Minicap: Drag Race

Recaps

By vallegirl | Tuesday, January 29, 2013 | 10:06 am | 32 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Drag Race, MiniCaps, Recaps

Touch this! Touch ALL this!

Well awright, awright, Gasmii! The queens are back! Are you excited? I know I am! So let’s dive right in.

The queens mince and prance their way into the workroom wearing their Saturday Night Best, all certain that she, and only she, has what it takes because she’s fierce and awesome and HEEEY! Ru knows a good thing when she sees one and remembers to cast a gorgeous Boricua, an adorably sassy Asian and more bitches than the Westminster Kennel Club dog show.

Standouts to me were Detox, because she’s friends with both Raja AND Willam, so she’s likely to both make the finale and INFURIATE!!! all the fans who, for some reason, want this to be RuPaul’s Montessori Race, Jade Jolie because out of drag she looks like her drag persona’s bookish lesbian twin, Ivy Winters because I pegged her as the first to go home (clearly I am no Nate Silver), Vivienne Pinay because she is really working that Bettie Page pinup look, Alaska because she’s Sharon’s “girlfriend with a penis,” Jinkx Monsoon because she’s Tammie Brown without the charm but with more crazy, and Lineysha Sparx because she looks like Tyra Sanchez but with a personality.

Then, oh gurr…there’s a real-life, bona fide, Dynasty-level blood feud between Coco Montrese and Alyssa Edwards. I wonder which one is the Alexis?

Vs.

At first, I would have pegged Coco as the Alexis because I think she’s wearing one of Joan Collins’ outfits from the show, but later on Alyssa showed why she’s being foreshadowed as one of the primary bitches of the season. We shall see.

Jason and Shawn and their teeny, tiny briefs are back as the Pit Crew, and since it’s the premiere here comes Mike Ruiz and his camera to shoot the queens underwater, because Ru remembers how memorable it was on season 3 of ANTM when poor Shandi looked like a puffer fish. And the queens don’t disappoint. Some are surprisingly adept at posing underwater but most look like bullfrogs.

Then, for the main challenge, the queens take a Starline tour of Los Angeles and perform an old-fashioned production number where we get to see this season’s judges including bugnut crazy Juliette Lewis and…OMG, guys! It’s the alpha and the omega of glitzy, glittery, sparkly Cherwear…BOB FUCKING MACKIE!!!! Because any man who can first design this:

And then this:

Is truly an American hero and I salute you, Mr. Mackie!

After a lovely day of roasting in the SoCal sun, they meet up with Camille Grammer at Marco Marco in Beverly Hills and the “Make Your Own Costume” challenge is to design a red carpet look by dumpster diving on Rodeo Drive, because their trash is sparkly,covered in sequins and features RuPaul’s line of Iron Fist shoes. There are some great looks and even the loser looks aren’t as sad as Jiggly’s baked potato couture from last season. Then,  this season’s Phi Phi  rears her tiny, ugly head when Serena ChaCha shows just how little self-awareness the average 21-year-old has.

Pages: 1 2
vallegirl
About

Vallegirl has never actually lived in a valley, has a lot of time on her hands and likes to yell at kids about how things were in her day.  Currently in LA, she's also spent a lot of time in the great states of  New York and Florida so she's not crazy, it's just a cultural thing.

32 Comments

  1. 1
    juddfan juddfan
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 10:16 am

    For the first time ever, I thought Ru might actually be a bitch . . . I’m gonna guess she had no say in the “voted” contestant, but, Valle, you tell me, did she seethe every time she spoke to Penny Tration . . . and was she condescending. “Well, you ran quite a campaign!”

    I’ll wait on the rest. I’m still getting to know the names etc . . .

  2. 2
    Stacia
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Hooray!!! I couldn’t contain the little pookie dance I did when I saw that your minicap was up, Vallegirl!! Then again, my heart’s been all a-pookie in anticipation of season 5 for a little while now!! Alas that I wasn’t born a man and could therefore be drag queen!! I love exclamation points!! Can’t wait for your recaps this season…

  3. 3
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 11:03 am

    I’m already loving this new cast of queens.
    My early favorites are Coco Montrese, Vivenne Pinay, Roxxxy, LINEYSHA (bitch was robbed this episode) and Detox.

