MiniCap: The Bachelorette

While you were watching the GOP presidential candidates debate last night, I watched The Bachelorette for you and took in the agonizing inner debate Ashley was having with herself about whether or not she could survive since the devil incarnate took himself out of the competition.

Yes, Bentley may have left the show… but he was constantly on our minds because Ashley insisted on saying his name over and over again in her sad, nasally voice. She ruined a perfectly good trip to Poo-ket! It was ruint! Ruint by her mopiness. She was a sad little muppet last night and no amount of prancing around a foreign country, wearing the clothes of an orphaned toddler was going to make her feel better. Not even when she was in the strong arms of Constantine, the sexy arms of JP, or the witty arms of Ames.

Constantine had the first one-on-one date after the gang arrived in wet, steamy Thailand. He and Ashley were supposed to take a boat ride to a private beach, but the boat captain said he couldn’t take them because the weather was too bad. Or, maybe it was because of pirates. Or perhaps he was asking them for directions to the bathroom. It wasn’t really clear, because he only spoke Thai.

They abandoned the boat idea and walked around Phuket instead, harassing the local folk and running down the street for no real reason. Later, they had dinner on the beach. Constantine seemed like a genuinely cool, chill guy who could have fun in any situation. Ashley was having an aiight time, but she was really thinking about Bentley. Regardless, Constantine was a good sport and got a rose.

For the group date, everybody except for Ames and Constantine went to an orphanage to fix it up for the little kids who’d been orphaned after the 2004 tsunami. The boys had a pretty good time, although Ashley seemed to feel that she wasn’t getting enough attention while the guys did charity work for ORPHANED CHILDREN!! Relax chica – you’ll get them back after they finish painting the bedrooms of the sad little kids.

Standouts at Extreme Makeover: Orphans Edition were Ben F., who painted a mural of a sea monster (he said it was an elephant) on one of the walls, and Ryan, who got on everyone’s nerves by being both bossy and happy at the same time. Later, at the cocktail party, everyone expressed their displeasure with Ryan while Ashley had a hot makeout session in the rain with JP. She assured us that he is a magical kisser, and I believed her.

Ames got the last one-on-one date and Ashley finally got to take someone out on the boat. They rode to some islands, then got in a kayak and rowed through the most amazing cave system, into a gorgeous lagoon and onto a private beach. Ames has been laying low this whole time, letting his forehead and Emily-sized veneers do the talking for him. But he turned out to be funny, smart and really interesting. He and Ashley seemed relaxed around one another and he either genuinely likes her, or he’s a much better actor than Bentley. They don’t end their date with a kiss, but he says they had something better: deep conversation and a connection.

The cocktail party before the rose ceremony was pretty uneventful, except for the fact that Ashley went out of her way to find a reason to chop West, the lawyer whose wife died three years ago. Ashley says she’s worried about filling dead wife’s shoes; West says he doesn’t want anyone to fill her shoes. That was a different part of his life and he’s ready to move on now. While West was pouring his heart out, here’s what Ashley was hearing:

At the rose ceremony, Ashley got an extra rose to give out, which meant only guy would be going home. That guy, of course, was West. Ashley seemed a bit cold toward him and he looked incredibly sad as he rode off into the hot Thai night, lamenting the fact that the first time he’d opened himself up in three years ended in disaster. Oh well. C’est la vie. I’m sure the ladies are already lined up to help him with his sad, sad boner.

Of course the worst part of the episode was the preview for next week, which led us to believe that Bentley’s return was inevitable. Ugh. Please, buddha, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT make us go through this again. There’ll be plenty of time to discuss that during the full-on recap, though. See ya then!