MiniCap: American Idol

Last night’s Idol was cuh-rayzay! Nothing specifically extra nuts happened — despite the presence of Lady Gaga, whom the contestants seemed to think was Satan, come to earth, wearing dark makeup and dressed in 8-inch heels. It was just such a weird melange of people, performances and commentary that it didn’t make sense.

I wonder why the super religious contestants seemed so afraid of her? And where in the Bible does it say that Jesus was wonky-eyed?

Last night’s Idol was about choices. We all make ‘em. We all regret ‘em. We all live with ‘em. But last night, at least one person made a very bad choice that America might not be able to live with.

The contestants got to sing two songs again. The first had to be an inspirational song. The second had to be from the Leiber and Stoller songbook and Lady Gaga would be helping them out with it.

James started with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing,” because he felt that it aptly described his JOURNEY from small-town, thicky-thick wannabe to big time, tubby Idol hopeful. It was a pretty mellow performance for him (only two explosions) and the judges thought it was a great song choice, amazing vocals and they loved the vibrato at the end.

James’ second song was “Love Potion Number Nine” which was a weird choice that he decided to rock the fuck up. Lady Gaga slid out of her chair during rehearsals to caress him and try to get him to move his hips more. He looked terrified but complied… during rehearsals. During his performance he replaced hip swiveling with screaming bloody murder. The judges loved it.

Haley selected Michael Jackson’s “Earth Song” for her first performance. Did you “say wha??” like I did on that one? Why? Who allowed this to happen? Especially after last week’s debacle of a song choice when the judges smacked her around with their critique. This was just dumb. She was dumb for picking it. You go girl… you just threw away your chance of winning. On top of the bad choice, her performance was terrible. Then she got all pouty when the judges went on and on with their complaints. It was painful.

Haley pulled a repeat of last week by taking the critique and them coming back and pulling out all the stops for her second song. For “I, Who Have Nothing,” Gaga advised her to go psycho to keep from being boring. She encouraged Haley to take a massive, audible breath in the middle of one of the verses. “You’re gonna kick so much ass, little pony,” Gaga tells her creepily at the end of the rehearsal.

Despite wearing a black diaper, Haley killed the song. She hit some amazing notes in the middle that totally gave me the goosies, to use a JHo phrase. She did more of a pause than the dramatic, sobbing breath Gaga coached her on, but those incredible notes more than made up for it. The judges loved it and totally took credit for making her amazing.

Scotty’s first song was “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning” by Alan Jackson. We went from worst song choice evah to best, most pandering to an American audience song choice on the planet. The only thing that would have been more pandering is “God Bless America.” Scotty kept things simple, sitting on a stool with a guitar and singing sadly into the camera. The judges loved it and said it was the right song for the times we’re living in, never mind that it’s about being an ignorant American. Hey, maybe an ignorant American is the best American?

Scotty and Gaga. I think that a reality show featuring them two on tour would be high-larious. They were so awkward. There was Gaga in her giant shoes, with no pants and a fugly wig, her face painted like she was at an elementary school fair. And next to Gaga was Scotty who was kissing his cross and promising God that if He’d just deliver him safely to the end of this rehearsal, he’d totally stop thinking about JHo while he was desecrating his body.

Scotty sang “Young Blood.” Gaga showed him how to make love to the mic with his mouth, and I’ll tell you what — he may have been freaked out, but he stopped holding it like a flute. He gave a silly, eye-popping performance, but he didn’t give the mic head. Gaga. Certified genius. The judges loved Scotty, of course.

Lauren’s first song was Martina McBride’s “Anyway.” She wanted to sing about rebuilding the south after the tornadoes rolled through the other week. She sounded good and looked good and even bravely went after some of the bigger notes that she seems to have been avoiding in recent weeks. She may have looked like the madame of a vampire brothel, but she sang sweetly and the judges enjoyed it with Steven saying she delivered the song like a blue plate special. Then he leched after her stripper shoes.

For her second song, Lauren chose “Trouble” by Elvis Presley. Her song choice was a real problem here, because she didn’t want to sing the word “evil.” I mean, everyone’s entitled to their opinions and words are strong. But 2/3 of the lyrics of that song are the word “evil,” so it’s a pretty dumb choice. To her credit, Gaga managed to neither roll her eyes nor claw Lauren’s out. She basically told her to chill the fuck out, grow the fuck up and sing the song.

Lauren started her performance off strong and sexy, but the beginning was the best part. For me, the song got a little sloppy as it went on and she did way too much running around. The judges liked the beginning and appreciated that she moved away from the country-pop thing. Although, personally, I think that the word “Elvis” is in the definition of country-pop. But what do I know?

Tink closed the show by reminding us to vote, since this was the same week that Chris Daughtry went home. We also find out that not only will Lady Gaga perform on Thursday night, but we’ll also get to see the debut of Steven Tyler’s new music video. What music video? Is it Aerosmith? Does Steven have an album coming out? This is the most self-promotional group of judges ever. So, what’d you think of the song choices, performances and Gaga? I’m worried that our girls are in danger!