBTQ youth by providing life-saving and life-affirming resources, but I AM going to make fun of DB and Kryington, ‘cause hey, it’s my job!
I love my job!
DB tells us that TTP is trying to “eliminate sucide as a choice amongst gay youth”. Well, that’s one way to put it … I think anyone who commits suicide does not really feel suicide is a choice … because “choice” implies there’s another alternative, Laurieann, and people who take their own lives have run out of options. But I’ll get off my soapbox now. Judging from all of her inspirational vocabulary this season, Laurieann was probably not taking a philosophical stand but rather making another one of her grammatical “choices” with which I disagree. Diddy Bitch asks K-cup if she and her recently deceased cousin were close, and Kryington says, “She was my only cousin … girl cousin … that was my age.” It’s starting to sound like you weren’t that close, hon. “Yes” would have been a better answer.
I’m close to all my cousins … all my family … I like people and I feel sad when they die.
Gross … Paul’s at The Castle with Sarah, discussing their “relationship”. He’s happy to keep the friends with benefits level of intimacy; she obviously wants to get married and have babies tomorrow. Good thing that was a short scene, because Paul was not going to survive any more pleading and puppy dog eyes.
Let’s continue this conversation in the bedroom.
Back at rehearsal for the performance piece, K-cup is failing again at soulful dancing. However, this time it’s actually important that she “tell the story” while dancing since it’s her cousin’s story. She’s got a lot of work to do. At The Castle that evening, The Gloommates try to be supportive of K-cup’s pain but cannot muster any more sympathy than I can.
We feel your pain, Kryington.
Now on to the best part of the ep: Diddy Bitch and Richy are having coffee and a convo about him coming out: Richy hasn’t told his family he’s gay and THEY THINK HE’S LAURIEANN’S BOYFRIEND. Bwahahahahaha!!! Come on out of Laurieann’s cavernous closet, Richy Bitch. You’re family will be so relieved that you’re NOT boning Laurieann, they won’t care that you prefer people with real penises rather than metaphorical ones. Also, as a family member, there are only so many years you can tell yourself, “Oh, he was born with that lisp.” “His mannerisms are not THAT effeminate.” I’m sure your family smelled the glitter-filled coffee awhile ago, Richy. He deflects by challenging Diddy Bitch to admit to the world she’s dating Joe Flip Wilson, and she hems and haws, saying that her artists won’t take her seriously professionally if she’s dating her business partner. Or maybe your artists will see you two together and wonder why you’re living a lie … Joe would obviously rather be with Richy. Stop keeping them apart, Diddy Bitch.
Boom! I got your boyfriend! I got your man!
Our next rehearsal goes much better. K-cup’s putting feeling into her movement, we get to see some talent on the dance floor (except K-Sped and his wifebeater talent, of course: he’s easily replaceable by any other semi-pro male dancer). Laurieann’s in her lifestyle wheelhouse: shuffling around drunkenly in oversized hobo clothes, sipping her “coffee”, making Purple Rain Prince faces and shouting phrases at K-cup: “You felt it!”, “Are you trying to give me goosebumbles?” Even Paul had to laugh at that one.
This is what it looks like when doves cry.
While K-cup and Sarah warm up backstage, Kryington tells Sarah that her aunt will be there and she’s worried about respectfully representing her deceased cousin, Amanda, while Sarah nods and loads up on the tranny makeup which is not necessarily the best choice for a piece about suicide. If Mia Michaels were here, things would be very different. And there’d probably be Emmys involved ….
Presenting the Baddest Bitch in the Room v 2.0. Now in Caucasian!
Laurieann and Joe walk the red carpet (guess who showed up? Missy Modell! I thought her career already took off by now … what an incestuous little world Laurieann lives in) together, and it would be a really cute moment except for all the questions Diddy Bitch keeps asking Joe during their special moment together. You know, the same questions ANYONE who’s been dating her boyfriend for four years would ask him out in public: “Do you want to hold hands?” and she also asks the one I ask my husband all the time, “Are you gagging right now?” Actually, he asks me that practically every night, but he has high self-esteem.
Laurieann gives an inspirational speech to the potential donors to The Trevor Project, introducing the piece she choreographed. It would have been a great intro, minus all the grammatical errors. Diddy Bitch has really destroyed my faith in Torontonian English teachers. My favorite book is A Prayer for Owen Meany, and the main character is an English teacher in Toronto: he would be appalled with all the misused plural possessives. Sit down and sip, Laurieann. No more talkie-talkie for you.
Mmmm … “coffee”
I watch the The Trevor Project performance and I get goosebumbles myself. In my defense, they splice in real-time footage with slo-mo footage of the performance set again the backdrop of Pink’s “Perfect”, so …. Okay, I admit it … I just fall for that shit, and audience members like me are how Seacrest makes his money.
Thanks to you, ApplePie, and thousands of others like you, I get to drive this sweet-ass car and bone boys girls in their early ’20′s.
Laurieann gives K-cup a post-performance pep talk, which is as boring as every pep talk she ever gave, except that one time in London when she got kicked out and couldn’t hand out empty positivisms. That was better.
Laurieann is hopeful for the future of Team Boom Kack. Here’s hoping there’s a Season Two! We could find out if Paul is going to be a good baby daddy to Sarah. Or see Richy come out! Or see if Kherington or Paula can land a man!!! Or not ….