I am still in Texas visiting my parents, and last night they were playing canasta in the same room I was watching Real Housewives of New Jersey. It wasn’t the most exciting episode in the world, and they couldn’t understand why I was dying laughing. Teresa’s bathroom? Melissa’s texting terrible lyrics to some musically inclined teenager Kathy met at church? Kathy’s purity contracts for her kids? That’s why I’m laughing, MOTHER!
So there I am, giggling on the couch with a pounder bag of peanut M&M’s, trying to enjoy my fave trash. All I can hear behind me is “who watches this shit? This is disgusting and sad. Why can’t that woman talk? Why doesn’t that woman’s face move? What has the world come to? What happened to morals? Hey who’s been drinking my pinot grigio? I clearly marked my name on the box dammit!”
I promised that even though there wasn’t much excitement in Jersey at the moment, Bravo would be making it up to us over in the OC. “We have to watch more of this shit?!?!?!?” “Well, it’s either that or I can put on the Tonys and you can turn your ire to Doogie singing a bunch of gay jokes.” Long pause. OC it is.
And the first part of the reunion didn’t disappoint. My mom stayed quiet through the whole thing. Maybe because she had passed out on the table behind me, or maybe because she was enthralled. I was too glued to the TV to check. The things that fascinate me about the Orange County hookers were on full display last night: utter stupidity, trashy fighting, and extremely low blows. As far as the stupidity part, Alexis was giving Teresa a run for her money in the broken English department. Watching her try to explain what couture means AGAIN after she’s had months to learn was hilarious. Defending her marriage with some story about rose bushes was even better. “We’re watering our marriage!” Don’t worry, watering your marriage is safe as long as there’s not a woman running the country. Cuz that would be HORRIFYING.
Tamra was in full on denial mode. She never said one bad thing about Gretchen this whole season! She was totally nice you guys! I was instinctively on Tamra’s side at first, only because Alexis wasted no time insinuating she was a terrible mother for doing a porn scene on national TV. Um, Alexis, you dressed in skimpy clothes and had your pig of a husband slapping you on your ass and sticking your butt out like you were in a Hustler spread. Are you really gonna go off about parenting here of all places? As Tamra pointed out, you almost dropped your kid in the pool while strapped to the stroller and…well, you’re on the Housewives. I think that automatically makes you a bad mother doesn’t it?
Vicki was quick to take the blame for handling her divorce wrong, and Donn was there on tape to agree with her. Peggy mostly just sat there and smiled her ghoulish smile, and Fetchin was pretty silent too. At least in the beginning. She was all about defending her relationship with Slade when the time came, though. We have a great relationship, it’s just these outside forces we can’t control that aren’t so great. Um, like the deadbeat dad part? That’s not really outside, sugar. Please don’t get preggers.
The night ended with the old allegations that Fetchin cheated on her old rich guy a long time ago, and clips from part two where new allegations of Tamra giving bj’s to half the town surface. You can say what you want about these women, but they kept my drunk mom quiet for an hour, and that’s quite an accomplishment. Zip the Rip’s recap will be up later this week! xo