Minicap: Hell’s Kitchen Returns!

Recaps

By NouveauPoor | Wednesday, March 13, 2013 | 1:32 pm | 20 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Hell's Kitchen, Recaps

It’s baaaaa-aaaaack!

Hey there Gasmii!  Hell’s Kitchen returns for it’s 11th season and it looks like it’s going to be so much fun! I’m hard at work on the full recap but until then here’s basically what happened last night.

First we see all the comptetitors arriving at LAX where they board the Hell’s Kitchen minibus…only to return to the airport.  Wha huh?  It seems this season the chefs will prepare and serve their signature dishes in fabulous sunny Las Vegas!

After the quick flight, the chefs take a sightseeing tour down the Strip in an open-air double decker bus, eventually arriving at Caesar’s Palace where they learn they’ll be cooking NOW, in front of a LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE!

How Iron Chef/Most Recent Top Chef Finale of you, HK. 

The chefs overcome obstacles such as an overly crowded kitchen, jet lag and wedge heels to prepare their dishes.

There are more chefs this season than in any past season – 10 women and 10 men.  As usual, they are divided by gender into the Red Team (the ladies) and the Blue Team (the men).  They present their signature dishes to his eminence, Chef Gordon Ramsey (who will be referred to as CGR unless a better name emerges), in the classic head-to-head style, with the chef having the better of the two dishes earning a point for their team.

The chefs are rightfully apprehensive, given that they’ve had 10 prior seasons to see CGR’s cringe-inducing critiques. One chef tries to run offstage with his dish to avoid the inevitable beat down. Another asks for a moment to pray, using the time to plead “Lord, please don’t let Chef bust my balls.”  Moving.

Two by two they present their dishes, eliciting comments from CGR ranging from “perfectly cooked” and “well-seasoned” to “did you get this from the buffet” (not a compliment) and “did you throw up on this plate?”

I didn’t think it looked THAT bad.

CGR plays fast and loose with the scoring rules, giving both teams a point in some instances and neither team a point in even more, setting us up for a real nail biter as the teams are tied headed into the final pairing.

No pressure

The reward for the winning team is pretty amazing; they get the VIP treatment for the next few hours at Caesar’s Palace, including a suite with champagne and a mini-feast.

And this really awesome HK ice sculpture.

People who can craft things like that are so talented. And also have far too much time on their hands. The winning team also gets to see Celine Dion perform that night, and they even get to meet her before the show. Fun!

On the flip side, the losers are forced to return to Hell’s Kitchen in this:

And the air conditioning is conveniently broken.

As if the eight-plus hour bus ride through Death Valley with no air conditioning weren’t awful enough, one of the members of the losing team talks and talks and talks and talks. And then talks some more. And I know they’re all still trying to be polite and whatnot – they just met that morning – but I don’t understand why no one screams out “STFU ALREADY!!!!!”

The winning team gets to fly back to LA, and actually makes it to the dorms before the losing team rolls up in their bus. It’s 1am, and while most of the chefs are studying the menu in preparation for their first service the next day, one chef shows the extent of their insanity by annoying the crap out of everyone with this:

It’s a toss-up between who’s creepier: the puppet or the puppeteer

Everyone gets up early after being up all night and they head down to the kitchen to see the fancy equipment. One of the ladies has an episode of some sort and requests a medic, which hilariously results in people frantically screaming “MEDIC!” all about the set until one finally arrives. After her evaluation, I’m pretty sure she really just needs a psychiatrist. And/or a straightjacket.

Loony tunes, this one.

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NouveauPoor

Shrunk right out of the middle class, NouveauPoor is a former full-time patent attorney in her third year of severe underemployment.  Following a tough decision to stop paying for cable, she found solace in TVgasm recaps and is thrilled to become a part of such a talented team of snark.  She is currently living in Las Vegas with her three-year-old daughter.

20 Comments

  1. 1
    Tapnfeet99
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    I vote for calling Gordon THE PUG because he reminds me of one.

  2. 2
    Tapnfeet99
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    Although most people say he looks like a bulldog, so that could work too.

  3. 3
    speegee
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Hahaha I emailed a friend earlier about this episode and basically wrote the same exact thing you did about the guy who could not repeat back the order, complete with script. It was just unbelievable. I mean come on! A three year old can repeat what someone says!

    Gordon Ramsay is always G-Ram to me. Although that looks like “gram.”

  4. 4
    Scooby
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    G-Ram to me also.

  5. 5
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    The “cooks” on this show get progressivley more stupid each season. And given the level of stupidity at which they started, that’s is really saying something.

  6. 6
    chooch850 chooch850
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    G-Ram here too. I loved this 1st episode, well 2nd episode too. So much stupidity in one season… delightful!

  7. 7
    Holyterror
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    I call him “Tips,” because sometimes his frosted hair drives me crazy, and I can’t get the image out of my mind of him in one of those little plastic caps with holes in the top that you pull the hairs through to do a home frosting job.

  8. 8
    Andyourlitteldogtoo
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    Well it’s hard to fully know what I think about last night’s show because Charter scheduled it in a two hour block but the DVR insisted it ended after one hour. I didn’t catch the problem until the thirty minute mark in the second hour. The DVR still called it a two hour show but you have to manually show up at the hour mark to start recording again, apparently. Pissed off.

