Mini-Gasm: Friday Night Lights

Well… hello, Daddy!

On this week’s episode, we explore Daddy issues of the biological and surrogate varieties, as opposed to the older man/younger boy sexual variety.  Although I wouldn’t mind calling Coach Father Figure “Daddy” in the throes of passion, or being called “Daddy” while getting pounded by Hayseed Hottie.  But enough about my gay fantasies.  Let’s see what happens this week.

The Red Storm have won their 2^nd game of the season, but Blind Side Lite’s celebration proves to be short-lived when Not Sandra Bullock tells him afterwards that his father, aka Deadbeat Dad, has been paroled and will be coming home tomorrow.  Then, she throws gasoline on the fire by allowing dad to crash on their couch.  Not Sandra Bullock just wants them all to play house as if they were the Cosby’s, but Blind Side Lite can’t let go of his father’s 5-year, incarcerated absence and the fact that he got Not Sandra Bullock addicted to the crack rock.

Despite QB Princess’ efforts to reason with him, he refuses to let bygones be bygones, lashing out at his dad about abandonment and shirking his leadership duties with the Red Storm.

Meanwhile, Coach Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark are dealing with the fallout when a video from last week’s beer bong bash hits the interwebs.  Irate parents want the football players expelled, but Coach Father Figure brings the hammer down on the team, going so far as to kick 2 players off the team for not living up to “Our Standards.”  He never elaborates on what that means, but we can infer that getting caught drinking and taking advantage of passed out girls is no longer acceptable.  Going forward, they’ll wear shirts and ties on game day and start doing community outreach to make up for the embarrassment caused by the video.

With the girls, Tami-Joe Clark calls an assembly and brings in a boring alcohol awareness educator to set the girls straight.  It doesn’t appear to work, given the laughing and snickering going on.  Tami-Joe Clark blows up at the girls, yelling about how serious the situation is and how they need to respect themselves.  Vagina George doesn’t get the message, failing to see anything wrong with getting roofy’ed  at a party and passed around like a blow-up doll since no one would have known about the party if the video hadn’t surfaced.  Later on, after Tami-Joe Clark catches her having sex in a dirty supply closet with a random boy, it appears as though she finally cracks that nut via an after-school-special-esque lecture.

In a brilliant scene, Coach calls Blind Side Lite into his office just before their next game for a talk about character and striving to be a better person after blowing off a mandated community outreach assignment.  Blind Side Lite explodes, letting out his anger and disappointment in his father.  How can he be a better man when he doesn’t know how—when no one TAUGHT him how.  Coach Father Figure lives up to his nickname by expressing pride in his QB, reminding him that character is in the effort, not the success.

With Coach Father Figure’s support, Blind Side Lite goes out onto the field to lead the Red Storm to another come-from-behind victory.  And that night, he finally lets his guard down enough to connect with Deadbeat Dad in a meaningful way, starting the healing process between them.

In other news, Booster Dick struggles with what to do about his rebelling teenage son that his ex-wife and her hippy husband can no longer handle.  After a heart-to-heart with Coach Father Figure about fatherly responsibility, he decides to have his son move back to TX for some straightening out.  QB Princess becomes the new equipment manager for the Red Storm and gains unprecedented access to the boy’s locker room (LUCKY!!!).  And Princess Angst gets introduced to the Walk of Shame ™ when a bad grade and some inappropriate drinking send her into the arms of a lonely and horny TA Tweed Jacket, whose wife is away on sabbatical.