Happy Monday, Gasmii! If you’re reading this, I guess you didn’t get sucked up to heaven, either. We’re in this together!
I have seen Richy EVERYWHERE this weekend! Friday night: I finally watched Gaga’s Monster Ball HBO special on my DVR … Richy has a cameo standing behind Gaga on the streets of NYC before the concert starts. I furiously searched for Diddy Bitch’s #2 in her stable of stage dancers, but alas, the only one I recognized was Hawaiian Mark from an early season of So You Think You Can Dance. Saturday night: Richy danced with Gaga during her SNL performance. So was Hawaiian Mark.
Do these suspenders make me look straight?
Sunday night: I think he MAY have been one of the creepy dancers that were in Rihanna’s/Bit-Bit’s Billboard Music Awards performance. But by then, I may have been hallucinating him. I hope I don’t see him later tonight, though, because that would mean I’m in the wrong bar.
I think I’m in the wrong place.
So we open by watching Team Boom Shakalaka rehearsing at the studio. Diddy Bitch pulls K-cup and Richy into her office to tell them both she’s bringing them to London to help Six-D prepare for their first performance. Seriously, Seacrest! Enough with the repeat performers!!! Get Laurieann a new act … perhaps a talented one? A quick search of L.A. coffee shops should turn up a few possibilities that would perform more cheaply than what it costs to fly the crew and 1/3 of Team Boom Kack to London!
In London, Laurieann has fun barking orders at the hotel staff and K-cup. Same shit, different continent.
I want that morning coffee just like me, Kryington. Black and hot!!!
Back in L.A., Sarah’s mom calls her and grills her about her relationship with her father. Sarah says she hasn’t talked to him ‘cause he’s a douche (I’m sensing a pattern in your relationships with men, Sarah …) and they hang up.
Back to London (this isn’t the minicap version of that scene – it was just that short)….
Six-D rehearsal … let the Kryington/Keyring Mutual Admiration Society meeting begin! She’s wearing a fugly winter hat with a pom-pom on it, but Keyring has one-upped her by getting a perm. They should get together and discuss their bad hair choices. Laurieann is going to be pished when she sees what you’ve done to her Superhero Makeover Hairdo. Actually, she gets to be pished for a different reason, because Six-D’s rehearsal performance SUCKS!!!! The British Bangers bump into each other, they mess up the words to the songs, etc. Diddy Bitch blames it on the fact that they took a day off from rehearsing earlier that week. I think the problem is a little bigger than that.
If only Six-D had one more day of rehearsal, we would be opening for them instead.
Back in L.A., after a Lacee-led (yay! ) rehearsal at the studio, Sarah mumbles glumly to Paul about her amorphous “dad problems”. I hate that she’s not more specific about his major malfunction. It’s like when one of your facebook friends posts: “I’m so fucking mad right now!” and does not elaborate. You know she just wants to soothe her insecurities by finding out how many of her fb friends will ask for the deets but you just wanted her to make the effort to tell everyone what exactly happened. So I don’t care about your sad story, Sarah, until you give me specific details. Is it drugs, alcohol, or something else that keeps your dad from being a positive male role model? And your piss-poor attitude is really killing Paul’s hard-on.
On their date, Keyring shows Kryington all the usual tourist sites in London, including Trafalgar Square and the London Eye (Did you know that was the name of that giant ferris wheel that stands ominous and unmoving in all those post-apocolyptic movies? I didn’t! The things I’ve learned watching this super amazing show!). Keyring tells K-cup that it takes an hour and a half for the London Eye to complete one revolution. Is this guy making a romantic suggestion? ‘Cause if it’s just a trivia factoid, that shit ain’t gonna get you laid, bud. They throw coins into the Thames and Keyring feigns throwing K-cup over the bridge railing into the river. However, he stops short and places her on the railing as her “Omigod!” protestations sound semi-orgasmic and he decides to keep her around for awhile. This could be a fun date after all …
The Thames is about to get a bit dirtier.
