Minicap: Gossip Girl

Gossip Slife here.  Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl.  After last week’s amazeballs episode, I didn’t exactly have high hopes going into the penultimate episode of the season.  And I must say, the first twenty minutes or so still managed to prove pretty underwhelming.  Shamless plugs for Vitamin Water, Joe Zee, and Dylan’s Candy Bar?  Lame fashion and lamer dialogue?  (Nate: “Don’t worry, I’m already gone.”)  Even the return of Upchuck’s nefarious Uncle Jack lacked serious sizzle.

But then, something miraculous happened.  The episode got good.  Like, RILLY good!  The writers turned up the volume, and this episode went to ELEVEN!  Charlie decided to ditch her crazy meds, and dove head first into a big pile of cray cray.  She stole Slutina’s dress, Slutina’s hair, and Slutina’s ex, and tried to go all pornstar on Dan!  And her antics were enough to unite sworn enemies Slutina and Manessa in an effort to take her down!

Despite Blair’s efforts to suck up to Princess Sophie, Louis’ mom was no dummy, and warned her son that his future bride to be was having difficulty tearing herself away from former flame Chuck Bass.  And Blair’s continued lies did nothing to quell Louis’ fears, leading to a tense scene between the betrothed at their engagement party.

Meanwhile, it seemed like Raina, Uncle Jack, Russell Thorpe, and even clueless Nate were conspiring against Upchuck in an attempt to have him committed against his will.  But in a shocking twist, it was Chuck, Jack, and Nate working in cahoots against Russell, to prove that HE was really the one behind the fire that killed Raina’s mother!!

And in what might be the season’s best cliffhanger, the major storylines of the season managed to converge on a rooftop in Brooklyn, with Russell luring Blair into a trap in order to seek revenge against Upchuck!!  Holy SHIZ-cakes!  Stay tuned for the full recap!!