MiniCap: Most Eligible Dallas

Just because I treat women like pieces of meat doesn’t mean they can treat me like one?  What do you mean you don’t like cocktail weenies?

This week, we delve deeper into the psyches of our illustrious cast.  The Shrew forces Ken Doll and Baldy McSixPack into participating in her charity date auction, where we learn that 1) Drew is rabidly horny with Big Gay Crush on Baldy; 2) Baldy has underlying homophobia, despite his friendship with Dick Stick; 3) Ken Doll is amazingly insecure about his “package” and jealous of men who are perceived hotter than he thinks he is; and 4) The Shrew is NOT as bitchy when she forgets about her all-consuming obsession with Ken Doll.

Dick Stick outbids all the girls to win a date with Baldy, spending twice as much as what Ken Doll went for.  However, he spares Baldy the torture of having to go out on a gay date with him, giving his prize to The Shrew.  Now that he’s going on a hetero date, Baldy pulls out all the stops, picking The Shrew up in a freshly detailed 20-year-old Cadillac (which now qualifies as vintage chic, I guess?), and they drive up to a vineyard for a tasting and dinner.  He turns on the charm, flirting wildly with The Shrew and revealing a softer, more sensitive side.  She responds as any other single, desperate woman would to this kind of attention, until the possibility of spending the night is brought up.  Suddenly, her obsession with Ken Doll resurfaces, and she leaves Baldy with a hefty case of blue balls.

Ken Doll doesn’t like how popular Baldy is at the auction, and he behaves like a 5-year-old who has been forced to share his prized toy with another kid.  He pouts and whines and stomps his feet with a scowl on his face watching Baldy flash his pecs and abs for attention.  He also doesn’t like it when The Shrew gets distracted by Baldy, temporarily forgetting about her obsession with him.  He retaliates by going out with another very dear “friend,” MJ.  We’ll call her Trout Mouth, because her mouth is HUGE and her eyes bear a striking resemblance to dead fish.  They meet up for drinks, but when the conversation turns to commitment, Ken Doll does his best Road Runner imitation, and before you know it, there’s a puff of dust next to Trout Mouth where he used to be sitting.

Meanwhile, Ms. Leatherface decides to keep her romantic options open, seeing as how The Shrew has already voiced her disapproval and concern over her dating Mr. AARP.  She goes out with another dude who looks amazingly like Mr. AARP’s not that much younger brother.  Seriously, they look almost identical, minus the silver soul patch.  This date, however, crashes and burns as Mr. Midlife Crisis does nothing but insult Leatherface and act like an asshole.  Suddenly, Mr. AARP and his full set of luggage look that much more attractive.

In other news, desperate to return to Ken Doll’s good graces, The Shrew invites Hot Mama out for some one-on-one time.  Hot Mama brings her kid, and The Shrew shows how great a mother her well-paid nanny will be.  An apology still doesn’t come, but the two women are able to call a truce, much to Ken Doll’s satisfaction.  However, he’s still upset over The Shrew’s temporary distraction, so he tries to engage her in a little phone sex.

And there you have it, folks.  This episode was vastly entertaining, and I’m quickly falling in love with this show.  Just don’t tell anyone I said that.  Join me later this week for the full recap!