MiniCap 2-Fer: 16 and Pregnant

Ay! Oh! Super Bummer Doubleheader! POS Babydaddy Sandwich! WTF, MTV? Whatever you wanted to prove, you’ve proven it. I swear I won’t get pregnant in 1989! Why must you cast people who depress the funny out of me? How does that help anyone? This show seemed much better when I was just reading the TVGasm recaps and not actually sitting through the stupid, painful hour. That’s right, I gotta bite the bullet and admit the truth. I went into this show with about as much preparation as these girls went into motherhood with. I saw someone else do it from a distance and it looked easy and fun. I guess we know how that ends. 

ANYway, Sarah has the babydaddy who gets the #1 POS of the Season award from me at this point. Ginger Helmet Blake didn’t have one single redeeming quality. Seriously, the award I just gave him is all he’s ever gonna earn, ’cause dude can’t even finish high school. I feel doubly bad for these girls because these losers who knock them up have to be terrible in the sack. So, like their lives are forever altered and we don’t even know if they got a ‘gasm out of the deal. That just sucks.

Sarah’s mom is a bit on the, uh, “enmeshed” side. She cares about her child, but she’s basically useless in every way. And I find that thing with her doing Sarah’s makeup in the morning to be weird, especially since she doesn’t appear to ever wash the applicator sponge – Sarah’s nasty acne and other facial lesions were not all from pregnancy hormones. On the plus side, Sarah doesn’t waste her money on fake nails or a smartphone; on the minus side, I’m not sure where that family’s next meal is coming from. And if Blake makes $1,000 a week on the shrimpin’ boat with Bubba Gump, he’s gonna spend it all on the bridge I’m gonna sell him…

Sabrina, on the other hand, oh wait, she’s on the same friggin’ hand. She’s got a useless Mom who cries a lot and a useless babydaddy named after David Bowie’s model lady wife, who thinks it’s a good idea to act like he’s not coming halfway across the country to see her just-whelped self, and then just show up on her grandparents’ doorstep and crash there. Who does that? And her sister earns no respect when she just ditches Sabrina as soon as her BD shows up. I mean seriously. It’s not like he’s going to be staying. Would you hire him? To empty your garbage even? He’d probably have a whole long story about why he had to do it tomorrow, and then he wouldn’t be feeling well. No one needs that.

Sabrina’s baby also has a scare shortly after birth and has to spend four days in the NICU. And neither Sabrina nor her mom is a pretty crier, to see or hear. 

Anyway, both of these shows gave me a ton of gratitude for my life, family, and virile eloquent babydaddy. But I’ll try not to tangent on this in the recap, because that will make them take longer, and I’m definitely taking the bandaid-ripper approach with these fools.

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