Mini-Gasm: Friday Night Lights

Yeah, we only won two games last season, but if you join the football team, I’ll let you play with my pig!  Do you wanna play with my pig, questionably gay hippie kid?

Welcome to the 5^th and FINAL season of Friday Night Lights!!!  Like the episode’s title, there are many EXPECTATIONS set up for this season’s story arcs.  Let’s start with the obvious:  FOOTBALL!  Coach Father Figure is struggling to manage the pressure on him to field a championship caliber football team despite winning only 2 games the previous season.  The glorious pounding of the Evil Empire in Blue has created an impression that maybe these East Dillion Lions, aka the Red Storm, are for real.  But they need help if this team is gonna go from swimming in the toilet to popping the champagne.  The answer, apparently, is new kid in town Hastings Ruckle, aka Sunshine 2.0 (pictured above with Hayseed Hottie).  Coach Father Figure and Booster Dick go to the concrete jungle, where the ghetto thugs have already embraced this tree-hugging hippie kid.  Instead of Tai Chi, though, he plays basketball, and unlike the now cliché movie title, White Boy CAN Jump!  Except he wants no part of the game of football.  GASP!  I’m surprised he wasn’t drawn and quartered on the spot!  I guess Texas is getting more tolerant?  Maybe he turns out to be gay and hooks up with Closet Gay Coach.  That’d be kinda hot.  But I digress…

Coach Father Figure turns to Hayseed Hottie and Blide Side 2.0 to recruit him on a peer to peer level.  While his parents are away at some tent revival, Hayseed Hottie throws a party at the family farm.  When the keg stands and pig wrestling don’t appear to be working, Blind Side Lite sends in his secret weapon.  QB Princess, instead of flirting like she’s supposed to, attacks his manhood, calling him a coward.  And with that, Sunshine 2.0 is on the team.

Meanwhile, Tami-Joe Clark arrives at East(side) Dillon High apparently ignorant of the budget problems faced by the public schools without a championship football team and rich ass boosters.  Her optimism is immediately mocked by the weary staff and the less than Joe Clark-esque principal discourages her from reaching out to the school’s most at-risk youth, which is probably 75% of the student body. In the process, we learn about this season’s charity case, some girl named Epic.  Based on her 46 page long file of police reports and disciplinary actions, we’re led to believe that this chick is a major bad ass.  Tami-Joe Clark is either gonna save her or get fired again.

And finally, we say good-bye to two major characters as Princess Angst and Ginger White Bread are preparing to leave for college.  For Princess Angst, she humors her parents by enduring Taylor Family Fun Night, and Ginger White Bread sweetly and awkwardly says goodbye to GRAMMA!  Later on, they meet up for Crucifictorious’ farewell show in front of what’s supposed to be their biggest crowd yet.  Hilariously, that amounts to 12 people.  Seriously, I counted.  They pay homage to the Alamo Freeze and reminisce about Wounded Puppy Dog a little before hitting up the strip club.  Seriously, WTF!  But this is Texas, and federally mandated drinking ages apparently don’t apply.

The requisite football game sequence comes as the Red Storm play their first game of the season.  Naturally, they are heavy underdogs and trail for most of the game.  But throughout the game, the Lions show flashes of brilliance that allow them to keep the score close into the 4^th quarter.  Then, on a final drive that would only ever happen in Hollywood, the Red Storm win on a last minute touchdown and 2 point conversion.  AND. THE. CROWD. GOES. WILD!!!!!!!!

In other news, QB Princess is having a difficult time dealing with her rebelling brother, and Small Town Loser gets a job coaching under Coach Father Figure so as not to make Texas Forever’s stint in the state penitentiary be in vein.  Prison has clearly changed Texas Forever, who is now bitter and broken (and based on the absence of any visual bruising, taking on the role of prison rapist rather than bitch bottom).  Toddlers and Tiaras Girl is stuck living with her dad’s new white trash family while her mom is working on a casino cruise ship until, feeling unwanted and unloved, she runs away to go live with Small Town Loser and Stripper Wife.

And there you have it, Gasmii!  Join me for the full recap later on.