MiniCap: RHOC Reunion Part One

Recaps

By Flipit | Monday, June 13, 2011 | 8:34 am | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: MiniCaps, Real Housewives of Orange County, Recaps

Screen Shot 2011-06-13 At 8.33.15 Am

I am still in Texas visiting my parents, and last night they were playing canasta in the same room I was watching Real Housewives of New Jersey. It wasn’t the most exciting episode in the world, and they couldn’t understand why I was dying laughing. Teresa’s bathroom? Melissa’s texting terrible lyrics to some musically inclined teenager Kathy met at church? Kathy’s purity contracts for her kids? That’s why I’m laughing, MOTHER!

So there I am, giggling on the couch with a pounder bag of peanut M&M’s, trying to enjoy my fave trash. All I can hear behind me is “who watches this shit? This is disgusting and sad. Why can’t that woman talk? Why doesn’t that woman’s face move? What has the world come to? What happened to morals? Hey who’s been drinking my pinot grigio? I clearly marked my name on the box dammit!”

I promised that even though there wasn’t much excitement in Jersey at the moment, Bravo would be making it up to us over in the OC. “We have to watch more of this shit?!?!?!?” “Well, it’s either that or I can put on the Tonys and you can turn your ire to Doogie singing a bunch of gay jokes.” Long pause. OC it is.

And the first part of the reunion didn’t disappoint. My mom stayed quiet through the whole thing. Maybe because she had passed out on the table behind me, or maybe because she was enthralled. I was too glued to the TV to check. The things that fascinate me about the Orange County hookers were on full display last night: utter stupidity, trashy fighting, and extremely low blows. As far as the stupidity part, Alexis was giving Teresa a run for her money in the broken English department. Watching her try to explain what couture means AGAIN after she’s had months to learn was hilarious. Defending her marriage with some story about rose bushes was even better. “We’re watering our marriage!” Don’t worry, watering your marriage is safe as long as there’s not a woman running the country. Cuz that would be HORRIFYING.

Tamra was in full on denial mode. She never said one bad thing about Gretchen this whole season! She was totally nice you guys! I was instinctively on Tamra’s side at first, only because Alexis wasted no time insinuating she was a terrible mother for doing a porn scene on national TV. Um, Alexis, you dressed in skimpy clothes and had your pig of a husband slapping you on your ass and sticking your butt out like you were in a Hustler spread. Are you really gonna go off about parenting here of all places? As Tamra pointed out, you almost dropped your kid in the pool while strapped to the stroller and…well, you’re on the Housewives. I think that automatically makes you a bad mother doesn’t it?

Vicki was quick to take the blame for handling her divorce wrong, and Donn was there on tape to agree with her. Peggy mostly just sat there and smiled her ghoulish smile, and Fetchin was pretty silent too. At least in the beginning. She was all about defending her relationship with Slade when the time came, though. We have a great relationship, it’s just these outside forces we can’t control that aren’t so great. Um, like the deadbeat dad part? That’s not really outside, sugar. Please don’t get preggers.

The night ended with the old allegations that Fetchin cheated on her old rich guy a long time ago, and clips from part two where new allegations of Tamra giving bj’s to half the town surface. You can say what you want about these women, but they kept my drunk mom quiet for an hour, and that’s quite an accomplishment. Zip the Rip’s recap will be up later this week! xo

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

16 Comments

  1. 1
    cam
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Melissa did not submit lyrics — she submitted “words.” !!!

  2. 2
    Ollybeau
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 10:04 am

    What was Alexis thinking when she bragged about paying cash for her next house?
    Did she just want everyone to know “We’re totally not broke! Look at all the money we still have!”
    And when Vicky rather calmly called her out on it, Alexis’ cluelessness about her finances was obvious.
    Jim will probaly never let her speak in public again…

  3. 3
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Vicki looked like she came running right out of the prom scene from Napoleon Dynamite to the Reunion stage. Amirite? WTF was she wearing? Her hair? Poor thing.