    I thought Alyssa was pretty in drag, but I don’t like her personality at all.
    And Serena. Serena Serena….she really fancies herself the second coming of Raja.
    And I need to see receipts concerning her art school education because that crap about soft sculpture and how you paint the details first (shit doesn’t even make no damn sense) was not the talk of a properly trained artist. That’s how someone who went to a few free classes at the local community center and now considers themselves the next DaVinci talks. That’s how Squidward talks.
    She better stop playing.

  4. 4
    PacoSauce
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Well it only took me half of an episode to get tired of contestants comparing Alaska to Sharon. Gotta love how they (and by “they” I mean Alyssa) think they’re being so witty, when I’m positive that Alaska has heard every comment in the book.

  5. 5
    Lee
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    not to be nitpicky, but the underwater shoot was Cycle 2 not Cycle 3, But I’m glad i’m not the only that immediately thought of that shoot when they started doing the underwater thing on Drag Race.

  6. 6
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Soooo happy the Race is back!! Once again, Puerto Rico R.E.P.R.E.S.E.N.T.S. – Nina Flowers blazed the trail and another striking Queen has followed the path that leads to Ru.

    Ass-lissa is SUCH a bitch – and I hate her Chad Michaels/Cher way of running her tongue over her horse teeth and tossing her hair. I mean, damn, I had an overbite the size of the cliffs of Dover when I was a kid, and even I know that magnifying your undersized chin with too-large veneers ain’t cute.

    Someone needs to bend that young’un over their knee. Speaking of, did anyone catch the new supersized PeePee O’Hara in the Absolut commercial? Gurl needs to lay off the cake…

  7. 7
    April
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    I am LIVING for this season! My favs are Detox which I was a fan of hers before Drag Race from the “Chow Down at Chickfila” video. I also like Jade Jolie and her Lisa Frank realness. I also like Vivienne Pinay.

    I am currently reading Rupaul’s book loaned to me by my gay Dad. Her tips are spot on in that book for being more confidant and beautiful inside and out. Werk!

    I was disappointed in Alaska for her whining during the photo shoot. I have mad respect from her but I don’t like quitters. Try even if you drown like Jinx over there practically did.

    The prettiest ones are Lineysha and Vivienne. I like Ivy in boy form. His little hair and sass in his guy form are the most!

    So excited about the recaps and gabbing about it with you tvgasm folks.

    For those that don’t know the feud between Alyssa and Coco has something to do with Alyssa winning Miss Gay America and was dethroned for unconfirmed reasons but it was believed not fulfilling obligations or something. So then first runner up Coco took the title in her place. Then yet another pageant Alyssa won and then was dethroned. Yikes. Vanessa Willams indeed!

  8. 8
    April
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    Chaosbutterfly: You and I think alike when it comes to Serena. I cannot STAND her! I was like “Bitch go home now!” That outfit on the runway was the ugliest thing on the history of Rupaul’s Drag Race and I am not picky at all about the fashion aspect. If it glitters I normally love it. But that thing made me gag and not in a good way.

    Jeez I am talking more and more like a gay man!

  9. 9
    VelocityBird
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    To add a bit more fuel to the info fire about Alyssa/Coco: http://dragshowcase.blogspot.com/2010/01/miss-gay-america-2010-alyssa-edwards.html

    I’m sure she has skills – but Alyssa and her overbite are so Tati, it’s almost distracting.

    I am on board that Serena has got to gooowwwww. I don’t know what art school she attended, (maybe the “Draw Tuffy” school off a matchbook cover), but I DID go to art school, and they do NOT teach what she claims they preach. (Soft sculpture, my @ss!!!)

    I think Alaska is under so much pressure to win, place AND show that she’s probably freaking out about every little thing. I don’t agree with the RuQueens that Alaska is trying to “be like” Sharon, though. Anyone who has checked them out knows that they have always had similar drag styles…probably why they get along so well. But still, the pressure to win has got to be FIERCE.

    Looking forward to a wild ride this season, y’all!!!!