Sarah goes over to Paul’s house for dinner. Sucka! They discuss her shitty dad, and the fact that Paula (whose face has been absent this episode) warned Sarah before she came over that dating Paul was like dating her dad. Paul actually agrees with Paula but still makes Sarah dinner and then tries to convince her to be his part-time lover. She says she needs more convincing and he and his man parts willingly comply. Gross. Fade out, quick!!
So Laurieann tells us that Six-D is going to take over the world … as an opening act. I don’t think so, since one of the concert-goers posted this review of the JLS concert: “Opening act(s): SIX-D – dance group, entertaining but not as enjoyable as other opening acts I’ve seen.” Not exactly a stellar commendation. All the other reviews of them I found were mixed, so I’m guessing Laurieann may be a one-act wonder.
Anywho, since we all know Laurieann is oblivious to things that don’t matter in the music industry, like singing talent and ability to connect with the audience (I have unilaterally decided that her association with Gaga was a fluke), she promises to slit their British throats if the kids in Six-D don’t do an amazing job on stage. Pierre takes her fuckin’ seriously, and I do, too.
Kieran & Levon: Wot? Is she serious? Pierre: Why do you fink I’m wearin’ this big arse scarf?
At the final rehearsal pre-concert, the stage manager kicks Six-D off stage 20 minutes early, so the other acts can warm up. Laurieann decides her kids don’t need to take that shit. I’m getting excited as she stomps up the stage stairs … but like everything about this show, the should-have-been climax is anti-climatic. Diddy Bitch does get into a shouting and cursing match with the stage manager, but she loses and walks off stage, muttering the whole way. I am getting tired of seeing her about to – but never quite committing to – stomp someone’s ass. Is she all talk and no action? Or is she just afraid of getting sued? An arena representative catches up with her in the prep room and asks her to leave the building. Six-D watches in horror, wondering if she brought her knife with her. But nope … she walks outside in the snow while Six-D performs. The only people in the audience enjoying the Six-D show are K-cup and Richy. The rest of the audience just wants them to shut up so they can hear JLS moving around backstage.
Good thing she brought that hat.
In the final scene, which is an awkward add-on, and obviously out of chronological order in the London trip, Laurieann forces Richy and K-cup to have high tea with her in the hotel. They discuss step-parenting (Laurieann’s favorite family role) but the Diddy Bitch dares K-cup to deep-throat an éclair (she calls it a scone, but it’s much more phallic-looking to me). Kryington is strangely good at it, which I never would have guessed.
I much preferred a bonus scene to the “high tea scene” that I found on Hulu and I highly recommend you watch. I have recapped it for you below, if you are interested:
Diddy Bitch drags K-cup and Richy to an English pub to refuel and bond. This authentic, very Anglophile-friendly bar is named “The Cock and Hen”. I think this trip might be a bad idea … Inside, K-cup delights in the raucous songs, the shitty food, and the never-before witnessed scene of Richy and Laurieann being more uncomfortable than her for once. Being the only semi-black people in the room is weird for them.
After a heartfelt discussion of parents lost through divorce and death over what I’m sure is barely edible stew and bread, K-cup decides Laurieann and Richy aren’t all bad. Richy suggests that K-cup and Keyring go on a date to another pub, maybe “The Breasts and Thighs”. Good one, Richy! Perhaps I was wrong, and Seacrest and his editors have made you appear mentally slower than you actually are (this scene was edited out, after all). We all realize Richy’s talking about chickens, not actual women, right? Actual women give Richy hives. Notice his lack of allergic reaction to Laurieann.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, white girls die …
Richy says, as they’re leaving, “That was great at the Cock in Hand”. I believe that’s what you call a “Freudian Slip”, but Richy would probably repeat that as a “Foodian Flip”.
Guess how many cocks I can fit in these hands?
Now, didn’t that scene sound better than watching K-cup simulate fellatio on a pastry while she begs Laurieann to be her life coach? Seacrest, you cut the wrong scene! Toodles, Gasmii! See you in a few for the full recap!