MiniCap: Gossip Girl

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. It has been six long weeks since we’ve had a fresh, new episode, and I hate to say it – but absence did NOT make this heart grow fonder! When we last left off, Lily had turned herself in to the authorities for forging Slutina’s signature on the affidavit that sent Bensitive to prison, Chuck had successfully run Russell Thorpe out of town, and Dan and Blair finally gave in to a secret, sexy smooch. Flash forward a few weeks, and the kiss turned out to be a whole lotta nada, Lily’s biggest debacle is taking a family photo, and William van der Woodsen is pretty lame when it comes to villainy.

Yes, William and Cici have come to town to rally support for Lily in her hour of paparazzi-hounding need. Lily decides to take her mind off of her criminal woes and possible prison time by becoming preoccupied with taking a family portrait for some ridiculous coffee table book about “modern royalty.” This is only the weakest of plot devices employed by the writers in order to introduce Lily’s black sheep sister Carol and her GORGEOUS daughter, aka new trouble-making vixen Charlie, played by Kaycee DeFer.

Now, as much as I love me some fresh, young blood on this show, DeFer plays the less-fortunate cousin of Slutina with such wide-eyed innocence and longing right out of the gate that you can smell the All About Eve / Single White Female storyline coming 1,000 miles away. It’s literally a countdown before she’s fingering Slutina’s clothes and expensive perfume bottles, trying on her Louboutins, and hungrily eying Dan Humphrey. And no offense, but 90210 did the psycho roomy stalker WAY better earlier this season…

In other news, Chuck uses Epperly to suss out why Blair has been so cold and distant with him lately. Dan confesses about the kiss to Eric, and an eavesdropping Manessa is so outraged that she blabs to Slutina! Oh, and snoozefest Nate is still dating Raina, who suddenly has the urge to try and track down her mother, only unbeknownst to her, she died in a fire started by Upchuck’s father! Can’t wait for that shocker to rear its ugly head! (Should make for a much more interesting ep!) Anyhoo, stay tuned for the full recap!!