MiniCap: American Idol

Well, America, you did it. You finally broke the streak. The end of last night’s American Idol, was quite a different affair compared to last Thursday’s episode, which was filled with dropped jaws and an ocean of tears. Last night there were smiles and shrugs and high fives. “Oh well,” Jennifer Lopez’s red, red smile seemed to say. “Another heart broken. Another dream shattered. But for someone I found far less deserving…. Just another day in the life of the most beautiful woman in all the land.”

But before we got to the elimination, there were the performances. Good god those were some boring performances. Sweet baby jesus, they bored me. First Lauren and Scotty performed Lady Antebellum’s “American Honey.” Did you know that Lauren and Scotty enjoy the country music? Cuz I sure didn’t. It was quite a stretch for them to do the country music, especially for Scotty. One of these weeks, Scotty’s gonna show up in his bathrobe and shower shoes, tilt his head sideways, hum a few deep notes, smile and walk off. And the judges are gonna rip off their panties and throw them at Scotty and he’s gonna win. Mark my words. It’ll happen. Meantime, Lauren’s been shopping at Forever 21 in Ciudad Juarez, so she’ll be hitting us with trailer park chic for a long time to come. You can get many ruffled, flammable dresses and plastic jewelries at Mexian Forever 21s for mere pesos!

Casey and Haley are paired up to do a jazzy version of “Moaning.” I probably should be familiar with this song, but you know what? I’m not. I do think that this is a great pairing, though, and the most entertaining performance of the night. And I’m not just saying that because I was waiting for a bird to fly into Haley’s hairdo and lay some eggs. I’m saying it because they were really, really good together. They were howling and growling and gnashing their teeth at one another. It was like watching exotic mammals begin the mating ritual. The judges want to know where this Haley was the night before.

Their comments foreshadow what’s about to happen mere seconds later — Tink flits out and sends Haley to the bottom three, proclaiming Lauren, Scotty and Casey safe.

Since this was Songs of the Cinema Week, Rob Reiner was invited to roll onto the empty Idol set this week and yell dumb jokes at the contestants. It really is nice when young people humor the elderly. In this case, it was all of America humoring Reiner, and he knew that, and he appreciated it. He didn’t appreciate it enough to offer any of the contestants a role in his next blockbuster movie, Bucket List II: Revenge of the Pail, but he appreciated it.

The next performance came from Idol grandma Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean. Both seem to have a touch of the bloat, if you know what I mean. I wish I was rich enough to overeat…. Anyway, they do “Don’t You Wanna Stay” and Kelly Clarkson shows these younguns how it’s done; she looks like she’s having fun and is relaxed.

James, Paulie Smiles, Lusky and our boo Fano perform a medley of “The Sound of Silence” and “Mrs. Robinson” from The Graduate, so I guess we’re going back to the theme of the week now?? I didn’t care for it, especially with Lusky trying to outsing, oversing, and sidesing everyone. But Pia was there to give it a standing ovation.

Tink’s back to put some people in the bottom three. James and Lusky are sent to the safety sofas while Paulie Smiles and our boo Fano are sent to the stools.

Before we get to the elimination, Rihanna, the long lost bastard child of Bozo the Clown, does a sleepy performance of “California King.” What a stupid song. What a stupid performance. What a stupid air guitar. I wish she’d stop.

OK, finally. Bottom three. Paul, Stefano and Haley. Tink reminds us again that since the top 13, only girls have been eliminated from the show by a rabid pack of backbiting, bitch-hating, boy-crazy tweenage girls and their grandmothers, who keep voting for Scotty. Haley’s safe… Stefano’s safe… and Paul’s out. No one, including Paul, seems too upset by this and JHo requests that he sing “Maggie May” for his swan song. And there’s laughing and high-fiving and cuddling and the show ends.

And out in the audience, seated in the back where the fat people are relegated, Pia claps and claps until her palms burn. She smiles until her cheeks ache and her gums dry out. And that cracking noise you hear? That’s her heart turning as dark and frozen as a Howard Beach pond in January.