Minicap: Teen Mom Terrible Twos

This week on Teen Mom, there are puppies, prying grandmothers, Gary gettin slizzered, and I’m convinced we almost saw the first stroke ever recorded by an MTV camera when Kyle’s blood pressure surged as he realized he’s in a relationship with Maci, Bentley, and Bentley’s hot dad, Ryan.  It made me think of eggplant, actually, because Kyle’s head is shaped sort of like… an eggplant.  What’s UP?  Hustle, loyalty, respect.  Nothing anyone on this show has in spades, that’s what’s UP.

Caitlynn is going on the same retreat she went on with the adoption agencies, and she brings her friend Paige.  Paige gave her baby boy up for a semi-open adoption not too long ago, and Caitlynn thinks she’ll really benefit from being around other girls and talking about it.  The retreat is different this year, as Caitlynn and Tyler are feeling a little distant from their adoptive family.  Brandon and Theresa haven’t pulled back, it’s Caitlynn and Tyler.  We get some good Kim-time, but one of the retreat counselors nails it when she tells Caitlynn that it’s a positive thing to take some time for herself, to distance herself from Carly a bit.  As the years go by, Caitlynn and Tyler’s grief will naturally change and doing what they need to do to take care of themselves first is very mature, very smart.  We don’t see much of Tyler, but I hope he’s keeping busy finishing high school, and working at Dan Good Pizza!

Farrah’s got to find out if she got high enough grades to graduate.  C’s get degrees, so Farrah’s golden, and she decides she’s earned herself a puppy for her accomplishment!  She’s a little worried that Debra’s gonna have a cow, because they have discussed a puppy, and you’ll note that there’s been zero puppies up until today.  But Farrah and Sophia go play with some cute ragdoll pups.  Sophia is delighted and excited about her new little buddy; Farrah’s excited it’s a puppy buddy, and not a baby buddy.  From there, hilarity ensues.  Oh, Honey… no.  She takes potty training a puppy to a whole new, and literal level, when she asks the dog if it wants to potty, and then holds it over the john.  I wish I was kidding… or is it that I wish that worked???  Ugh.  Housebreaking my own small terrier was a nightmare.  Hands down, the best line of the night though, was Sophia greeting Debra, “Hi Doggie.”  Baby Randy Jackson FTW!

Maci’s still on the custody issues trip, only this time, it’s Ryan who be trippin’.  Maci hasn’t told Ryan that Kyle lives with her and Bentley, which to me is so wrong on so many levels.  Well, Ryan’s mom gets all up in it, when she notes to Ryan how often Kyle’s around when she picks up Bentley.  She suspects that he lives there with Maci and Bentley and pushes Ryan to be more proactive with asking Maci questions, and with making sure he knows what Bentley’s living situation is over there.  She seems to have an angle and I can’t tell yet what it is, but she’s working the hell out of it this season.  Teen Mom starts planting the seeds of Ryan and Maci Part Deux.  Ryan’s mom wants to know if it’s really, truly over and if Ryan thinks Maci’s still hot for him.  Dun dun DUNNNN.  I hope everyone noticed that Kyle’s face turned a crazy-day glo purple color when he had a moment of truth, realizing that he is in a relationship with Maci and her uber sexy ex-fiancé/baby daddy.  I was genuinely concerned his aneurysm was only a few seconds away; homeboy looked like his head was going to explode.

OMG OMG OMG OMG!  Gary went out and he hit it hard!  We get to see him partyin’, surrounded by ladies.  Now, if you don’t think of The Overweight Lover Heavy D, I don’t know what to tell you!  I wish so hard that someone would make a You Tube video montage of Gary Shirley, set to “Girls, They Love Me.”  Because while he’s out at da club, he seems to have no lack of chicks to talk to.  I’m an out and proud chubby chaser, but come ON.  It’s Gary Freaking Shirley.  No. Way.  Not all big dudes look like they smell like a Carl’s Jr Baconator, but Gary looks suspiciously grease-flavored.  Even more disturbingly, instead of picking up his house for Leah’s birthday, he’s hanging over, and we get treated to a shot of condom wrappers on the floor.  So lemme get this straight: Gary Shirley is getting laid?  That alone is mind-boggling, but at least he learned a lesson and we won’t have our first Teen Dad with baby #2 on the way.  There’s also some confusing stuff with Amber and ‘I want you back,’ and like… well, you know.  Amber cries, Amber yells, Amber believes she’ll have Leah full time once the heat is turned on in her new place, and Amber dances around in a bunch of princess stuff from Leah’s birthday, ostensibly long after Leah went to bed.  Nothing new there.  She looks higher than a liberal arts college kid on any given Saturday.  Nothing new there, either.

Thanks for all the comments – it was actually super exciting to see how many there were, and how much you Gasmii love your Teen Mom!  I’m kinda dorked out on excitement that I get to do this, to write about Teen Mom for TVGasm and all the comments are so cool!  I don’t 100% know how to navigate this gig just yet, and I know people take their Teen Mom for serious, so please always say what you’re thinking.  Real Talk: Recaps won’t always be S’UP heavy, but I wanted y’all to know a few key things to get us started.  I know that you know I’m not hip and snarky enough for this gig, but I’ve got a few treats tucked away and I really truly love this show.   I get annoyingly analytical about it.  Like, I can spin out on reality culture, teenagers, and some of the sociological aspects of the show and go way deep.  I’m never gonna be the recapper who calls these kids twits, twats, or twinks.  But.  I will continue to compare them to unpopular male wrestlers, to crackheads from John Singleton movies, and to one of the most pathetic of the many Simpsons stereotypes ever animated.  Until Caitlynn and Tyler show themselves to be burners, or spend all their (alleged) Teen Mom money on Carly merch, like that massive quilt wall hanging that featured Carly’s face, then snarking on them probably means that the terrorists have won.  Okay.  What is the up with that quilt?  And what’s next?  Carly coasters?  Carly paper fans for hot days?  If they start making Carly Coozies, I want one.  I do like a coozie for my beers.

To check out last week’s recap while you wait for a full, fresh cappy, click here.