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Oh, what a night on Idol, huh? I’d say any night that ends with JHo bawling is a good one, but this one was quite surprising, huh? Tink tells us that 72 million votes came in after the debacle of Wednesday night’s mediocrity. He also promises us performances from Enrique, Jordin, Gaga, and the “world premiere” of Steven Tyler’s new music video. Let’s hit up the performances first and then get to the meat of this sangwich, shall we?
To quote Ice Cube: I got to say it was a good day.
We were in country country for the first part of the night. Scotty the Body and James Chubby Body did a twangy version of “Start Up Band.” James’ attempt at country music was as sad as his attempt to kiss his wife mid-song. She stabbed him in the eye with her nose and his eye leaked for the rest of the night. Haley and Lauren sang the domestic violence victim power anthem “Gunpowder and Lead.” Let that be a lesson to all you wife beaters out there. Hit a woman and she will shoot you in the head and then smoke a cigarette over your decaying corpse.
Later, the contestants sat down to watch a DVD of Lady Gaga performing “You and I” at one of her concerts. Wait. Was that the Lady Gaga performance they’ve been promising us? Seriously? A DVD?? So. Lame. Whose idea was that? That’s like driving 8 hours to go to your mom’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. But your mom didn’t tell you that your veggie-Nazi sister convinced her to try vegetarianism. So your mom made tofurkey and chik’n and kale salad for Thanksgiving dinner. And she was sad when you ordered Chinese food. It was like that. Or so I’ve heard.
A robot disguised to look like Enrique Iglesias performed half of a song and then malfunctioned and performed half of a different song. First, there was a heavily synthesized version of “Dirty Dancer.” Then there was an even more synthesized version of “I Like It.” Then the robot performed its “fan hug” function. Must. Hug. Female. Humans.
Later, Jordin sparks trundled out to perform “I Am Woman.” It was like a bootleg Beyonce performing a bootleg version of Beyonce’s bootlegged song “Girls Rule the World.” But you know what? Sasha Fierce would never get stuck in her coat in the middle of an onstage costume change. She might fall off the stage, but she’d never get stuck while ripping off her silver lame rain slicker.
What did you think of the world prim-yay of Steven Tyler’s new video for the song “It Feels So Good Brought to You by Ford Everyone Go Out and Buy a Mustang. Nicole Sherzinger”? The kids over on MTV are gonna love that one, huh? So, I was a lil’ confuzzled, but I think the video was about a witch named Steven who had monkeys instead of babies and played with elephants. While he was doing this, a hot young woman took off her clothes and frolicked around Miami. But she had nothing to do with the witch, so forget about her. Meanwhile, the witch called Steven Tyler cast a spell on Nicole Sherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls that made her sit perfectly still and look vacuous for half of the video. The end.
OK, now to the results. Tink lined the four finalists up on stage, promising that all four would go home. But three would go home heroes and one would go home a total failure and outcast. The top three would get to sit on golden stools that were enchanted by the witch. The stools would make them rich and famous. The fourth singer would be cursed with an overabundance of emotions and uncontrollable muscle spasms.
Lovable Teen Lauren was sent to safety first. Tink reminded us that the boys on this show have had a very strong season. Would that continue? No. Tiny Squawker Haley is sent to the safety stools next, leaving Alfred E. Neuman and Crybaby Twitch to duke it out for the final spot. I think we all knew that with the granny brigade on his side, Scotty would be headed to the finals. Which left metal head James to squeal out his swan song with tears streaming down his face and JHo’s.
Don’t be sad JHo. James will probably be far more rich and famous than the actual winner of this farce. I was pretty shocked that James got the boot. He might not have had the best voice, but he sounded good and was an awesome performer. He also had a great back story and a personality. And, he was consistent throughout. I think that deserved a top three, at least.
So that was the shocking results. What’d you think? Who’d you vote for? Out of the final four, who would you rather have seen in concert?
To check out last week’s performance recap, click here.