Greetings, Gasmii! When last we were together, I was shedding tears of sorrow and celebration as we sent Friday Night Lights off into the great television hereafter with a long overdue and much deserved Emmy nomination for Outstanding Drama Series. Clearly, I have separation anxiety, because I’ve chosen Most Eligible Dallas as my next recapping effort. While nothing could be further from FNL in appearance and content, I’m still deep in the bowels of Texas (Forever?), and lusting after gorgeous straight football players. Stick with what you know, right?
Southern Belles and Beaus: (l to r) Courtney, Matt, Drew, Tara, Glenn and Neill
On the premiere episode, most we meet our eclectic group of southern fried fame whores. Courtney is our brunette southern belle 5 years into a quarterlife crisis. She’s a sunglasses tycoon with impossibly high standards and an unhealthy crush on her “best friend,” Matt. She claims that they could NEVER EVER be in a relationship together because he’s like a brother to her, but her intense jealousy and possessiveness reveal a hidden incestuous yearning. Meanwhile, Matt is our resident playboy with a harem of Texas beauties at his beck and call. He makes his money “running” his family’s energy business, but I suspect we’ll never actually see him working. He had his heart broken after a 4 year relationship, so he’s out to get as much tail as possible, much to Courtney’s chagrin.
Glenn is our group’s sidekick. He’s a punter in the NFL, making decent money kicking a football 3 or 4 times a week for 4 months out of the year. And with the NFL lockout looming (when this season was filmed) and the fact that he’s been on 20 teams or so throughout his career, he realizes that he’ll need alternative income streams. He decides to shed his clothes in pursuit of a career in fitness modeling, much to the satisfaction of 99% of Bravo’s viewing audience of straight women and gay men.
Tara is the quintessential blonde Texas bombshell about a year or two past her expiration date, as evidenced by her leathery skin and stringy bleached hair. Beyond her “charity work,” which consists of rescuing dogs and finding them “forever homes,” we have no idea how she affords her own lavish lifestyle. In other words, she lives off a trust fund. We do know, however, that she plays hag to our resident fag, Drew. Claiming to be not your usual queer because he’s way into cars, he proves that that’s the only “straight” thing about him, complete with swishy walk, lisp, and limp wrists solidly on display. We’re supposed to sympathize with him because he used to weigh 400lbs, but I sprain my eyeballs when I learn that he uses female hormone injections to keep it off.
And finally, we have Neill, a rival Texas blonde and much younger than Courtney and Tara. A former fuck buddy of Matt’s, she’s moved back to Dallas with aspirations at a singing career and a 1 year old kid. A rekindling of her relationship with Matt is imminent, which sets Courtney off on jealousy fueled rampage.
This group of Dallas’ Most Eligible Fame Whores do what all the other rich, privileged jackasses on all the other Bravo reality shows do – indulging in the Dallas nightlife, hanging out, not working, gossiping about each other and manufacturing drama. Matt introduces Neill to the gang at dinner, where Courtney immediately turns into a Mean Girl and passive aggressively insults her and her life choices. When Glenn and Matt confront her about her wicked behavior, she retreats to the bathroom to bawl her eyes out, damning fate for giving this girl a child when she can’t even find a man who wants to bang her crazy ass.
Join me for this season of Most Eligible Dallas, which promises to have a melodramatic love triangle, bitchy cat fights, dog stealing, a weeping queen, delicious man-candy, commitment-phobes, lavish partying, drunken antics, and indiscriminate sex. Everything is bigger in Texas, and we’re not just talking about fake boobs and male egos compensating for various other shortcomings.