MiniCap: American Idol

While you were out getting your Drink-o de Mayo on, last night’s Idol was epic in an ADHD sort of way. The Star Wars type open (May the fourth be with you, a day late) and the 60 million votes promised an episode of legendary proportions. But there was a whole lotta hoo-ha, too, as the Idol producers attempted to fit as much as possible — and as many advertisers as possible — into one hour. Autobiographies! Music videos! Popcorn! Hell’s Kitchen! Performances! Eggs! All before we learned if the judges’ asshole move from Wednesday night was going to send Haley home.

I found Haley’s outfit far more offensive than her song choice. Are those roots growing towards her crotchal region??

I’m going to save most of it for the full-on recap, but here are five of the most ridonkulous moments of this ri-goddam-diculous show:

Number one: Crossovers
So nightmare chef and serial cheater Gordon Ramsay dragged his bulldog-looking face to Idol that one time to insult Stefano’s mom’s cooking. So obviously the Idol contestants were obligated to go to Hell’s Kitchen to make omelettes and allow Ramsay to put mystery objects into their gaping maws. Lauren won this “contest” by making a nice omelette and being able to identify the exotic and mysterious ingredient known here in the US as “hot dog.”

Number two: Product Placement
After watching a delightfully entertaining episode of Hell’s Kitchen, why don’t you hop on Bing and find out where you can buy one of them new-fangled Fords that park themselves. You can drive your haunted Ford to the bookstore, where it will parallel park itself (running over far fewer children and puppies than you ever did) and you can run inside and grab Steven Tyler’s new book. On your way home, get your Knightrider to take you to the sody fountain, grab a Coke, and then go home and download the songs you heard on Wednesday night on iTunes. While you’re at it, check out AmericanIdol.com to see when you can buy tickets for the summer tour. Do all of this and you, too, can be like the contestants were just a few months ago: broke and hungry.

Number three: Performances
Oh yeah, this is a music show. Lady Antebellum performed “Just a Kiss” and it was bearded and kind of sexy. And the Idol contestants performed “Happy Together.” Why? Don’t know. Maybe it was the cheapest song they could get the rights to? Anyway, it was awful. Just awful. If this is any indication of the summer tour, I say save your money and buy more coke. The kind you put in your nose, though.

Number four: Miscellaneous
Do you ever wonder how the contestants decide what to wear or what to sing? Me neither.

Do you ever wonder what Jimmy Iovine thinks after watching the performances? The only reason I like it is because he’s so damn cranky and he looks like a little perv in his hat and dark glasses. Basically he gave James and Jacob a thumbs down, he thought Lauren was meh, and he was into Scotty and Haley.

Number five: Shameless Self Tink Promotion
Tink let us know that Steven has a book out about his life and all the booze and sex and DRAMA and ladies leggings he wears. Randy has a bake sale coming up in Tarzana.

Why do they keep forgetting to mention his amazing Wal-mart commercial??

JHo has a new music video out featuring the luscious-lipped William Levy and her song with Pitbull has hit number one in 18 countries. Which ones, I wanna know. Which 18 countries allowed this to happen. I can only think of six where it might be possible. Iran is number seven.

So, this means that JHo and Pitbull have to perform “On the Floor.” Do you think that JHo was really singing? Or was she lip synching? Also, who writes her songs? Because none of them really seem to be about anything. They’re just songs you might hear at some stupid bar that accepts fake IDs.

So that was all the crap that happened before we found out who was going on. By the end of the show, Tink had divided four of the contestants into pairs. James and Haley were on one side of the stage. Jacob and Lauren were on the other. Scotty was brought onstage and told that he was safe. Relief for him and Paquita! But the pendulum swung the other way as Tink told Scotty to stand with the group that he thought was safe. This got a whole lot of boos from the audience and Scotty refused to do it. Oh Scotty, don’t be that way. We know from Hollywood auditions that you’re not above throwing somebody under the bus!

Clearly James and Haley are in the safe group, along with Scotty, leaving James and Lauren in the bottom two. After making Lauren cry through a commercial break, Tink reveals that she’s safe and James is going home.

Don’t you feel sad for Jacob, though. He gets to be an ass one final time as he tells Tink that now that America loves him, he can bring them some good old R&B, like Luther. I don’t know that they love you THAT much, Lusky! They just gave you the boot… Anyway he goes out singing Luther’s “A House is Not a Home” and it is filled with high notes and histrionics, as usual.

And that was the show. It was aight. I was a little disappointed because rumor on the internet was that Lady Gaga would perform and premiere a different version of “Judas.” But that’s what I get for believing stuff I read online. Were you surprised by the show? Did you think someone besides Jacob deserved the heave-ho? Why do you think Jimmy Iovine is such a cranky pants? And what’s he hiding under that hat?

Oh, one final thing I read online today. This gem of a blind item from BlindGossip.com: “Which American Idol Top 10 contestant has an ego bigger than JLo’s? It’s a real turn off for fellow contestants as well as for the established artists and record producers who have been helping him.”

Hmmm… who could that be??