Minicap: The Bachelor

Recaps

By PopePhilly | Monday, February 25, 2013 | 10:17 pm | 43 Comments
Posted in: Recaps

Howdy, Gasmii! “The Bachelor” is almost over. Thank God! 

Maybe these bugs are poisonous. 

It’s time for the Fantasy Suites! Sean makes it clear (well, after the first one), that there will be no sex in the Fantasy Suites – he just wants to talk to the women all night. The rose ceremony is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Our eliminated lady leaves without saying a single word. It’s beautiful! Other than that, the episode is pretty much the same as every other episode – dates, “best friend,” “my wife,” and then elimination. Sean really got my hopes up when he was breaking all the rules on the first night. Be sure you have your alcohol ready because there are a lot of chances to drink tonight!

Check back in a few days for the full recap. In the mean time, check out last week’s recap if you haven’t already!

PopePhilly

Aside from making fun of reality television on a weekly basis, PopePhilly is a legal assistant by day and avid kickball player by night (well, at least on Thursdays). On the nerd front, she is an active member of the forensic speech and debate community. She spends her time judging at tournaments throughout the country and serving on the board of directors for the West Chester University alumni chapter of Pi Kappa Delta (yes, speech nerds get to pretend to be cool by having Greek letters).

43 Comments

  1. 1
    Dashley Dashley
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    I was SUPER BORED all episode until the CRAZY eyes. So fantastic. And btw honey – if wants to make it crystal clear that he DOESN’T want to sleep with you, you probably shouldn’t be too quick to start planning the wedding.

  2. 2
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    Man, I fell asleep. Woke up to ashely saying that she would love to stay up all nigjt and talk.. then I turned on Vanderpump Rules. I will catch this in the morning. And dish when the full cap is up.

    I hope the mini can stay spoiler free!!

  3. 3
    considerthis
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 7:07 am

    Wow – holy Hallmark! AshLee was in overdrive last nite with her greeting card conversations. I can’t recall if I ever have seen her laugh?

    I want to feed monkey’s grapes!

    I think we should drink every time Shawn gets immersed in water.

  4. 4
    considerthis
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 7:09 am

    One more thing…

    Lindsay’s strong lack of gag reflex bodes VERY well for her – you could see the delight in Sean’s eyes as he begged her to eat another.

  5. 5
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 9:36 am

    @Dashley: AshLee was just all types of clingy this episode. Has she been like that all along?

    @thisbuggs4u: Halfway through the episode, you’ll know who’s going home. The editing made it pretty obvious.

    @considerthis: Now that you mention it, I’m pretty sure AshLee has NEVER laughed on this show. I’m pretty sure she has two seetings – “greeting card” and “overly attached girlfriend.” Thanks for adding to the drinking game…as if we needed more reasons to drink while watching this mess. ;)

  6. 6
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Getting some coffee ready to go along with my left over pizza from dinner. I hope that I am not going to throw either of those at my tv!

  7. 7
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 10:28 am

    @buggy, we had pizza too, and leftovers make the bestest brekkers.

    That is important to know when finding a mate. We fight over leftover pizza.

    Do these people consider that?

  8. 8
    lindaw205
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 11:00 am

    I’ve never watched The Bachelor or any of it’s spinoffs but I have eaten leftover pizza for breakfast. It’s definitely worth fighting for.

  9. 9
    juddfan
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 11:07 am

    the more this goes on, the more I fear for the “winner” . . . Sean is really controlling . . . I’m a little sad that after the cameras start rolling, the suffocation will start. Catherine was adorable, and their chemistry felt real. I’m glad she got to talk about her sisters.

  10. 10
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 11:14 am

    @Jfan, I think you nailed it with Sean being controlling.

    Who gets the breakfast pizza would not even be an issue!

    The winner loses.

  11. 11
    tapemeasure
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Why hasn’t Itchy commented yet? He loves this show!

  12. 12
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    @snow, Mr is gone this week, so I get to pretty much eat what ever I want :) Although I was to lazy to make dinner last night and that is why I am eating left over pizza today.

    If I would have eaten a bug, you know that would have come back and landed on Sean’s feet!

    I missed the part where they fed the monkey.

    Looking forward to the recap, will dish more there. And really a 3 hour finale?! Live too..shit I can barely make it through 2 hours, How am I gonna do 3? I don’t drink, so what is gonna keep me awake?

  13. 13
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    @thisbuggs4u, snowshoecat, and lindlaw: Leftover pizza for breakfast is one of the greatest things in life. I wish I had had some this morning.

