MiniCap: ANTM

Gasmii, I’m alive.  I have no idea what happened on the past two episodes of ANTM but more on that in the full recap.  What I DO know is that I couldn’t be more excited about the Michael Jackson theme.  Onward.

Looks like Haggis Face Lisa is still around and she’s talking a whole lot in the beginning which probably means she’s out of here.  It’s 8:01 PM.  Count it.  I’m in for the win.

Tyramail announces what goes around comes around and as per usual these idiots have no idea what it means and I really wish they’d stop guessing because it makes my head hurt and I already have a cough producing neon green phlegmage from my innards.  Never Nude is still around babbling about her lack of being naked.  In between her clothes-wearing sermons, Never Nude manages to make a phone schedule for the house allotting everyone 20 minutes.  Never Nude and Bianca get into it over the phone plan causing immediate tears from Jesus’s girlfriend.  She starts crying and offers her time to Bianca, prompting Lisa to get involved and, Lisa, seriously, you’re old and SHUT. UP.

At the challenge, Miss J dressed like A River Runs Through It extra meets all the girls on the Santa Monica Pier.   The girls are modeling clothes from the Kardashian collection and will be riding a carousel.  Great.  Two things that are guaranteed to make me puke.  (I’m two shakes away from ranting about that shit show that was the Kardashian wedding but we’ll save that for the full recap as well because I don’t have the strength.)  Oh.  The Kardashians are here making an appearance.  I mean, I wouldn’t expect anything less from a group that endorses Silly Bandz/Skechers/Sex Tapes, etc.  Is it wrong that I might like Scott Disick more than anyone else?  The self-loathing has already started for even allowing that thought into my hamster-wheel operated brain. (On second though, I forgot about the walking sex that is Brody Jenner.  I love him with the fire of 1000 suns.)

The carousel made things interesting because it was spinning faster than any carousel I’ve ever seen ever and I used to work in an amusement park.  Bre wins the challenge but I think “winning” means she gets some of the factory sewn K-Dash clothing that the rest of us peons can buy at Sears.  So, yay for her.  Back at the house, a bunch of drama nonsense fighting about Bianca leaving happens but no one ever mans up and actually leaves except for that one girl a couple cycles ago who left because, like, her entire family was murdered two weeks before the show started or something.  I might be remembering it wrong.  But, the point is, no one actually leaves despite all the hemming and hawing.  I just want to see LaToya.

For the photo shoot, the girls meet Jay and see a bunch of clothing from Michael Jackson’s iconic moments.  This is going to be SO awesome.  Even more awesome because LaToya Jackson is here to up the crazy factor.  My personal fave?  Smooth Criminal all the way.  I just can’t believe how much plastic surgery has happened to this family and yet they still all look alike.  Everyone looks like they are doing drunk versions of what a Michael Jackson impersonator would do but I’m actually excited to see the photos.  Check back in a few days for the full recap to see who is sent off to the bad place and who gets to see another day.