    Tamra looked awfully puffy and frozen in the face.

    All the women on the Peggy/Vicki/Tamra couch looked like their legs were smeared with Vasoline. Bleech.

    Alexis, how do I find the words?

    This leaves me with no other option, Gretchen is the best of the worst IMO.

  4. 4
    marijai
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Tamra and Gretchen arguing over who called whom an evil bitch first and when was unnecessary. Just agree you’re both evil bitches and move on.

    My captcha code is 2AAS…yep, even god-forsaken captcha knows they’re both asses.

  5. 5
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    @Marijai-Those two stoopid bitches are still fighting over weather or not Gretchen slept around of Jeff. When Gretchen did that thing with the hat, I laughed my ass off, cause I saw the humor in it. They both need to grow the fluck up! Tam is no prize, and I doubt for a second that Simon ever lifted a hand to her fug mug! How much you wanna bet she was the aggressive one in that situation! She has a court order to not watch BRAVO?! Umm hello, your kids have friends, and their friends probably have the internet! Smart one she is!

    Thank you Vicki for finally admitting that you are a raging workaholic and that you never ever spent the time you needed to at home! I also hope that Donn takes you for everything you are worth! Asshole! I also hope that Brianna packs her shit and moves far far away from you!

  6. 6
    marijai
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    AllisonZ!!!! I caught it when Crackie said she was seeing someone (surprise, surprise) and when she ask if Brianna would like to meet him, her response “HELL NO!!”. Maybe Brianna has just figured out what we’ve thought all season…Crackie has had someone on the side for a while. She turned her kids against their dad. Karma is a bitch.

  7. 7
    Wilma Fingherdu
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Yikes, the harsh lights of the Reunion show are totally unforgiving! Seeing Peggy sitting still and in the aforementioned harsh light made me notice things I hadn’t during the season – she’s got a HUGE square chin, the Cro-Magnon eyebrow bone, huge hands…we need some early childhood photos or someone who went to grade school with Peggy to get gender-of-birth confirmation, stat!

    And Tamrawww was “that bitch in High School” who used to tease girls like me relentlessly – I would pay money to have the opportunity to beat. her. ass.

  8. 8
    elle
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Geez, these bitches are crazy let me tell ya. They can barely think right with all the silicone in them. Tamrawhs face was puffy.. fresh from the botox doc. Fetchen was looking like the pagant queen with all the puffy hair and such. IIcky is just icky. Alexis and Miss Peggy are just ugly so what to do….

  9. 9
    what?
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    I cannot stand Gretchen…I am tired of her irritating laugh, I am so cute attitude, and not owning up to anything she does. Personally I do not think Tamra was wrong for calling her out, I didn’t think so at first and the law suits she has lost to the man she was messing around with it proves Tamra was right. Doing what she (Gretchen) did in Tamra’s home was unbelievable. I think what Tamra did was funny – it was not directed at any one particular person and it was at the end of the party. At least it made me chuckle!

    With all of that said, I am so glad none of my girlfriends would ever behave like these women.

  10. 10
    mick
    Posted June 14, 2011 at 9:00 am

    I just want to take this opportunity to say: Ducky McJesus Tits. That is all.

  11. 11
    Deja Johnson
    Posted June 14, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Tamra is no no better than Gretchen and Gretchen is no greater than Tamra. Gretchen doesn’t seem as bitter as Tamra, whose stare could melt the flesh right off your face. Gretchen is not a saint and neither is Tamra. And to me, it seems like Tamra is always the one kicking up the dirt. Honestly, I think Tamra’s deep-seated resentment towards Gretchen stems simply from jealousy. Tamra’s so enthralled with being ‘the hot one’, she automatically dislikes Gretchen (or anyone else for that matter) because of beauty and youth. Tamra and Vicki are basically the wicked witches. They validate each other. In the battle of Tamra vs. Gretchen I have to say Tamra is the uber bitch.

