MiniCap: ANTM

Tonight on ANTM, the seven models left are hanging on by a thread and shocked that Bianca went home.  I’m not.  Girl was a nasty Non-Beyonce and can go back to harassing Z-List celebs waiting for their flights at the airport.

So the TyraMail or clue or whatever the hell it is comes in the form of “internet phenomenon” Madison.  Madison is a small, marblemouthed child that gives makeup lessons to the models in her native juvenile babble tongue.  I honestly have no idea what the actual challenge is and I still don’t know who Madison is and in between writing this minicap and searching for Christmas music to checkout from my library, I don’t care to find out.

Luckily, Jay is here to translate whatever the hell it is Madison just said and explains that part of being a public figure is going viral.  The word viral is said like 15 times over the next 30 seconds with Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber listed as examples of celebs who have been discovered virally.  Speaking of Justin Bieber and viral spreading, I can’t be alone in wanting that illegitimate love child to pan out as one of the most awesome celeb paternity suits EVER.

So today, the models are tasked with taking some pre-produced tracks and writing lyrics to a song in 20 minutes.  The song will then be turned into a music video starring our lovely ladies.  First of all, 20 minutes?  For these idiots?  We’ll be lucky if they can write their own names in twenty minutes.  Fun kind-of related fact: T.I. said on Howard Stern that the song Live Your Life took him 45 minutes to write.   I love that song.

Whoever wins the song-writing portion of the challenge today gets to have a loved one flown in.  Obviously, if Never Nude wins, she’s going to fly in her husband because she hasn’t seen Jesus Jr. in over a month.  She also uses Jesus Jr. as the inspiration for her lyrics.  Why is she so, SO predictable?  She would have been the lamest high school friend ever, frowning upon the rest of us drunk around a camp fire and making out in the woods while she sits in her knee-length skirt passing judgment and praying to be saved from her circle of heathens.  What a killjoy.

In other parts of the challenge, Lisa is a musician, so she is excited for the competition because she does music on the side or as her main venture now since her face hasn’t been working out.  Lisa is announced as the song-writing winner and the whole thing is weirdly anti-climactic as we’ve heard no songs, nor music, and have no idea what set her apart from the others to win.  So….the second week in a row where someone wins a challenge that we, the viewing audience, have no basis as to why.  Compelling, I tell you.  At least we get to see whatever it is that is engaged to Haggis.  Good luck and as Never Nude would say, God Bless.

One of the rules for the songs is that Pot Ledom must be incorporated.  Pot Ledom = Top Model backwards.  Which you will hear 157 times over the next 15 minutes.  Prepare yourselves if you haven’t seen the full episode yet.  You will want to end your life.  Directing the models’ music videos today is rapper The Game….

…Excuse me.  Apparently it’s just Game.  From now on, I’d like to be addressed as Barcalounger.

Check back in a few days Gasmi for the full recap and to see how the music videos played out.  They are awesomely horrific.  Plus we get to see The Banks and little Keene Cahill making cameos in ALL of the videos.  You won’t be disappointed.  Trust.

PS.  In the meantime, check out last week’s recap to get your ANTM snark fix!