  10. 10
    Miss Molly
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    Another season of watching Michelle Visage and her drag penis envy.
    I swear she wishes she could tuck.

  11. 11
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    “I am currently reading Rupaul’s book loaned to me by my gay Dad. Her tips are spot on in that book for being more confidant and beautiful inside and out. Werk!”

    Aw man, I’m jealous.
    I tried to read it on my nook, but the book kept making the nook crash. Too much fabulosity, it couldn’t take it. :(

    And about her runway look…woo chile.
    I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck that was supposed to be.
    I think she just spent so much time on that ugly ass skirt that she had no top on runway day and literally had to strap something together.
    And her hair. And her makeup. And that ruff. WOO CHILE I CAN’T.

  12. 12
    April
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    Chaosbutterfly: I know right?! That wig was HIDEOUS! The makeup was HIDEOUS! I think the only reason they are going to keep her around for a while is because it causes good drama because all the other Queens hate her and her lack of style. I am with them!

    My husband actually watched the first couple minutes of it with me and thought Serena was a real lady. He said if he met her in a club he might be in trouble because he would not notice she was a dude. He said the same for Jade. Serena was pretty in the pink dress but her picture sucked and her second look was the worst thing in Drag Race history. WORST!

    I saw a very cute online youtube of Jade doing a cute Alice in Wonderland thing and I loved it. She captivates me. I can’t tell if I find her annoying or talented and I switch back and forth. I really like her though. Her laugh can wear on you after awhile though.

    Detox is my fav and I pick top 3 if not winner.

    The Rupaul book with all the pictures and script going across two pages really needs to be read in true book form. She mostly has a lot of the gowns and looks from I think it was 2nd or 3rd season.

  13. 13
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    Is it just me or does Jade remind anyone else of Marjorie from ANTM?

  14. 14
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    I already hate Coco, another Phi Phi- phew. The little guy that had to LSFYL- Looked like the judges said, a little boy in woman’s clothes, whateva- Good luck Buddy

    No comments on Roxxy? I like him, if only he was straight, I think he/she is adorable!

    So happy Drag Race is back, I do think of all the years for the most part, most of those chosen are gorgeous

    Can’t wait for the full recap, Vallegirl, we have much to discuss

  15. 15
    April
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    I do actually see Roxxy as a top contender. His looks look very polished. He is cute in boy form too. He could be the first more full figured winner.

  16. 16
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    I immediately love Jade only for her Pink Power Ranger T-shirt. I want to be her BFF so I can borrow it.

  17. 17
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    Yay, vallegirl, so glad you’re back on duty with the queens!

    I have to say, having seen Roxxxy in person when she did her step-down after winning Miss Continental Plus, she is NO fucking joke, that bitch can put together an outfit, hair, production number, it’s no surprise to me at all that she won that title (and she’s right, she was much heavier back then, but then Continental Plus IS a pageant for big girls).

    I am so excited the show is back, can’t wait for your recaps… and I have to say I am sorry you have to deal with the extra of “Untucked”, which is a lot like the extra crap I get thrown at over on Top Chef with “Last Chance Kitchen”… but at least “Untucked” is INTERESTING, which is not something we can really say about LCK, LOLOL

    love, J-Mo :)

  18. 18
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    Jade Jolie is a porn star. Tristan Everhard, a baby faced power bottom. #alltallshade

    I’m so excited for this season and Vallegirl’s recaps!!!!

    Alyssa is a mix of Phi Phi and Rebecca’s Glasscock. I’m rolling my eyes already.
    Vivianne is Jujubee in cheaper drag, lacking charm, and sporting a Disney prince jawline. Ain’t nothin’ fishy about that.
    Jinks is Tammie Brown in Pandora’s clothes. But I think she’s gonna grow on me.

    Saving more for later.. I’m scweepy. *yawn*

  19. 19
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    “Jade Jolie is a porn star. Tristan Everhard, a baby faced power bottom”

    -googles Tristan Everhard -
    *record scratch*
    I’m sorry, what?

  20. 20
    April
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 4:06 am

    Oh Dear Lord. I kinda wish I did not know what I now know…thanks sarcastatire.

