Minicap: The Voice

The Voice

By TheCzar | Wednesday, May 18, 2011 | 10:43 am | 11 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: MiniCaps, Recaps, The Voice

If the fate of the world depended on one decision that rested on your shoulders, would you make that decision? In this case, you have to choose between a couple who doesn’t have the means to get out of their parents’ basement or a man with six mouths to feed who’s desperately trying to turn his life around. Who would you help?

That’s the moral dilemma facing our four judges. Luckily, they’re not making their decisions based on morals. These decisions are made on talent, which doesn’t make Battle Round Two any less difficult to stomach.

So we start with Cee-Lo, who pits Tje (Tye) against Nakia (Na-key-uh). No, not poor, sweet, adopted Mormon Tje. While he sings wonderfully, I don’t even have to tell you who’s going to win this round. I would have really, really liked to have seen Tje advance – and so would Christina Aguilera, but for reasons other than his voice (did you happen to catch he was Mormon in the blind auditions, you little slut?), but he’s up against a powerhouse – and everyone knows it. Why couldn’t he have competed against the Bobbsey twins? So, so sad.

Blake is next – and he pits the duo Elenowen (aka Josh and Nicole), the married couple who live in their parents’ basement vs. Jared Blake, the guy with six kids. Remember Jared? He was the one who didn’t originally make it into the competition but was given a second chance? Well, he’s forced to sing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” with the folksy pop duo, although it seems unfair to have two against one. But surprisingly, Jared kills it – and Elenowen is forced to return to their deep, dark dungeon and face the realities of a young, married life that doesn’t seem to have any income or future. I’d love to see a follow-up story on these two in five years…

Adam pits Javier against Angela. Hmmmm… let’s see: Javier originally had all four judges fighting over him, whereas Angela’s biggest claim to fame so far is stalking Blake Shelton. Seeing as Javier is the frontrunner in this whole competition, do I really need to go any further? Even Angela knows she’s going to lose – but hey, it takes a lot to show up and stand behind Javier while he sings, so I commend her.

Javier wins 5.17.11Spoiler alert if you live on Mars: Javier wins.
Hope I didn’t ruin it for you.

Last but not least, Christina makes Beverly and Justin sing The Who’s “Baba O’Riley,” which Justin has never heard before because he’s under the age of 40. Bev wins by default.

But it’s not all bad. There’s a lot of love and compliments from the judges. One person has to win and one has to lose. It’s survival of the fittest. Just be glad you’re not up there making these decisions.

Wait… the judges are getting paid WHAT? Never mind. Screw the contestants. You want to be up there. You want to be up there so bad right now.

Next week promises to be even more heartbreaking. And we’re reminded that judges who once begged contestants to be on their teams may end up completely stabbing them in the back. But this is show business, people – so unless your name is Javier Colon, get used to it.

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11 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Are they really going to drag out these battle rounds another three weeks. What a fucking snoozefest. They really should have condensed this part into just a couple of nights. Back to back. I just can’t see how this format can excite interest in the performers. By the time they get to the live shows, who’s going to remember any of these people?

    I was, however, surprised they cut the good-looking black mormon guy in favor of the overweight growling bear guy.

  2. 2
    Jess30
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Although these battle rounds are taking four weeks for the viewers, its obvious that theu all took place on the same day for recording. All the jidhrs were wearing the same clothes as last week…

  3. 3
    Jess30
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    *judges

  4. 4
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Jess, I noticed that, too! That makes it even sillier for them to drag it out when it clear the coaches’ “coaching” only took an afternoon, and we have to endue four weeks of it! Or maybe this is a slap in the face to the coaches who are probably paid per day of work. Pay them for one day and use the footage for four weeks. Genius!

  5. 5
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    I agree, itchy, and I don’t understand why they switched to the hour format after the blind auditions instead of continuing them until the live performances started to get there faster.

    But I was disappointed that Cee-Lo picked the annoying, mugging, affected Nakia. He’s one of those performers, Bev being another, whose voices create a Pavlovian response of seal-clapping, but who both actually kind of suck. Nakia isn’t as bad as Bev, but I thought from both a marketing and a performing standpoint that Tje had more versatility than Nakia. I can’t imagine the trainwreck when Nakia has to actually sing a ballad, although I can imagine the Eyes to Jesus/constipation faces.

    But I was glad that Elenowen got canned because they’re young, seem educated and just tick off the inner geezer in me who just wants to shake a cane at them and yell “Get a job, you punks.”

  6. 6
    Jess30
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    I think they could have accomplished all of the battle rounds in another two hour episode. I would love to see Javier take it all! Ellenowen’s continuous talk about going back to the basement was irritating!

  7. 7
    Lizbot
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    I really wonder if the show is going to squander the good will it earned in its first couple of weeks by dragging this section out over 4 weeks. The first week of the battle rounds was a novelty. Now it’s just kind of painful.

    I don’t know what Adam Levine was thinking putting Angela up against Javier. I thought she was a better singer and prettier and has a better personality (and looks younger) than the chick on his team who claims that people don’t respect her talent because she’s so beautiful. I thought both Angela and Javier did really well (and sounded great together) but Adam basically shot himself in the foot by setting up Angela to fail. And Blake seems like he’s got the weakest team in the competition. I was surprised I actually liked the married couple better than the struggling dad (the couple’s audition didn’t impress me and their personalities kind of annoyed me). Either way, though, Blake’s team seems pretty weak to me right now.

  8. 8
    itchy
    Posted May 19, 2011 at 2:34 am

    Damn captcha code, I just lost one of the funniest comments I’ve ever made. Lucky for the rest of you, unless you’re wearing Depends, that is.

  9. 9
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted May 19, 2011 at 3:03 am

    This is not the funniest comment Itchy ever made. This is just a tribute.

  10. 10
    Enrique's Mole
    Posted May 20, 2011 at 6:35 am

    vallegirl – I 100% agree. Tje showed far more refinement and just sang the shit out of that song. Nakia just hollered, and the same with Beverly. Those crazy high “runs” she does are already getting old and this only the second time I’ve ever heard her sing.

    So glad Adam’s not stupid, and sacrificed Angela to Javier. Poor Ang. She butchered some of those notes.

  11. 11
    itchy
    Posted May 20, 2011 at 7:18 am

    If there’s one thing I hate more than smarmy country music, it’s those endless ‘runs’ singers feel obliged to yodel whenever they’re singing. What happened to just holding onto one goddamned note?

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