Minicap: Gossip Girl

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. So, the fourth season drew to a close, and I feel a little conflicted about how it all went down.

The cameo-heavy episode (hello, Michelle Trachtenberg and Gossip Girl author Cecily von Ziegesar) picked up where the last one left off: with Charlie off her crazy meds and Russell holding Blair hostage. But whatever tension those cliffhangers set in motion was quickly dispelled. Slutina literally talked Charlie off the ledge of a window, and Chuck and Raina burst in on Russell and had him arrested before he and Blair burst into flames.

Trouble-making Whoregina Sparks showed up (why the hell was she at the St. Jude alumni gala?! She never even went there!) and was an utter waste of time. Aside from setting up a potential storyline for her next season, methinks the writers only brought her back to spark the audience’s curiosity and drum up publicity.

Chuck and Blair then slow-mo danced their way through a crashed bar mitzvah (WTF?!) before boning in the coat closet. And just when you thought Blair was going to give Prince Louis the old heave-ho, Upchuck conceded defeat and let Blair have her “happily ever after.”

Things didn’t get good until literally, the last five minutes. Manessa left for Spain (FINALLY!!) but not before she stole Dan’s debut novel, a searing satire of the Upper East Side, and had it anonymously published. Slutina left to spend the summer “finding herself” in California, and two seconds off the plane, she finds herself a job reading scripts for director David O. Russell. (Only in Hollywood!) Charlie left to go back home to her mom in Miami, only to reveal that she never was crazy! In fact, Carol was never her mother!! And she was never really Charlie!!! Yup, turns out she’s a con artist named Ivy, and Carol hired her in some elaborate scam to get her hands on the Rhodes trust fund money!! Meanwhile, Blair left for Monaco … with someone’s bun in her oven!! So many burning questions! Stay tuned for the full recap!