MiniCap: American Idol

Recaps

By IceQueen | Friday, May 13, 2011 | 12:23 am | 15 Comments
Posted in: American Idol, MiniCaps, Recaps

Oh, what a night on Idol, huh? I’d say any night that ends with JHo bawling is a good one, but this one was quite surprising, huh? Tink tells us that 72 million votes came in after the debacle of Wednesday night’s mediocrity. He also promises us performances from Enrique, Jordin, Gaga, and the “world premiere” of Steven Tyler’s new music video. Let’s hit up the performances first and then get to the meat of this sangwich, shall we?

small_jennifer_lopez_cryingTo quote Ice Cube: I got to say it was a good day.

We were in country country for the first part of the night. Scotty the Body and James Chubby Body did a twangy version of “Start Up Band.” James’ attempt at country music was as sad as his attempt to kiss his wife mid-song. She stabbed him in the eye with her nose and his eye leaked for the rest of the night. Haley and Lauren sang the domestic violence victim power anthem “Gunpowder and Lead.” Let that be a lesson to all you wife beaters out there. Hit a woman and she will shoot you in the head and then smoke a cigarette over your decaying corpse.

Later, the contestants sat down to watch a DVD of Lady Gaga performing “You and I” at one of her concerts. Wait. Was that the Lady Gaga performance they’ve been promising us? Seriously? A DVD?? So. Lame. Whose idea was that? That’s like driving 8 hours to go to your mom’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. But your mom didn’t tell you that your veggie-Nazi sister convinced her to try vegetarianism. So your mom made tofurkey and chik’n and kale salad for Thanksgiving dinner. And she was sad when you ordered Chinese food. It was like that. Or so I’ve heard.

A robot disguised to look like Enrique Iglesias performed half of a song and then malfunctioned and performed half of a different song. First, there was a heavily synthesized version of “Dirty Dancer.” Then there was an even more synthesized version of “I Like It.” Then the robot performed its “fan hug” function. Must. Hug. Female. Humans.

Later, Jordin sparks trundled out to perform “I Am Woman.” It was like a bootleg Beyonce performing a bootleg version of Beyonce’s bootlegged song “Girls Rule the World.” But you know what? Sasha Fierce would never get stuck in her coat in the middle of an onstage costume change. She might fall off the stage, but she’d never get stuck while ripping off her silver lame rain slicker.

What did you think of the world prim-yay of Steven Tyler’s new video for the song “It Feels So Good Brought to You by Ford Everyone Go Out and Buy a Mustang. Nicole Sherzinger”? The kids over on MTV are gonna love that one, huh? So, I was a lil’ confuzzled, but I think the video was about a witch named Steven who had monkeys instead of babies and played with elephants. While he was doing this, a hot young woman took off her clothes and frolicked around Miami. But she had nothing to do with the witch, so forget about her. Meanwhile, the witch called Steven Tyler cast a spell on Nicole Sherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls that made her sit perfectly still and look vacuous for half of the video. The end.

OK, now to the results. Tink lined the four finalists up on stage, promising that all four would go home. But three would go home heroes and one would go home a total failure and outcast. The top three would get to sit on golden stools that were enchanted by the witch. The stools would make them rich and famous. The fourth singer would be cursed with an overabundance of emotions and uncontrollable muscle spasms.

Lovable Teen Lauren was sent to safety first. Tink reminded us that the boys on this show have had a very strong season. Would that continue? No. Tiny Squawker Haley is sent to the safety stools next, leaving Alfred E. Neuman and Crybaby Twitch to duke it out for the final spot. I think we all knew that with the granny brigade on his side, Scotty would be headed to the finals. Which left metal head James to squeal out his swan song with tears streaming down his face and JHo’s.

Don’t be sad JHo. James will probably be far more rich and famous than the actual winner of this farce. I was pretty shocked that James got the boot. He might not have had the best voice, but he sounded good and was an awesome performer. He also had a great back story and a personality. And, he was consistent throughout. I think that deserved a top three, at least.

So that was the shocking results. What’d you think? Who’d you vote for? Out of the final four, who would you rather have seen in concert?

To check out last week’s performance recap, click here.

About

Icequeen is a nonprofit employee who spends her days trying to make the world a better place to make up for the things that she does at night. A former television producer and reporter, she is obsessed with TV and film and is saving up to make her next documentary. When she's not working, writing or watching TV, she enjoys boys, food and travel. Though she has lived all over the U.S., she currently resides in Washington, DC.

15 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 12:47 am

    Fast-forwarded through all the guest “performances” and the other filler bits. That’s 40 minutes of my life you CAN’T have, evil AI Demon.

    When they announced Lauren was in first, I thought, well, so much for Haley. But then I figured, naw, they wouldn’t kill the suspense like that, would they? So, since Snotty McCreepy’s a lock, it had to be James. Good riddance. He was a mediocre singer at best, a suckass performer at worst, and the pooptail and stupid haircuts can’t hide his essential douchebaggish soul.

