Minicap: The Bachelor

Recaps

By PopePhilly | Monday, January 7, 2013 | 7:19 pm | 17 Comments
Posted in: Recaps

Come one, come all to the endless circus that is “The Bachelor!”

Greetings, Gasmii! PopePhilly here. I’ll be your guide through this season, which promises to be as much of a train wreck as the past 16. It’s the first night, so this is where we separate the women who want to find fame fall in love with Sean from the women who just want some free alcohol. Speaking of alcohol, a bar that I’ve been frequenting lately (my friends and I keep winning happy hour parties) holds watching parties for “The Bachelor.” If this season becomes unbearable, it’s nice to know there’s a place I can go to get sufficiently drunk as I watch.

Clearly, this is one for the booze.

We’ve got deep back stories (an orphan, a woman with only one arm), we’ve got surprises (someone from a previous season returns for another 15 minutes of fame), and we’ve got Sean mentioning how badly Emily broke his heart every five seconds. There is awkward laughter, faux comradery among the women, and we see lots of tears and jealousy as Sean gives out the roses whenever he feels like it! Oh man, we’ve got ourselves a rebel here!

The full recap will be up soon. In the mean time, feel free to familiarize yourself with Sean from his time on “The Bachelorette.” Spoiler: Emily breaks his heart.

PopePhilly

Aside from making fun of reality television on a weekly basis, PopePhilly is a legal assistant by day and avid kickball player by night (well, at least on Thursdays). On the nerd front, she is an active member of the forensic speech and debate community. She spends her time judging at tournaments throughout the country and serving on the board of directors for the West Chester University alumni chapter of Pi Kappa Delta (yes, speech nerds get to pretend to be cool by having Greek letters).

17 Comments

  1. 1
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 4:46 am

    I’ve had herpes flare ups I’ve missed more than this show.

  2. 2
    live2tivo
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 9:27 am

    I was really hoping Arie would pop up and get the final rose of the night. He and Sean had more chemistry in that scripted exchange than Sean had with any of “the country’s most eligible bachelorettes.”

  3. 3
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 9:37 am

    @NotWithoutMyTV: I think a flare up of herpes would be far more interesting than Sean’s personality.

    @live2tivo: The “Arie teaches Sean” to kiss thing was one of the weirest moments of the night. I remember think, “Don’t take his advice, Sean! If a guy ever came at me like that, I’d run!”

  4. 4
    Beebs
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 10:07 am

    What do you mean, “If this season becomes unbearable.” Isn’t it already? Go that bar and have a drink or two or seven.

  5. 5
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 10:32 am

    @Beebs: I like the way you think! So far, the season (all one episode of it) doesn’t seem too bad. At least there was a lot for me to work with last night!

  6. 6
    Talk It Then
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 11:00 am

    I think Sean is a HUNK!! hubba hubba… LOL.. Watched it and couldn’t believe some of these women on here. REALLY? Falling over drunk, cant even talk. booty poppin and trying to relive fifty shades of Grey.. OH ME.. LMAO.. I have seen it all. Ready for the full recap.

  7. 7
    Dashley Dashley
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Did anyone else notice that there were a lot of ladies with weird habits like rapid blinking, frequently cocking their heads to the side, WAY too intense eye contact, etc? Should be interesting this season because it looks like ABC pulled out all the stops casting the crazies.

  8. 8
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    @Talk It Then: Sean is a good looking man, but he just seems rather dull. I hope he proves me wrong. The full recap should be up first thing tomorrow morning!

    @Dashley: I’m so happy that ABC found as many whackadoodles as they can! I sat down to watch last night and literally yelled out, “What?!?! I don’t remember this show being two hours!” This was a show I always watched in passing – never religiously. Then I saw the material ABC gave me with these nutbars and I perked right up (the wine helped a little.)

    Also, your avatar is the highlight of my day! :-D

  9. 9
    Dashley Dashley
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    lol Thanks! The Warner Sister, Dot, is my spirit animal of snark! And you’re a better person than I am. I’d be afraid of recapping this show because there are TOO MANY jokes.

  10. 10
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    @Dashley What I like is how even though they’re trying so hard to punch it up casting crazies. Every single 1 of them still deserves the vocabulary word of vapid.

    I think The Bachelor’s turned into a kind of religion. So now it’s kind of like the Catholic church back in the Vatican 2 time. They’d make all these little outward changes. But still kept enough of the sameness so the traditonalists would feel at home. And started up new traditions. Like the annual lawsuit with their covert internet operative. Trying to keep their demographics current. Since by now a whole lot of their viewers are being made to watch the show with their MeeMaw that just loves Trista and Ryan.

    I wish somebody’d pay me to be a covert internet operative. I can write a mess of jacked up sentences too.

  11. 11
    captain-save-uh-hoe
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    I only want to know two things. How much these women got paid and how much they drank before they left their dignity and limo behind.

  12. 12
    niknakflipflop niknakflipflop
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    I’m new to the Bachelor/Bachelorette scene! This is my 1st season. Quick question so I can catch on-Where is this guy previously from? A reject from Bachelorette? Or a previous Bachelor? I thought he was new to the game but the last girl in the limo seemed to know him? Was I not paying enough attention? Almost done with the episode… maybe I’ll find out more?!?!

  13. 13
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    @niknakflipflop Sean was 1 of the last 3 contestants in Emily’s season. You can go to
    http://www.tvgasm.com/category/recaps/the_bachelorette

    and see the recaps for it.

    And depending on how far back you want to go you can google Emily Maynard and get any of her whole story you can’t get from the recaps and the comments.

  14. 14
    Dashley Dashley
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 12:23 am

    And the last girl that knew him was a reject from another season of the Bachelor. And the thing with all the former Bachelor/ette contestants is they have get-togethers all the time, and they have this incestuous high schooly thing where they all hook up with each other. So she requested to the producers to try her luck on the show again because she liked Sean when she met him at one of the Bachelor-veteran events. The show Bachelor Pad is all past contestants who all know each other before they do the show because of these events.

  15. 15
    niknakflipflop niknakflipflop
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Thank you kthxbai and Dashley! Reading up on a little bit of this mess right now. And eeeww @ them all just passing each other around, on national tv nonetheless! I don’t mind people being sluts but keep it to yourself! I did.

  16. 16
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 7:51 am

    @kthxbai: If “The Bachelor” is a religion, I think we should name Chris Harrison “God.” That’s a scary thought.

    @captain-save-uh-hoe: Your user name made me laugh quite hard. I’m pretty sure these women drank enough so that they could deal with the fact that they’re probably not getting paid that much.

    @niknakflipflop: Welcome! I hope I can keep this season bearable for you. Every season I’ve watched usually ends with me saying, “Why the hell did I waste all that time?”

  17. 17
    captain-save-uh-hoe
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 9:29 am

    @pope-philly— I’ve been hanging around the Bad Girls faaaar too long ;) And yes, I like where your head is at. I mean, the producers HAD to have forced that girl to wear the wedding dress, right? Right?!!

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