    My favorite chef was the one who stood around doing nothing and spent a large amount of time during service looking for her hidden bottle of ‘water’. If that’s not vodka she’s stashing around the kitchen then she’s just a big ol’ nutball. When she was kicked out of the kitchen she TH’d that she was happy to go upstairs and ‘rehydrate’ instead of, you know, completing service.

    Puppetgirl with her fake Sicilian gangster threats and fugue states is interesting. Interesting in the way a new bug is interesting to me, and for about as long before I step on it and toss it out.

    The wrong chef did go home, but it was by a hair. Looking forward to the full recap, I always love this show in spite of how awful it is. But the recaps are what makes it worth it overall.

  9. 9
    Chicagoguy
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    How I’ve missed the screams of “RAWR SCALLOPS, TOUCH THEM DONKEYS, THEY’RE RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR”

  10. 10
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Andyourlitteldogtoo…try Direct TV. We switched last fall and I have been very happy.

  11. 11
    NouveauPoor NouveauPoor
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    Thanks for all the comments! I think G-Ram is in the lead right now. That makes me laugh. Also Gordon Ramsey is much like a bull in a china shop at times, so I think it fits.

    As for pug v. bulldog…I noticed last night that G-Ram’s age is catching up with him. I love me some Chef Ramsey – really I do! – but at this point he’s leaning way more towards Shar-Pei. Poor guy.

    I think you guys just don’t underSTAND the CHILL girl. She needs to be hydrated, yo. It takes a lot of energy to remain sedate (sedated?) in the face of G-Ram himself. But seriously – wtf? Pick up a pan! Even when he kicked her out she was just all “Yeah man, that’s cool, I was really cravin’ some of that fine L.A. smoke we got upstairs.” I wonder how long she’ll last.

  12. 12
    Chicken Lips
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    Funny – I think the new Pope had almost the exact same prayer. He doesn’t want his new boss busting his balls, either.

  13. 13
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    The casting for this season is such a hot mess that you can already tell the cannon fodder from the stars.
    I have high hopes for Cyndi, Janel, Nedra, Zach, and Barrett. Everyone else….smh.

    Nedra is also my spirit animal.
    I seriously hope she can keep it together throughout the season, because I don’t want to live in a world where her Hell’s Kitchen commentary doesn’t exist.

  14. 14
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted March 13, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    Also, wtf is up with Jeremy’s teeth?

  15. 15
    JimbobJones JimbobJones
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 12:42 am

    I love HK. I hate HK. I love HK. I hate HK.

    EVERY season I intend not to watch it again. Then, the temptation to watch Ramsay yell at some bitches is too great.

    Did the bus driver take the scenic route? Because it’s 4 hours from Vegas to LA. You could get to San Francisco in 8 1/2 hours.

    Plus, didn’t they film this in like October? It wasn’t exactly steaming hot at that time. Hot, yes, but not like they were making it.

  16. 16
    WishICouldDance
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 6:32 am

    I don’t know if anyone is familiar with BlueCanary’s “Kitchen Nightmare” recaps but I believe we have few serious contendors for “Choose the Manner of Your Imminent Death” on “HK” already! Puppet chick is topping my list! I would probably be the one to use my brand-new knives on that puppet in the middle of the night – puppets just really creep me out.

    And I loved the line after the flubbed repeat of the order, “I’m pretty sure birds can do that”! Very nice!! Nedra, if she’s the one whose boobs count as two votes, was hilarious as well!

    Why can’t I quit GR and this show?!? I have issues.

  17. 17
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 8:34 am

    I love that others are also deeply conflicted about this show.
    It’s like when you realize that 98% of these people cannot cook and are just here for entertainment purposes (plus the show is like 130u94u103u1031312 hours long) you tell yourself never again. After this season, never ever ever ever again.

    But it’s just too hard to say goodbye to my sweet and salty Gordo.
    And the show has such a….train wreck je ne sais quoi to it.
    Like you know it’s bad and gruesome…Gordo’s yelling all kinds of abuses, perfectly good food is being wrecked and wasted beyond all reason, and the contestants are annoying and stupid.
    You know you shouldn’t watch.
    But how can you not, when there’s so much to see? ( ._.)

  18. 18
    featherhead
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 9:03 am

    I LOLed when they blurred out the puppet’s mouth when “he” was cursing. That was too freaking funny! I agree with Nedra – Gina is CooCoo!

  19. 19
    BlueCanary
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Gah, I wish I wasn’t on hiatus for the foreseeable future so I could recap this round. I’ll have to make sure to chime in on the comments, because it’s going to be complete clusterfuck–my favorite kind of cluster!

    @WishICouldDance, I am right there with you on the Imminent Death contestants. Throw Gina and Jeremy in there to start, and the rest could follow as they get eliminated, kind of like the runner up on the Bachelor becomes the next Bachelorette. It’s a money and time saver, because they’d only have to audition one group for both shows. In a few years, we would have an All Stars Imminent Death, with the worst offenders from past HK seasons: Royce, Elise, you name it, there are plenty to choose from.

    I want Nedra to stay as long as possible, just so she can keep on bringing the sarcasm.

  20. 20
    annie annie
    Posted March 14, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    My favorite moment:

    Blonde girl (real name: no clue) “chef, I am confused…is that two scallops and the redo, or just the redo?”
    Gordo ( calmly staring while she babbles on and on) then ” GET OUT!!!”

    This show is such a train wreck, the “talent” gets dumber, drunker, trashier, and more nicotine stained each season, but I LOVE ITTTTTTTTT!

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