MiniCap: American Idol Performance

Last night on American Idol we learned that if you fall down in your six inch stripper shoes, you gotta get back up again, shake it off and let your dad fulfill is fantasy of strokin’ his axe in front of millions of people.

Last night the final three performed three songs each: one they chose, one Jimmy Iovine chose, and a judges’ selection. Three is a magical, mystical number and there was plenty of mystery involved in last night’s show. I was left with such burning questions as: with 64 stylists, how’d JHo end up rockin’ the Snookie poof? Who knew that Kieran, the Idol director, was such a fan of 80s rock music videos? Is Scotty’s head getting larger or is his neck getting skinnier? Who replaced Beyonce’s robot voice with a human one? And what did Priscilla Presley and her sad, lumpy face think of all this?

Quick note about Beyonce, who was the guest mentor… usually I take a big old swig of haterade when I see her. But goddammit, she made me like her last night! She wasn’t wearing a ton of makeup or some crazy outfit. She made more sense than the judges. And now that her dad’s out of the picture, I guess she’s stopped drinking the silly punch that made her sound like she was talking in her sleep all the time. If she ever learns how to become a good actress, we’re never going to get rid of her.

Scotty was up first. His personal choice was Lonestar’s “Amazed.” Beyonce approved of this choice but also seemed to have a major crush on Scotty. What is up with the ladies loving Scotty? First JHo, then Beyonce?! He must have some mighty powerful pheromones….

Anyway, Scotty’s performance was without incident. He started to go up into his higher range and had a pretty big note towards the end. The judges thought it was pitchy on ocassion but said Scotty’s proved that he can sing and now he’s showing that he can stretch, too. So pitchy is good now, I guess?

For Scotty’s second song, Jimmy Iovine chose Thompson Square’s “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not.” Scotty played the guitar for this one and earnestly sang into the camera as we got a great shot up both nostrils. The judges loved it and thought he killed the chorus. JHo wanted to kiss him, Randy felt like he was at his concert again (dude stays at concerts, huh?) and Steven thought he was living the song.

Scotty’s third song was “She Believes in Me” by Kenny Rogers. Ugh. What a dreary, cheese-tastic song. The judges didn’t do him any favors with that one and he sounded quite off key toward the end. But the judges weren’t about to admit they picked a dud, so they kissed his ass instead.

For her first song, Lauren chose Faith Hill’s “Wild One.” Queen Bey approved, saying Lauren performs best when she’s doing fun songs. She encourages Lauren to loosen up and have more confidence onstage. Lauren seemed to really take that to heart, because focused more on performing than singing on this one. We’ve definitely heard her sound better. The judges thought it was good and applauded her for attacking the song.

For Lauren’s second song, Jimmy chose “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry. He and Lauren agree that it’s a sad, macabre song, but she can sing it upliftingly. Anything can be uplifting if you do it with a smile on your face! Gotta get rid of a body? Smile! Gotta pay your taxes? Smile! Girlfriend cheating on you? Smile, friend!

This was a weird performance for Lauren.  During the first half of the song, she sounded alright, but she didn’t really seem into it. But after a quiet moment, she came back with a vengeance and ended strong. JHo said it was because Lauren got caught up in the honesty of the moment. Randy said she didn’t hit the modulation at the right point, but she played it off and that’s the sign of a good performer.

For Lauren’s third song, the judges chose Lee Ann Womack’s “I Hope You Dance.” That’s one of those songs that’s not too awful until it gets stuck in your head for a few days. Lauren killed it and even threw in a couple of r&b runs. She did throw in the towel a little too early though and didn’t end particularly strongly. The judges loved it though and Randy and Steven fight to claim Lee Ann Womack as a friend.

For her first song, Haley chose Led Zepplin’s “What Is and What Should Never Be.” I kind of feel like she deserves to be cut for yet another bizarre song choice. WTF, Haley, are you trying to not win?? Even Beyonce has trouble being polite about this one. Also, Haley told Beyonce that she grew up listening to her music. Smushing your youth in someone’s face is a good reason to get snapped on.

Haley started her performance all high and bluesy and sexy. And as a special treat, her dad played guitar with the band. All of the excitement must have really gotten to her, because at one point, she falls UP a set of stairs. Gotta give her credit, though, she played it off pretty well, and if you weren’t watching your TV at that moment, you probably wouldn’t have known.

The audience and judges show her plenty of love after her fall and the judges lavish her with praise. Except for Steven who wants to know if she fell for him. I think he’s got a dictionary of puns and cliches hidden under that table somewhere.

Jimmy chose “Rhiannon” for Haley because he’s wanted her to sing Fleetwood Mac ever since he met her. And wow, what a weird performance that was, huh? Haley’s part wasn’t weird — she actually had Stevie Nicks’s haunting vocal quality throughout much of it. But the fog and the wind machine and the soft filter on the camera lens… It was like watching a really bad parody of a really bad classic rock music video. The judges thought it was pitch perfect and a beautiful moment, although they thought she’d take it further at the end.

Haley’s final number was “You Oughta Know” and the judges really screwed her over with that one. It was really bad. Partly because they did the corny change-the-lyrics move (“would she go out with you to the theater?”). But it was also bad because Haley seemed to have started in the wrong key. She sounded terrible until she hit the chorus. I wish we knew whose brilliant idea this was.

The judges thought the choruses were amazing. So, basically it would have been great if she’d just stuck with the same four lines over and over again. Unfortunately, that’s not how songs are sung, so ya’ll pretty much screwed her.

The only other things worth mentioning was the return of BabyLockDemDoors a couple of times and the new Beyonce video. We can talk more about those in the full recaps, so let’s just say for now that Beyonce doesn’t have high hopes for what the world would look like if it was run by girls:

All the single ladies are apparently terrible drivers…

Haley’s my favorite, but she had, by far, the worst night. Who’s headed home this evening? And are you ready for 50 Cent, humanoid Nicole Sherzinger and Il Volo tonight?