Minicap: The Dance Scene

So Laurieann’s been working for over a year with Destinee & Paris (Mom found their names on a billboard near the airport.  She missed the small print:  Appearing nightly at Escapades!!).  D&P are – surprise! – young white female singers on the cusp of fame.

Missing:  Two Little Girls. Last Seen With:  Their Mother and Another Crazy Bitch

All they’ve been missing is Laurieann’s magic touch to turn them into superstars (it’s worked so well for Lacee and Missy Modell and Kherington and Sarah …. ).  The teenaged sister act’s mom-a-ger, Lenore, gives Laurieann a run for her money in the Head Crazy Bitch in the Room contest (sounds like a certain coke head fashion show planner a few eps ago).

Clash of the Crazy Glasses

Anywho, LeWhore is a HUGE buzzkill during rehearsal for D&P’s big performance at an upcoming launch event (whatever that means).  LeWhore orders her girls to focus on rehearsal and tells Laurieann that her daughters need to “renew the commitment”.  Laurieann gets all Toronto on her ass, since LeWhore is now stealing Laurieann’s inspirational lecture key points.  I love watching bitches passively-aggressively verbally spar.  Just what we need to perk up the energy level on a Sunday night.  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Boredom Averted!  USA!

The show must have heard me snoring, because I am NOW VERY INTERESTED in what Sarah is naming her vagina.  No lie … we’re at The Castle with Sarah, K-cup, and Paulandroid who have a group discussion about her va-jay-jay, its possible monikers, and whether or not she slept with Ex-Paul #1 in NYC (she did!).  Did I mention that during this fascinating conversation Sarah has Paula’s bed pillow shoved up between her legs, stuffed near her Paul-probed cream catcher?  Sarah, keep this behavior up and you may just earn a tvgasm nickname yet (even though I don’t like her “ethnic” vag name suggestions … racist bitch).

Sarah proudly introduces Shaquita.  Shaquita likes long walks on the beach and any guy named Paul.

Diddy Bitch’s Mom, still on the lam from Toronto, is complaining that Laurieann has not given her grandchildren, only yappy grand-dogs, and they’re no fun to take to Disneyland.  Laurieann tells her mom that “her” artists are her children right now, and that she’ll be on the first plane back to Canada if she doesn’t stop the island-flavored whining.

Laurieann’s mom has a thing for white girls, too

Laurieann takes Destinee & Paris out to dinner in a Fraggle Rock pelt and tries to give them an uplifting sermon that sounds suspiciously like a “fight the power” speech.  Here’s the plan:  smile and nod at LeWhore and then do sneaky shit behind her back, like eat onion rings with me!  Tee-hee … aren’t we bad?

Who cares?  Someone refill my purse flask!

Back at Bitch Kack Studio, Kherington is rehearsing with The Stripper Sisters and Lacee.  K-cup whispers that she wants to leave rehearsal to audition as a backup dancer for Ke$ha’s AMA’s performance.  Hmmmm … stay here and get yelled at by Diddy Bitch with three other blonde white girls or audition to be repeatedly covered in glitter and crabs …. decisions, decisions.  Laurieann tells her to go try out for the VD poster child’s posse, but she “doesn’t trust [Kherington’s] judgment”.

Obviously a short step down from dancing with The Stripper Sisters

Good point – Cryington did consent to work for you, Laurieann, so her judgment IS in question.  K-cup leaves the studio but never even starts her car before she’s back upstairs apologizing to Diddy Bitch for ever thinking it was okay to ACTUALLY DANCE and fulfill her childhood dream.

But if I leave, I’ll have to drive this piece of shit car for the rest of my life.

Laurieann graciously (ha!) accepts her apology but says she’ll fire K-cup’s ass if she attempts to ACTUALLY DANCE again.  Wait a minute … didn’t Sarah just fly to NYC for a week to choreograph the Knick City Dancers with your blessing, Laurieann?  Double standard much?

At the Ninth Circle of Hell Laurieann’s condo, Joe Wilson and Diddy Bitch have the most awkward conversation ever about having children … together.  I’m totally buying it Seacrest, sure.

There ARE other options, Joe Wilson.  Just ask the proud daddies!

The Stripper Sisters come crying to Laurieann because LeWhore thinks they suck and they’re not ready for their performance at the launch.  Of course, Laurieann has to have a tête-à-tête with LeWhore because no one’s allowed to destroy young white female self-esteem EXCEPT Diddy Bitch.  While Laurieann convinces LeWhore that her spawn are indeed ready to sell out to the record industry, she leaves Lacee and K-cup alone to rehearse with The Stripper Sisters.  Unfortunately, Lacee spends that valuable time bonding with the girls over their shared love of high tops and full-length mirrors instead of running through the number.  She’s now next in line to Principal Diddy Bitch’s office for her verbal punishment.  K-cup takes over rehearsal, aptly leading The Stripper Sisters through the precise technical dance moves, including various statue poses and microphone removal and replacement on the stand.  It’s exhausting work, being an assistant choreographer.

At the last pre-performance rehearsal, LeWhore mutters from across the room that her girls are not performing because they sound like shit (I agree!).  Laurieann defends The Stripper Sisters to their mother, and tries to fight crazy with sound logic, which never works in this country.

Concrete proof is no match for concrete hair!

While Diddy Bitch is venting to the makeup artist about her poor “artists” and their certifiably insane biological mother, the girls overhear Laurieann repeating LeWhore’s succinct critiques and they run off to the bathroom to cry.  Thank goodness K-cup is there as Expert Bathroom Crier to show The Stripper Sisters how it’s done.  Laurieann joins the girls in the bathroom, telling them they sound great and to ignore the voices in their heads AND the voices in their mom’s head.  LeWhore’s Maternal Maniac radar starts pinging and she stomps her way into the bathroom too, trying to fling the shit back onto Laurieann and return The Stripper Sisters to the biological crazy fold.  That doesn’t work, but LeWhore has finally worn down and defeated Diddy Bitch in the Crazy Contest, so Laurieann feels she has to “drop [The Stripper Sisters] as clients” after tonight’s performance.  Glad to see you’re protecting your “artists” when the chips are down.

Like every other the-last-four-minutes segment in each episode of this show, the performance goes boringly well.  Even though Diddy Bitch gave up her assistant Svengali role, I found out that The Stripper Sisters ended up singing backup for Lauren and Failey on American Idol this season.  Guess LeWhore did learn a thing or two from James Archuleta.

It could be worse, D&P!