    @tapemeasure: You’re really obsessed with Itchy, aren’t you? I think we all adore him, but you might want to calm down a bit.

    @thisbuggs4u: We can do a live Tweet of the finale if you want (assuming you’re on the east coast). That might at least keep you entertained.

  14. 14
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    @pope, I am west coast :) I do have a twitter, but I don’t tweet much. Majority of my twitter are Nascar peeps :)

  15. 15
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Arg! I wasn’t drunk enough for this episode dammit!

    And I’m on a time delay, since I don’t live in the States. And I have to wait til Mrs. Itchy’s asleep – she’d just laugh at me if she knew I watch this show…. And they drag this shit out for two full hours…

    It’s not Ashlee’s fault she can’t smile, with all the injections she’s had. At the end there I thought her head would start spinning around and flames would come out of her eyes. But there was never any question he wouldn’t pick her – she’s just way too old for him. And that question of his: “How come you haven’t found someone yet.” ! And her answer, pretending she’d never been married…

    I’ve eaten insects. When they’re cooked like that, they taste like potato chips. But I love Thai food.

    Lindseed wins hottest bikini. Interesting that Catherine has body issues — it shows in her choice of bikini. Although we didn’t get to see much of the hot tub bikini. If that was a bikini. I don’t believe for a minute that “nothing” happens with these gals. And I also noticed he never spoke of his “intentions” with Lindseed either. Can’t blame him for that!

    At least we have the Girls Tell All to look forward to. Don’t they usually announce the next Bachelorette on that? But I can’t believe we’ll have to sit through a THREE-HOUR finale. I’ll die of alcohol poisoning….

  16. 16
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Oh, and tapemeasure, I feel like you’re more than just my best friend, I feel that you could possibly be my wife.

    Well, my other wife. But still.

  17. 17
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    And also: Have I mentioned how much I hate Twitter? Fuckers. Fuck Twitter and those stupid fucking tweets from the “Bachelor Nation.”

  18. 18
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    We did see AshLee laugh when they were in St Croix. When she shouted that she loved Sean…she kind of giggled. Again I don’t want to dish to much, cause I am pretty sure some have this on their DVR still…if you want to dish send me a pm in the forums :)

  19. 19
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    While we wait for the recap I’ve got a pet peeve and a prophecy.
    The pet peeve is anybody that’s been going oh yay! Thailand! At least there’ll be khon dancing!’s going to be disappointed. We get like 3 shots of tourist grade. And 0 museums and 0 textiles.

    Thailand might mean1000s of yrs of history and some of the most amazing art in the world to most people. But to the Bachelor it means pretty beaches to send the cast on a boat ride with their bathing suit on.

    The prophecy is that the next season of Bachelor Pad’s going to be an even bigger trash fest than usual. They’ve got Sur staff and Stanley Sisters to compete with now.

  20. 20
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    @Kthxy, so so sad to say that you are so right. That is in the sense that this is, after all not the Learning Channel where we would expect some culture…

    Oh wait. Never mind.

    Beaches it is. Art and culture are so overrated.

  21. 21
    tapemeasure
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    @Pope: Stay out of this. This is between Itchy and I. @Itchy right back atcha

  22. 22
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    Is it just me or does Lindsey talk differently with Sean? It is like some sort of weird baby talk.

    Taking a few days off here. You need me, or want to discuss the bachelor, vanderpump rules, revenge, pretty little liars or housewives hit me up on facebook or you can pm me in the forums…

  23. 23
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    @itchy: There isn’t nearly enough wine in the world for this episode.

    @kthxbai: Do you think any non-touristy places in Thailand want to get the Bachelor stank on them?

    @tapemeasure: Relax. It was a joke, but I think I’ll continue to comment the way I want on the recaps I write.

    @thisbuggs4u: Lindsay definitely has that baby voice going on. Are we sure that she’s really in her 20s?

  24. 24
    tapemeasure
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    @Pope- my comment was also a joke. please continue to comment however you please…nobody cares. clearly internet humor is lost on you.

  25. 25
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    No! No more wars please! I can’t take another one….not in here. This is the trashtastic of them all!

  26. 26
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    @thisbuggs4u: Sorry. I’m done now. I’m blaming my lapse in judgment on the pint of blood lost today
    Haha. One cookie and a can of orange juice is not enough to get anyone back to normal

  27. 27
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 26, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    Nope, it is not! I gave blood once for extra credit in HS. My mom and I went do the blood bank and did it together. I was told to eat before we went. So I had a big bowl of Lucky Charms. The nurse thought I was funny! I had my cookie and cup of juice. Mom and I left. We went and did some errands. We made one last stop at the feed store/nursery. We were in line and the next thing I know, there are a bunch of firemen standing over me. I kind of remember my mom asking that lady at the counter what was taking so long, as she could have run to the fire station cause we were just down the street. I was actually 2 inches away from heading to the hospital..If I would have fallen back any further I would have taken out the metal racks with my head! Apparently they forgot to weigh me before giving blood!

