Well, we’re only in week five and “The Voice” has gone from exciting to boring to practically unbearable. It’s so sad to read your comments and notice how many viewers have completely turned on this show – and we still have one more battle round to go!
So to make this episode more bearable, I’ve analyzed the show and developed a drinking game for all to play along. Any time you hear even a slight variation of one of these comments, drink:
- I just love you!
- This is such a tough decision!
- I’ve been waiting my whole life for this!
- (Name of contestant), you did such a great job/I love you/something along that line, but I choose (name of other contestant).
Got any more? Feel free to add them to the comment section and we’ll all play along. Let’s get started:
Ready? Set? DRINK!
Christina pairs Julia and Raquel to sing Rihanna’s “Only Girl in the World,” and it’s a toss-up because they both have all the young, fresh energy of a Dove commercial. Christina is really excited, stating, “I just love you guys” (DRINK), well before they even get started. The rehearsal goes well and both singers get good feedback from the coaches. Julia really, really wants it because she’s been waiting her whole life for this! (DRINK) But during the battle round, Julia is no match for triple threat Raquel. During the moment of truth, Christina pays homage to them both:
Christina: I just love you guys! (DRINK) This is such a tough decision! (DRINK) Julia, I love you, but I’m gonna go with Raquel. (DRINK)
Next, Blake pairs Dia with Serabee. This is Blake Shelton, so put your beer mugs down – there’s not gonna be a lot of love in this portion. They’re going to sing “You Can’t Hurry Love” by the Supremes. And, um, the whole thing is horrible, from start to finish. Dia is a sweet, meek folk singer who may not be able to match Serabee’s powerhouse energy. Serabee is a Gospel singer, but will she be able to hold back and not overdo it per Blake’s request? Probably not. According to Serabee, “I’ve been waiting my whole life for this” (DRINK), so she’s about to pull out all the punches.
The duet is just uncomfortable to watch. Both singers look like they don’t want to be there. And each has very different vocal qualities that are never harmonized – not to mention Dia needs to work on her dancing skills. The judges look horrified, Reba looks embarrassed and Blake looks PISSSSED. Blake feels this is a tough decision, but for all the wrong reasons. (DRINK?) Unfortunately, there’s no, “I love you both, but…” (I know I’m stretching, but I’m just giving you reason to DRINK), so Blake begrudgingly chooses Dia – assumedly because she was the less annoying contestant.
Adam must really love drinking games, cuz right off the bat he states, “I think you’re all incredible singers (DRINK), but for this battle I’ve chosen Rebecca and Devon.” They’re singing “Creep” by Radiohead. Rebecca is so excited to be working with Devon because she loves loves loves him! (DRINK) We don’t get to see much of the rehearsal, probably because Rebecca is too busy talking about just how much she LOVES this song! (DRINK) She loves it! (DRINK) She just loves it so much! (DRINK)
Even though Devon isn’t familiar with the song, he catches up and they perform a nice duet. The problem is they do such a good job that Blake, Cee Lo and Adam all feel this is too tough of a decision to make! (DRINK/ DRINK/ DRINK) But even though Rebecca did a great job, Adam chooses Devon in the end. (DRINK)
Cee Lo pits the sister act, Tori and Taylor, against Kelsey. Tori and Taylor are soooo excited because they just love Kelsey! (DRINK) They spend about five minutes babbling on about how much they love Kelsey (DRINK ACCORDINGLY), so you should be nice and toasty by now. Kelsey says, rather tentatively, “Um, I just love them, but I’m bringing out the boxing gloves.” (DRINK – but just a little bit.)
Cee Lo ain’t messing around with this one. After we listen to the sisters’ voices crack during rehearsal, he provides them with some choreography to make Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” a little more bearable.
The sisters pray before the performance. This is so important for them, they say, because the rest of their lives depend on this moment – which I interpret to mean: We’ve been waiting our whole lives for this! (DRINK) So they sing their little song and do their little dance, which apparently wowed the judges. The judges and I have very different taste. Here’s what went down:
Adam: You’re just too cute; I can’t pick! (DRINK)
Christina: Kelsey, you did a better job, but this round I pick Tori and Taylor. (DRINK)
Cee Lo: Well, the sisters are very charming, but tonight (dramatic pause), I choose the Thompson Sisters. (DRINK – In disbelief!!!)
Blake: I think you all suck. I quit!
Blake’s my hero. I want to go drinking with him. Sorry for such a long minicap, but I need to keep myself entertained at this point. If you’ve actually been playing along, please be responsible. Don’t drink and drive your foot into your television screen during this show.