Minicap: Glamour Belles

Hooray! It’s the last two episodes of “Glamour Belles!” Or at least I hope so. I could have sworn they said Lifetime only ordered six episodes of this baloney.

So in episode five, we have our standard clients: a second-time bride wants a cheap, no-frills wedding dress cuz she blew all her cash on the first wedding, a demanding teen pageant princess needs a dress hemmed like, right now for a pageant tomorrow, and an even more demanding 8-year-old fights with her mom over what kind of dress she wants.

Here’s the details in a hundred words or less:

1. Celeste needs her wedding dress hemmed so she doesn’t trip in the sand. She’s nervous about them cutting it too short but if it doesn’t work out, she can always find the perfect dress for wedding #3.
   
2. Fifteen-year-old Savannah’s dress is ripped at the slit and she needs it stitched so her coochie doesn’t hang out during the pageant. You would think it would help, but…
   
3. Jada’s mom has HORRIBLE taste and wants her to wear some sort of sequin curtain. It’s sad that kids can’t pick their parents. Luckily, Paige intervenes and saves the day!
   

99 words people! Damn, I am good!

And yeah, there’s a Jared and Joann story. Jared is forced to clean out the attic, which contains a ton of old dresses that will never see the runway. After having a diva meltdown, Jared finally agrees to get his hands dirty and organize the space. All he really has to do is put the dresses on hangers, but when Joann gets wind of the plan, she flips out as well. Many of those dresses are hers, and even though they haven’t been touched in years, she wants to make sure they stay that way. Just like her vag—you know what, I’m not going to go there. I choose to keep it classy.

So early on in the cleanup process, Joann grabs a few outfits, hurls several insults Jared’s way and high-tails it out of there. But not before reminding Paige that any of her dresses housed at Joann’s are not to be discarded – and you won’t want to know what she’s capable of if she finds out they were.

Of course, we’ll never know. Joann is MIA the rest of the episode. Maybe she’s run out of insults or she’s having her bunions removed, but what she thinks of the organization process, we’ll never know, BECAUSE SHE NEVER, EVER COMES BACK!

In the next episode, Joann is nowhere to be found either. I think they’ve finally gotten rid of her. For those of you celebrating Easter this weekend, praise Jesus! And for the rest of you, celebrate her absence in your own, non-denominational way.

Unfortunately, the absence of Joann means a lack of drama. But there seems to be an ongoing theme: sibling rivalry. Or at least, that’s my interpretation of it. This episode features two pairs of sisters who are both competing in pageants in one way or another. Now most of you might just see this as a heartwarming episode about family and the support sisters have for one another. But for the rest of us, it’s a painful reminder of growing up as a frumpy, un-athletic middle child of average intelligence who constantly lives in the shadows of her attractive, fit and brilliant older sister and her gorgeous, even more fit and ridiculously charming younger sister.

Yeah, I’ll admit, I didn’t date much in high school.

The first sister pairing involves Kaitlin, a teen pageant queen and previous customer featured on “Glamour Belles.” Now it’s her sister’s turn to take a stab at pageantry. Well, actually, her mom is forcing her to do it. Just to please her, Alexandria will give it a try. But low and behold, she looks spectacular in her dress. Even her boyfriend, who’s forced to come to the dress shop, is speechless. But will she win?

The second pair of sisters is a set of blond, blue-eyed twins. But before you start drooling, boys, these are un-developed pre-teens with a back story that will tug at your heart strings. Both were born prematurely, and one has had seven brain surgeries in the past year. Yeah, I said seven. Some things have to be kept sacred, so you’ll have to wait for the full recap to hear the rest of the story. But if you still choose to fantasize about these two, just know you are a sick, sick bastard.

Yes, there is one more customer in this episode, but she’s not as important. Oh, and Jared and Stephanie get in a sexy spray-paint fight while trying to decorate the store window. But since Joann never shows up, everything turns out ok in the end.

Full recaps should be up soon. In the meantime, go forward and prosper, no matter how much your sibling is better that you. And if you must multiply, please, please don’t ever pit your girls against each other in one of these pageants. It will scar them for life.

Here’s a pageant question for all the kiddies out there (and those of you adults who still aren’t sure what you want to do with your life):

What do you want to be when you grow up? Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not as good as (insert sister’s name here). Did you know she got straight A’s and made the varsity volleyball team this year? Yeah, she’s the best…