Mini-Gasm: Friday Night Lights

It’s a buffet of penis!

Only in TV Land can an inner city public school with a budget crisis and a fledgling, very expensive football team be able to afford to attend an away game requiring 2 nights in a Crowne Plaza and meals for roughly 50 players, coaches and staff.  At least they travel in those groddy yellow school buses, giving it just the tiniest sense of semi-realism.

With the bye week behind them, focus shifts from Texas Luaus to the next opponent on the Red Storm’s schedule.  It’s the team that they happened to go up against in the infamous inaugural game the previous season, where the Red Storm got their asses handed to them so bad that Coach Father Figure forfeited the game at halftime.  They are a much better team this time around, but Coach warns them against playing with revenge.

The “meeting” with TMU at the end of last week’s episode put a bug in Blind Side Lite’s ear, prompting him to improvise a little too much in practice, sending Coach Father Figure into a tizzy that things need to be done HIS WAY.  And the TMU coach is at practice again, only he’s commenting on Blind Side Lite, not Hayseed Hottie.  Privately, Coach Father Figure takes Blind Side Lite under his wing.  TMU’s actions were illegal, so they need to be more careful.  They decide to keep those details from Hayseed Hottie.

Eastside throws a send-off rally for the team where they climb on the decorated bus and head off on the 250 mile journey to Kingdom, TX.  And we, as viewers, are treated to all the goofing off that goes on when teams go on the road.  Sing (Rap) A-longs and practical jokes abound, both on the bus and at the swanky hotel they’re fortunate enough to stay in.

Lil Dick has made the team, and his new teammates engage in a healthy dose of hazing.  He’ll be playing line and special teams, which is now being coached by Small Town Loser.  Sunshine 2.0 takes an immediate liking to him, further fueling my belief that he’s really gay.  Because road trips like this force extended periods of interaction, we get a brilliant scene where Blind Side Lite, Hayseed Hottie, Tinker and Sunshine 2.0 convene on the patio under a star studded Texas night sky for some intense male bonding while Coach Father Figure eavesdrops from his own patio.

After a light practice and a dip in the hotel pool, it’s game time. The first half is ugly, complete with a crushing hit on Luke and fumbled kickoff return by Lil Dick.  When a player lays him out, Sunshine 2.0 comes to Lil Dick’s defense. The Red Storm are clearly in trouble, and after Coach Father Figure yells at them to “Get Their Heads in the Game,” they come out for the 2^nd half a reinvigorated team.  They block out all the trash talk from the other players and the taunting from the crowd to go on a 4 TD tear to win the game.

The party busts out in the hotel afterwards, much to the chagrin of the very gay hotel concierge.  The coaches and boosters drink beer and play poker.  Our Fantastic Foursome, along with Lil Dick, sneaks out of the hotel to go to a hippie party in the woods.  There, they have a lot bit too much moonshine and profess their not-gay love for each other, as drunk people often do.  Blind Side Lite tells Hayseed Hottie about TMU’s interest in him and they drink to playing together forever.  While Lil Dick is off making out with either a very ugly girl or a cross dresser, the next logical step is to brand themselves with a coat hanger heated over the campfire.

Everyone is hung over the next morning as they board the buses to head back home.  But before they head out, Lil Dick changes the hotel sign to read: “Hey, Kingdom.  How about that Second Coming.”  Bonding is complete, and when Sunshine 2.0 asks Coach Father Figure, “Are we there yet?”  Coach prophetically (or prematurely) responds, “Nope, but we’re getting there.”

In other news, QB Princess hopes for some alone time with Blind Side Lite, only to get ditched for the guys.  Tami-Joe Clark tries to have girl’s night with Lazy Bitch Teacher, but can’t get over missing her older daughter enough to have a good time.  Deadbeat Dad, flush with cash from god knows what, travels to the game and finally meets Coach Father Figure where they agree to channel all the college offers through his office.  Princess Angst continues to carry on her affair with TA Tweed Jacket until Mrs. Tweed Jacket ambushes her in the library, slaps her across the face and makes a huge, glorious scene publicly announcing their illicit sex-capades.  Princess Angst flees home “to do laundry,” much to the delight of a clueless Tami-Joe Clark.