    Sorry, I just can’t deal with another comment war! I have had enough for a while!

  28. 28
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 1:24 am

    Well, I knew you were both joking. But I understand. We’ve ALL been under a lot of stress, biting our nails and wondering: WILL SEAN FIND HIS WIFE?

    Note: he doesn’t actually speak about love all that much. Just about finding a wife and a best friend. Because you don’t have to love your beard, after all. Just wear it.

    Anyway, the good news is that I’ve since seen other spoilers pointing in the opposite direction, so the game is still up for grabs.

    Which mean we can rank our contenders toe to toe, boob to boob.

    In this corner, we’ve got Catherine:
    – Glowingly beautiful (but too beautiful for Sean, who clearly wants to be the prettiest in any room).
    – Has body issues (i.e., might get chubby again after she quits the starvation diet she’s been on for the duration of the show — a definite no-no for Sean, who, again, clearly spends enormous amounts of time admiring his own body).
    – Is smart, independent and career-oriented and probably creative and self-appointedly weird (does anyone else choke on their vomit while laughing at Sean calling himself “nerdy”?)
    – Appears to be nowhere near ready to start being fruitful and multiplying, but despite her demure demeanor (and the producers’ long lingering shot of the cross on the wall of her mothers’ home) is still the girl who claimed to “like the beef.”
    – Father’s out of the picture; Sean’ll be surrounded by a bunch of jealous women and their menstrual cycles every Thanksgiving.

    And in this corner, we’ve got Lindseed:
    – Very pretty, but not nearly enough to threaten Sean’s own “glow.” He might, however, worry that her missing jaw and buck-teeth will carry over into his own genetically preprogrammed progeny.
    – No body issues. Rockin’ bod. Best bikini-ready body on the entire show. And most likely all natural too. And she’s the only one who didn’t give a shit about Sean’s “intentions.” Just sayin’
    – Is ready to pack up and move to Texas YESTERDAY.
    – Cute and funny on a level Sean can really get. I.e., she’s not smarter than him, so there’s no threat of her resisting his domination.
    – Is young enough to single-handedly repopulate the lost continent of Atlantis.
    – Speaks in a baby voice. This really does work, you know. It really does. Especially on a guy with a Protector Complex like Sean. But basically, on every heterosexual male.
    – Father’s a general. Talk about Sean’s sweet fantasy! Mother’s a cougar who’s clearly in lust with Sean. Brother appears to be special needs and therefore will be no threat to Sean.

    The winner? Can’t believe we still have two more weeks to wait. Hope PopePhilly and tapemeasure don’t rip each others’ eyes out before then.

    Although clearly, they didn’t come to this recap to make friends. But at least they’re here for the right reasons.

  29. 29
    Dashley Dashley
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 1:31 am

    LOL thanks for the summary to date, Itchy… did you ever think you’d have two commenters fighting over you? Which reminds me… PP… guuurrl, I got your back! You need me to eviscerate anyone in the comments, you just let me know! But I’ll wait for your signal – I think you got this.

  30. 30
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 1:34 am

    I vote for the more liberal usage of emoticons. A little ;-) goes a long way.

  31. 31
    Helena Handbasket
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 2:20 am

    LMAO, Itchy!!! In the early days of email I had a coworker who felt it was okay to say whatever mean, catty things she wanted as long as she followed it up with a smiley. God she was a bitch!!

  32. 32
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 3:33 am

    @PopePhilly Good point. Even the sleaziest dive in Patpong’s got standards.

    @snowshoecat (っ⌒‿⌒)っ ♥ hug ♥ I’ve missed you!

    @thisbuggs4u I was all set to cyber pelt you with fat cake for reminding me of when I used to not weigh enough to give blood.

    But then I remembered how I used to laugh and roll my eyes when old people >25 would start talking about how they used to be so thin they could’ve been a contender model.

    And ended up rolling my eyes and LOLing at myself. I’m glad you didn’t hit your head!

  33. 33
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 6:36 am

    @thisbuggs4u: A few months ago, I gave blood (I donate regularly since the Red Cross has an office a few blocks from my office). I was feeling fine afterward, so I decided to get off the bus at the grocery store a few blocks from my house so I could get a few things I needed. Well, I walked home from the store and then basically collapsed as soon as I got in my door. That 4ish block walk really did me in!

