MiniCap: ANTM

Recaps

By P-Baby Walker | Thursday, December 1, 2011 | 3:00 am | 17 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: America's Next Top Model, MiniCaps, Recaps

America's Next Top Model

Last night on ANTM, we’re still on the longest trip ever taken to Greece in the history of time.  Like longer than Gilligan’s three hour tour.  Longer than those plane crash surviving assholes who were stuck on the OTHER island.  As a quick reminder, Dominique and Angelea were in the bottom two a couple weeks ago and Dominique got sent home finally to take care of her newborn fetus and the other kid she has.  So now we’re down to four stick creatures battling it out to be Tyra’s next minion.  (Speaking of stick creatures, I totally watched the Victoria Secret Fashion Show.  Side note to Orlando: We get it.  Miranda’s hot.  She’s your wife.  She had your baby.  Now sit down you stupid pirate stage husband.)

So today, the girls are met by Uncle Pervy who gives them their challenge.  We’re reminded that the cycle winner is going to be blogging on Vogue Italia’s website, which, like I can’t even listen to these people talk.  I can only imagine the amount of bleeding my eyes would do reading a blog by them (Allison excluded, as she appears to have the hamster wheel spinning at a decent speed for the most part.)

Right, back to the challenge.  So the girls have to pick out an outfit from some Nicole Richie hand me down boho closet, then get a driver to take them to an “inspirational” spot, pose for some pictures and then blog about it.  All this has to happen in three hours and then their “blogs” will be submitted for She Who Shall Not Be Named’s review.  The winner’s prize is a trip back to Crete.  We don’t find out the winner until later though.  All you need to know for now is that Laura is dyslexic so she is nervous about the blogging, Angelea wants to find the Crete ghetto and…that’s it.

After the blogs are submitted, the girls meet up with Jay the next day and are told they are going to be directed in a motion editorial by The Banks.  First, we get to hear about how The Banks spent a bunch of years working on her version of To Kill a Mockingbird AKA Modelland which is essentially…a Hogwarts for models.  DumbleBanks keeps talking and talking about her “book” and Tookie and whipped cream to the point where I’m now reading a People.com article about that trashy blonde country broad who used to sing songs but was reported missing to the police only to turn up again pregnant with twins by an unknown father?   The fuck?  Hello, lady, Country Strong was a movie, not a lifestyle.

Against all odds, Angelea wins the blogging challenge.  Good for her, I think girlfriend needed a little pick me up after the past couple episodes she’s had.  Not to mention, Allison’s blog was legit like three sentences and no picture.

So the motion editorial is based off chapters out of Tyra Banks and the Sorcerer’s Smize and will encompass two full days of shooting.  On the second day, Tyson Beckford joins in on the fun and he’s still hot even though he’s 40 YEARS OLD.  I used to read about him in Seventeen magazine.  Like 15 years ago.  Christ, I’m old too.  Not 40, but on the bad side of 25.  I’m totally digging his tattoos.  Somewhere along the way, I turned into a tattoo person.  Even though I’m on the wrong side of 25, don’t tell my parents.  Anyway, I can’t wait to give you mini chapter run downs in the full recap because it’s really not as bad as you think it might be.  It’s twenty billion times worse.  Check back in a couple days for the full recap!

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P-Baby Walker is a Pez-collecting, Archie Comic reading, Elvis loving, self-appointed movie sensei.  Lack of sunlight, fresh air and a bloodstream composed of Diet Pepsi causes her moods to air on the side of salty, resulting in endless disgruntled opinions for the world to enjoy.  Due to overall lack of motivation to do anything else, P-Baby has recently started writing more of her musings on pop culture at Mrs. Catalano Presents...  When she's not in the midst of her ongoing epic battle between love and hate for Nicolas Cage, she spends an abnormal amount of time watching B movies on Netflix.  She hopes to meet John Waters one day and thank him for his contributions to the film industry.

17 Comments

  1. 1
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 5:17 am

    Gawd that Modelland thing was horrible! But, of the bottom two I think the correct person went home(no spoilers here).

