Minicap: (Semi)Famous Food

Anyo from Korea!!!  I have the pleasure of subbing for The Nooch this week.  After watching this show, I now know why God is angry and keeps throwing natural disasters at us.  Famous Food is definitely the 11^th sign of the apocalypse.

Drink up!  It’s just … Kool-Aid.

Danielle says in the opening, “We have a lot of catching up to do.”  No shit, Sherlock.  At least your lemon basket sign looks cool.  Guess the celebretards could figure something out together.

So Lonnie and Mike decide to throw a curveball at the “we-all-should-be-wearing-helmets” group and tell them that they’re having a soft opening in 2 days, instead of opening the restaurant in 9 days.  Good luck, librarian hooker … hope another birfday personal emergency doesn’t pop up and ruin your self-prescribed 15% / 90% business-to-pleasure life ratio.  (See how I slipped that in?  She’s bad at math, even in glasses.)

DJ Paul shows that he’s more than just a baby-armed music mogul.  Did you hear the interview earlier this summer when he said his arm looks like that because he fingered a virgin and she was too tight?  How classy!  I hope that guy does not have any children.

Don’t make me stick my other arm into you.

Despite reality, those Three 6 Mafia guys have the best publicist … check out the bios of the show’s “stars” on the FF page.  Ashley’s pub NEVER mentions the word hooker/companion/lady of the night, and the rest of the bios are bo’ (as in boring), but Juicy J and DJ Paul hired the right people.  You know, people who can spell, and who can make your claim to fame look valid.  Ashley, a guest spot on “Geraldo at Large” should not be in the first paragraph of your bio.

VD flare-ups are a real bitch.

Scotty takes everyone to the warehouse to check out the furniture that they need in TWO DAYS and surprise!  It’s wrong.  Instead of coming to an amicable agreement regarding the misunderstanding, Juicy J begins throwing chairs across the room.  Sound familiar?  Way to negate rapper stereotypes, my man.  So much for my initial high regard for you two.  DJ Paul eggs him on from the background.  I guess it’s hard out here for a pimp to throw chairs around with one hand.

Juicy J ANGRY.  You won’t like me when I’m drunk angry!

Helmets-R-Us use the re-carpeting of the restaurant as an excuse to check out for the night, when they should really be staying all night making sure their shit’s together.  Why are they  carpeting a restaurant, anyway?  My service industry experience is limited to a few months at Burger King, after which I was fired for writing quite witty (yet unkind) haikus about my shift manager in grease pencil on the break table, but even I know you don’t put carpet down in a restaurant.

The next morning, Scott delivers $110,000 worth of furniture every nursing home would kill for, and proceeds to piss off the whole team when he walks away from multiple people who ask him to repair damage to the fugly bench.  Guess Ashley was right about that bench.  DJ Paul takes it upon himself to verbally chase Scott away, and Danielle creams her panties.

DJ carries Danielle’s favorite things:  guns and money.

Lonnie and Mike show up and are duly unimpressed with the décor.  They leave it up to Ashley to bring the atmosphere back to her picnic idea, but there’s no money in the budget and she has only her vaguely pigeon-like features to work the new designer she “discovered” (VH1 producers to the rescue or perhaps he’s checked out a book from her library?) and convince him to revamp the restaurant’s interior.

I’m sorry, that book is overdue.  You’ll have to be punished.

Ashley’s new plan does not impress anyone, so she goes out shopping and spends $2000 on pillows to liven the place up.  Bad idea.  Best idea for those pillows is to smother one or more members of this team (are you listening, Pastore?).  The group decides Ashley can no longer shop unchaperoned, so they send her out again with Juicy, who, of course, is charge of purchasing and sampling the liquor for tonight’s opening.  He conveniently bought a necklace with a built-in shot glass and proceeds to get drunk while Ashley shops and calls and works her ample butt off.  Again, thanks for erasing our stereotypes, Juicy.

Watching the team scurry around and get stuff ready while Juice continues to drink and bump into things back at the lemon basket is only half as amusing as the scene AFTER Mike and Lonnie show up and ask Juice to go take a nap.  He repeatedly refuses and falls back on chair-throwing to emphasize his point.  Let’s tune in next week to see what he throws next.  Check back in a few days for the full recap, where we discuss DJ Paul’s arm in depth and Heidi’s “face”.

Life in plastic, it’s fantastic!