If the fate of the world depended on one decision that rested on your shoulders, would you make that decision? In this case, you have to choose between a couple who doesn’t have the means to get out of their parents’ basement or a man with six mouths to feed who’s desperately trying to turn his life around. Who would you help?
That’s the moral dilemma facing our four judges. Luckily, they’re not making their decisions based on morals. These decisions are made on talent, which doesn’t make Battle Round Two any less difficult to stomach.
So we start with Cee-Lo, who pits Tje (Tye) against Nakia (Na-key-uh). No, not poor, sweet, adopted Mormon Tje. While he sings wonderfully, I don’t even have to tell you who’s going to win this round. I would have really, really liked to have seen Tje advance – and so would Christina Aguilera, but for reasons other than his voice (did you happen to catch he was Mormon in the blind auditions, you little slut?), but he’s up against a powerhouse – and everyone knows it. Why couldn’t he have competed against the Bobbsey twins? So, so sad.
Blake is next – and he pits the duo Elenowen (aka Josh and Nicole), the married couple who live in their parents’ basement vs. Jared Blake, the guy with six kids. Remember Jared? He was the one who didn’t originally make it into the competition but was given a second chance? Well, he’s forced to sing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” with the folksy pop duo, although it seems unfair to have two against one. But surprisingly, Jared kills it – and Elenowen is forced to return to their deep, dark dungeon and face the realities of a young, married life that doesn’t seem to have any income or future. I’d love to see a follow-up story on these two in five years…
Adam pits Javier against Angela. Hmmmm… let’s see: Javier originally had all four judges fighting over him, whereas Angela’s biggest claim to fame so far is stalking Blake Shelton. Seeing as Javier is the frontrunner in this whole competition, do I really need to go any further? Even Angela knows she’s going to lose – but hey, it takes a lot to show up and stand behind Javier while he sings, so I commend her.
Spoiler alert if you live on Mars: Javier wins.
Hope I didn’t ruin it for you.
Last but not least, Christina makes Beverly and Justin sing The Who’s “Baba O’Riley,” which Justin has never heard before because he’s under the age of 40. Bev wins by default.
But it’s not all bad. There’s a lot of love and compliments from the judges. One person has to win and one has to lose. It’s survival of the fittest. Just be glad you’re not up there making these decisions.
Wait… the judges are getting paid WHAT? Never mind. Screw the contestants. You want to be up there. You want to be up there so bad right now.
Next week promises to be even more heartbreaking. And we’re reminded that judges who once begged contestants to be on their teams may end up completely stabbing them in the back. But this is show business, people – so unless your name is Javier Colon, get used to it.