  2. 2
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 5:19 am

    BTW, Tyson was a nice hunk of sexy chocolaty goodness….HOPE he melts in my mouth and my hands;)

  3. 3
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 5:43 am

    The whole episode I kept thinking, Wtf! How many crazy things can she put in one book?!” It is as if she did a huge madlib as a novel. And this thing is one the best sellers list?

  4. 4
    mnkid
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 6:43 am

    That was a hot mess of WTF. Sheesh. First episode I’ve watched all season. I usually only read your re-caps as that is as close to viewing as I want to get but I caught sight of the beautiful blue waters and got roped in. Managed to miss the end though so looking forward to the full recap for the “pack-your-bags” decision.

  5. 5
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 6:54 am

    @Snooty – “It is as if she did a huge madlib as a novel.” Bwhahaha! Could not have put it better myself. What a piece of shit. When I think of all of the people out there who have written really great pieces of literature and can’t even get them looked at, I want to scream.

    Although it is a “trade secret,” books on the NYT bestseller list are compiled by the editors and are based on projections and wholesale dollars, not retail sales. No one is going to buy that dreckitude. You’ll be seeing it at Big Lots in no time.

    Thought the wrong person went home. I am really tired of the person that was first and the person that was second to last. Guess that leaves me with only one person to go for now.

  6. 6
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 6:55 am

    PS – The one who REALLY did the most heinous job on the video shoot and should have gone home – TYRA!!

  7. 7
    labowner
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Lover your tangents and recaps B-baby. It was so nice out last night totally forgot the show was on. When I got home Burn Notice was on and I have a hard time turning off Mr. Westen.

  8. 8
    Jessi
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 9:49 am

    I love that Tyra finally flat out was like “You’re all being ME for this shoot!” Or, excuse me, Tookie who Tyra said is basically her.

  9. 9
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 10:32 am

    S-Natch The first place person is 1 thing short of the complete package and for the reasons given(leave it there) I agreed with the person who left. I can say I’m TIRED of the second to the last person. So I think we have the same person we are rooting to win.

  10. 10
    featherhead
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 11:00 am

    I love the second to last person, she’s always been my favorite. Can I ask What in the Hell Tyra was wearing at panel??? Is her stylist mad at her or something? For a supermodel, most of the time at panel she looks a hot-ass mess. Greece is beautiful.

  11. 11
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Maybe I am alone here, but the first place person ROCKS. I have been a fan of hers since the first season (where I think she was largely misunderstood given her behavior/attitude/accomplishments in the time since that season. I think she deserved first picture this week and I think (based on the criteria for this season) that she is the one who should win.

    I loved the one who left, but agreed with the judges. I love the one who almost left (next to last) but she is lacking based on the criteria for this season (if it were a regular season, I’d say she should win it). The second place person isn’t ready yet, imo, though I do like her too.

  12. 12
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 11:16 am

    And I would like to mention how lovely it is that everyone is being so careful not to give spoilers. *mwah*

  13. 13
    PLEASE!!
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Just tell me who went home!!!

  14. 14
    fancyface3000
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Either the first or second place pic winner are gonna take the whole thing. I stand by my prediction from a few weeks ago. And who the hell is ready for major success when it happens? We all are works in progress. Second place pic winner is as ready as anyone else! And she’s my pick to win.

  15. 15
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Honestly the person who should win is the person in first place this week, I can only find one fault(that is mentioned by us over and over)…its just a HUGE fault. I agree 2nd to the last is just not ready you guys need to look her up on youtube…little weird and makes me thing ANTM her is not real life her

  16. 16
    Jo
    Posted December 1, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Second to last should have rocked that blog but still has won most challenges & best pics and can be let loose on society!

  17. 17
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 2:52 am

    @Jo – Actually that is not true. The person who came in first has 3 reward wins and 3 top pictures. The person who came in 2nd has 1 reward win and 1 top picture. The person who came in next to last has 2 reward challenge (1 of them as part of a group) and 1 top picture. The person who went home had 1 reward win and 2 top photos.

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