Wow. That was awful To be honest, I was dreading this episode. Like waiting for STD test results dread. And, somehow, it was actually worse than I feared. Genuinely bad, yet not so bad you enjoy laughing at it, just bad enough to feel sympathy embarrassment for all involved. Especially Chapman and Colantoni because they’re better than this.
Ostensibly, the episode is about the heads of the five Mafia families turning up as numbers. While the five dons meet and talk like Edward G. Robinson in that one Bugs Bunny cartoon, Reese and Finch quickly decide, with no leg work whatsoever, that Elias is planning to kill them all. Reese suggests letting the trash take out the trash, but he and Finch are now too good for that, so Reese decides he’s going to use the healing power of the Caviezel to convince them all to just follow him to safety. But he’s been looking way rough lately so it doesn’t work and the first don gets blowed up real good. After that, Reese and Finch are just kind of…there.
Meanwhile, homicide detective Carter gets a call from SID regarding Elias’ scheme from Risk. This does not involve an actual homicide, just questionable bank transactions, so now, in addition to being a lousy homicide and organized crime cop, she’s also a lousy fraud cop, too. And she’s enlisted about half of NYPD to help with her operations that never, ever involve actual homicides, the task force for which she works.
But once the first don gets killed, she decide to take it upon herself to kidnap the remaining dons into protective custody, first one at a time, but when she almost gets her ass killed, only to be saved, again, by Reese, she decides to force Fusco into her felonious plan and kidnap the last three together. Because she’s an officer of the court and kidnapping is legal when it’s an NYPD detective doing it.
So, Elias is all “fuck this,” and kidnaps Carter’s kid. He wants to trade Taylor for the dons. Now, original recipe Reese would understand that you just let the trash take out the trash, like he said earlier, and make the trade. But they’ve cut off his balls since the winter break and now he just lurches around like zombie-Reese promising to get Taylor back so Carter can cry pretty over how sad, yet noble, she is. But not noble enough to trust Fusco when Fat Don tells her about how dirty he is. Unfortunately, the don is right about Fusco’s old habits.
Then there was some dumb scene where Finch deus ex machinas away the HR problem by just sitting with Simmons and telling him “Elias is bad and he took these pictures of your family.” Simmons actually remembers to question Finch but Finch obliques some bullshit before telling Simmons HR is not working with Elias anymore. Surprisingly, Simmons listens. Whatever.
A bunch of other dumb shit happens, including old Don Moretti putting on the most HIGH-larious wig for a flashback to 1991 and meeting young Elias for the first time. Elias, criminal mastermind, also leaves old Don Moretti and Taylor in some wine cellar so he cand personally blow the doors off Finch’s safe house just in time to be arrested because Fusco was smart enough to follow proper procedure and call for backup on their kidnapping.
Oh yeah, and heretofore brilliant, resourceful, cool, little Finch practically sobs that he’s not big and butch like Reese so Reese can condescend to him that “It’s okay, little man. You can be the get-away driver.” I think I threw up in my mouth there. But I definitely threw up when Taylor’s all “That guy you sent to save me was a real bad ass, Mom! But who’s the guy in the glasses?” like five minutes after being rescued from being kidnapped. Trauma? What trauma? Then they danced all over Nina Simone’s grave and used one of her saddest, most beautiful recordings as a cheap emotional manipulation. Because nothing says vigilantism like a desperate woman begging her lover not to leave. What?
I know this minicap is all over the place, and yet…it makes more sense than the actual episode. It’s like they had all these cut scenes from other episodes that they wanted to use, so they gathered them up, did a lot of blow, stayed up for three days straight then wrote this episode.
Full recap in a few days, but be forewarned. This was me being nice. Until then, you can catch up on the last recap here. I liked that episode.
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