  21. 21
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 6:45 am

    *snickers*
    I didn’t know you were gonna google it..just take mah word for it!
    He’s still a super-cute drag queen, Nazi porn, aside.
    A little too bitchy to Serena in Untucked but since Serena was bitchy to everyone else, I’ll give Jade a pass for that.

  22. 22
    VelocityBird
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 8:10 am

    No issue with Jade for her porn life (gurl gotta pay the rent), but heyyyy, that “unicorns and rainbows” dish she was serving didn’t seem legit…now we know why.

  23. 23
    Stacia
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Did anyone else think that Alyssa (in drag) resembles Teresa of RHONJ? Couldn’t quite place WHY exactly (did she have a Neanderthal hairline? was it just the excessive eye-lining?), but something about her said Mrs. Brown Smurf to me…

  24. 24
    seepansy
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Every season I think to myself, “It won’t be as good as last season. There’s no one to root for.” And then by the end, I’m loving everyone…except for the ones I HATE (lookin’ at you, Phi Phi). I’m so excited after the travesty that was All Stars!

  25. 25
    juddfan juddfan
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    @April and Pat Ledoux-I’ll join you on the Roxxxy train, just adorable out of drag!!!

    Good to hear she’s earned your respect too, J-mo!

    Did I mention one of my “barbies” is named Penny Tration . . . no wonder I’m so defensive!!!

  26. 26
    aaarrrggg!!!
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    I googled Tristan Everhard and got results. my, my… and he wasn’t the bottom in some of shots (no pun intended) I saw.

  27. 27
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    @Seepansy, so glad somebody brought up the all-sucks travesty. Ugh.

    VGirl, so glad to have you back to guide us along another session of the Phab Phemmes.

    It is just so cozy to curl up and dish. I feel like Ya’ll are fambily.

  28. 28
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Hey party people! So glad to see everyone back…and now I have to apologize, first for forgetting all about Roxxxy, who is cute as a button as a boy and works it like the rent is due in drag.

    But also to let you know…I might (will) be a wee bit late with the ‘cap but feel free to keep talking amongst yourselves. Except for you sarcasatire. You can’t say someone’s a porn star and NOT expect us to google. Although I am amused that someone gif’d a porno.

  29. 29
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    ^ When I say I was transfixed by that gif….woo chile.
    It was like being a mouse, looking into the eyes of a snake.

  30. 30
    blueberrypancake
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 6:00 am

    Love the mix of girls this season.
    Roxxxy was giving me a Shannel vibe as both boy and girl…which is fine with me! I am a fan.
    Lynesha and Ivy are contenders as well.
    I don’t get the Alyssa love, I find it hard to believe that she is Shangela’s drag mom!? Alyssa gives bitch like it’s her job!

    Alaska is a wanna be sharon…. sorry… not getting the love for her.

    Ohhh and the sleeper is Honey Mahogany —her LaBeja runway was hawt!!

  31. 31
    badgerfreak
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 6:50 am

    It seems like the girls are already tired of Alyssa and Coco biting at each other. Bitches be cray. But I’m in love with this season already. I’m getting a real Raven feel from Detox and I love her for it. She may be a bit of a bitch, but she’s honest and blunt and isn’t gonna talk shit behind your back, she’ll say it to your busted face.
    I wanna see some Jinxk shenanigans with her narcolepsy. LOVE.
    Roxxxy is awesome and amazing. Werk that body girl.
    I’m so excited to see someone do Edith Beale for the Snatch game!!!!

  32. 32
    Sunny
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 9:15 am

    Detox is my favorite queen so far! I agree that she has a very Raven-esque demeanor and that hat/underwater photo were fabulous!

    A bit disappointed with Alaska. I’ll be honest, Sharon was *my girl* so I was on pins and needles to see her beau. I don’t know if she was overeager, felt she had to fill Sharon’s shoes or what but she just came off like she was trying way too hard to be \different\. For better or worse, Sharon always felt honest and real. Hopefully Alaska will relax soon! I had reservations about the trashbag dress in the workroom but it was really amazing on the runway.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.