  12. 12
    StiffUpperLip
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 2:33 am

    Poor Vicki. She obviously thought colorless make-up, unstyled hair and a lackluster top would make her look pitiful. It worked.

    When will someone address Gretchen’s constant references to having kids with Slade? How is it that WE all know he’s shooting blanks, but she doesn’t acknowledge it?

    He’s such a weenie, anyway. Whimpering about not having the connections any more to make it big in the title business while he’s living off of Gretchen’s ummm, enterprises. Too bad his mom isn’t more in his face. She sees through the krapp.

  13. 13
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Some thing isn’t right here. How is it that everyone is contacting
    Tamara? Didn’t the guy Gretchen was cheating on Jeff with
    “Contact” Tamra? And now Slade’s baby mama? She’s a POS.

  14. 14
    sk
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    ALL of the OC women are in a competition to be most awful person in the OC, the planet and the universe. What I don’t understand is why everybody talks about how retro/awful Alexis’ and Jim’s marriage is while never mentioning their BS version of “Christianity” they can’t shut the f up about. These people are NOT Christians and the way they carry on (in every aspect of their lives) is as far away from what biblical Christianity as it can be. It appears from the show that they attend one of those “prosperity gospel” superchurches. The prosperity gospel has been totally discredited by every reliable theologian. Does anyone remember last season when the Bellinos had their pastor and his wife over for breakfast? Both, especially the pastor’s wife, looked at the Bellinos like they were caged freaks in some bizarro zoo. But being perhaps just as misguided, they acted nicely since they were/are depending on the Bellino’s tithes/donations. Maybe it’s not acceptable to bring this subject up and that’s why I haven’t seen any other comments on it. But all anyone has to do is read a few paragraphs of the any of the gospels to know that the Bellino’s religious practice is not “Christianity.” BTW, I am an agnostic, ex-Christian with a better than average knowledge of the New Testament. I find the lack of anyone challenging the Bellino’s so-called religion strange — maybe no one wants to “go there.” Vicky, for all her faults, is MUCH more “Christian” than these two phonies.

  15. 15
    what?
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    SK – People were all over Alexis last year and her “Christianity” I think this season she didn’t talk about it nonstop and flaunt it like she did last season so the slams were more about her and her “incredible” marriage.

    I did so love the part of the reunion show when Alexis said they sold the house and paid cash for their new one – and then Tamra and Vicky told it like it really was, with Alexis having ABSOLUTELY nothing to say. I do not like to see people fall on hard times, but when you DIG yourself into the hard times and flaunt your excessive lifestyle all over it is therapeutic to watch!

  16. 16
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    I’m not sure Alexis and Jim went into foreclosure because they went broke. As much as I hate defending them, it seems like they brought their home at the height of the market, when prices were inflated. After the market crashed, and the real estate bubble burst, they were left with a $6 million mortgage on a home that was now worth only like $3-$4 million. This is the result of many of the foreclosures these days..people trying to get out of mortgages for houses that are now worth less than what they are paying. Anyway, Jim decided the best way (and it was probably shady, too) to deal with this was to transfer the home into a business property and then just file bankruptcy for that company. Then he won’t be responsible to pay using the finances of his other businesses. It protected his assets and allowed him to get out of an undesirable mortgage agreement. I may not like Jim, but I think this is a savvy business decision.

    But I was shocked they would pay cash for the next one. Like, what if that depreciates, too? I spoke to my mom about it because I thought it was dumb that, considering what happened to their first home depreciating, that they would pay cash for the second one. She said that after all the shady bank appraisals and mortgages in the past few years, there is now a law that things only allowed to appreciate a certain percentage per year, so there are no wild inflated prices anywhere at the moment. And that after the recession and such, this is the time when things are sold at their true market value. Thus, the best time to purchase a new property.

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