Touch this! Touch ALL this!
Well awright, awright, Gasmii! The queens are back! Are you excited? I know I am! So let’s dive right in.
The queens mince and prance their way into the workroom wearing their Saturday Night Best, all certain that she, and only she, has what it takes because she’s fierce and awesome and HEEEY! Ru knows a good thing when she sees one and remembers to cast a gorgeous Boricua, an adorably sassy Asian and more bitches than the Westminster Kennel Club dog show.
Standouts to me were Detox, because she’s friends with both Raja AND Willam, so she’s likely to both make the finale and INFURIATE!!! all the fans who, for some reason, want this to be RuPaul’s Montessori Race, Jade Jolie because out of drag she looks like her drag persona’s bookish lesbian twin, Ivy Winters because I pegged her as the first to go home (clearly I am no Nate Silver), Vivienne Pinay because she is really working that Bettie Page pinup look, Alaska because she’s Sharon’s “girlfriend with a penis,” Jinkx Monsoon because she’s Tammie Brown without the charm but with more crazy, and Lineysha Sparx because she looks like Tyra Sanchez but with a personality.
Then, oh gurr…there’s a real-life, bona fide, Dynasty-level blood feud between Coco Montrese and Alyssa Edwards. I wonder which one is the Alexis?
At first, I would have pegged Coco as the Alexis because I think she’s wearing one of Joan Collins’ outfits from the show, but later on Alyssa showed why she’s being foreshadowed as one of the primary bitches of the season. We shall see.
Jason and Shawn and their teeny, tiny briefs are back as the Pit Crew, and since it’s the premiere here comes Mike Ruiz and his camera to shoot the queens underwater, because Ru remembers how memorable it was on season 3 of ANTM when poor Shandi looked like a puffer fish. And the queens don’t disappoint. Some are surprisingly adept at posing underwater but most look like bullfrogs.
Then, for the main challenge, the queens take a Starline tour of Los Angeles and perform an old-fashioned production number where we get to see this season’s judges including bugnut crazy Juliette Lewis and…OMG, guys! It’s the alpha and the omega of glitzy, glittery, sparkly Cherwear…BOB FUCKING MACKIE!!!! Because any man who can first design this:
And then this:
Is truly an American hero and I salute you, Mr. Mackie!
After a lovely day of roasting in the SoCal sun, they meet up with Camille Grammer at Marco Marco in Beverly Hills and the “Make Your Own Costume” challenge is to design a red carpet look by dumpster diving on Rodeo Drive, because their trash is sparkly,covered in sequins and features RuPaul’s line of Iron Fist shoes. There are some great looks and even the loser looks aren’t as sad as Jiggly’s baked potato couture from last season. Then, this season’s Phi Phi rears her tiny, ugly head when Serena ChaCha shows just how little self-awareness the average 21-year-old has.