This is the end.
It’s the night everyone has been waiting for on Dancing with the Stars. If you’re a fan it’s time to finally crown a celebrity dancing champion, and if you’re not it means you can escape Brooke Burke trying to think of 11 different ways to ask the question “how did it feel out there?” Either way, now you can enjoy Tom Bergeron in his natural habitat—watching fathers get kicked in the nuts on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Introductions aside, I will give a brand new set of Silly Bands to anyone who can adequately explain to me how a show that should only involve speaking one complete Enlgish sentence could take two hours. Results shows are always the worst part of competition TV and the Dancing with Stars final results show is by far the worst part of that. The powers that be at Dancing continued the new tradition of scoring everyone in one more dance during the finale. I suppose to silence all those ballroom dancing conspiracy theorists who thought that the show was rigged when the scoring was all done the night before (Mario Lopez was robbed everyone!).
Each couple chose their favorite dance from the season. And each couple got all 10’s. Are you really trying to tell me that at this point the fast walking Kirstie Alley around the dance the floor is as good as Chelsea, who is basically a professional dancer at this point? Uggh. This is why Chinese children outperform us on standardized tests. When all the dust settled Chelsea and Hines tied for first place in the judges scoring with 89/90 and Kirstie a distant third with 84, which, coincidentally, is the amount of weight she lost as well. To fill out the show they had dances from all the eliminated contestants, except Wendy Williams—a loss to be sure. They also had performances from the Black Eyed Peas and Sarah Evans. If ever there were two groups with a crossover audience!
Anyhoo, after managing to take 117 minutes off my life they finally announced that it was indeed Hines who came out on top. I have a feeling there are about 2 dozen very frightened donuts in the Alley household tonight.