MiniCap: Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew

It’s the series finale of “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,” and in just 24 hours the addicts our good doctor has be treating for the past 20 days will be completing treatment. The focus of this episode is how Drew’s patients will – or even whether they can – sustain sobriety after they leave the Pasadena Recovery Center.

Everyone seems to think Michael Lohan will end up in prison or beat up a woman within two weeks of getting out, so we’re off to a good start.

Hey! Do I LOOK like a convict to you?

To help make the transition for our “celebrities” easier, Dr. Drew enlists the help of some former patients who have successfully completed his program: Eric Roberts, Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis and Rachel Uchitel. All three are an excellent example of overcoming addiction and are here to discuss the challenges of ongoing sobriety and offer their advice. And they ARE good examples – all are currently sober, happy and not sleeping with anyone’s husbands.

When Jessica Kiper reveals to Eric Roberts that she fears she will smoke pot again once she is released, he suggests she enter a sober living program to help her with her transition back to the real world. Ok, she lies, as only an addict could.

Finally, it’s graduation day, with the ceremony being held at a fancy mansion. What with all the perks addicts get, I’m surprised more people don’t go to rehab. I’m gonna tell the homeless guy in the hospital gown who lives on the corner all about this program. But only if he doesn’t mug me this time.

But it’s not that easy – in order to graduate, all of the patients have to read letters to the group and then burn them. It shouldn’t be that hard – they should be used to getting rid of evidence by now.

In all seriousness, I commend these people for doing this. Conquering one’s addictions is no easy feat, and I hope they continue on their path to sobriety. But, since I do write for a satirical Web Site, I’m just gonna throw out the disclaimer that all’s fair in love, war, and recapping – so let’s get started:

Sean Young successfully says goodbye to alcohol, but she still can’t seem to get over the fact she wasn’t cast as Catwoman, because she’s still dressing for the part. You better watch your back, Anne Hathaway!

Bai Ling weeps as she says goodbye to her tumultuous past, which was a little heartbreaking. Amy Fisher makes no mention of the woman she shot in the face, but seems to come to terms with her demons nonetheless. But it’s Michael Lohan that Dr. Drew focuses on again, whose anger management issues apparently made for great television fodder this past season. But, Michael also seems willing to let go of his issues – and as the legendary actor he is, Michael makes a great presentation of burning his letter, complete with a pregnant pause and sign of the cross to show us he’s serious about his fame sobriety.

Steven Adler knows the drill – after all, he’s been here before. But this time he seems truly ready to accept his sobriety. Having seen friends succumb to their addictions, Steven repeats “goodbye to you” to his vices. Unfortunately, the long-term effects of ongoing drug use are still there, but it’s a step in the right direction.

In perhaps the most sincere moment of the episode, Dwight Gooden tears up as he talks about his kids and apologizes to the people he’s hurt over the years. He writes a letter to himself, from himself, asking himself to forgive himself for his mistakes. Got it? Your heart can’t help but break a little bit as you watch this gigantic man almost lose it, and you definitely want to root for him, even if he did play for the Mets. I won’t hold it against him.

Jeremy Jackson says goodbye to steroids, which is good. Since he’s making the effort to get off of steroids, I’ll make the effort to refrain from ball-shrinkage jokes. It’s a win-win, you guys. Jessica Kiper finally reveals she will not go to sober living, so she’ll probably be back in a couple of seasons. Guess there’s no point in recapping her letter.

As Dr. Drew reminds us, their journey is just beginning. Recovery is a long process, and there’s always a chance of relapse. We’re reminded of the dangers of drug use with a quick “In Memoriam” of Mike Starr and Jeff Conaway, both who lost their lives this year. It’s a touching moment that can only be ruined by a shameless plug for Angels Fall’s new album, whose song “Yesterday’s Gone” plays in the background during the memoriam. Way to keep it classy, guys.

Regardless, we’ll see in the coming months who was really in it for the long haul, and who used this show  just to revive their careers. Good luck, everyone! I wish you the best of luck!

Check out last week’s recap here to get all caught up!