Ha-ha! Laurieann is giving Richy his first swimming lesson at a small indoor pool located in the underground level of someone’s home. Ummmm … do the owners know you’re there?
Diddy Bitch, is this how you attract all your unsuspecting victims? “I have a pooooool, in the baaaysement … NOW IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS BACK OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!!!!”
Laurieann, put your hose away and I’ll put mine away!
Richy did well, compared to all the first-time swimmers I’ve seen. Perhaps it helps that he stayed in the shallow end, just like his family’s gene pool.
My daddy, who’s also my brother and my cousin, taught me how to make this face.
The Gloommates are getting a group massage and discussing Paula’s lack of a love life. She says she’s never been on a real date, which isn’t surprising because she spent her entire robot life between the droid factory and Boom Shakalaka Studio in a box on a UPS truck. K-cup offers to set her up with “the perfect guy” who’s “all about having fun”. I guess that trumps Sarah’s offer to set her up with “some guy named Paul.”
The Highlands is a small venue where Laurieann has booked a showcase for Missy Modell, an about-to-be-singing-whorestar we met a few centuries episodes ago, to show her off to some A&R rep for Universal records. She has brought Missy there a few days before showtime to have a Stuart Smalley moment and visualize a good show.
I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, Laurieann likes me.
Back at The Castle, Ex Paul the Younger calls Sarah and she answers her phone, over Paula’s vocal protests. At least PLR has the convo on speakerphone, so we get to hear Shady McDouche come up with the ol’ “I had to work to pay my bills” story to explain why he never showed up to hang off her labia at the Burlesque premiere. After that thrill ride of a monologue, he asks if she’s interested in getting together soon to bang talk. Sarah says “No thanks!” and I have to rewind my DVR to make sure that PLR is REALLY leaving the doormat role behind.
Damn, is this well dry ALREADY?
K-cup and Sarah take Paulandroid to Tramps-R-Us to find an outfit for her blind date. In the interest of full disclosure, I have to say that all the outfits she tries on are very cute, and fit her well. Paula is really a lovely girl. She just shouldn’t open her mouth.
We have to watch Missy Modell and Team Boom Kack rehearse Missy’s stupid songs AGAIN at the studio. Is this extra footage from Episode Three? When I say these songs are stupid, I’m being kind. Her songs make the Old Navy employees who have to hear it on a loop every four hours want to kill themselves. If you think elevator music is awesome, you’ll LOVE … no, even you Muzak enthusiasts will still hate her music. Let’s list some lyrics to “Do It For You” so you can back me up, Gasmii: “I thought that since you were mine/that I had the right/to make you my Frankenstein/I tried to change you, woo-oh-oh/but that’s like trying to stop a hungry dog from chasing a bone/I tried to fix you, woo-oh-oh/but that’s like using Bubble Yum to patch a boo-boo.” America, Missy Modell is your new Poet Laureate.
So I’m as awesome as Lady Gaga, right?
Joe comes to visit Laurieann at the studio. We learn she has roped him into musical directorship of Missy Modell’s Musical Madness Showcase. This should be interesting. Not good, but interesting.
Richy brings Ex Paul the Younger into the Missy Modell rehearsal to torture Sarah join the back-up dancers, who are now three couples. And guess to which Gloommate backup dancer Richy assigns Paul? Way to piss off the white girl (insert Richy’s high-pitched cackle here)!!! Sarah gets distracted by Paul’s Neanderthal hotness and highbrow flirting techniques (brown-toothed smiles and ass grabs take YEARS to perfect) and subsequently messes up the steps throughout the rehearsal. Richy gets all Diddy Bitch on Sarah’s ass and takes her into the office post-rehearsal to chastise her lack of focus and her hyper-sexual tension. Sure, Richy, you have no responsibility here. I’m sure there were NO OTHER male dancers of Paul’s amazing caliber in the greater L.A. area who could dance with the Mouseketeer today. Sarah, you have my permission to push Richy into the nearest pool.
He’d totally die if you did it, Sarah. And then you’d be Laurieann’s #2!
Paula’s date sucks. I encourage you to read the full recap to find out the full degree of suckage.
Sound check for the showcase. Everyone’s on their best behavior, which is good since the A&R rep decided to come early and see the practice rounds. He is not impressed but I AM impressed with what a great move he made: show up while she’s practicing to see her true singing talent and performance abilities without the master track playing and the lights and makeup on. Bravo, A&R dude, bravo! Even better, Laurieann was running late so she didn’t get to pull her Jedi mind tricks on Chris Anokute to convince him Missy sounds better than she actually does. Luckily, Boyfriend Joe is there to double-team Chris and remind him that he said Gaga sucked and didn’t sign her when she was just starting out. Oooooo, burn.
I am just like Lady Gaga! Diddy Bitch says so!
Performance time! The dancers do the do, Missy “sings” well, and even A&R Chris relents and says Missy’s a “great talent”. I think Diddy Bitch put some E in his Kool-Aid. We close with Paul Jr. (thanks for the succinct nickname, Evonne!) at his sketchiest, convincing Sarah to go out on a post-performance date with him. So much for ending on a high note.
Even Dawson thinks this is a bad decision, Sarah.