Minicap: Teen Mom Without You… ‘Dear Motley Crue,’

Like Teen Mom wasn’t already enough of a mess, we had to go and bring Motley Crue into it?  Like Motely Crue can help these girls.  When I saw that title, all I wanted was to see a photo montage of Butch and Kim rolling up to their prom in a Camaro and Debra on an unidentified beach with an even bigger, more feathered ‘do than she has now.  Can I just say, though, that Debra’s hair is looking terrific lately?  It’s always a perfect feather, on both sides!  For minicap funsies, let’s find out what Motely Crue says about these Girls, Girls, Girls.

Maci

“Dear Motley Crue,

I have a cute baby, a supportive family, and an unemployed boyfriend who is really nice.  I like hanging out with him all the time.  Before I had Bentley,  I wanted to get a journalism degree, but now I just want to be a stay-at-home-mom and I’m thinking about dropping all of the classes I’m failing, which is all  of them. Should I stay in school?  xoxo, Maci”

“Dear Mommy Track Maci,

We’d like to quote our mega-hit, ‘It’s the same old, same old situation, the same old, same old ball and chain…’  Gurl, please.  Like we’re going to tell you to stay in school.  Plus, you pride yourself on not doing what people tell you to do, so you’re probably wasting Motley Crue’s time here.  You’re Maci, and you’re gonna do what you want.  The only thing we need to caution you on is that your baby’s actual father really truly loves his baby boy and wants to make things totally legal.  We’ve been to jail a lot and it sucks.  Wait.  That’s different. But still… beware the Ides of Court.   xoxo, Motley Crue”

Yep.  Maci’s got babies on the brain, because of how much she loves hanging out at home with her guys.  Instead of setting a schedule and buckling herself into it, Maci pouts that she has to put Bentley first, and keep Kyle alive because , you know, Kyle can’t feed himself.  Which, actually, Kyle seems to expect a more traditional set up, but Maci seems to LOVE THAT.  She finally admits that she’d be happier with a common law degree in domestic engineering.  She wants to be a full time Mama, and decides to drop her classes before she actually fails them.  She’s perfect and never, ever made a mistake but she sure does drop a bunch of dimes on classes she always ends up dropping.  Meanwhile, Ryan found himself a job, and then lawyered up.  He doesn’t really want to make changes per se.  He says he just wants  to make the mediated visitation schedule a legally binding custody arrangement so that Maci can’t change the rules on him at her will.  His attorney tells him to not say anything to Maci, because the attorney has seen this show and knows that Maci will fah-lip.  There’s a lot of talk about how she can, and has, moved Bentley without really consulting Ryan.  Ryan almost looks alive and engaged in tonight’s episode, which is a nice change of pace from his usual monotone chawin’ drawlin’ yawnin’ presence in our lives on the weekly.

Caitlynn

“Dear Motley Crue,

My boyfriend is graduating, and I’m barely passing my fifth year of high school (but I’m passing!  Yay!).  I’m really nervous that when he goes to college, things are going to change even though we gave our baby up for adoption so we could change ourselves and make a better life for us, as well as give her a better life.  Also, I want him to wear a boy engagement ring, and he thinks it’s stupid!  Am I wrong here? xoxo, Caitlynn”

“Dear Clingy Caitlynn.

You need to Kickstart your Heart!  Lighten up, Babe!  ’When we started this band, all we needed was a laugh…!’  You’re living with your man, you’ve got a little part-time job for cig money, and you’re finishing that elusive fifth year of high school, which trust us, can be a bitch.  You have a great relationship with your baby’s adoptive parents, and you have a bright future!  Enjoy the ride! xoxo, Motley Crue”

Caitlynn and Tyler are looking at more change for their immediate future.  Tyler’s all set to graduate in December and head off to college, but Caitlynn has a little more to make up.  She’s not the greatest student; she needs a 60 on a history test, to get her up to a passing grade.  She rocks a 65, and Motley Crue would be proud, but not many parents would be.  Sadly, Caitlynn is lacking in the Parents Who Give a Shit Department.  She and Tyler meet with The Teacher Who gives a Shit, which you know because of his pony tail  and also that they call him by his first name, Monty.  She learns she’s up to a 68, so she’s still okay for now.  My mother would have killed me, and made double-sure I was dead had I gotten a 68 on anything.  Extra dead.  No recaps dead.  But Caitlynn wasn’t as lucky in the mom lottery, and she got the number she needed, so who can really judge here.  She did what needed to be done, and sometimes that’s cool, too.

Kim throws a party for Tyler, and there’s an adorable moment between them, when Tyler takes a minute to thank her for pushing him, even when he was a little punk and hated her for trying to push him to stay in school.  Later on, back at home, Caitlynn and Tyler spend some time chatting in bed, and Caitlynn once again lets her anxiety about changes show.  She’s ‘joking around’ that she thinks Tyler should be wearing a guy engagement ring.  Since we’re over 30, we know that this joking is really just a way to express her insecurities.  Tyler laughs it off and tells her that if any girl tried to break off a piece of his Kit Kat bar, he’d just be all, “Back up off me, I’m engaged!”  I can totally hear Butch in there.  Lolololol!

