If I wasn’t going to hell before, I’ve absolutely got a one-way ticket now. With every snarky recap I write for Celebrity Rehab Season 5, I will be earning myself more HELL points. Every word will bring me one step closer to fiery damnation, but who else is going to poke fun at the disease of addiction?
“The fight for sobriety begins again!” and Dr. Drew is going to fight with his brand new yellow spandex superhero disease fighting one-sie. He’s on a mission to eradicate the disease we know of as addiction or weakness and self-pity. He’s going to hold the hands of the best, most well-known celebrities like Michael Lohan who achieved fame by being Lindsay Lohan’s father and fucking her up royally so that America will never know where their Disney sweetheart went. Amy Fisher, a flash-in-the-pan tabloid celebrity who shot her boyfriend’s wife in the face. Jeremy Jackson, a side character on Baywatch who was lost in the sea of silicone. Jessica “Sugar” Kiper, a reality TV star, which is the best kind of legitimate celebrity. Bai Ling, an actress who plays ‘the hot Asian woman’ in every movie. Dwight “Doc” Gooden, a former baseball star. Steven Adler, from Guns N’ Roses. Sean Young, SPOILER ALERT: the woman who played a man in Ace Ventura Pet Detective.
I think part of the reason that these people began their substance abuse is because they never achieved full celebrity status.
If you want to go to hell in a hand basket, then I suggest you keep on following my recaps. However, if you would like to remain one with the Lord and walk in his footsteps, you should stick to The Bachelorette.