Minicap: Celebrity Rehab

Recaps

By TheNooch | Monday, June 27, 2011 | 9:35 am | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Celebrity Rehab, MiniCaps, Recaps

dr drew

If I wasn’t going to hell before, I’ve absolutely got a one-way ticket now. With every snarky recap I write for Celebrity Rehab Season 5, I will be earning myself more HELL points. Every word will bring me one step closer to fiery damnation, but who else is going to poke fun at the disease of addiction?

“The fight for sobriety begins again!” and Dr. Drew is going to fight with his brand new yellow spandex superhero disease fighting one-sie. He’s on a mission to eradicate the disease we know of as addiction or weakness and self-pity. He’s going to hold the hands of the best, most well-known celebrities like Michael Lohan who achieved fame by being Lindsay Lohan’s father and fucking her up royally so that America will never know where their Disney sweetheart went. Amy Fisher, a flash-in-the-pan tabloid celebrity who shot her boyfriend’s wife in the face. Jeremy Jackson, a side character on Baywatch who was lost in the sea of silicone. Jessica “Sugar” Kiper, a reality TV star, which is the best kind of legitimate celebrity. Bai Ling, an actress who plays ‘the hot Asian woman’ in every movie. Dwight “Doc” Gooden, a former baseball star. Steven Adler, from Guns N’ Roses. Sean Young, SPOILER ALERT: the woman who played a man in Ace Ventura Pet Detective.
I think part of the reason that these people began their substance abuse is because they never achieved full celebrity status.
If you want to go to hell in a hand basket, then I suggest you keep on following my recaps. However, if you would like to remain one with the Lord and walk in his footsteps, you should stick to The Bachelorette.

About

The nooch is 5 foot 3.  She hates sushi and once she watched a movie on Lifetime from start to finish without making a sarcastic comment.  Once.  That's all.

Listen to her talk on her podcast here: www.megaboomradio.com

20 Comments

  1. 1
    HeatherF
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Oh man oh man Nooch you have my attention!!! I haven’t watched the episode yet but great MINIrecap. lol

  2. 2
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Michael fuckin’ Lohan. Didn’t that human-shaped bag of fail say a while back that he wasn’t going to talk about his human-shaped bag of fail daughter a while back? And didn’t I see him in the headlines the other day running his mouth about her again? Dr. Drew can’t fix everything.

    Although the yellow spandex superhero disease-fighting onesie?? I think that thing would FLY off the shelves of every costume shop in a America come October. Know what? Fuck it… I ain’t waiting. I’m going home to start sewing mine right now.

  3. 3
    TheNooch
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Ha! “Human-shaped bag of fail”! That’s my new favorite phrase!
    Good luck with the onsie!

  4. 4
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 11:00 am

    I would say that while MOST of the people may have become addicts because they never achieved full celebrity status, addiction stole Dwight Gooden’s celebrity status and turned him into a cautionary tale.

    He was a huge in NYC his rookie season and was already screwing up his life by getting arrested two and half years later. Would that he stayed clean and sober he would have had a phenomenal career. Instead he’s just a “what if?”

    (Yes I’m a Mets fan.)

  5. 5
    dazzyfresh
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    The Hooch thank GOD, i thought this wasnt going to get recapped. Lets go to hell, but im NOT going first!!!!

  6. 6
    considerthis
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Sean Young and Baywatch Boy are addicted to FAME first and booze, cattle semen, and dried goat testicles second.

    Both have made horrific (heavy on the Whore-riffic)career choices just to be seen/fame??. Skating with the Stars and that one show about over the hill teen pin-ups trying to make a career come-back – so pathetic and humilitating I can’t recall the name of it. Help!

  7. 7
    HeatherF
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Confessions Of A Teen Idol, with Eric Nies that was hard to watch,, embarrassing sort of.

  8. 8
    Tmurda
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    I have been fighting addiction for years now, and happen to see it as much more than weakness and self-pity, BUT! As a fellow-recapper, AND fellow-asshole, I DEF see the humor in these screwed up headcases, as well as myself, so please, HAVE AT IT, Nooch!!!! I will be laughing along with you for the entirety of the season! Can’t wait!

  9. 9
    Betsy Furman
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    You poor thing. There is no one worth watching this show for this season. Not one of them is remotely interesting in any way. I wish they’d bring in some off-the-street crackheads just to give us some thing to watch.

