Most Eligible: West Virginia
Greetings, Gasmii! After an unexpected week off, I’m back to make fun of our favorite circle of Dallas dysfunction-ites. We pick up in the middle of Dick Stick’s (Drew) moment in the spotlight at the DIFFA Fashion Show/AIDS Ball. Ken Doll (Matt) roams the event like a little boy looking for a lost puppy while his date, Hot Mama (Neill) went off to flirt with the hotter, more charismatic Baldy McSixPack (Glenn). When he finally finds her, he clubs her over the head and drags her out by the hair to bring her back to his cave. Hot Mama is marginally annoyed by his behavior, but she still sucks face with him when he drops her off at home. I don’t get it.
Meanwhile, The Shrew (Courtney) was hogging Dick Stick’s said spotlight, wearing scrap metal and a drop cloth, leading to a (dun dun dunnnnn) cat fight confrontation between the two. Leatherface (Tara) pulls up a chair witness the dramatics, while Dick Stick accuses The Shrew of having no interest in being his friend. The claws come out, but unfortunately, no actual scratching is involved, unless you count the figurative gashes torn in both of their egos. The tension between the two is short lived, however, as The Shrew invites Dick Stick to lunch to mend fences. BORING!
With both of those cliffhangers resolved, we move on to more important things, like pining for exes and more “dating.” I use the quotes, because Ken Doll apologizes for his Neanderthal behavior to Hot Mama by taking her out on a “date,” only Hot Mama is rightfully skeptical, given the fact that Ken Doll doesn’t date so much as drop money on loose bitches so that they’ll drop their panties for him without any of those pesky strings attached. But Ken Doll is trying his damnedest to ignore his player tendencies where Hot Mama is concerned in order to take their “relationship” to the next level. Maybe he’ll only jog away under the cover of night and an alcohol induced stupor after she says the word “commitment” to him post-coital.
The Shrew goes out on a blind “date” with a sexy South African dude with a face, body and accent that seem to thaw her nether regions. However, she cock blocks him before even meeting him by inviting her two best girlfriends along to destroy any romantic possibilities there might have been. She keeps finding ways to prove her stupidity here, especially when she lets herself into Ken Doll’s house later on, lights a gaggle of candles, and plays housewife while he mocks her date/kiss with the South African.
With regards to the exes, one of Baldy McSixPack’s shows up for a visit, and he reverts back to the somewhat vulnerable non-player we saw when he went out with The Shrew (until we realized it was all an act to get The Shrew in bed). We see lots of embracing, kissing and flirting as Baldy talks about her being the one for him had their relationship not been long distance. They’re basically fuck buddies now, but they both seem to harbor a secret yearning to get back together.
Similarly, Dick Stick continues to pine for his cross-eyed hunk, Twinky Ex. He finally admits to us (although it was rather obvious from last week) that he’s still in love with him, and suddenly I know why the Yenta date went so bad (that, or it was just a Bravo manipulated stunt). He searches for the appropriate moment to reveal his feelings, but Twinky Ex shits on the coats by announcing that he’s moving to NYC for school. Dick Stick is devastated, hopefully enough to fall off the wagon, because this show needs a good injection of drama.
In other news, Mr. AARP shaves his soul patch, which bodes well for his future prospects with Leatherface, until The Shrew interrogates him, getting him to reveal that he doesn’t want any more kids. Dealbreaker! And Leatherface and Dick Stick invade the ghetto to “rescue” a dog.
Well, that’s the long and the short of it, folks. Join me later in the week for the full recap.