    If nothing else, the duets proved that this is clearly the girls’ season, at least in terms of vocal talent. And if all those grandmas could get their handcrafted Snotty McCreepy Lyfelyke Dildos out of their hoohaws, they’d recognize that and vote him the hell out of there. They still have the other jeebus-freak, the oversized hairdresser gal, after all.

    But if I didn’t hate Snotty before (I found him amusingly innane), I do now. Pandering arrogant creep. American Idol deserves him.

  2. 2
    soapboxx
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 3:48 am

    I’m glad McMuffin Top McDurbin and his marshmallow bingo wings are gone. He just screeched in a different key than Lusty Stank. I do not believe his Tourettes or high functioning autism. His baby videos show way too much interaction, and his Tourette’s seemed to only occur during the judging. BTW knitted brows do not equal Toruettes, I’m just saying. Prediction: none of these losers make a nickel. Scotty’s copy of Alan Jackson’s hit only made me want to hear it by Alan Jackson. Haley will make one slutty video then disappear. Lauren Alaina will actually become evil after repeating it over and over again Wednesday night and start biting the heads off bunnies on stage. She’ll then wear a skirt made from bunny feet and cowboy boots made from bunny hide.

  3. 3
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 6:16 am

    “That’s like driving 8 hours to go to your mom’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. But your mom didn’t tell you that your veggie-Nazi sister convinced her to try vegetarianism. So your mom made tofurkey and chik’n and kale salad for Thanksgiving dinner. And she was sad when you ordered Chinese food. It was like that. Or so I’ve heard.”

    I’m only as far as that, and am laughing out loud. Or tryong to at least. I have an upper respiratory infection, so it came out more like a seal bark. But trust me…it was a compliment.

  4. 4
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 6:22 am

    I’m glad James got the boot. He was a poser who thinks screaming equals singing, and who never should have made it past Hollywood week. I expect him to be a Celebrity Rehab patient in five years.

  5. 5
    soapboxx
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 6:37 am

    @cattyfan, that was funny! “Celebrity” rehab, bwhahaha, more like homeless shelter reject/Nyquil addict. I don’t mean to be so hateful to Dirbin, maybe he’s actually a nice guy. It just pisses me off when he uses the word autistic. I know a truly autistic child and Durbin is not autistic, high functioning or otherwise. Now if they ever locate the “douche-bag” gene he may be a carrier.

  6. 6
    Jason
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 6:53 am

    Loved it when Haley was sent to the golden potty. Keep showing more attitude girl, and you’ll go all Sherman on those two Southern belles.

  7. 7
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 8:05 am

    I watched her on Dancing with the Stars and I can honestly say you don’t need to cast a spell to make Nicole Scherzinger sit perfectly still and look vacuous.

  8. 8
    JasonR
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Haley and Lauren are in a different league from either of the guys as far as talent level. I was pleasantly surprised that Haley survived another week. It will be a miracle if both girls survive to the finals. The only thing that could doom Scotty is if both girls pull out the stops next week and Scotty, as usual, does something safe and predictable. I’m feeling a very late surge here by Haley, kind of like Season 7(?), when the whole season looked like David Archuleta was the preordained winner and David Cook came on strong at the end.

    By the way, Haley may have the best ass on television. Just sayin. Sorry J-Lo.

  9. 9
    IceQueen
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Get well soon, Cattyfan!

  10. 10
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    @Cattyfan thankfully I am fluent in sea lion so if you want to go there we can. :)

  11. 11
    BlazerGirl
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    I have worked with numerous boys with Asperger’s (the high functioning Autism that James has) and he fits it pretty spot on. Often with Asperger’s, if you aren’t told that’s what they have, the individual simply comes across as weird or having bad social skills. So someone with full blown Autism and someone with Asperger’s can seem completely different. I’m not sticking up for James’ singing, just saying I don’t doubt for a second that he does have Asperger’s.

  12. 12
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Argch argch bark bark bark. Ya know? (clap clap clap)

    Now where’s my fish…

  13. 13
    wcsdancer
    Posted May 13, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Blazergirl, I thought Asperger’s rather than autism, too. I actually thought he did pretty well on the duet with Smarmy, he actually sounded like he was impersonating him.

    Haley’s got a good voice, but she also neeeds to learn that screaming isn’t singing. Scotty sounds the same on every. single. song. He sounds like he’s trying to be a mix of Alan Jackson and Josh Turner.

  14. 14
    kittkatt
    Posted May 14, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Is anybody gonna talk about how Gaga’s song souns exactly like Anna Nalick’s “Breathe” music wise that is?

  15. 15
    sardini
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Sometimes when I watch this season I have to check if it’s really American Idol or SNL doing a skit.

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