MiniCap: The Bachelorette

So The Bachelorette is back, huh? I didn’t realize that until about 8:30 last night when I finally got around to checking my email and there was a friendly lil’ reminder in there from FlipIt. Who knew that there were new shows starting at the beginning of the summer? Or that a new episode would air on Memorial Day? Isn’t it common knowledge that everybody’s outside chasing fireflies or getting shot, depending on which neighborhood you live in?

Hip-Hop mimes get shot no matter what neighborhood they’re in…

Needless to say, I missed the first half-hour of the special Bachelorette: Memorial Day: Honoring Our War Heroes event. When I joined our program already in progress, I was very confused because all of the contestants seemed to resemble one another. Ashley clearly has a thing for giant white men. It was like a Viking reunion up in there, except it was taking place on Martha’s Vineyard and all the whoop-ass Vikings had been replaced by some whack-ass bromeos in plaid shirts.

The first bro up when I started watching was William. When I tuned in, he and Ashley were watching some water fountains erupt in Vegas (we’re in Vegas already?!) and William was saying it’s the kind of date you go on with the person you’re going to marry. 30 seconds in and I’m nauseous….

Ashley says that William is a front runner, but she’s got 12 other guys who look just like him coming in to Vegas that she’s got to juggle. Long, painful story short… after a dance off, half of the guys get to stay and perform with the JabbaWockeeZ, a dance group that won a reality show competition. All of this is basically a way for Ashley to live out some performance fantasy and show us what a great body she has.

Later, she hangs with the guys and the most important thing we learn is that adorable, sad-eyed lawyer West is a widower who lost his wife nine months after their wedding. That’s super sad and when I looked into West’s face, I could tell he was here for the right reasons, although Ashley seemed to be reliving her big dance number in her head while he was talking.

Here for all of the wrong reasons is Bentley (for real? Bentley?) who thinks Ashley is hot enough to tickle his pickle, but he’s just not that into her. He’s incredibly obvious about not wanting to be there, and this means that Ashley’s abandonment mechanism goes into overdrive and she begs him to stay and gives him a rose even though the stench of douche is wafting off of him so strongly it’s practically visible and there’s a sweet, tragic lawyer sitting RIGHT NEXT to her.

The next one-on-one date is decided by the flip of a coin and goes to Mickey. And holy chee-zus, I just found my new boyfriend. I wouldn’t be able to call a grown man “Mickey” out loud, but I can think of many other things to do with my mouth around him…

So Mickey goes to Vegas and I don’t know what happens because I’m just completely focused on those gorgeous eyes. But in the end, Ashley gives him a rose and they stand in some Vegas gutter while Colbie Callait opens her mouth onstage in front of them and elevator music pours out.

Back at the house in L.A., the two most ridiculous things that happened at the group cocktail party were a) Bentley and b) The Mask. OK, oddly enough, I understand the sentiment behind the mask, but unless homeboy is hiding a Mickey-quality mug under there, everyone’s going to be sorely disappointed when the mask comes off.

We learn that The Mask has some security issues — he reveals that he had a brain hemorrhage and got a divorce due to some untruthfulness on the part of the person to whom he was married. He’s about to take off his mask when another guy walks over and steals Ashley away, who leaves without putting up a fight. Well that had the stink of producers all over it… I think that when your television show about falling in love relies on whether or not the audience can see some jackass’s face, it’s time to re-think the format of said show.

At the rose ceremony… the eliminated bros are: a mama’s boy office supply salesman… a hairstylist… and a “great guy” who Ashley’s “missing out on.” Meh.

So that’s that. My apologies for not being up on the ABC television schedule! I will get all caught up on who these tools are before the main recap later this week! Glad to be back on this show and ready for love… followed by betrayal… followed by public heartbreak and humiliation… followed by Bachelor Pad!