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Patriot Week offers a cornucopia of stars, stripes, and spangled every damn thing, and features our fine stars trying to out-America each other, even though half the folks onstage are about as American as the Dalai Lama. And what would Dancing With the Stars be without Bruno’s thrusting pelvis? A sad, sad, Unamerican thing, that’s what.
The results show for patriot week features very little discernible patriotism, unless you count two (TWO!) Toby Keith songs and a big ode to New York City, presented by a department store that rhymes with the name of the dancer who’s always flashing her cervix at us. What, is that not specific enough? Fine. They also have a big parade on Thanksgiving Day, and, more to the point, no one can afford to shop in their stores in this economy. You happy now, product placement whores department store?
Who will go home tonight? Will it be the all-American Disney star? The All-American centerfold? The non-American model? Is the NFL more patriotic than the WWE? And WHY wuld they put My Schnookums in a glittery cowboy hat? Stay tuned for the results recap later this week to learn the answer to these burning questions and find out which one of the stars is shunned by this great nation.