    @itchy: I wonder if ABC would let you be the announcer for the finale. It would be infinitely more fun than hearing Sean talk about his “best friend” the whole time. And yes, I’m here for the right reasons. Hahahaha.

    @tapemeasure: *Extends olive branch…or at least vodka.* :)

    @kthxbai: Can you please throw some cake at me? I could use some cake today.

  34. 34
    tapemeasure
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 6:39 am

    @pope….vodka accepted.

  35. 35
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 8:04 am

    One of my dreams in life would be to STOP EVERYTHING and point to the single rose left in the tray and say, in my most oh-so-serious voice that it was “the final rose for the night.”

    Unfortunately, it’s clear that Chris Hostdouchison will ride this pony until the day he dies, if they let him.

  36. 36
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 8:24 am

    One of my dreams in life would be to make Chris Harrison and Mike Fleiss dress up at Captain Kirk and that Reptile Man monster from that old episode of Star Trek, then make them fight to death with improvised weapons for my amusement. Sadly, I’m no closer to realizing that dream than I’ve ever been…

  37. 37
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 9:49 am

    You could dress up as the midget wearing the Roman costume in that other episode, just to make sure you truly live the experience.

  38. 38
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Since someone mentioned it I paid attention Monday night and realized it’s true: Sean has no body hair, at least none where the cameras go. Does he wax his entire body? It’s very jarring when he lifts his arms and he’s smooth as a little kid under his arms. Nothing on his arms or legs or the vee-going-down…. I know he’s blonde and his hair would be fair but I can’t detect even that. My hard and fast rule is never to date/marry a man who spends more time grooming than I do. I stand by that.

    The crazy eyes made this whole episode for me. It was like a crazy ex/stalker was being created right before our eyes on TV. She looked unhinged.

    Sean made Lindsay eat a bug for him. He made AshLee go in a scary water cave (although the camera and sound folks kind of spoil that whole ‘oh no we might die in here!’ atmosphere when you really think about it so that wasn’t so bad). But what mean thing did he do to Catherine? I don’t recall him ‘challenging’ her Monday night. That’s his whole thing, forcing the women to prove their worthy by making them do things they are afraid of or hate to do in order to stay in the game. Except I don’t ever remember him doing that to Catherine at all really, at any time. Her ‘challenges’ have all been more fun or tame things. She lucked out.

  39. 39
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 10:59 am

    She’s a vegan. He made her catch a fish. And sit on a pig. No, no him. The other pig.

  40. 40
    Andyourlittledogtoo
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Oh, right!

    “You’re a vegan? Really? Huh…. Hey I know! Kill this animal for me right now. It’ll be a challenge for you, help you grow, prove you lurve me…..”

    He is such an asshole.

  41. 41
    itchy itchy
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    I kept watching his facial expressions during this episode — just monstruous. I don’t recall ever hearing another Bachelor leading on the girls quite this strongly. Am I wrong? It seems to me that most of the time they actually don’t say anything all that committal, at least not directly to the girls. They may talk about it in the voiceovers. But I can’t recall another Bachelor saying so clearly to a girl that he could already see her as his wife, etc. etc.

    Especially when he was saying all this shit to Ashlee, even though it’s been obvious for weeks now that there was no way he’d ever pick her. The look on his face! What a monster! I wish I believed in hell, since this guy definitely deserves to suffer. But yeah, what do you expect from someone who seriously calls himself a “reclaimed virgin?”

  42. 42
    juddfan
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    In Catherine’s defense, she got a one on one on a glacier . . . I think she more than proved herself able to deal with adversity.

    I can’t fight for itchy, at least until the end of the world, as he says he’d do \anyone\ . . . hee . . .

    And I can’t give blood coz I be gay . . . sigh . . . you’d think they could test you or something, right!?

    My gut tells me he’s keeping Lindseed coz she’ll be easier to dump than Ashlee would have been at the end. But, based on all of our observations, he just might pick the one that won’t challenge him.

    In retrospect, when they finally did start showing Catherine, she was already sitting in his lap, so they must have connected somehow at some point. . .

  43. 43
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted February 27, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    You guys are all right. I still don’t really want to say anything, but being that it is wednesday and I am pretty sure we have all either watched it online, DVR or on demand. You could tell Sean was watching their videos, he had one of those blank stares during Ashlee’s. I think I know what sealed her fate…but I want to see what Pope has to say… :)

    I may have to DRV the 3 hour “live” finale, because that damn ABC On Demand doesn’t let you fast forward!!

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