By the way, I’m worried about Butch.  He’s out of the half-way house, but he’s not gonna make it to Tyler’s party.  Tyler isn’t upset, or so he says, because Tyler doesn’t put expectations on Butch to do things like show up to a his son’s high school graduation.  I have to wonder though.  I doubt Butch is out shopping for cool classic rock shirts while he’s missing Tyler’s party, and I hope he’s not doing some crimes that will land him back in the slammer.  Butch’s comedic timing is exactly what Caitlynn and Tyler segments need.  Enough of this “if we kept Carly’ stuff!  You didn’t keep Carly, and you’re actually really okay with that.  So are we.  Jeez, enough already.  They’ll walk for graduation in June, and they think it would be really neat if Carly was there.  Le sigh.  I hope this isn’t Production City, and that there’s some meat there.  I’m honestly not convinced that they want Carly to be at their graduation.  I truly, sincerely believe that they are moving on and content with their current relationship, that they are people who need the distance.  These two have a lot of family crap at any given time.  I’m of the mind that they are more comfortable with the time and space that their adoption arrangement allows then what some of their scenes would lead us to believe.

Farrah

“Dear Motley Crue,

My baby’s father died unexpectedly while I was still pregnant with my daughter.  Our families did not get along at all.  It’s been almost exactly two years since he passed away, and I’ve connected with his father’s side of the family.  I’m going to take my daughter to see Derek’s grave and meet his paternal side of the family for the first time.  I’ve never been to the grave myself, and I’m really scared.  Any words of wisdom?  xoxo, Farrah”

“Dear Fearful Farrah,

First of all, we know it’s sad, but hon you are not a pretty crier.  So dry those tears, and sit down right here.  Vince?  Will you bring this girl and her mom lighters, so we can play Home Sweet Home right for her?  Walk through it, girl.  ’Sometimes nothin’ keeps me together at the seams,’ too.  You’ve got a long road, but you don’t have a choice.  It sucks, so be strong for your little girl.  xoxo, Motley Crue”

Farrah is going to see Derek’s grave and she asks Debra to go.  Debra is relieved Farrah asked for support, because trust me on this… no teenager has any clue how to process grief.  I lost a parent as a teenager, and it’s just always there.  For Farrah, it’s even more complicated.  No 16 or 17 year old expects that her estranged boyfriend, and father of her unborn child, is going to die.  It’s shocking and overwhelming, and while the shock goes away, there’s no doubt that Farrah’s going to feel a little overwhelmed at times.  This first visit to the grave is every bit as emotional as you’d expect, and I’m sure Debra knew it was going to be hard.  The main thing here is that it hits Farrah in two ways.  It’s nice to see her put Sophia’s future grief ahead of her own.  There’s really only one part where Farrah tweaks a little about how Derek is gone, and she doesn’t have him.  Moreso, she’s really concerned about how she’s going to have to try to make this make sense for Sophia at every level of Sophia’s development.  And there’s no way to make a tragedy like this make sense to a surviving child.  At some level, Farrah knows it.  Debra seems to totally get it, and I just realized that I wonder if that’s why Debra and Michael are so indulgent when Farrah flips into her bitch-curl.  Hmmm.  Potential theory a’brewin’!

Amber

“Dear Motley Crue,

I have no eyebrows and really long nails, and I like button down shirts.  I call it “Indiana Chola.”  I did not lose custody of my daughter, but she’s not allowed to live with me just now.  I have a documented anger-management problem and I’m on a popular TV show.  I have a meeting with Child Protective Services, but it’s okay because my baby’s father, who is Gary aka The Overweight Lover Heavy G, has nothing on me and they can’t prove anything.  What should I expect to happen?  whispered: why does this keep happening to meeee? xoxo, Christy”

“Dear Christy,

We know you are Amber Portwood.  Our book, The Dirt, was not intended as an advice book, and we’re not really sure why you’re  doing more drugs weekly, than Nikki, Tommy, and Mick did from 1986-1988.  We have only one thing to say to you, Amber: ‘Girl don’t go away mad; girl, jut go away. xoxo, Motley Crue p.s. If you’re gonna dress chola, just go for it already.  Pluck out the other half of your brows, ink your name on your chest, and let’s do this.  Go big, or go home.”

Amber has her meeting with CPS, and she’s lamenting that she has to get up by 10:30 am.  Hold up.  I have to pop my eyes back into my head, because I just rolled them so hard that they popped out.  I should not be so surprised, since Amber also has a well-documented issue with being in an upright position.  CPS won’t let Leah say with Amber until the new house is ready, and Amber’s saying she’s about a week away from it being done.  How is that possible? This girl has no job, and she’s moving one person.  Herself.  I’ve moved probably 14 times, thanks to college and shitty life/relationship choices.  It does not take a week when you’re barely 20, you have your new place lined up, and you have friends.

Her friend comes over to go with her to the CPS appointment, and they load up on what I can only hope is Britney Spears Curious before Amber’s mom arrives to do the driving.  Amber’s mom has a big SUV, which is all the more reason to call attention to this gigantic hole in Amber’s story about needing another week to get the new place ready and get herself moved in there.  There’s a metric ton of dramz with Amber and her mother, and that’ll get covered in the full recap.  Suffice it to say that Amber’s mom looks wore out, and if I had to call it based on my vast experience in Midwestern dive bars, I’d call that there’s some heavy drinking going on there.  She’s got fifty pounds of face, and a voice that sounds like it’s always on the verge of tears.  Amber and her mom get into it, and I really can’t make a call yet on what the heck is going on there.  What I do know is that our Amber Bot appears to have not fallen far from the Mothership.  Amber’s mom allegedly can’t stand Gary’s family, and Amber beats up Gary so still, we really do have a matched set with our Ladies de Portwood of Anderson, IN.

Watch for the full recap coming soon! Check out last week’s recap here.  Any theories on Amber’s mom?!  Yikes.