  10. 10
    juddfan
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    i for one, am curious about Sean Young .. . . and who doesn’t love a human shaped bag of fail when it is dropped from a high place and seen splattered all over the sidewalk!

    My lawd, didn’t see this yet, but even in the commercial Lins’ dad was soooo incredibly fake.

  11. 11
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Dammit! The only place I can get enough yellow latex around here is a place called “Hubba Hubba”, and I’m afraid of tranvestites, so I can’t get farther than the parking lot. Maybe I could use 173 rubber gloves…

    On topic: some of these crackheads did have viable careers at one point. Michael Lohan has never done anything that I can recall. He’s like the lamprey of Hollywood. 1) Find a host, 2) Latch on, 3) Suck for as long as you can.

  12. 12
    BlueCanary
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Bai Ling?? BAI FUCKING “I-LIKE-THE-PRETTY-LIGHTS” LING?!??!? Oh Nooch, I am so along for this ride. Save the canary a seat in the handbasket, folks, because this will be fucked up but good!

  13. 13
    someguy
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    How did Dr.Drew and Vh1 get such a star studded cast? Star’s are just knocking themselves out to get on this show.I lost count of how many star’s have gone on this show quit drugs/behaviors in 28 days that they have been doing for ten to twenty years and get right back into Tv/movies.This show is a bigger stepping stone to super stardom then playboy.So many people good people who love to help people you can’t help but love them all.Good luck DOC G. The rest the sky is the limit.Hey Doggy from Bwatch I got an idea after the show runs out go to school get a job.Why go back on Tv that seems to be the cause of all your problems,I thought old Doc Drew really scraped last year but he has topped himself again.I hope they let Doggy work out/tiger’s woods g/F last year completely changed after lying around the pool in her Bikini really helpful.Sleep well Drew you keep topping yourself

  14. 14
    ChaCha
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Help! I can’t stop watching the train wreck called Celebrity Rehab! I’m powerless over Celeb Rehab and my life has become unmanageable.

  15. 15
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    @Juddfan..Michael Lohan was soooooooo fake! I watched his first sit down with Dr. Drew and it was so over the top.

    “I like to drink.”
    *collapses forward, head in hands*
    “My dad died.”
    *leans back, sighs, and keeps eyes trained on the ceiling, as if holding back tears*
    “He was an alcoholic, you know. Verbally abusive.”
    *head falls forward, nodding slowly. shoulder slumps*

    Was he reading director’s notes from one of Lindsay’s scripts? FAIL.

    I’m not even sure he is an addict. But hey, they had Tiger Woods’ jump-off on last season saying she was addicted to love, so I guess anything goes..when it comes to booking D-list celebrities.

    Think I have a chance on the show? I’m addicted to Salt & Vinegar chips, ginger ale, and ranch sunflower seeds. I needz help (and a check)…stat! Call my manager and let’s work something out. You know, for sobriety’s sake.

  16. 16
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted June 28, 2011 at 7:48 am

    I’m addicted to trying to parse the thoughts in someguy’s posts.

    But sometimes I just say the hell with it and go out to score some crank.

  17. 17
    HeatherF
    Posted June 28, 2011 at 8:31 am

    I feel bad for Amy Fisher….plus does she really have an alcohol problem?? I just figured if you aren’t drinking alone in your house being all tragic then it’s not really a problem. She said she doesn’t drink at home.

  18. 18
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 28, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Pretty sure that chronic blackouts from drinking is just as tragic as drinking alone at home. At least when you blackout at home you can’t also get in a car and kill someone. So, yeah, if she’s being honest (which, gurr please, you’re from Long Islan, you knew what a blackout was when you were five years old) she is an alcoholic.

  19. 19
    HeatherF
    Posted June 28, 2011 at 9:06 am

    That’s what Im saying, I don’t think this is honest, why is she pretending like she doesn’t know what a black out is, they are all desperate to be in front of the camera.

  20. 20
    juddfan
    Posted June 28, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Must remember to watch . . . but tell me, is Joey Buttafucco going to show up later, ala Heidi Fleiss and Tom Sizemore? I would think it would almost be a stipulation to, you know, smooth over the whole celebrity thing in her case. I guess she is a porn star now, I guess that counts.

    Thanks for that accounting Sacra . . . At least I’m somewhat prepared . . . and if it gets too much, I shall blast “Daughter to Father” over the audio . . . LOL!!!

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